Can a Taken In Hand relationship be created organically?
My wife and I do not yet have a Taken in Hand relationship, but I am interested in moving our marriage more towards what is described and understood by this website and community.
However, I do not think that simply discussing such a shift in the dynamics of our relationship would be the right way to achieve this. We are both strong and independent people, and my wife is likely to be suspicious or unsure of a more Taken In Hand relationship if I simply begin to tell her that we will be making these changes.
I have come to understand that she is happiest when I am in control, and most comfortable when I show I can be a leader, be protective of her, and be somewhat superior to her - both physically and otherwise. It does not seem to occur to her that she may prefer me to control her more, and she may reject or deny it if I were to simply "lay it all out" and explain what I want.
Is it possible to create a Taken In Hand relationship gradually over time, by beginning to demonstrate how she will be happier this way? Many writers on this site seem to advocate having a frank discussion and "decision." Might it be possible to instead create our new relationship more organically?
I should mention that we have been together for many years, so we would be altering a longstanding relationship, not simply creating a new one. I believe that we will both be much happier, but I see difficulty ahead in helping her make this conscious realization.
Any and all advice on how to proceed will be greatly appreciated.
#1 organic or pre-packaged
as a strong woman myself, I'm not certain that I would ever have agreed to a "Taken in Hand" relationship if I was 'told' this would be better for me. Telling your wife this type of relationship would be better, imho, is much like explaining to children they should eat broccoli and it will taste good simply because it's good for them. It's not the easiest or most efficent way to accomplish the task, nor does it make the children like broccoli.
Although your wife is not a child by any means, I believe one of the best approaches is the way a mother DOES introduce broccoli to a vegetable-resistant child: in ways in which the child doesn't even realize that s/he is eating broccoli, in small doses, in a variety of ways that are fun and tasty, and without raising the child's suspicions or fears.
You are the one in charge of this relationship, as you already realize that she is happier when you do take control. In fact, you already realize the problems and the potential "mutiny" you face if you try to explain how this will be "good for her."
I'm always told by my partner that as an attorney I have a terrible habit of answering a question with a question. but, I'll do what I do best, and ask you a question, anyway:
if you know that she may reject or deny the situation if you explain it, and if you know the potential for her to reject or deny the possibility of a "Taken in Hand" relationship if you try to introduce the concept gradually, why take that risk? Why induce the fight?
Is there a reason why you are uncomfortable with doing what has worked for others, that is, merely have a discussion, and then a "decision?"
just my .02 worth. Your mileage may vary.
cutesy pah
#2 Evolution verses creation
Most relationships evolve from the interactions of the two partners over a long period of time. I think in most cases, the two partners never think much about the type of relationship they are creating. They simply push and pull until they are both happy, or at least content... or they push and pull a little too much and end up breaking up.
In contrast, it is possible to create a relationship from the ground up by creating well-defined roles.
The difference between the two styles has a lot to do with the partners' history with one another. If both partners know exactly what they want before they find a relationship, they can negotiate what they want from the start. If one or both partners doesn't find what they need, they can split. On the other hand, if the couple has a lot of history of evolved relationship, such as with an already married couple, then continued evolution is likely to be the best bet. It is also entirely possible to do a little bit of both.
Since your relationship is already established with the seal of marriage and is already leaning toward what you want, I suggest you give it some gentle nudges in the direction you want and see what happens. That way you can ease your wife in to it and see if she takes the bait. If she doesn't, you can cool it for awhile and try again later. At many points in there, you need to be communicating. "Do you like this?" and "How do you feel about that?" need to be things you say a lot. Don't discourage discussion or hide your intentions. That is a silly game for teenagers. You need to encourage honest and open conversation, even if your wife is too timid to come right out and say she wants an authoritative man. Just don't put her on the spot with demanding questions. Ask her how she feels, take the answer you get and work with it. Don't probe too deep too quick, or she'll get flustered and maybe a little angry. You need to be patient with the pace of changes, too. Old habits die hard. As in any relationship, praise your wife ten times as much as you correct her.
Good luck!
#3 To talk or not to talk, that is the question
I personally found it necessary to discuss things with my husband, and I don't think we could have achieved improvments in our relationship otherwise. But if you think you can do it without talking, then good luck to you.
However, it was very important to me personally that my husband also should find appeal in this relationship, I would not much have cared for the idea that he was only doing it because he thought it would make me happy. I like the idea that it has been good for both of us, not just me.
But I too would have been supsicious if my husband had jsut announced that he wanted to adopt this dynamic, without consulting my feelings on the subject. if that is your idea of how to introduce a discussion on the subject, then you might be wise to keep it to yourself. Personally, I feel that a less arbitrary approach would be better if you do decide to talk about it.
Louise
#4 Will she like it?
Even if you already know for sure that your wife thrives on this dynamic, she herself may not "know" it in so many words. And she may be very resistant to admitting it in plain English. After all, much of the language in which these things are described is not (dreaded words) politically correct.
I'm inclined to agree with Cutesy-Pah: why provoke an argument if there is no need? On the other hand, all good relationships involve effective communication. So, positive reinforcement might be the best way to start: act like a man who is taking a woman in hand, and make sure she likes it. Then, later, discussion of the topic won't raise her hackles.
Many, many couples did not start off the Taken-in-Hand way.
Often it just evolves from life going on, for decades sometimes. So there's hope! Good luck with it!
#5 Creating a Taken In Hand relationship
Creating a Taken In Hand relationship without discussing it is very possible if you are an excellent judge of your wife's desires and personality and you know this will appeal to her deepest soul. It is important that you be sensitive enough to know quickly if you are making a mistake. As others have commented many women do not know that this is what they want but when shown this taste of paradise that is Taken In Hand for me at least, they delight in the control their husband 'imposes'. It is not truly an imposition since they desire it so.
Do you know your wife well enough, to her core?
Are you sensitive enough to be able to tell if you are mistaken about your wife?
#6 My brother just ask me pretty
My brother just ask me pretty much the same question a few weeks ago. Him and his girlfriend have been together for 7 years. I told him it's best to talk about it instead of just jumping into it.
#7 It seems to me:
The best way to begin is to behave 'as if,' and go from there. Some of the best advice I've seen here on this forum comes from people who have given up trying the 'direct route,' and instead are going at their marriage/relationship indirectly. So instead of saying, I'm taking control of your daily activities, they just start to control the wife's daily activities. If she asks what's going on, my thought is that the most flattering thing to hear would be "I'm watching out for you," or "I'm concerned about what happens to you." I know if you are married to someone who needs or thinks they need a lot of personal freedom, this can seem like a hard sell, but it's more likely that the woman wants you to pay more attention than she thinks you do now, but has no way to articulate it. People who want that much freedom and are serious about it, aren't in relationships, which means they are giving you tacit permission to take more control, they just don't consciously realise it.
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