Hi Melanie!

Thank you for sharing that with us, it was wonderful... I am glad you found inspiration in the way J and I organise our lives, and I hope yours goes as well as our has! It is a big step, and in some ways a risk, but if it pays off, the rewards make it well worthwhile.

best wishes,

Random

Hey Melanie!

Good luck, sounds like you've been doing a lot of soul-searching. That's great! I turned the finances completely over to Dan years ago, and...I hate to admit this, but I still struggle with keeping my mouth shut sometimes! LOL! Yes I still do.

Last night he paid bills. When he's done, we always go over it together, and he shows me what he paid and how much went here, etc., etc..and I couldn't keep myself from criticizing some decisions he'd made. I mean, I didn't just make a suggestion about something I thought should happen: that's always okay, of course. We are a *couple*.

No, I said he'd made an incorrect decision and I took issue with it. He couldn't believe I did that; he just stared at me. Then we had a very long serious talk that wasn't much fun.

I'm not saying this to scare you, but to let you know that even with the best of intentions, and a LOT of lip-biting, I still can't help but try and control things at times.

Please let us know how it goes and feel free to email me should you need some support:
ambercastawayyahoo.com

I don't think I get all this stuff about letting go of the finances and putting him in charge. If the husband's been fiscally responsible up to now, then I don't see any risk taken in letting him deal with the finances. But if he hasn't been, why would letting him take full control of them magically improve his abilities?

I'd rather get a spanking for my "bitching and moaning" than wind up on welfare if the guy screws up.

For the record: my attitude isn't the least bit surrendered but my life is... a lot more than some here. Hubby deals with all the financial stuff. I don't tell him how to pay the bills, how to invest the money, what to save, etc. I do tell him what I want to spend money on and if he says there's enough money around, fine.

If not, I don't buy it. I can subtract, too, and negative numbers in the bank account don't benefit anybody.

I have to write every single little purchase on a sheet we have posted on the refrigerator. Do you? I bet not! He's got things so well counted out, he often can tell me to the penny how much money I have in my wallet. Anyone else here as "surrendered" as that? Raise your hand.

But, when he got a little too heavily into trading on the margin and realized he had borrowed over $100,000 that he was gambling on (call the stock market what you want, a hoss race is a hoss race),

he got scared and asked ME what I thought he should do. I sent him to a friend who has a masters in finance, we listened to his input and then I said, in no uncertain terms, get out, sell everything, before you lose more.

And he listened. So what is wrong with that? You bet, if he makes a poor decision, I will bitch till the cows come home. Until then, he can take care of the finances all he wants. I just don't understand why anyone would put making hubby feel important and dominant ahead of the family's financial security.

Melanie says, 'I am not sure what it is about men ... but it seems that their desire to protect and provide is wrapped up in a sense of ownership and control and pride. The more he feels this is HIS family and HIS home, the more responsible he feels and the more he wants to do for us. This may be politically incorrect, but I think it just the nature of the beast, at least many of the beasts!

I am glad that you and your husband find it fulfilling; I find it neither mysterious nor surprising that some western men link their identity and status to his ability to provide, and to the things (including woman) he owns. I suspect western men have been tying their identity to their mode of production since the end of 18th century, at the great development of capitalism. Coincidentally, birth control and "sexual repression" [sic] also begins at this time. (Reich)

I don't think men are born to inherently tie their self-worth to what they own; I see it as a manifestation of patriarchal society in which the general expectation is to link masculinity to power and femininity to lack of. That is to say, you are somehow "not masculine" even though you ARE INDEED a man, if you do not produce, provide, and own; and you are somehow "not feminine" even if you ARE a woman, if you are forceful, productive, successful, and hold great financial power.

I do find it arbitrary to define masculinity not as what men are, but how the ideal man should produce in a capitalist society. But hey, I am not immune to this cultural expectation either, I even identify myself as submissive - I just don't happen to think this is "how human naturally are."

Just a note: I personally do not believe in "sexual repression," thats Reich's words, but that's irrelevant to Melanie's comments.

-sudolly
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the belief in truth is precisely madness - Nietzsche

You know, there have been times when I have thought that my husband was a bit of a Male Chaunvinist Pig, but when I read comments like yours I realise that he isn't even in the running for that title.

I'm a woman and when I read what he wrote I thought it very sexy not MCP. I guess it depends how you read something. I'd give a lot for a man like that. To each his own, right?

I'm with Louise and Maddy on this one! I would be out of there so fast, all he would see would be a blur down the driveway. However, if another woman finds his attitude erotic and just what she's always wanted, then I would be happy they found each other. Some people think I'm crazy, too.

Melanie

Gosh, the way you put it it sounds very nice, but I couldn't keep at it for ten hours, not even including foreplay or discussing deepest feelings (not something either of us goes in for much)Honestly, I don't think I could ANYTHING for ten hours at a stretch, I haven't got that sort of attention span, except maybe reading a book.

An hour, hour and a half maybe would be the average for us I should think. Then my husband usually wants to go and make a cup of tea, and sometimes something to eat as well, cheese on toast or bacon sandwiches or something, he always makes enough for both of us because he knows perfectly well that even if I say I don't want anything, I usually change my mind when I actually see the food(he makes wonderful cheese on toast). then we both read. some nights, if I'm really exhausted, I'm asleep by about 10pm, which usually means I'm awake again at about 3 or 4 am, he usually sleeps from about 11-12 through to 8 or 9 am. Neither of us has the stamina for a ten-hour stint I'm afraid.

On the subject of prolonged lovemaking, I've just been re-reading Jeffrey Bernard's 'Low Life' books, and in one of them he relates how a friend of his told him she was spending the night with some man, and after they'd been having sex for about an hour and a half and he was still banging away, she got bored and turned the bedside light on and started reading 'Middlemarch', and I could understand that. Sex is very nice and all that, but ten hours?

Melanie wrote:

"She is afraid this will sound like a lot of burden and responsibility to him. But no. He starts talking about the details as if it’s a done deal. As if he’s wanted this burden and responsibility all his life. In spite of his important work, he’s always felt an emptiness at home. Like it wasn’t really his house. Like his wife didn’t really need him. Like his authority wasn’t real because his wife made all the financial decisions. Right before her astonished eyes, he grows about ten inches. He tells her that as of today, he’s in charge, and if she bitches and moans about his decisions she’ll be soundly spanked.

Perhaps, as he’s just grown 10 inches, he might just be able to handle it all."

I read this post and a light went on in my head. This is MY situation you're describing. I thought he wouldn't take charge so I continued on my merry way being in charge of everything. I never trusted him to take charge so I never stopped being in charge. Ding!!!!