An expression of his authority

I have a problem with my temper. I can usually keep it in check. But there have been times, in previous relationships, where I've lost control and said hateful things I didn't mean (and later couldn't take back). I've got a much better rein on my temper than I once had – but sadly, it has cost me several relationships. :-(

In the past, partners of mine have reacted in one of three ways when I've lost my temper/yelled at them:

1. By yelling back (thereby adding to the discord and potentially saying things they didn't mean and later wished they could take back.

2. By walking away and refusing to argue.

3. By apologizing (even if they had nothing to apologize for).

For many women, the course of action that would bring about the quickest end to the argument would be for the man to either apologize or walk away. Not so with me. Shouting back at me would likely only prompt me to shout louder. Walking away or apologizing might seem like the most sensible thing to do, given the circumstances. But I, for whatever reason, would perceive it as weakness on the part of the man. In truth, the man might be displaying a – tremendous – amount of control by walking away from the situation. But I wouldn't see it that way – at least, not at that time. I'd almost certainly continue to argue if I could. If not, I'd likely resurrect the argument at a later time, as I'd see it as being unresolved.

Worse yet would be apologizing, especially if the man hadn't done anything that warrants it. The animal in me would interpret it as backing down – and in response, I'd find myself going for the jugular; attacking even more viciously than before.

(I'm really embarrassed to admit to having acted like this in the past. I've just read through what I've written so far and it sounds horrible. Please understand that this is a rare example of me at my very worst – the part of me I do my utmost to control.)

Now, what if my partner, instead of reacting in one of the above three ways, had employed option four – asserting his authority/maleness/dominance over me? (To be fair, I hadn't ceded authority to these previous partners I mentioned, so they may not have thought it a viable option.)

What if my partner, instead of walking away, had (by picking me up and physically moving me, if necessary) put me in a room by myself to cool down? I wouldn't have viewed that as a display of weakness. He would have stood his ground, instead removing me from the equation.

Granted, keeping me isolated in a room when I have a mind to continue the argument would be a challenge. There, I suppose, the man would have to either lock me in until I could respond reasonably or threaten to further assert his authority. It probably wouldn't take much for me to back down – maybe just a verbal warning. Something to the effect of “I'm not interested in arguing. If you insist on continuing this, I will put an end to it in a way that you won't find pleasant.” If said calmly and reasonably (perhaps even if said in anger) it would likely take all the wind out of my sails. He'd have ‘bared his teeth’ at me, and I, being the smaller and weaker animal, would have (sensibly) backed down.

I would have to believe that he would make good on his threat in order for it to work. But work it certainly would! If, god forbid, I still had sufficient fight left in me to continue the argument, he'd have to be willing and able to overpower me and force me to comply. (But heaven help the man who couldn't, as I'm only 4'10"!)

In this case, while spanking me could be seen as punishment for arguing, I'd see it more as an assertion of his authority. A might-and-inherent-maleness-makes-right type of thing. A ‘gentle nip’ to remind me that I've overstepped my bounds. (Not only his, but my own self-imposed boundaries.)

In taking control of the situation he would essentially (if not directly) be saying: “I care about our relationship too much to allow you to jeopardize it.” He'd be demonstrating his willingness to cause me minor discomfort, if necessary, to circumvent the truly bad stuff – the fighting, name-calling and resulting hurt feelings, which could lead to eventual deterioration of the relationship. Wow! To me, that's heady stuff. It doesn't get much more romantic than that. :-)

Cori

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Have you seen the following articles?
Give me intensity or give me death!
How is this different from other male-led relationships?
The dynamics of our Taken In Hand relationship
How we have stayed happily married for over 30 years
What women need to know about men
The Night Porter: movie review
Empowering dominance
He isn't interested in or capable of taking you in hand?
Surrendered in love
William Godwin: Familiarity breeds contempt

2007 Jan 22 - 11:16 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Mirror

Cori, interesting piece. Had to laugh a little bit, because I could see me in a mirror, reading your story. Yes it would have been the best solution not to go away, not to “step down" also for me some times in my relationships.

But if a man has not her consent to punish his partner, he can see really fast the police stepping in and be sued because of domestic violence. One woman once yelled at me, when I was in the way to put her over my knee, to stop her yelling and shouting, "if you do that, I call the police."

Fine. The relationship was over.

Today I think, I should have spanked her, because I have heard from a friend of mine that she has been very disappointed.

But...., I'm not playing hazard with my freedom. So also our tigresses should know, what (not) to do.

by Erwin on 2007 Jan 22 - 15:34 | reply to this comment

Thanks, Erwin!This matter

Thanks, Erwin!

This matter has frequently come up in conversations I've had with the handful of people I've "come out" to over the years. Short of obtaining verbal (maybe even written?) consent, the man has no way (that I know of) of protecting himself against a woman's accusations. I wish it wasn't the case. It certainly complicates matters, and makes the chances of one getting a spontaneously-administered spanking practically nil. (It's actually happened to me once - but that's a story for another day!)

I would never call the police on anyone unless I believed that they intended to do me serious harm - but I know I don't speak for all women.

This very issue came up, in fact, the last time I was "threatened" with a spanking. Although the fellow ultimately didn't follow through with his "threat", I was put on the spot in terms of giving consent. I hope I handled it correctly - please let me know what you think. I'd appreciate your input!

This fellow and I - we're both members of a nationwide improvisational theater group. Although he lives in another state, we meet and interact at national conventions once or twice a year. I consider him a friend. As with nearly all of my friends, he does not know that I have any interest in being "taken in hand".

Recently, in a group-related chat room, he "virtually" put me over his knee when I admitted to having done something he considered "dangerous" at a previous convention. He went on to say that he intended to (literally) spank me for it at an upcoming convention we'd both be attending. Many of our mutual friends were in the chat room with us at the time. Reluctant (as always) to admit any desire to be "taken in hand", I tried to play if off casually. I made some comment about "putting up a fight". He said he wouldn't let that stop him, but that if I told him "no", he'd be honor-bound to stop. I responded with something along the lines of, "Well, hey, if you can catch me, more power to you!"

Nothing came of the threat, but it forced me to think about what I'd do if he actually did follow through with it. For a time, I was absolutely convinced that he was going to attempt to spank me, and I was petrified. I wasn't at all afraid that he'd actually hurt me. My biggest worry was that he'd do it in front of a bunch of people. Since it's a improvisational theater group, any affiliated onlookers would probably have thought it was staged (and would probably have found it quite amusing!) but I feared they'd somehow be able to tell that it was something I'd often thought about.

Had he attempted to spank me, I wouldn't have cooperated, exactly, but neither would I have called the cops. (It's actually more likely that I'd have panicked and said "no".) As luck would have it, I only saw him once, in passing, at the convention. No mention was made of the promised spanking as we really only had time to say a quick "hello".

Actually, to be fair, luck had very little to do with it. I consciously avoided him, because I was afraid of what might happen. I want it, but I don't. A weird catch-22. As much as I sometimes crave it, I can't "set myself up" that way.

So to sum it up (and to make a long story even longer!) I would never, could never, call the police on someone that I perceived had my best interest at heart (or that was just being playful with me). Our friends wouldn't have called the cops, as they know me to be a "good sport", and would have believed it to be in fun (or staged for "entertainment"). I can see, however, how it might have appeared to strangers, and I don't blame you or anyone else for not wanting to "play hazard with your freedom". I wouldn't want to take a chance like that, either.

I wish there was an easy way to give consent without making a big deal of it, or making it sound like a business proposition. It takes so much of the spontaneity out of it. But sadly, I suspect it's a matter that will always have to be carefully negotiated.

by Cori on 2007 Jan 24 - 10:25 | reply to this comment

Calling the police

No, I think you did the right thing.

In DV cases in many states in the US, the male goes to jail, end of story. Doesn't matter who is at fault, who is getting whupped, whatever. By statute, if the police are called, the male is detained.

If someone (perhaps not even the woman involved) decides to prosecute as sexual violence, you go on the books for life as a sex offender. You may end up having to wear a GPS position monitor, possibly for the rest of your life.

You definitely did the right thing, and men are right to be very wary of being involved in a physical Taken In Hand relationship. The rewards are high, but so are the risks.

by David Clare on 2007 Jan 26 - 08:07 | reply to this comment

calling the police

I have known women that were taken to jail for DV instead of their husbands in the state of Washington.If a woman hits a man first and leaves bruises on his body,that woman will most certainly go to jail!In DV cases now, it isnt an automatic assumption that the male hit the woman first.Both people are checked for marks and both people are required to make honest statements to the police officers and courts of law.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2007 Jan 28 - 08:57 | reply to this comment

Do you want a relationship with him?

Sorry Cori have seen your answer first time now, was away a little bit. So as I understand the situation, you do not trust that guy enough, to be sensible for your fear your privacy get broken.
And I can understand that you were petrified.
For me spanking belongs behind closed doors. Only between partners who share intimacy.
I wouldn't show others a woman in a humiliating situation. And I wish for the good of the women, that other man see it the same way, but I can't speak for others.
But now to you. Ask you an easy question. Do you wish to be in a Taken In Hand relationship with that man? Is he a decent man not to talk to others about his conquest? If you do not know for sure, don't play with him, even not in a chatroom.

But if you want him, ask him. "I thought you would spank me? Or are you one of the normal men, who don't stand to their word?" And you could give him a hint that You would obey him behind closed doors. That could make it easier for him, too. Because to say it and to do it against all education are different pairs of shoes. His fear about the situation may be as large as yours.
But I don't know if this will work for this guy, at least me it would provoke to guess that you wouldn't resist being spanked when we where in private.

I wish you luck
Erwin

by Erwin on 2007 Jul 10 - 13:33 | reply to this comment

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