Happy living in fear of a man?!

Who in her right mind would be happy living in fear of her man? You'd have to be crazy to want to be afraid of your husband, wouldn't you? So why do some women actively want to feel a little trepidation around the man they love?

The short answer is that for the Taken In Hand woman such fear can be erotic. It can make her exquisitely and delightfully aware of the authority and control her man has over her. Living under the control of a man may be the last thing some women would want, and we can argue about the amount and type of control we are talking about, here, but ultimately, that is what the Taken In Hand woman wants; and for such women, a touch of fear and trepidation adds an exciting, sexy, even thrilling frisson to life.¹

The sort of fear I am talking about is not the fear of the battered wife but welcome fear – fear that the particular individual at that particular time enjoys. As I have explained before, a non-jaded horror movie buff would enjoy feeling scared when he watches a film like The Ring or Halloween. Similarly, an experienced public speaker might enjoy the nervous trepidation she feels before she begins to speak to a large and potentially hostile audience. A child might love the terrifyingly long, dark and curvy tunnel slide at her local water park – and might be disappointed if the fairground “Ghost Train” ride turns out to be less scary that she had hoped it would be.²

In his 1903 book, Sex and character, Otto Weininger wrote:

Woman is essentially a Phallus worshipper . . . permeated with a fear like that of a bird for a snake. . . It has never until now been made so clear where the bondage of women lies; it is in the sovereign, all too welcome power wielded over them by the Phallus.
This quote is powerfully erotic for many of those for whom it embodies a grain of truth. It alludes to the power of a dominant man to consensually and erotically control the woman who worships him. It highlights the fact that the man and the woman are different from one another, and it alludes to the fascination, the hint of fear, and the vulnerability that a woman in love can feel for her man.

When the Taken In Hand woman is with a man, she wants to be aware of the man as a man. She wants to be aware of his masculinity, his physical strength, and the fact that he is different from her. She wants to feel respectful towards him. Being aware of his authority, his power, and the control he has over her reminds her that he is not “one of the girls”. He may well be her best friend, but he is not a buddy and she doesn't want just another platonic friendship with him. He is the man she loves and reveres, the man in charge, the man who can make her shake and quiver with a mere word or look.

Many a strong, high dominance resistant woman with a commanding presence and alpha tendencies, constantly fears that she might inadvertently overwhelm and control her man. When such a woman knows that the man is an autonomous person very much under his own control with real power and authority he won't shrink from using to command respect from her, she can relax at last. The welcome fear has liberated her from the unwelcome fear. For the Taken In Hand woman, this is deeply relaxing, endlessly fascinating, and intensely erotic.

Footnotes

1) It should be obvious that the sort of fear I am talking about here is nothing like that of the battered woman living in fear of her husband. Nor am I making the argument that battered women enjoy being abused. And I am certainly not suggesting that women living in fear should keep a stiff upper lip and grit their teeth and ‘be strong’ in the face of their fear. That sort of fear is wholly bad.

2) Others would be so terrified that they wet their knickers – and at the other end of the scale, some would not feel fear of any kind in these situations. I am not saying that all women (or even most!) would enjoy feeling a little afraid of their husbands. This piece is about those who do, for those who do. Everyone else, please ignore it!

the boss

Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance
Being taken in hand is not a game
The resistant woman
Each relationship is a unique work in progress
The subjection of women
Obedience
Who needs forbidden fruit when you have this?
Communication
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
The missionary position

2004 Oct 25 - 14:22 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Fear of the man

Can I enjoy fearing a dominant man? Oh, yes, definitely. I've posted here before about how much I enjoy the feeling of fear I get in the presence of a man's physical strength and the thought of what he could do to me. That's what turns on my submission, more than spanking or various other activities that many people seem to associate with dominance.

I loved the quote from Weininger - and I am definitely a phallus-worshipper myself. (There are some terrific books out there on phallic worship in pagan religions, by the way.) But while I can relate somewhat to the fear of the phallus, I relate more to a fear of the man's fists and biceps. I enjoy harmless wrestling, sparring, etc. - anything where the man uses his overwhelming strength to conquer me and force me to submit. If I don't feel some real fear of his physical power, then I feel no submission or sexual desire, either.

I can also relate to what the boss said about what many of us "sexually submissive alpha females" (my terminology) fear the most: that the man will just not be strong enough, that he won't be willing or able to overpower me, that I'll never be truly dominated. I refuse to play at it like it's a 'game,' so if he does not actually conquer me, then it doesn't go anywhere. That has long been an issue for me, and it's probably why I'm still single. The issue is made even worse by the fact that many men assume an 'alpha female' would never be sexually submissive; if only they knew how very, very wrong they are about that.

by DeeMarie on 2004 Oct 25 - 22:41 | reply to this comment

Fear and love

No, fear cancels out love as far as I am concerned , I can't feel both siumltaneously. And as for worshipping the phallus, honestly! No, I don't do that, and I don't fear it either. It's a useful object yes, but an object of worship? I don't think so.

by Louise C on 2004 Oct 26 - 03:38 | reply to this comment

Living in Fear

How is any fear good? What's sexy about it? Fear is a negative emotion, not a welcome one. Being aware of my husband's strength and mastery over me is not the same as living in fear!!!

I would not feel able to submit to my husband if I was afraid of him - I need to be sure of his love every day - and I do believe that I wouldn't feel it if I felt fear.

by Submissive on 2004 Oct 26 - 09:38 | reply to this comment

Love and fear

The boss explained why fear is a welcome thing in her article. There is objective, incontrovertable proof that many people enjoy fear. That you find it 'negative' and 'not welcome' is irrelevent, unless you are of the opinion that everyone thinks and feels the same way you do. Do you think those of us who relish fear are sick, stunted, self-destructive, what?

Fear is exciting. Fear is thrilling. It's the adrenalin rush. It's overwhelming. It's being made small. It's being the prey. I can't explain why I find it sexy, exactly. I just do. You're simply going to have to take our word for it that it exists. At least for some of us.

by Ro on 2004 Oct 26 - 11:24 | reply to this comment

Fear as Respect

Beyond the thrill of *frisson* there lies the realm of respect. Absent respect, relationships between men and women fall into the abyss of political correctness.

Women respect men whom they know - or strongly expect - to be willing and able to resoundingly smack their bare behinds. It is a language that, often in private conversation, women acknowledge they understand and, if they have found the right man, appreciate.

There is a natural authority that men have over women and which, when they find the right man, women accept. Even to the casual observer, the power of men over women is more mystical than abusive. Its presence in human interaction has been recognized for millennia. This realization gives rise to the ancient concept of women desiring to be dominated by their husbands.

Only recently has the natural authority of men over women become despised, disparaged, and denigrated by a tiny minority of nature's experiments bent on imposing an unaffordable, unworkable, and unsustainable matriarchal utopia on the rest of mankind.

by Noone on 2004 Oct 26 - 12:04 | reply to this comment

Fear is exciting?

Well, I've never found it so myself. I've always found it a very destructive thing. In the past, my husband sometimes could make me feel very frightened, when he really lost his temper and yelled at me, and it did our relationship no good at all. I hated him for frightening me, and hated myself for being frightened, it was very destructive.

Since we have adopted a Taken In Hand relationship this doesn't happen any more, because he can keep his temper now under the most trying circumstances, and I am no longer frightened of him losing his temper because he doesn't. Take Sunday afternoon, for instance. I am under strict instructions to NEVER let the children go into his office, but as quite often occurs even nowadays I was not giving my full attention to keeping an eye on them, and the three-year-old went in there with a handful of crayons and proceeded to scribble all over his desk, printer and the screen on his laptop. Oh boy. He was absolutely livid, but he didn't lose his temper and he didn't yell at me, and so I wasn't frightened. He certainly made his displeasure felt, two days later I can still feel the after-effects, his reaction was painful, but not frightening

I certainly would not dream of suggesting that you are sick or stunted or anything for feeling otherwise, but for me fear has always been a horrible thing, and as Submissive says, I just couldn't feel the same love for my husband if I was afraid of him. The best thing about a Taken In Hand relationship for me, is that it has eliminated fear from our marriage.

by Louise C on 2004 Oct 26 - 15:22 | reply to this comment

butterflies in your tummy

Good article! I would not say that I am afraid of physical harm from my husband. That would be wrong for me. There is no fear of mortal harm either. If that were true this would not work for us. But.... there is no denying the flip my stomach does when he take out the paddle. The butterflies I get in my stomach are definitely fear. It is very similar to the butterflies I get at the top of a very large roller coaster. The very undeniable there is no turning back now no matter what feeling. It is thrilling. It must be part of what attracts me to this, otherwise why would we use spanking at all?

I am curious of the people who feel no fear at all, what do you feel just before a spanking? What happens when you have gone too far and suddenly there is no going back. You have just stormed your way past the "look" and you get the signal that what's coming is coming now no matter what?

Take care,
Tevemer

by Tevemer on 2004 Oct 26 - 15:22 | reply to this comment

No Fear?

Tevemer, I don't get punishment spankings but if I am about to get a hard spanking I would feel a little trepidation about that. However I feel absolutely no fear of my husband. I know he would stop the moment I said to. I always have a safeword but I have never used it. So what is there to be afraid of?

And as for a butterfly or two about the pain, even that isn't a big thing, because pain is temporary. Any woman who has been through childbirth has nothing to fear from a spanking.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Oct 26 - 15:47 | reply to this comment

Butterflies

Yes, I get butterflies when he gets the paddle out, but it's not fear, it's apprehension and anticipation mingled, it's not the same as fear, which I used to get when he lost his temper with me. It is a distinctly other kind of feeling.

On Sunday night he was really, really angry with me, and it hurt, my god it hurt, it was probably the worst spanking I've ever had, but still it didn't cause fear, because he was in control, and it was always his loss of control that frightened me.

Unlike the person above we don't have a safe word, and he won't stop when I ask him to, he'll stop when he decides I've had enough, but that's all right with me. I like him being in control, it makes me feel safe. I don't want to be able to stop him when I want, I like things the way they are, I don't want to have any control over what he does, but then I'm a one-dimensional sort of person!

by Louise C on 2004 Oct 26 - 17:13 | reply to this comment

The Butterfly Effect

GT has no safeword. In fact it doesn't matter how much she pleads or states her discomfort the spanking is not over until I deem it to be over. It is quite easy for me to tell when she is in the I have had enough zone not to mention the destinct "Hot Cherry Red" color her bottom turns. Both Tevmer and LouiseC mentioned the butterflies. I know that GT has no fear of me the human but certainly experiences the Butterfly Effect, before she is taken in hand physically.

I believe control is the key word. GT does not tell me what to do, how to spank or how to do anything for that matter. It is as though her submission is her way of saying "I know you are in control, I am totally yours and I totally trust that you are making the right decision."

This is not to say that she and I don't talk about what caused it or why she is going to be taken in hand physically, because we do. The fact is, it has been my experience that this type of communication also causes the Butterfly Effect and an ubelievable connection between GT and I. I feel that the Butterfly Effect is caused by a certain style of dominance and for some woman but certainly not all woman is a major turn on.

Respectfully, Race

by Race on 2004 Oct 29 - 19:52 | reply to this comment

No fear - trust

I can't think of any reason why I'd want my woman to be afraid of me. I want her to trust me completely, and where there is fear, there is no trust, and the relationship won't work. I want my wife to feel so free from any fear that she can completely let go and surrender, submit, trusting implicitly. I would be very disappointed if my wife told me she fears me. I know she doesn't. She trusts me, she submits. Is this fear necessary for a Taken In Hand relationship?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Nov 9 - 10:09 | reply to this comment

Is fear necessary?

My own view of fear accords with your own, I would not feel the love or trust that I do for my husband if I was afraid of him. But fear seems to mean different things to different people, and there are others on this site who do not necessarily find it an unpleasant emotion, as I do. There are many different shades of opinion on here, you can take your pick which you prefer.

by Louise C on 2004 Nov 9 - 15:24 | reply to this comment

Fear and Trust

Fear is not an emotion that I enjoy. I have had experiences of fear that made me sick to my stomach and caused alot of pain in my life. Pain that I do not care to relive. Then there are healthy fears that we all have in life to protect our mortality. The consequence of speeding may cause a serious car accident,or having a healthy fear of fire can protect us from getting burned or burning our house down. Healthy Fears can protect us from harm.

Spanking in in our relationship is not harmful. I am not beaten, I am soundly spanked and with good reason.

When my husband takes me in hand or is getting ready to hold me accountable for something ,I do not fear him. It doesn't make me nauseated, it reconfirms the respect I have for him. Yes, there are butterflies because I know what is about to take place and I know that he is in complete control, not me!

Yesterday I owned up to something I had done that turned out to be disrespectful towards him and he let me know that it was certainly inappropriate.I was not fearful of my husband but I did fear the pain of the spanking. He was able to administer it quite successfully despite my protests. The more I protested the harder it was.

The most important thing for me is not fear but the complete trust that I have in my husband,

by Kat on 2004 Nov 13 - 02:21 | reply to this comment

Developing a taste for fear

The fact that some of the women posting here do not like being afraid and are not afraid of their men, should not surprise anyone.

There are plenty of people who do not like roller coasters, scary movies or haunted houses. Enjoying fear, being aroused by fear and craving fear are a matter of individual taste.

It is no different from enjoying, or being aroused by, the smell of leather.

Furthermore, it is possible to develop a taste for something that you currently don't like, especially in a different context. I never liked capers until I tried them with lox and cream cheese.

Similarly, a woman might find that she can develop a liking of fear or be aroused by it if it is flavored in a particular way.

Experiencing fear along with something that you find arousing, and in a context where you are pretty sure you are safe, might give you a taste for it by association.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Nov 16 - 00:53 | reply to this comment

Fear and trust can coexist

Those who say they do not want to feel fear aren't discussing the same thing the author of this article was discussing. It's not the fear you feel in a situation like if you're being mugged or you're in a house fire, it's the scary movie/rock climbing fear. It's a welcome part of the experience. It's the thing that makes being taken in hand better than merely being spanked. It's kind of exciting, it makes you want your husband and respect him more because you feel he's a real man. You FEEL it.

by Miranda on 2004 Dec 23 - 10:48 | reply to this comment

The triple A effect

I personally don't enjoy any kind of fear, I don't like scary movies, roller coasters, or anything that makes me feel scared. My feeling before, say, getting spanked, is not fear, it is what I think of as the triple A effect - anticipation, apprehension, and arousal. Not fear.

by Louise C on 2004 Dec 25 - 05:42 | reply to this comment

No Fear - Trust

As a submissive, i NEED the fear of discipline. It is exactly the way i was brought-up. I think it's great if you have the PERFECT Wife that never needs the fear of discipline...

by iso harmony on 2005 Jun 14 - 11:36 | reply to this comment

The perfect wife?

Yes, but would a wife who never needed discipline be perfect for a man who enjoyed disciplining her? Might he not get a bit frustrated if he never got the chance to discipline her, if he wanted to? I have no fear of discipline at all, but a very strong craving for it, and even if I was perfect (which I am not - ask my husband), I'd still want it. There's needing and needing, you might 'need' discipline in the sense of desiring it, even if you didn't actually 'need' it in the sense of deserving it. Fortunately this is not something I have to worry about, the chances of my ever being the perfect wife are non-existent. But then I'm not married to the perfect husband, which is just as well.

"Pictures of perfection make me sick and wicked" - Jane Austen.

by Louise C on 2005 Jun 14 - 13:13 | reply to this comment

For me, it is definitely Fear!!

And I Love that feeling. I don't get punished very often, but for me, when I have pushed him way too far and he starts to unbuckel that belt the words apprehension and anticipation just don't do it justice. I am scared, but I know I am safe too. I wouldn't change it for anything. Heck, I am the one who asked for this part of our relationship.

by maskpen on 2005 Aug 12 - 17:47 | reply to this comment

We women love it

Social institution are the reflexion of human nature. Being a woman and knowing a lot of women around me i know that how much women love to be submissive to their husbands fascinates with the idea of being dominated by them.no economic system can abolish the authority of men over women b coz women love it so much.

A new system can change the form and human nature is made to sythesise or reconcile it with the older form.so the whole debate should veer round the concept of form in which men`s domination over women can function properly and give both of them a lot of pleasure.

by submissivewife25 on 2005 Oct 2 - 17:21 | reply to this comment

I can't curb my enthusiasm

I like a slight amount of fear and when I can't find the man who can cause it I will actively seek it out where I know for certain I will find what I need.

No, I'm not for the battered woman syndrome myself and that is not what I mean. I would leave in that type of situation anyway. It's difficult to put into words but anyway I found him and I'm EXTREMELY happy.

He makes my heart beat faster.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Jul 11 - 18:18 | reply to this comment

fear

Why should anyone need to fear or learn to fear. I agree with the comments of others that didn't want their wives to fear. And I would not want to fear. I do understand the feelings that transpire when as, was said, you have pushed past the "look". I know the butterflies of knowing that your comuppence is at hand, but fear to me indicates that someone is out of control. That is certainly not what I'm looking for in a hoh. I want someone in control, that controls themselves and knows how to control me.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2007 Jun 14 - 23:17 | reply to this comment

Healthy fear

To some extent, I live in fear of my husband, and I'm okay with that, because I know that he loves me, that he will take care of me and that he will protect me. Being taken in hand is the consequence of my actions in the context of our Taken In Hand relationship - not of his anger.

And when he is gently taking me in hand (through the tone of his voice, or a firm hand on my arm for instance), I am turned on enourmously! That feeling of fear mixed with knowledge that he loves me enough to care about me in this way is extremely sexy to me. I can say that those are the times when sex is hotter than hot... he takes me roughly on those nights - or days - and I love it. So all in all, I think a little healthy fear is a good thing.

M-

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 Aug 13 - 02:30 | reply to this comment

SPLITTING HAIRS

I may be splitting hairs, but every time I look up the definition of "apprehension" (for those of you who say they don't feel fear, but feel apprehension), I find that for the most part the number one definition contains the word "fear." ("Trepidation" is the same way.) I think some people may be afraid of using the word "fear," because it has negative connotations. My husband and I like to call it "healthy fear." It's that kind of healthy fear that, when I was growing up, I felt for policemen, teachers, and clergy, to name a few. It goes kind of hand-in-hand with respect, that I can see. Now I can add my husband to that list. (Mind you, the kids today don't know what healthy fear is; the 90's motto of "no fear" really did that one in.)

Everyone's level of feeling healthy fear may be different. Louise doesn't like adrenaline rushes like scary movies, roller coasters, etc., but I can't imagine that she doesn't feel a rush with some things. I know I always loved to swing high on a swing set to feel that little rush in the pit of my stomach just after reaching the apex of each swing and beginning my rapid descent the other direction. Fear releases adrenaline. You can call it apprehension or call it whatever you want, but it's still a level of fear. (A rose by any other name...)

Personally, I don't see how it is possible to NOT to feel fear when you are about to be hurt, and face it, spankings are meant to hurt!

by Adjel on 2008 Aug 29 - 12:12 | reply to this comment

Fear and apprehension

Well, to me there is a clear distinction between fear and apprehension. I have felt genuine fear, for instance in the past when my husband used to fly into quite violent rages sometimes, and I used to be genuinely fearful that he was actually going to hurt me or something. I don't feel that way at all about being spanked. Although I feel mildly apprehensive before a spanking, that doesn't stop me craving the spanking, no matter how much it hurts. And usually I am having to bite the pillow to stop myself screaming, but I still don't feel fearful at the prospect.

Perhaps, if apprehension means fear, then 'apprehension' isn't the right word for how I feel before a spanking. In which case I don't know what it is. However, whatever it is, I can assure you it is not fear.

Louise

by Louise C on 2008 Aug 31 - 07:36 | reply to this comment

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