Do you tell him that you've disobeyed him?
My husband and I are new to the Taken in Hand approach. I have recently come to realize how much control I've taken from him in the ten years we've been married. What I didn't realize at the time was how much this was hurting our relationship. It was when I found this site that I realized that I wanted and needed him to be the true head of the household, not only in word but in deed. We have spoken about changes he would like to see in my behavior, which are things I want to change and understand that I need help to change.
What I'm curious about is how disobedience is handled in other Taken In Hand relationships. Gentlemen, do you expect your wife to tell you if she has disobeyed you? Ladies, do you tell your husband if you have disobeyed him?
I have not disobeyed purposefully. I just have an enormous workload, balancing a full time job, college, and our family's activities. In light of all this, I have become fairly forgetful as to many things. He desires that I have a quiet time every day, consisting of prayer and Bible study, which I intend to do daily, as it is important to me as well as to him. As I said, I have become quite busy and have overlooked this part of our agreement. And I am torn as to telling him the truth or not. Any suggestions??
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#1 Different couples apply different rules
Different couples apply different rules in terms of disobedience.
I'll say this, though. I think honesty is key. If you two want to change things in your relationship, then the first step is a solid foundation in honesty. Which means, I would tell him and then explain my reasons for not doing as told. Not so much to use said reasons as excuses, but to simply explain the "why" of it. In anything, I always think that honesty is the best choice. It can only build trust, and help you to move forward in the direction you want to go.
Of course ... I also have a tendency to purposefully disobey, and then immediately be honest about it just so I can get that spanking. But, uh, that's a whole other thing and may not apply to your relationship. ;)
#2 Always tell the truth
Do tell him the truth otherwise what's the point? Of course he needs to be understanding. Perhaps he can do an extra 30 minutes a day of child care (if there are children) or housework so you can have the time to prayer but you need to put the dilemma and problem in his hands so he can solve it as he thinks is best. I have always told the truth even if I haven't managed to do something. When I've gone out with someone and been tempted not to that's usually because that person hasn't made me feel submissive and it's not working.
I'm glad you have found something that works for you.
#3 Disobedience
My main area of disobedience is not bothering much with the housework or stopping the children doing things he disapproves of when he is away. When he's home, as he is most of the time, I find it fairly easy for the sake of domestic harmony to keep up with the housework and stopping the children from running amuck, but however good my intentions, as soon as he is gone, I relax and don't bother much. It's a case of 'when the cat's away the mice will play'. When he rings me up, if he asks me directly if I've beend doing what I'm supposed to, I invariably answer "Of course I have, dear" in an innocent tone of voice which doesn't fool him for a moment. "You're a very, very naughty girl" he says to me sternly, which of course is true, but I'm afraid doesn't make any difference.
In your case though, it sounds as if you are fully stretched already, you clearly don't suffer from my problem of chronic bone-idleness. You are obviously doing too much rather than too little. If your husband wants you to have a quiet time for prayer and study every day, what practical steps is he doing to help you achieve that? Is he taking on some of the domestic responsibilities for instance? Maybe you should ask him when exactly he expects you to fit in the time of quiet prayer and study he wants you to do?
Louise
#4 I would, if I were you
To me, this doesn't sound like disobedience at all. It's not as if you were spending hours on the phone or in front of the T.V. instead of complying with his wishes. And I can't imagine he'll be disappointed or punish you if you tell him the truth. Which I would definitely advise you to do. Perhaps you both can find a way to reduce your workload? Or pray and study together? Or he could phone you in the course of the day and remind you of taking some time off?
To answer your question in more general terms: my husband has repeatedly asked me to tell him when I feel I've done something wrong or simply feel like I need a spanking. So far I haven't. I think it takes a lot of submission to do this and I haven't yet reached that point.
#5 Taken In Hand relationsip is my choice
Taken In Hand relationsip is my choice, I love the idea and find it heavenly arrangement to settle in peace. We are for 20 years married and only for couple of years improving it in a satisfactory way. I value it very much and everyting which would threaten this happiness I try to avoid.
The new values is connectedness, trust and undestanding. When I disobeyed I felt disconnected. If I disobey it makes him unhappy which I dislike and consequently myself. I obey to make him happy. I obey to feel cared for.
There is someting that I didn't tell him and I feel it as a trouble. The question is not if to tell or not, the question is how to explain. That this was not about me breaking the bond but me being poor. Now as I am writing this, I realize some way to tell, thank you.
I think the question might not be whether to tell, but how to explain. Not to justify, to explain.
Hali
#6 Always tell when you have mad
Always tell when you have made a mistake...it's the best way to make sure it doesn't happen again.
#7 For your own good... and his!
You need to tell him the truth. But the reason you need to do this is to make him see that you can’t possibly obey without his help. You don’t have time to obey… that sounds a little weird doesn’t it, but that was my first impression reading your post.
It sounds to me like you actually want to obey and have that time of prayer – for your own good too – but you just can’t find the time in your busy schedule during the day.
Sit down with your husband, and tell him that you really want to obey him in this. That you understand he wants this for you because he cares about your “spiritual health” (or what ever), but tell him honestly that you have a very hard time fitting it in to your busy day. Tell him you need to be given that time. That he must take the burden of your shoulders by helping you in some other areas, or simply lower his standards and expectations (or help you lower yours maybe). It doesn’t matter how you say it, just tell the truth. Not only for your sake, but for his as well. How can he be there for you, how can he understand you and help you if he doesn’t know? Many of us would like our men to just “know” all the time. But the truth is, they don’t. They are not omnipotent. They are not God almighty. We need to support and respect what they are trying to do, and we can do this by telling them our needs and problems instead of expecting them to just guess it.
If you don’t tell him, you could end up feeling hurt that he put this impossible task on you.
If you don’t tell him, and he finds out by himself, he will be hurt that you didn’t obey.
If you do tell him, and tell him the reason for your disobedience, you will help him understand more of you, making it a little easier for him to help and guide you in the future too.
Tell him that you really want to obey what he told you to do, and then tell him you need his help to do it.
Maybe this is not the right approach for you in your situation. But I think my husband would find this way of dealing with an impossible command both respectful and helpful.
Hugs and best wishes - Cody
#8 Disobedience and honesty
I firmly believe that for a relationship of any kind to work you must always be honest. It doesn't appear as if you're disobeying him on purpose, but still the same you are doing so. I would suggest talking things over and explaining to him how your time schedule is going, ask for suggestions from him and apologize for not doing what was asked of you. Communication is such a key component. I always tell the bossman when I have disobeyed him. Most often it's not because I did it on purpose either, time just got away or my memory failed me. But it is still his right to know and it's what keeps our relationship as it is. Goodluck and best of wishes.
#9 Thanks everyone!!
Just wanted to thank everyone for their input. I did tell him, if for no other reason than I felt guilty with him not knowing. He is a wonderful husband, who already takes on quite a bit of the household work and the needs of our 2 children. His main focus lately is for me to finish my schooling and to do what he must to keep the house running while we accomplish this.
He was very understanding and even apologized for not asking how I was doing in that area. He suggested that I perhaps get up a little bit earlier to have this time in the morning, instead of the late hours after I've arrived home from school or from doing homework. I'm not so crazy about that idea, as I LOVE every little minute of sleep I can get. However, if that is what it takes, I am willing to follow his suggestion. We also decided it might be best if I marked on our calendar daily a small "X" by the day for two reasons: one, to have a physical reminder that I see to help me stay focused, and two, for him to easily see if I have gotten up early to have my quiet time (he arrives home before I do). I don't want him to feel that he is babysitting me in terms of my spiritual health, but I do realize I need his help in this area.
Anyway, I do appreciate everyone's input. I do value honesty between us. I have been told that there are sins of commission and sins of ommission. I easily fall into the ommission part many times. But after our talk, he wants me to tell him when I feel that I've not followed what he desires and allow him to deal with it as he sees fit. What more could I ask for?
#10 I used to be busy like you
In bit remote past I used to be busy like you, housework + chidlcare + job + studium, I was tired and unhappy. There was not understanding between me and my husband.
Now in more happy years I see that not having time for myself held back my care for our relationship. I think not caring of self switches off the intimate connection with the spouse.
(Not like in your case my husband then didn't see my overwork, he was the one who made me to involve in all the activities. I simply did not tell him how tired and unhappy I was, I expected him to see it. We needed to come near to hell to rebuild new bond and start different way.)
Hali
#11 Telling him you've been naughty
As the HOH or D/d relationship develops and matures there should come a point where your own conscience and guilt drive you to tell him. People only change when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.
When your tummy begins to hurt too much, and the guilt becomes overwhelming you will find the power to change the way you interact and the strength to let him know you misbehaved.
In our relationship Cindy hasn't managed to say, "I've been naughty." or "I need to be punished." But I know both of those are implied when she says, "I need to tell you something." She's learned it's the only way the bad feelings inside her can be cleansed away.
In our November archives of our blog there's a post, "Who Initiates" which might add further insight.
Here's hoping for the best as you move forward!
Dave
#12 Dave......
Where can i find this blog? I would like very much to read that.
Dazy
#13 That depends.. if its a big t
That depends.. if its a big thing and rarely happens, I tell him right away. Of course, he loses it, and I get punished. But if it's just a little misdemeanor, I didn't really mean it, and it almost never happens, I refrain from telling him and quietly punish myself.