Editor's note: Taken In Hand now has a ‘personal ads’ section for individuals looking for a Taken In Hand relationship. The following beautiful piece is a shining example of the sort of introduction that is welcome on Taken In Hand. Note that the man who wrote it received many replies (not surprisingly!) and is now no longer available.

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I'm single, 54 years old, and looking for a wife. I'm a business executive with a lot of international experience, and, appropriate to my job, I tend to be pretty analytical.

Though I've mostly lived and worked in politically liberal environments, I'm fairly traditional in my daily life. I am socially liberal though, and strongly believe that people should lead their lives as they see best (as long as they're not hurting anyone else). I'm sexually adventurous in a basically standard fashion, that is, I have no interests in BDSM, polyamory, same-sex relationships, or multiple partners, but otherwise pretty much anything goes.

I'm 18 months out of my last serious relationship, and want to find one person with whom to share the rest of my life. Like many at this point in their lives, I've been thinking about my past relationships and how to make the best possible choices for the future.

The number one thing I'm looking for is emotional intimacy. I've had it in the past, and don't want to live without it. It's part of my fundamental make-up to seek deeper ties with those close to me, whether family, friends, lovers, or wife.

This search has led me here and a few like places on the net, where I've gained some insight into my make-up and the make-up of the partners with whom I've been most compatible. The beginnings of that insight, and the subsequent search, started when my last partner told me that I was, “a naturally dominant man, who wasn't very aware of it, and who rarely exercised his dominance.”

In addition to internet searches, I've since talked about this with various women friends and relatives (in great detail with a couple). Their feedback has been very helpful, and boils down to “you're a big, authoritative guy to whom certain women are going to be especially attracted” and “some women want to be dominated in certain ways, just accept it – it doesn't necessarily mean they're submissive – they just want the man in their life to be in charge to a greater or lesser extent.”

What I now realize is that the three major relationships in my life (especially my marriage) have all involved significant, though incomplete, domestic discipline elements, and that the women in them were attracted to me in some important measure by what they saw as the dominance or strength they were looking for. And I know that I found the dominance aspects of those relationships fulfilling, though I was never consciously looking for that feeling, as such.

None of these relationships involved any spanking (except for some minor erotic spanking) or other conscious discipline. All three of these women, however, asked me at various times to spank them, something I now realize was motivated by much more than eroticism. I never took it seriously, and never seriously acted upon those requests.

In all three relationships, I was the leader and the strong one, who guided (not controlled) the course of the relationship and provided an anchor for my partners. (That is natural for me – I've been a leader in most aspects of my life since I can remember – in school, business, family and other personal relationships.)

In day-to-day life, though, these relationships were basically those of equals and were pretty ‘normal’ in all respects – it's just that I was somewhat more dominant, and acted in a mild to strong head of the household way, depending on my partner at the time. (All the relationships ended for reasons that had nothing to do with dominance or discipline issues, as far as I can tell, even after reading the comments of the women who've posted here about their dissatisfaction with non- spanking, non-disciplinary mates.)

I've always looked for and been primarily attracted to strong, independent women, and the three significant relationships I mentioned above were with such women, all well-educated and successful in their careers.

Until recently, I never realized that some strong, independent women can also have the desire for their partner to be explicitly dominant, whether in daily life or just in the bedroom. In fact, if I had ever been asked about it, I would have said just the opposite.

Like many people, I thought spanking was vaguely ‘wrong’, certainly not something I would ever subject ‘my’ woman to. I thought it would be demeaning, and, as has been expressed here many times, I have the same reservations about striking a woman that most men have – I've never hit a woman in my life. I mean I'm a nice guy, we don't do that. Right?

Yeah – I can be pretty blind at times. . .

For those of you who have read this far, just a few more thoughts.

I never had any particular curiosity or interest in spanking during childhood. I was spanked (fully-clothed) by both Dad and Mom until about age 12, and didn't like it at all – it seemed like a futile and insulting method of punishment – as if I couldn't understand anything else. Plus, I have a naturally high tolerance for pain, and they were not brutal, so it really wasn't very effective.

At that age, I made a decision not to cry or show pain the next time I was spanked in hopes that my parents would abandon this mode of punishment. When the yardstick broke, and I still wasn't crying, they got the message. We discussed how I felt that spanking was pointless for me, and undignified. They understood, and quit spanking me. Of course, they then came up with other punishments, like extra chores, that I really disliked. :-)

My natural instinct on seeing a crying woman is to put my arms around her and comfort her. The idea of bringing someone I love to tears through physical punishment is difficult to envision – and I've been role- playing it in my head, believe me.

On the other hand, the thought that someone needs this and trusts me enough to want me do this is very appealing, as is the physical and emotional intimacy that many have described here. And there's no denying that some level of submissiveness in a partner pushes the right buttons for me – not just erotically, but as a counterpoint and reinforcement of something deep within me.

I know this from my marriage, where my wife was very submissive in some ways, and her submissiveness resonated strongly with me (though I didn't fully understand it at the time, and never thought about it in terms of dominance and submission).

I also foresee some emotional confusion with the undeniable erotic element of having a bare-bottomed woman over my knee – I think I would not be able to or want to suppress that reaction when giving a disciplinary spanking. That somehow seems to mix the two in a way that might not be the most effective, though it might turn out not to matter at all.

But I think I could learn fairly quickly to give a disciplinary spanking. I have a strong drive to take care of someone, and if that's what she wants and needs, then we'll work it out.

What I find especially attractive is what I've read here and elsewhere about spanking serving as a means of strengthening the emotional connection between husband and wife. I also see discipline as a means of enhancing and maintaining the erotic context of the relationship, and that's important to me as well.

I now suspect that I will probably have better odds of making a good marriage with someone who wants to be taken in hand, and that I would find such a relationship rewarding and stimulating. It seems very strange to be using words like “dominance,” “spanking,” and “discipline.” But as happened to the rest of you, I have come to the realization – late in my case – that those words have meaning in my life.

Consent must be the key thing – otherwise it's just not possible – I would have to be convinced of authentic consent and desire to surrender based on love and trust. The knowledge that she truly trusted me, wanted me, needed me to care for her in this fashion would have to be something I believe as much as I've ever believed anything.

This would have to be supported by a real understanding of my partner and her needs – and for me, that can be gained only through lots of no- holds-barred communication and intimate discussion. I'd need to know that it was ultimately good for her.

I know there are people who can spank a stranger, but I am not wired that way. I'm not a hero from a Harlequin novel who can just look at the heroine and ‘know’ that she needs mastered, and intuitively ‘know’ the right way to do it. (I've seen posts by men who just put a woman OTK, and got it right the first time. Maybe that's possible if one is an experienced spanker, or if you know the woman intimately, but I wonder. Well, John Wayne did it.)

There would also need to be a discussion of the mechanics of the spanking – how hard, how long, position, and so on. I mean, people have different levels of sensitivity. Some bruise easily, some have higher pain thresholds than others, etc. I don't think it should be just left up to a spanker to try to figure this out on his own, and I wouldn't think most women would want to be experimented upon.

So I would want to have lived with her, made lots of love to her, and started to gain that instinctive feel for the physical and emotional responses of your partner that comes with intimate daily contact. And perhaps some erotic spanking to start getting a feel for my partner's responses and spank anatomy. :-)

OK, so what do you do with a woman who says she wants to be spanked in a disciplinary fashion, but is going to fight it when it actually happens, and yet really wants you to overpower her? Or the woman who wants to be spanked, but will try to fool you into stopping too soon or spanking too lightly because, damn, it's really painful. Even though she really wants you to continue or spank harder, and she knows she'll be disappointed afterwards if you don't. But, owww, stop, that hurts too much!

That's where a communication system seems essential for the first- time spanker or spankee. She would need to be able to immediately, and unmistakably signal if things were going wrong or, perhaps the better phrase would be not going right. Something that says, “Don't stop, but that's just too hard.” Or, “Ignore this crying and kicking, I've not yet been spanked enough.” Maybe the green, yellow, red system I've read about?

Last, I'd need to have really honest feedback after the spanking. Just in case another one is needed immediately . . .

One comparison that comes to mind is a lover who occasionally wanted some pretty rough sex – hair pulling, some solid smacks on the bottom, hands held down, and a little more forceful biting than I was initially prepared to do. It took some practice, but we got it right fairly quickly. It's not quite the same thing, but I had to overcome some strong inhibitions.

If you're a single women over 45, and would like to contact me privately, please do so. If you're younger, I'll be genuinely pleased to discuss these issues with you, but I'm looking for someone close to my own age.

James (my nom de plume)

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Have you seen the following articles?
Using the internet to find a partner
It's like this, my beloved: I need to be taken in hand
Help! The changes show! What should I tell people?!
Finding the right man
Why men start and why they stop
Ask for what you want
Letter to a potential partner
In praise of Fascinating Womanhood
How to break it to a new man
Where are all the strong men?