Introducing the intimate control dynamic

If I were in a position where I needed to explain to a woman what I needed in a relationship, the first thing I would have to know was if she was ‘wired’ for erotic spanking. If the answer to that was “No,” I would give�up.

Second, I would introduce her to the intimate control dynamic by holding her firmly, actually taking charge of the erotic spanking. I think getting used to this erotic control is important.

Third, I would ask her permission to spank her at some time when there was a breakdown in our communication, when she was a little beside herself. I would promise I would not spank her hard, just hard enough to give her the sense of the consent she would naturally give me.

A woman explaining this to a man not used to it could ask him to do this at his will, not hers, and thus he would naturally gain the sense of the intimate control he would naturally have.

A woman could also begin with artificial rules the couple had no intention of keeping as a ‘training course,’ kind of like learning to drive in a broken down Chevy instead of a Porsche.

Also good training is erotic role playing. Fun, control centered and much like a driving simulator.

In the most part of this article, I explain what in my experience is the dynamic exchange leading to the generally erotic man coming to grips with his �masculinity, his expression of control in his relationship as the woman needs it. I explain this in terms of language�used after discipline is first introduced and the couple is getting to a place where discipline or punishment are actually incorporated. I begin with the difficulty the man may originally face, what happens and why, and what the couple ultimately gains out of this sometimes frustrating exchange. I explain from my perspective what the man will ultimately gain as well as the woman.

Mostly, I think, the difficult part is having the man understand that the dynamic of discipline is about both of the couple and during the course of discipline and aftermath, both need to work hard at internalizing any change they want in their relationship.

If the discipline is going to be used for a different purpose (such as original relationship building), the intent must be clear and mutual and the discipline still must affect both of them more or less equally.�As honestly as you can tell him you need him to take the kind of control you want, that you need to cry through spanking, you need to not have choice when he stops, that you need him, basically, “to blister your bottom.” If you pick up any fetish language he likes, this might help. But try to use only language that has an erotic charge for you as well as him. Language is powerful stuff and the use of language is intended for connection. For example, some people really like the sound of the word “spanking,” others really like the sound of “paddling,” others “tanning” or any number of other variations that mean about the same thing but have a positive effect�in their morphemes and phonemes.

One thing that happens quite often when a woman is trying to convince the man, husband who enjoys erotic spanking or a new man who likes eroticism but not used to discipline control, is some failure on the part of the couple to true communication. We communicate on several different levels all at once and often times do not ‘hear’ each other completely. A man, and I have heard this often times and women get easily frustrated, will talk about what they are going to do and never follow through. All talk and no action. Why do men do this?

Language of this sort is a behavior and this behavior, like all others, has a purpose. The man invariably is communicating on an emotional level or trying to find the woman's limits or trying to make internal the consent the woman has given him. Even though this will frustrate the woman more often than not, this step is necessary for the man to accept the kind of consent and take the kind of control the woman is trying to give him.

This necessary control will vary so much with individuals, that it is really important this step or something similar be simply accepted as a natural part of relationship building. In the case of long standing marriages incorporating discipline, this step is often necessary and quite healthy and good in order for the man as HOH/HOR to accept on an emotional level the control necessary to correct the couple interactions.

I think that the dynamic between a healthy couple is quite natural once it is introduced by either, and the man once he genuinely experiences the power of intimate control really isn't going to be willing to turn back. He's not going to have trouble with it as long as he understands the need is intimacy, not correcting faulty behavior.

The behavior often�evident in the woman is to use language in order to rationalize her true needs. She will often point to “deserving it” or point to areas where she has caused a breakdown in communication.�The man will blame himself for the breakdown also. �Often, however, the man can take this in and understand�consciously the need is for his control, but it can still be a little confusing on an emotional level. He will not understand that it is her fault because he too will blame himself for the breakdown in communication. Why would he want to punish her for something he believes he is equally responsible? He will often use language to reconcile the difference between what the woman is telling him and what he feels emotionally.

One of the difficulties is that women will want something like non-erotic punishment. The man has trouble here because everything he has ever done has been erotic.�The reality is that non erotic punishment is highly erotically charged for the woman, yet that charge comes from the man being able to eliminate the erotic context. This is kind of a paradox not easy at first to understand. What the man basically needs to grip is his punishment of the woman is a behavior designed with the intent of her giving him the control necessary to enrich their intimacy. Punishment spanking is very powerful especially without erotic content. For the man, he will be able to accept her control and this will allow him a great feeling of relief, a sense of freeing.�He is in his natural place, it feels to him, and the woman is in her natural place as well. He has managed to internalize the kind of control necessary�through their exchange of language over time and now he is experiencing this control through the actual spanking. The problem is often times getting from language, or other behaviors used to internalize the true consent or what is truly needed,�to spanking. Once the man has gotten it then it is most common the spanking will not be too soft or too hard, just right for that relationship because he will not gain the natural control if he is not within her consent.

This is indeed a man/woman dance of connection. The reader might want to consider that last carefully and consider how their own husband or boyfriend spanks them and always, or nearly always, gets it just right unless the relationship is having other problems. This is the power of the original language the woman at first found so frustrating.

Getting from language used to accept her consent at an emotional level to the act of spanking seems to happen at the point the man understands emotionally that the need is his intimate control. There are a number of techniques�he may use to test the waters�or simply make the leap.�He needs be creative, in some sense, using some sort of tactic available in his specific relationship.�If he tries something someone else has done with success, this may or may not work well. nevertheless, I do give an example. The problem too is that the punishment must be�real�in order for it to have the effect the woman needs or to give the man the effect of freeing or relief. What do we mean by real?

Since the need is for intimate control, ‘real’ must be punishment used directly to gain and give that control. There will always be times in this early interaction where the control is not yet established. As an example, let us presume the need for control involves a need for the woman to obey and the control function will take this form. For example, the man may ask the woman to leave�a book�alone until he is ready to look at it with her, to wear a certain garment of clothing, to set the table a certain way, any number of small requests that for the most part she will obey. However, this dynamic is not perfectly established and so at some point her behavior will fail the test of obedience. In this instance, he can punish her and it is real.

The intent of punishment is not to punish the behavior of disobedience, this is not the need. The first intention of discipline will be to change how the couple relates if that change is understood to enrich their intimacy. Through punishment, often times physically quite severe, even to the point of tears because she has denied her most fundamental need, the man has gained intimate control. He feels free. The woman may experience something like a release of guilt, and she does.��It is freeing for her, a great relief because now she does not need to force herself to obey. or obey out of a sense of something like obligation. She will obey because this is her need and, because of the punishment, �obedience is how they relate. This enriches their intimacy and so satisfies the intention of discipline.

In summary, when a woman introduces her need for punishment to her man, he will generally use language in interaction with her to understand her need and then to form an internal basis for her consent. It is important that the woman be serious, even though it may not appear he is, though she may use language of fetish (and their is a fetish element in what we do) that he uses but only if she finds the very same language has an erotic charge. She needs to be as direct as possible, stressing most likely the lack of erotic context she wants especially if understands her need as inherently erotic. The man should feel comfortable over time, always engaging her in erotic spanking, increasing severity if this is her need and request, because this will also allow him some measure of understanding her boundaries in punishment.

When the time comes for punishment, the man should find a behavior she does that relates to the control she has already said she needs, and then punish this behavior without even discussing it beforehand. He needs to make the leap. He already has consent or she will refuse at that point in her own way. As he is using this discipline of spanking, he will gain a tremendous power of freeing and an enhanced sense of his own masculinity as the woman will also feel free in her own natural place of femininity. Mostly, though, he will enhance their intimacy because together they have changed the way they relate or interact.

Frank Nelson

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