Change of heart

You might want to read First year trials before reading this article.


the boss, you ask about the process of letting go of the testing and settling down, and I've had to think about it in order to answer.

What would happen was this: Robert would exercise his authority in some way and I would hit the roof! It would go something like this:

R: “Susiejoy, it's time to go to bed. Shut off the computer and go upstairs now, and I'll come and tuck you in.”
S: “NO! I'm not READY to go to bed! I'll go to bed in a while!”
R: “NOW, Susie.”
S: “I hate this! You just want me out of your hair! This has NOTHING to do with my wellbeing, you're just being mean!”
R: (grabs me by arm and marches me upstairs all the while I'm wailing and yelling)
S: “I'm sorry Robert, I'm sorry....please don't leave me, I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm so afraid you're going to leave me because I'm so awful.”
R: (pushes me down on the bed and begins spanking me): “I will NEVER (SPANK!) EVER (SPANK!) leave you, but I can't wait for the day (SPANK!) when you stop testing me in this way.” (SPANK!)

Finally, one day, I got outside myself enough to see Robert's face during one of these spankings. It was determined, and tired and a little sad. And finally something like a shell around me shattered and my heart swelled with peace: I finally realized that 1. Robert meant that he would never, ever leave me and 2. I was exhausting him and 3. I wanted to be a better submissive to him.

It really did stop pretty suddenly, I think. I think in that moment of epiphany during that particular spanking I saw a real man who really loved me and that I was hurting him. And when I would get triggered after that, I would remember that moment, and it would sober me and stop me from letting go into rage. Perhaps it was allowing the reality of Robert's steadfast love (and good right arm!) to temper my fears and resentments. Perhaps it was realizing that Robert was really going to be in charge, and that my tantrums wouldn't stop him from exercising his authority. Perhaps it was letting go of the internal Fantasy Dominant and embracing the real one beside me. In any case, obedience is a hell of a lot easier now, almost second nature. And I've grown to adore and trust my husband so much my desire to have him proud of me outweighs any frustrations that obedience brings.

Susie Joy

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Have you seen the following articles?
She wants to be taken in hand against her will?!
Some possible benefits of taking your wife in hand
The subjection of women
Leadership, strength, emotional intimacy
Asserting dominance physically forcefully
The crooked path to where we are
The Night Porter: movie review
First year trials
How I turned the fantasy into reality
Why is BDSM so popular?