About Schmidt: choose engagement, not withdrawal

The recent discussion of the film, Secretary, for some strange reason reminded me of another, albeit very different film, About Schmidt. In it, Jack Nicholson portrays the recently retired Warren Schmidt who is left with nothing but time on his hands. The film's opening scenes show him suffering through a meaningless retirement dinner. His relationship with his wife Helen is nothing more than one of duty and obligation.

Upon his retirement he and his wife decide to go on a trip in a Winnebago. For Warren this is not a journey of self-discovery because after 40 years of an empty marriage and meaningless work there is no one to find. It is not even a matter of curiosity about what is around the next bend. His only reason for going on this trip is because there is nothing else to do. When his wife suddenly dies Warren is astonished and bereft, not at his loss, but that he had so little to lose.

It was Thoreau who famously observed, “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Schmidt is such a man. Most of the movie follows Warren through a series of misadventures as he rather weakly tries to build a relationship with his soon-to-be-married daughter. At this point in her life she is unwilling even to try to fix their damaged relationship. She has given up on their relationship because she has come to expect from him nothing more than disappointment.

Even more pathetically, he ‘adopts’ a six-year-old African child through a world children's charity organization. In his letters to this child, who probably can't read them or understand the angst of a middle class American, he spills out his fears and discontent. What is so pitiful is that this non-relationship must substitute for a real one.

Even though this film is meant to be a comedy, About Schmidt is essentially a portrait of a man without qualities, baffled by the emotions and needs of others. Although there are some funny moments, the film is at heart tragic.

So what does this have to do with Taken In Hand? I have come to understand that, not unlike the characters in Secretary, many of us are striving to live a life with intent. Perhaps we have been wounded by the vagaries of life too. What we hope to discover about ourselves and within our relationships may in some ways be unconventional. Of course, one could rightfully ask what is conventional – a life like Schmidt's? Whatever we call our relationship style, it is about engaging our partner in a relationship that is alive and that matters. It is about finding within our selves a depth that has gone untapped.

As we have grown older, my wife and I have come to discover and appreciate our true selves. She revels in my masculine nature and I revel in her feminine nature. Our relative inequality – my being dominant and her being submissive – allows us to experience a passion and romance unlike any I have ever experienced. As we have explored this side of ourselves we have come to what feels like to us a very natural way of being together.

The one thing that struck me about this movie was that Schmidt could very well be me. It is oh so easy to withdraw from the relationship. I did that very thing in my first failed marriage. I intend to not make the same mistake again. I believe marriage is our most important relationship. If it is not good, then everything else suffers – our work, our family, and our outlook on life. I believe that men must take the lead and commit themselves to their marriages. It is amazing to discover how a woman will respond if the man takes the lead and remains actively involved in the relationship. I have discovered the truth of this for myself.

In his allegorical novel The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis argues that people make their own hell. It is not what God has done to you, but what you have chosen for yourself. The novel depicts hell as something we create by separating ourselves from relationship and community. We choose withdrawal instead of engagement. Schmidt's empty life, devoid of real relationships, is a living hell of his own making.

Stephen

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance
Who needs forbidden fruit when you have this?!
When rape is a gift
Each relationship is a unique work in progress
How I became submissive
The resistant woman
Offering an olive branch
What people do for love
Never do without sex again
Could this kind of relationship be for you?

2004 Feb 5 - 11:17 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

About Schmidt and about marriage

I found Stephen's analysis of this film to be so 'spot on' but, to me, much more importantly,is his emphasis on the need not to withdraw from a relationship, IF it is safe to do so.. my emphasis because of abusive relationships, but to immerse ourselves in 'our most important relationship'.

I have written elsewhere on this site of my delicious love, clotos,and how each day gets better and better.

I have not written about those unhappy souls who, perhaps if they had gone another mile with that person they once, presumably, loved, would not now be sad lonely people, still searching.

So this is a plea! Marriage and relationships are hard work and we must all be prepared to put the hard work in (with the caveat re. abuse)if we want the immeasurable pleasure that is there awaiting us all.

by ben nathan on 2004 Feb 5 - 14:42 | reply to this comment

The film

What is so nice about the film is that we feel superior to the poor slob who gave his life to his mediocre career and the, his wife dead, his life is empty of meaning...but before dismissing him so readily as a loser, ask what the hell you think about your life? Filled with great meaning and whatnot? nah. In the end we all die. Be gentle. You are no worse and no better. Just are.

Freddie

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Feb 25 - 21:24 | reply to this comment

Freddie

I apologise for not responding to your message earlier. You do make a good point. My post was not intended to ridicule Schmidt or dimiss him as a loser, but to humbly (as I can) recognize I, as we all do, have a choice to make about whether we will engage those in our lives or retreat. It is a choice we all face. There are those among us who are beaten down by the forces in their lives that they may have no control over. Nevertheless, I don't think it enough to say, well we all die in the end so whats the point? I believe our marriages are our most primary relationship. It is a chance for us to build something meaningful. Choosing to live in a Taken In Hand relationship is one way of living life with intention. So when you claim that we are no worse or no better, I respond by saying carpe diem. It's the only choice we have.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Apr 8 - 19:40 | reply to this comment

Bad movie, good article

About Schmidt has got to be one of the most depressing, boring movies I've ever seen. Your article, however, is first rate.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Jun 22 - 03:09 | reply to this comment

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