Good article. For me too, punishment spankings and sexuality are all bound up together. I'm the same way as your husband: if I wasn't mad, I wouldn't use the strop! And the act of stropping almost always leads to sex.

I feel the same way, Lucy. My husband doesn't get angry easily and I hate it when he's upset with me. I wouldn't want to provoke him into spanking me. There seems to be something dishonest about that. I'd much rather have him do it just to assert himself.

Although discipline spankings are the most satisfying, and although my husband has overcome any initial issues he had with "hitting" me, I think sometimes he still equates spanking as punishment too much like a what could occur in a parent-child relationship. He would never think a child deserving of a hard bare-bottom paddling for something as simple as using a disrespectful tone or other seeming minor infraction. He was spanked as a child and I have a feeling he remembers those punishments as being for major things and probably as a last resort. And none, I believe, were bare bottom. So, his knee-jerk reaction is to apply the same gauge to spanking me. Let's face it, spanking your wife for ANY offense is generally considered absurd, let alone for something minor. Long story short, we're working through this and trying to view spanking as for discipline as more of a symbol of his authority that he can demonstrate at will, not necessarily directly related to a specific "crime."

Lucy

From the other comments on this article one can tell that there are not many ladies who wish to disobey their husbands or to intentionally earn a punishment spanking. I too feel a great desire to please my man.

My man never spanks in anger. In fact I have never seen him angry with me, believe it or not.

Making love is neither out of the question after a punishment spanking, nor a necessary consequence thereof. The main purpose of spankings from my gentleman, whether they are as punishment, play, motivation or arousal is always the same - to share love. He by giving me what I need to thrive and I by accepting it graciously.

hmmm. I'm not always physically aroused by punishment. And sex doesn't always follow it. In fact when sex happens or doesn't happen seems to have very little bearing on punishment or vice versa actually.

But I also do not believe that I'm in any way being abused. Some people really want another person to control and punish them when they disobey. My being an adult has nothing to do with it. Love has nothing to do with it. That my husband and I love each other is a given.

This article speaks from my heart (except for the remarks on D/s in the beginning).

Thank you Precious Baby, for your comment above. While I mean no offense to the many others on this site who desire to be spanked, I appreciate hearing from a woman who is taken in hand that includes discipline spanking yet "could do without it." You see, I have a taken in hand relationship with my wife that involves discipline spankings. Yet just as you described, my wife does not act up to receive spankings and, if asked, would likely also say that she could do without them. However, despite this, her mood, attitude and behaviors clearly benefit from them, as does our relationship. For example, because of this control/power dynamic (a few simple rules, the threat of discipline, my evident concern for her well-being, etc.), she feels more cared for, I feel more in control, she feels more loved, I focus more on her positive qualities than any annoyances, she sees me as being more masculine/exciting/etc. The net of it is that we are more connected and attracted to each other than we have been in years. It is clear that this is working for us.

But I digress. With respect specifically to discipline spanking, much as you stated, we do it because I want to and believe it to be helpful to us both. I find it allows me to more easily ignore petty annoyances and focus on the positive. And knowing my responsibility as head of house forces me to keep my wife's best interests and needs in mind. Keeping that focus allows me to not have to be concerned about minor things because we both know I have the final say and can exercise my authority, as needed and when appropriate of course.

As for my wife, and as is merely human, none of us always does what is best for us. In particular, she has difficulty with self-discipline which oftentimes causes her to not follow through on things she should or has previously committed to. Note that I'm talking about important things such as healthy eating, reasonable amount of exercise, getting to bed at a decent hour, putting her own needs at least equal to if not ahead of others' (she tends towards the opposite), etc., as well as a few things that we have agreed are important to our relationship such as showing me reasonable levels of respect and affection. If these things slip or are not attended to, then we address it. Wishing to avoid this is generally motivation enough for her.

And when she has needed to be corrected, while willingly going along with something that she would rather not do, she has blossomed. She says the spankings don’t bring us closer together. However, her attitude and behavior say otherwise. She becomes calmer, more willing to please, less likely to present excuses, etc. It’s like we break through all the mental walls and bullshit and get back to the truth.

Further, as indicated above, because she wishes to avoid spankings in the first place, she does better at self-discipline and lives a better life, both in her own right and as a wife.

Okay, by now you may be wondering why I’m writing all this. It’s simple. Your comment struck a chord with me as sounding more like my situation with my wife than do many of the other comments from wives who seem to derive more direct pleasure from being spanked. As such, I guess all I’m asking is that you continue to post your thoughts, feelings, comments and experiences so that my wife and I can hopefully benefit from them.

And thanks again to everyone who has posted on this site. We may all have somewhat different feelings, motivations, actions, and needs, but we all benefit from the open discussion of them.

If your wife says that spanking doesn't bring you closer together I don't understand why you still wish to spank her.
Just because she has what you consider to be a better attitude that does not necessarily mean you are closer. It may just mean she is behaving to avoid another spanking. You really do need to be careful as she may end up resenting you and I cannot see how that will be good for your relationship at all.

Sully

Thank you for your kind comments. I do feel as though I am a loner on this site because of the fact that it was my man who wanted a Taken In Hand relationship as opposed to me wanting it. I do still struggle with it and spanking is one of those areas.

So why do I do it? Well it is simple really--it is because he wants it and needs to do it, and as you have said, this makes us different from most of the other posters. I do it because I love him and I desire to make him happy! I do it because he is worth it to me!

He is adamant about being in charge! He contends that not only does he have to be in control of our relationship but it is a need. I was very struck by that thought because what do men do when it is them that want a Taken In Hand relationship? And how do they convince the woman they are madly in love with to give it to them? I tell you what-- it is not a simple process for them as my man can attest to! He had to prove that he was worth it before I could come on board!

He introduced me to this site to open me up to the idea and I come here to seek knowledge, bounce around ideas, and mostly because there just is not anywhere else to go. Not that has these dynamics in place.

Do I hate getting spanked? I believe a more appropriate word would be dread. I dread getting spanked! Sometimes more than at others-- depending on circumstances! This is a tricky one because in a sense I would say yes I do because I dread the pain! And the pain I feel makes me angry! So to get past that frustration he has to break me down and make me cry! I also dread what it means to get spanked! I am in charge of many projects and have many people depending on my leadership and who in there right mind would ever again take me seriously if they knew that I allowed myself to be spanked. But, and here is the tricky--it does make us more connected to each other and our sex life soars as a result! I am still perplexed as to why but non-the-less it does, and that is what I love!

As far as punishment spankings go they only happen rarely and it is usually to diffuse an argument run amuck! He eases the tension between us by spanking me and therefore releases our anxieties by allowing him to vent and allowing me to release emotions. These times are hard for me because I sometimes feel that it is unfair that I get spanked over an argument that we both created. In these times he is very attentive to me! He validates my feelings and admits his faults but gently reminds me that it is he who is in charge and he will decide how to end the tensions between us! He spanks much more for connection than for punishment. They feel as painful as a punishment spanking but without the feeling of I did something wrong.

My man doesn't try to change my behaviors so changing my behavior to avoid a spanking is not to much concern but maybe if I needed help in certain areas he might voice opinion then. I am only able to consume small amounts of alcohol before it affects me and he does let it be known that he does not like it if I indulge to much. I rarely drink so it is not really a factor. I do find it interesting though that I now consider my thoughts and actions and his interpretation of them more carefully whereas before I would be more inclined to do what I wanted and assume he was fine with it. I was concerned in the beginning (and somewhat still) that when I agreed to try a Taken In Hand relationship that he might try to make me change but he makes no expectations and loves the way that I am. He says if there is something he needs or wants he will assume responsibility and just take it or make me do it!

I don't know why some posters find it strange that I would submit to a spanking if I would rather not. I am, after all, in a Taken In Hand relationship! It is what he wants and needs, and more importantly, it is what he is deserving of having.

So there you have it! He proved his worth and I am giving it a go. So far it has been bliss!

Well, I found the whole concept of Taken In Hand pretty strange when I discovered it, and I still do. That it seems to work for me is even stranger.

The spanking thing is very personal to me, and I am apt to recoil somewhat when I read of women putting up with being spanked when they hate it, because I have always found being spanked very sexy and romantic, and therefore am somewhat appalled by the idea of a woman submitting to it when she hates it. However, you evidently find the results worth enduring the experience, which is good.

I hope your husband appreciates how lucky he is, many women (me for instance) would find it impossible to submit to a physical experience that they really dreaded. there is absolutey no way I could endure being spanked if I felt about it the way you do.

Louise

Dear Sully,

My husband is really laid back too. I wanted him to spank me more often, longer, and harder so I just told him after he had just spanked me and we while we were cuddling that I enjoy it when he is a brute and the more he spanks me the more desirable he becomes in my eyes.

I told him I would obey him and never disrespect him if he gave me a daily preemptive spanking. He liked the way I behaved after a spanking too. He also enjoyed spanking me and giving me a taste of his authority so after much working out what number of strokes and how hard they should be to fully satisfy me, we arrived at about 100 from a corporal ruler leather paddle from thelondontanner and forty swats with the leather loopy johnny from the londontanner also.

Wow, they keep my bottom feeling sore and my attitude quite submissive. Of course if I do something to displease him he gives me a punishment spanking on top of the daily one and owwww! since my bottom is already very sore it really is a good deterent to keep my promise to behave!

I am a happy wife with a warm tail and a sweet spirit. You'll have to work out the number and type of punishment you need to keep you and him happy. My husband is very satisfied with our life and marriage now.

teri

For me, it's not about change, except in the short term. It's about making my husband feel better when he's pissed off with me about something 'taking it out on your bottom' as he puts it, does him a lot of good, and makes us both feel better. It 'restores the connection' as Frank Nelson puts it, and makes us feel closer together if there has been any tension between us. My husband doesn't expect to make any permanent change in mew by spanking me, because he knows that my character is not going to change completely. He knows I am still going to be sulky, difficult, absent-minded or disobedient at times, and he expects that. Perfection is not on offer.

Somebody on another site I think, suggested that there is a difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment(in the context of a consensual adult relationship) is given for some offence committed and makes both participants feel better. 'Discipline' is given with the intention of causing some long-term behaviour change and ultimately eliminating whatever behaviour the personis being spanked for. In that context, what I get is generally punishment rather than discipline, and I most certainly do look forward to it. I adore being spanked when my husband is really annoyed with me about something and puts real vigour into it, the more I feel he means it, the more I love it.

Dread is something I have sometimes felt when he was really angry with me and shouting at me about something, I have felt sick with fear at such times, and it wasn't at all an agreeable sensation. it is not something I wish to ever experience again.

Louise

Louise, thank you for your comment. Yes, he is very appreciative of me. He calls me his Precious Baby and treats me as such. He tells me often what a precious gift I have given him.

I also, am very lucky to have a man who has taken such care in making sure that I feel safe, and loved, and validated by him. He wanted something but put me first in his quest to getting it. I love him so much for that!

I am however, a little confused by your recoiling comment. Are you not the same Louise C. that posted on Don't forget your whip that " I don't feel ecstatic while it's happening, I just feel pure pain. I absolutely hate it, and yet I would be disappointed if my husband stopped before he decided I'd had enough." "Anything is better than having him go back and start again. I know I want him to do it, I know I need him to do it, but I don't feel ecstacy while he is doing it, anything but."?

It sounds similar to what I am describing! It is the after-effect that I find happiness with. The exhaustion of my emotions and his authority well established that brings my romantic feelings out.

You say that you could not endure being spanked in the manner I have described but your posting on the other article states otherwise. It is an older posting so I assume your experience has changed over time? If so, then maybe mine will as well. We have been together for three and a half yrs. and have been initiating Taken In Hand principles for two and half of those.

Only time will tell!

Precious Baby

Thanks for your advice and thoughts.

We've tried the daily and maintenance spanking route and it doesn't give me the same thrill. In fact I end up being a bit resentful. There needs to be a reason for me to be spanked for it to have the full effect.

We still have spankings that I initiate and some that I playfully minx for on a regular basis. It is like many things in a relationship Taken In Hand waxes and wanes sometimes he is quite full on and other times it is almost like he has forgotten all about it.

This does not come naturally to him and I am grateful and appreciate that he is trying as hard as he is. It is what it is now, and we will see where it goes. When we are full on he is at his happiest but it is an effort for him to sustain it in the same way that it was an effort for me to try to be actively submissive.

We go with the flow now and I believe, over all, we are much happier than trying to both be something that we are clearly not.

Sully