A dominant man brainwashed into submission

All through my childhood I was taught to be submissive; “do what you are told”, “don't ask why, just do it”, “do it because I told you to do it”. I was submissive, but I hated being so.

Later, I was submissive to most of the women in my life, and got no fulfillment through my relationships with any of them. Then one day I met a woman whom I just took into my life, in a manner that was totally opposite of the way I was trained. Something inside me just snapped, and I just ‘took possession’ of her. For the duration of my relationship with her, I was the dominant one. For a brief moment in time, I was living a fantasy that until then I kept buried in the deep recesses of my mind. It was the only relationship I had up to that point in my life that was truly fulfilling for me.

It wasn't until much wasted time later that I learned that my entire life should have been that way. I hated most of my life because I was playing a role that was opposite of my nature.

Finally, I found the strength within myself to shed the very powerful conditioning that kept me from being the man I want to be. In spite some personal tragedies that have occurred during the past couple of years, I am far more content now than then because I now know how I must behave to please myself.

Mike Starre (StarreGazer)

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2007 Feb 28 - 17:19 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Tell us more!

Mike,

Please tell us more about how you found out your own dominance. How did your relationship with this woman start? How did she feel about it?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2007 Mar 6 - 20:27 | reply to this comment

She was the catalyst

A friend and I went out on a double date. He knew both women, and introduced me to them. He was to be with one and I with the other, but I was irresistably drawn to the one with him. I must have seemed rude and callous, because I made no bones about the fact I wanted to be with her. He gave in and went with the other, and the four of us went out on the date. I felt an aura of empowerment emanating from her that I never felt before or since in my entire life.

I arranged other dates with her later on, and this developed into what I believed to be a long-term relationship. She catered to my every whim, and that was something no one else has ever done. It was a very strange feeling of power, and along with it was the temptation to become abusive. I never gave in to it, but it made me realize why many good submissive women are abused and become soured to the idea of being submissive in later relationships.

Our relationship lasted about a year and a half, at which time I learned she had a husband in the military who was returning from overseas duty. Needless to say, that became the end of us as a couple.

In spite of her deception, I will always be grateful to her for what we did have for that brief period of time. I lived a fantasy that I didn't believe was possible. It made me want that kind of a relationship again, because I knew it was possible, with the right woman.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2007 Mar 9 - 05:31 | reply to this comment

The urge to become abusive

Mike Starre wrote:

She catered to my every whim, and that was something no one else has ever done. It was a very strange feeling of power, and along with it was the temptation to become abusive. I never gave in to it, but it made me realize why many good submissive women are abused and become soured to the idea of being submissive in later relationships.

Will you say more about this temptation to become abusive? What were you tempted to do that you consider abusive? Any idea why you felt that temptation? Are you sure that the woman in a relationship with you would experience it as abuse if you were to give in to the temptation?

by the boss on 2007 Mar 9 - 11:51 | reply to this comment

Please explain.

Yes, like the boss I'd like to know more about this temptation to become abusive. I think my fiance feels this sometimes as well.

by LoveMyPugs on 2007 Mar 9 - 16:16 | reply to this comment

withholding dominance

This is exaclty what my man has described to me. He says that he bottled up those feelings believing them to be wrong and fearful that if he acted on them he would scare women away. He was dominant in more subdued ways with women but not in the fashion that he craved.

It was when he and I began dating that he says he knew it was what he wanted from our relationship and he slowly began introducing these thoughts and actions to me. He was patient with my reluctance and understanding of my concerns but he would not back down. As time went on he became more and more dominant. He says that for the first time he feels he is living life with a woman the way he has always dreamed of. He tells me often what a precious gift I have given to him and calls me his Precious Baby.

This has been a profound revelation to me that this man needs this in his life to feel whole. He says he would never go back to living the way he did before. He takes possession of me just as you described above and the love that pours out of him towards me, for my albeit reluctant participation, is a love I have never before felt and can't imagine being without.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I learn so much from the men who write in. My reluctance seems to put me at odds with some of the women on this site and so I gain more insight from the thought processes of the men who desire to take their women in hand.

Keep looking and you will find her.

Precious Baby

by Precious Baby on 2007 Mar 9 - 19:22 | reply to this comment

Sadistic Desire? Contempt?

I have a mild sadistic streak that is "aggravated" by certain personalities, and hers was one of them. That, coupled with the fact that I believed that submissive folk were somehow defective caused me to have a bit of disdain for her. I saw a lot of myself as a submissive person, which I utterly detested, in her. I hated the submissive life I had led, and she innocently reminded me of it. When she would do something stupid, I wanted to knock her across the room.

But then, fortunately, my rational side would kick in. The "something stupid" was just an excuse to beat her up. Why? Because her behavior reminded me of something I hated about myself. And I think again that her behavior is bringing me so much pleasure. So, what was I to do, beat the crap out of her for being the best thing that ever happened in my life? That just made no sense, and yet the impulse was always there.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2007 Mar 9 - 23:08 | reply to this comment

Good

I have known quite a few dominant man. What always interests me is the consistencies of their experiences. I think it's as if one were a gay man and had always had to date women and then suddenly you get the chance to date a man and everything makes sense and slots into place; the same when you first go out with a very submissive woman who genuinely wants to please because that's how she's made and what she needs. It's very simple and pure in some ways and easy if that's what you both need on each side.

Men who are lucky enough to find or be naturally attracted to a submissive girl early on, 18, 19, 20 seem to find it easier. If however you don't find a match early you can have years of not knowing whether what you want is wrong or warped.

Anyone submissive like me needs to be very careful about being abused so the warning above is very wise.

by Hera on 2007 Mar 9 - 23:48 | reply to this comment

Then And Now

Precious Baby, the way you describe you husband fits me now, but not then. My self-hatred clouded my relationship with this woman, even though I doubt she was aware of it. Even I wasn't aware of the reason for my conflicting feelings for her until long after the relationship ended. I now understand that my contemptuous feelings are toward what I used to be, and not toward the woman I desire and crave. I do believe I will find her. I lived that life once, even though I learned later that it had no real substance. I will live it again and with far more substance at its core.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2007 Mar 10 - 08:33 | reply to this comment

Sadistic Desire?....Contempt?

But then, fortunately, my rational side would kick in. The "something stupid" was just an excuse to beat her up. Why? Because her behavior reminded me of something I hated about myself. And I think again that her behavior is bringing me so much pleasure. So, what was I to do, beat the crap out of her for being the best thing that ever happened in my life? That just made no sense, and yet the impulse was always there.

Mike....I think you are struck with a good and healthy realization. It is fairly well known that what makes us feel the most angry about the behavior of others is that their behavior reflects something deep seated we don't like in ourselves. I can understand the immediate impulse to strike out but, fortunately, the impulse to strike out in such a manner is not part of Taken In Hand sexuality. In fact, being otherwise sexually driven by Taken In Hand sexuality may have actually helped to prevent you from acting on these impulses. It may seem unclear to those outside Taken In Hand but the truth seems to be that men who discover their sexuality in Taken In Hand type settings are much less inclined to abuse than 'normal' men.

I want to make it clear here that I believe the warnings given that women should be wary of abusive men are worth noting. The trouble comes because some men drawn to BDSM are so drawn because it gives them a vehicle for abusing women without having to take personal responsibility for that abuse. Simply because a man says he wants to take command, be dominant and so forth does not mean he is erotically connected in this way....if it is abusive it is power and control in an abusive way (sexual, yes, but not erotic).

Another idea I'd like to introduce having to do with your realization is the use of power exchange to change our perceeptions of our own past. A power exchange involves a bonding together (intimate connection read as 'connection from within'). For some people I beleive what happens is our feelings are in a way transformed so that what we once felt as destructive and mean in our own past as reflected in the behavior of our partner (much as you describe) simply becomes part of who we are as a person. We lose the desire to shut the door on this part of ourselves because, basically, what we dislike about oursleves genrally isn't that bad a thing anyway. We simply use our past in a different way because our perceptions of our past have changed. We connect with our partner in a delightfully erotic way.

Your personal reflection and introspection highlights one of the most significant individual benefits of Taken In Hand relationships and is a good practical example of 'how it works' to develop a mutually satisfying erotic and intimate connection.

Frank Nelson

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2007 May 12 - 18:55 | reply to this comment

Perception Of My Past

Interesting that you say that my relationship changed my perception of my past, because that is just exactly what it did. Unfortunately, the realization of that change was delayed by a few decades. I am no longer bitter about it, it's just something that happened that threw me off course for most of my life, but I think I am back on track where I should be.

Mike Starre

by StarreGazer on 2007 May 13 - 00:21 | reply to this comment

Hidden dominance

I do not like my weakness, and before I visited this site I thought I was submissive. I suppose that doesn’t make any sense because I tried fantasizing about it and it just felt wrong. I know that my parents love one another, but if there relationship was any indication of how marriage worked I could not see the point in it. Then I stumbled across this site a few days ago, and everything just seems to be clicking. I do have some work to do, like getting more in touch with my desire to be in control. It’s going to be harder with me not having good sight, but I suppose it is just another hurdle I will have to jump over.

P.S. I wasn’t positive if there were any women out there who liked their men to be in control. I was glad to be proven wrong.

by fireinu on 2007 May 18 - 04:18 | reply to this comment

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