Just starting out
My husband and I are just starting out with Taken in Hand. So far, we have both felt wonderful and renewed as a couple.
In the 9 years we've been married, we've had a good marriage. Taken in hand is not a huge change for us, as we've always been somewhat traditional in our thinking. The problem, however, was that I've always wanted to be a more submissive, traditional wife, but have never been able to fully accomplish this.
I have brought a great deal of stress on myself by refusing to let go of any control, even the smallest of things. On the one hand, feeling in control was my comfort. On the other hand, it was my greatest source of anxiety.
When stressed, I have always found myself saying disrespectful, and sometimes downright rude, things to my husband. Never, ever does he speak to me in the manner that I have often spoken to him. For the most part, he has always allowed me to 'carry on'. He understands me, which means he understands the reasons behind my actions and that I've never developed a means to change. Until now. (That, and if he ever tried to intervene, I exploded)
This has always left me feeling terrible about myself, as he is always so considerate of me, even when he is in a bad mood.
I stumbled across this website. I was in awe of how many pieces of the puzzle were falling in place for me. I discussed it with him and he agreed to give it a shot.
He was especially on board with the the 'sexual availability' idea. Strange as it may seem to some, I am thrilled by this. Many times, I've found myself saying 'no' for no good reason at all and felt bad that I was being unfair to him. I read an article on here where a woman mentioned mentally going through a list of things beforehand. This absolutely knocked me over. I do the exact same thing. I over analyze, going over forty different things in my head. So much so, that even if I "let" him, my mind would be so cluttered by everything that it lessened my enjoyment, and therefore, his. I have never in my life experienced such freedom! I no longer have to sit and think and analyze, it has simplified it all and it feels wonderful. I spend my whole day thinking and analyzing and taking care of stuff, why in the world should that be allowed to interfere with our intimacy?! The thought of him 'taking' it when I feel bad or truly don't want to, etc, hasn't even crossed my mind. He has always been 10 times more considerate of my needs than I've been of his. He has no desire to upset me or lessen my desire, but to increase it for both of us.
Mainly, for us, Taken In Hand is about empowering him as a husband, and helping me to relax as a wife. Win, win.
I am very excited about where this may take us as a couple. We've always been close and had a good marriage, but this feels like it's filling in what gaps did exist and smoothing it all out. The icing on the cake, so to speak.
#1 Good luck to you! I think it
Good luck to you! I think it will be a great relief to you to be in this relationship...
#2 Congratulations
Win win. here I began to smile and the smile broadened at "The icing on the cake" Thank you for sharing, Newsdaisy.
Wish you both luck
E.
#3 Just Starting Out
Newdaisy! Well done! I found this website because of my fiance. I had actually never heard of a taken in hand relationship until my fiance had told me about it. My fiance is an absolutely dream come true! He is definitely the head of the household and I love it and he treats me with so much respect and love. I have always wanted to have a taken in hand relationship and now I have one. I have never felt so free in my life. I was always the one to take charge and it was because I had to and the stress I endured was too much. Now I have no stress outside of my job :))
Enjoy your new relationship with your husband!
Rapier
#4 Some encouragement and caution
I'm glad you've found something that makes sense to you. I know the good feeling that you get when you discover a new idea and, *click*, the light goes on in your head as you realize all the ways it might improve your life.
One caution: Beware of the thought process that leads you to believe that your emotional outbursts can be cured by putting your husband in charge. Old habits die hard, and bad habits die harder. If you have a tendency to be mean to your husband when you're upset, what makes you think you'll act differently if he's in charge? That's one of those problems you need to work on for yourself, because you want to be a better person. He can help you by letting you know when you're being incorrigible and refusing to give in to your outbursts, but the effort to make the change has to be all yours. I believe you can't correct a bad habit through punishment.
What I think you should do is read, read, and read some more. Analyze how the things people say on this site might fit in to your relationship, or whether they fit at all. Every relationship is unique.
#5 Changing habits
If being "mean" to one's husband is due to a lack of respect for him, that might change very quickly as he assumes control. I found a new respect for my husband that did in fact change my attitude toward him a great deal when we started our Taken in Hand marriage.
#6 You're both right...
I agree that it would not be wise to believe that I can just drop those habits of lashing out at him, simply because he is in charge. Change comes from within, and it is up to me to work on my own actions.
I also agree with the comment regarding respecting him more now that he is in charge.
I never developed a better means of handling my frustration in life because I didn't have to. The quickest, easiest thing was to lash out. Yet, it never made me feel good about myself to act in such a way.
I've always thought that I respected him as a man. Deep down, however, I believe there was something in me that respected him less for just taking it. I didn't know it then, but I believe more than once I pushed his buttons to see if he would stand up to me. Almost as if I were crying for help without realizing it.
Now that we have made this change, I've found a respect for him I've never quite known before. There is something very powerful in knowing that he will hold me accountable for my actions and behaviors in a firm but loving way. In no way is it some trembling fear of him. I can't even imagine feeling like that.
I know that I must examine myself and my feelings in order to find a more productive way to handle anxiety and frustration. However, I believe that Taken in Hand will be a good way to help add accountability to that process. This makes me feel like we have found a way to work together in a way that nothing else could, in order to effect changes that will benefit us both.