Is he one of the good guys... or not?

A good guy...

- listens to dissent

- negotiates – tries to reach agreement

- can take a little criticism

- won't call you controlling to shut you up and stop you expressing your criticism/dissatisfaction, etc.

- is not hypersensitive

- doesn't get angry too much

- is reliable

- doesn't jerk you around

- doesn't yank your chain

- doesn't needle you

- doesn't treat you disrespectfully and then complain that you are not showing HIM the proper respect

- doesn't put you down

- tries to build you up, not introduce self-doubt in you

- doesn't lay down conditions on being in the relationship with you

- respects things in your life that are important to you

- adds to your life and happiness

- admits and apologizes when he has made a mistake.

Jerk clues to watch out for (Walk away even if only a couple of these apply!):

- can't take criticism

- He calls YOU controlling. (SOUND THE ALARM!)

- He has a bad temper/he's volatile/gets angry about things.

- He can't tolerate dissent.

- If only you would just do as he says, everything would be fine and you'd be happy.

- It's all your fault whenever anything goes wrong, as anyone can see. (NOT)

- You're always the one being “unreasonable”, never him.

- He either never admits that he's wrong, or offers profuse apologies for his mistake... only to do something even worse next time.

- He isolates you from your friends and family. Everyone is out to get him, or crazy, or an unsuitable friend for you to have. He makes it a loyalty thing. Him or them. Pick them.

- Your self esteem has suffered. You used to be confident and happy; now you're not.

- When he's loving, he's exceptionally loving. The good times stand out in your mind as being a slice of heaven.

- If a friend or family member you're close to has expressed concerns that you don't seem happy, and is worried that your relationship is not good for you, don't ignore their concerns. Try to be honest with yourself. Could they be right? Family and close friends can often see that all is not well long before we can. Even if your guy is not a jerk, he might nevertheless be bad for you. That matters too. A relationship should make you happier, not less happy.

Pat


Have you seen the following articles?
Is your relationship abusive?
Are you in an abusive relationship? A quiz
Is there consent?
One person's abuse is another person's happy marriage
Is this really consensual?
Are you in an abusive relationship? A quiz
Domestic discipline (DD)
Happy living in fear of a man?!
Why would anyone want to be controlled by a man?
Abusive men: Hedda Nussbaum's list of red flags

If you think there might be abuse in your relationship, you might like to read these articles too.