Sharing the secret of our success

When you receive comments like: “What happened? You two look so much in love now!” you may feel like sharing the secret of your success. This is a common feeling. We can sense some of our friends are not really happy in their own marriages. Some are still struggling to find some way to gain the intimacy and connection they see us model, while others of course are already on the verge of divorce. We want to tell them because what we do is so delightful and powerful, but experience has taught me that if you try to explain the inner workings of your relationship dynamics, you are likely to be met with confusion, at best, and most likely condemnation. So how can we help our friends while still being true to ourselves and still answering their questions honestly?

Let's look at where criticism might first come from. Forget, for the moment at least, the glaring illogic of being asked, by those in unhappy marriages, to explain our measured success, and then being told that we are ‘doing our marriage wrong.’

Most condemnation will come, we have found, when we talk about the husband ‘having the final say’ or being the head of the household. If we happen to mention using spanking as discipline, we hear shouts of “Abuse!” and perhaps comments to the effect that we really need to seek professional help.

We have accomplished nothing except estranging our friends. We each go our ways. We live our way in an enriched marriage; our friends are left confused and possibly even very concerned over the wife's emotional and physical health. It is not exactly the result we want. We have to find a different way to talk about this.

One thing I try to do when explaining the nature of my relationship to conventional friends is to change the language I use. I don't use language such as ‘final say’ or even ‘head of the household’ because those phrases tend to give the misleading and alarming impression that we are talking about a domineering man bullying a miserable down-trodden woman. What language would I use instead?

Instead of using the expression ‘final say’, which has the effect of diminishing in the minds of some the active participation of the wife in what is in reality a mutually enhancing relationship design, I would simply explain that the husband has agreed to remain emotionally involved instead of withdrawing and will do his part to stay solidly present to resolve contention into resolution.

I have explained, with some success, that I would describe our relationship as a self-designed structure called “intimate discipline.” Many are taken aback at first, but I then explain some of the intricacies that appear more conventional than not. I explain that we have agreed upon expectations for each other, agreed upon ‘rituals’ in some cases, agreed upon methods of dealing with inevitable contention. This, I explain, is “discipline” because it is powerful language and it keeps us in check.

I give some examples. For me, in my first marriage, I had a tendency to withdraw or retreat in the face of contention or an argument. Most men and women can relate to this behavior response of the husband in a marriage contention. The trouble, I explain, is that this response leaves the wife feeling frustrated and unheard, and the husband feeling powerless, angry and hurt. Nothing is accomplished, there is no resolution, and over time the marriage intimacy diminishes.

I explain that we have agreed that it is my direct responsibility to exercise control over the direction of these various contentions. She has agreed to accept my control over directing the course of discussion.

My taking this control works, I explain, because of my more generally reserved nature and because this style connects very well with minimizing the effects of her sometimes more volatile nature. This discipline keeps us both on track to actually solve problems, allowing us both to be actually ‘heard’ in a real sense and my responsibility (and her acceptance of it) prohibits me from falling into the old pattern of sullen withdrawal.

I sometimes call my consent to control these interactions “Head of the Relationship” to give it a label and to mark a distinction between this and the negative connotations often assigned to ‘head of the household’. I want to measure what I say and how I say it against the old stereotype of ‘father knows best’ which is simply unacceptable to most and, in fact, is not what we do or how we live. By saying ‘Head of Relationship’ I am simply saying I am ‘head’ of our relationship interactions through our agreement because that is what works best.

But, I explain, it is also much more than a technique for solving problems. Intimate Discipline is a way of living that enriches us as a couple. We have different ‘constructs’ which have the effect of connecting us and which in the end will enhance our intimacy and make everything else we do more meaningful and, to be sure, easier in moments of crisis.

We pay attention to each other. We eat dinner together and use this time to talk and spend time together. We acknowledge each other when the other enters a room, even if we are busy with something. For instance, if I am on the phone, even a business call, I will stop for a moment and acknowledge her if she comes in the room. We do things for each other, just little things, but we want each other to know our relationship is the most important thing we both own. We intentionally demonstrate this in both our words and our actions. This is ‘discipline’ because it would be so easy over time for us to take both each other and our relationship for granted.

But what about taking her in hand physically? Since this is likely one of the most important parts of our relationship and what distinguishes some of us from regular folk it seems this part really needs to be explained in some way. Sometimes things do get out of hand and the relationship really does need to be brought back on track. This very rightly may be asked of us. I personally like ‘taking her in hand’ as a general description for even a conventional population. I like this because ‘taking her in hand’ can mean many different things depending on a couple's perception. In Intimate Discipline, our tactic is for me as the man to be responsible for our interactions, to direct contention to resolution and to generally keep a discipline of connection alive and healthy. How would I explain how I do this?

I don't have to explain this at all. Even among us, we do these things differently though, agreeably, we have some things in common. Intimate Discipline requires only that a couple agrees on relationship management and following this a couple must also agree on some way the Head of Relationship or the head of this process may intervene to get interactions back on track when it goes awry.

Spanking works for us because we have taken what is otherwise erotic, given it a twist and allowed spanking to become an intervention tactic. What is erotic for your friend? Does she find it sexual or erotic for her husband to sit her down and be vocally firm? This is ‘taking her in hand’ if she has a generally positive response to this. Does she find it sufficient for him to simply say “Enough!” and would this set the discussion back on track?

The important thing is for each couple to find their own way through their own sexual expressions and sexual behaviors to gain or regain their stable interactions. This will normally require the development of some way they can agree for one of them to accept control and responsibility for turning contention into resolution. The easiest and best way is to use some tactic that has a sexually connective quality such as we do with discipline spanking.

If spanking is not erotic for the couple you are talking to, there is no need to go into this aspect of what we do. In fact, discussing our technique of spanking is useless and indeed harmful. I think the important thing to say is that we have together designed a relationship structure which suits us both, that we both have full input, and that we are in full agreement both on the inner workings and the tactics for recovery during the inevitable times when it goes awry.

It is important to stress the fact of mutual agreement, and any agreement is okay as long as there is follow-through and as long as it works to enrich the marriage. What we do can be used (with appropriate modifications) by most couples to enhance their marriage. Our explanations can be helpful when combined with how we model our own experiences and our own lives. Do be careful about the language you use, and if some language doesn't work or has negative consequences, try something else until you find some language that does work.

We don't need to talk about discipline spanking, it is a selective practice available only to some. We can talk about intention; we can say that we have designed our own relationship in a way that works for us as a couple; we can say that it is our own choice in how we as a couple in marriage have chosen how to explore the intricacies of the intimacy and love we share. We can explain or answer questions in a way that is not merely acceptable to those ‘not like us’ but that appeals to them so much that they might even want to use aspects of our relationship as a model for themselves.

Frank Nelson