Don't tell me to leave my baggage at the door

For many years I have struggled with my ‘baggage’. Lugging it around with me everywhere, I certainly didn't want to meet anyone with their own trailer load in tow. A man with baggage was definitely off limits. I wanted a man with no kids, no previous marriages, no bad relationships, no hang-ups, no issues, heck, no personality. I had pretty much excluded about 100% of the population.

So what exactly is baggage and why are we so dead set against it? What is this obsession we have for it, or lack thereof? Perhaps it's selfishness or laziness in dealing with extra problems. Maybe it's a fear of seeing ourselves in someone else; maybe it's just a whole new can of worms we aren't capable of dealing with. We all have our own protective mechanisms, and our means of coping with various circumstances are very diverse. But we've all had issues, and everyone has so-called baggage.

As I've grown and matured, my opinions on certain things have changed dramatically. I'm now in my early 30s and my outlook on life is that of someone who's been around the block a couple of times. I am an ever-evolving individual and I am more assertive about expressing myself than ever before. There are certain things that get my goat, and frankly this ‘baggage’ thing is one of them. So let me vent.

Baggage is another label which immediately devalues a person's life experiences; it belittles their challenges and hardships. Experiences we collect on our journey through life add to our personalities and give us character. They bestow us with strength. The adage “that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger” springs to mind. Challenges push us to our limits; they stretch our boundaries and encourage our tenacity. Hardships we all endure at some time or other facilitate adeptness and adaptability; they instill in us survival. They have the ability to change the face of innocence; they form the mortar of the walls we build to protect our vulnerable hearts; and they precipitate the infinite loss of trust.

So don't tell me to leave my baggage at the door. It is my rucksack full of the very essence of me. My entire substance lives within – my love, anger, fear, vulnerability, elation, innocence, regret. It holds memories of past woes and dreams of future exuberances. It is everything I've learned, everything that I've lost and also gained. It is all of who I am and I cannot, will not leave it behind. So don't ask me. Instead invite me inside with my baggage and we'll unpack it together. I'll place my experiences and struggles right there beside yours. I may be timid at first, I may not trust you enough to share, but with time and understanding our love will be strength enough to carry the load. The burden of both yours and mine will be ours to share. Together.

Peaches

Have you seen the following articles?
I don't want to be a servant or slave
How it felt to be taken in hand for the very first time
My perfect guy, and the marriage he has given me
She wants to be taken in hand against her will?!
Help! The one I love nowadays rarely wants sex!
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
The spice of the forbidden without any wrongdoing
The importance of making myself available
Obedience
Total obedience?

2004 Feb 21 - 08:42 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

baggage

That was lovely. I have felt guilty sometimes about the baggage I brought into my marriage, as if it was a burden for him that I should have just left somewhere. I had tragedy, and experience, and responsibility. But who doesn't? Nobody reaches marriageable age without things happening to him or her. Nobody gets there without some kind of damage, some responsibility or other that they didn't really plan for. These are the things that make us strong and interesting.

by Melanie on 2004 Feb 21 - 15:15 | reply to this comment

Why people have a thing about baggage

Baggage can be taken to mean any past relationship (especially marriage),

children, etc. In that case, I agree very much with Peaches and Melanie.

However, the word can refer to emotional problems or handicaps, or experiences which have made a person so wary that he or she is unable to form good relationships. In this sense, I think that it is worth being a bit careful, because unfortunately, no matter how much you might love them and want to help, some people have so much baggage that the chance that you will be able to form a good relationship with them is slim. I think one has to face this reality – though it would be a shame to assume that everyone you meet is in this category!

by the boss on 2004 Feb 21 - 15:32 | reply to this comment

I wouldn't give up the hard stuff

I don't think many people are unable to form good relationships. Sometimes, more work is required than you may wish to undertake, and in that case it's a good idea to avoid people with "baggage." But I agree, Peaches, that it's something that makes us who we are.

I consider myself very fortunate to have been able to share my baggage with my husband and have him share his with me. Holding each other, crying together, talking about things has allowed us both to learn and grow. We spend much more time laughing and playing together, of course, but I wouldn't give up the hard stuff for anything. :)

by Angela Harms on 2005 Oct 11 - 15:25 | reply to this comment

That baggage....

In 37 years I don't believe I have ever seen "baggage" described with so much love and support. It has gained such a negative role that I think we start placing limitations and hardships on the relationship before it even gets started. Out of fear or shame of sharing what is inside the "suitcases" or that we are carring "suitcases" we try and leave a vital part of our soul locked away.

Thank you for shining a different light on it.

~tonia

by pixie dreamer on 2006 Jul 18 - 17:51 | reply to this comment

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