Since my husband and I have entered into a Taken in Hand relationship, all of the wonderful things like increased connection, caring and passion have been the result.

Normally I am happy to do as I am instructed, but like Blush, I have the most trouble doing the things he tells me I should do that are for my health and well-being. I have a great many responsibilities and I always meet the needs of others and do the work I need to do, but my great failing is that I do not always take care of myself as well as I should. In the past, chronic lack of sleep, too little leisure time, lack of regular cardiovascular exercise, and sometimes bad habits have left me drained, even ill. Now my husband tells me when I must go to bed or insists I make time for the things I love to do for myself (like play the piano). Mostly, I do as he tells me. But sometimes I choose not to either because I think I haven't the time, or I just don't have the self-discipline.

When this happens, and I am honest with him about it, he will most often try to help me, rather than punish me. But other times, when he is really upset that I am behaving too badly for my own good, he does spank me.

Although I like that he is caring, protective and authoritative, I really don't like the spankings! So, I find myself not being honest sometimes because I don't want to be punished. I know I shouldn't, but I sometimes lie by omission. I have asked him to ask me outright if I am doing all as I should, but usually he doesn't, and so he doesn't always find out.

Has anyone else encountered this problem? I know there are many readers here who like and even seek out spankings, so maybe it is hard to understand. But for me, I am deeply shamed by it and do not get anything out of the pain it causes. This is the point, you may say; but, rather than to submit to it, I hide from it. All the while, I am completely content with and desirous of the less physical aspects of this kind of relationship dynamic.

So, if anyone has been where I am and has some good advice for me, I am happy to hear what you have to say.

I'm pretty much of the mindset that if he doesn't notice or ask, it's probably not important enough to mention. If he doesn't care, why should I?

Then again, I don't believe in lies by omission either. If you want to know something, you ask. If the response is untruthful, it's a lie. If there is no response, it certainly can't be a lie. If you don't ask the question, you probably don't want the information.

If I were to "confess" to something that I was or wasn't doing, it wouldn't feel like confession to me, it would feel like a cry for help and attention, which I think is fine if that's what is needed. Sometimes we all need help. Certainly we all need love and attention. I'm just getting pretty sick of asking for what I need everytime I need it. I guess at some point I was hoping he'd develop a certain amount of empathy. It seems like he's actually losing the empathy he once had, almost as if it's just easier on him if he doesn't know. The less he seems to care, the less I want him to care, so the less likely I am to ask him for help. If I always have to ask, I get the message that he doesn't care enough to help me on his own.

Who wants the help of someone who is only providing it out of some warped sense of obligation? You want someone to help you because they love you and know that you love them and would do anything you can to help them.

I apologize for the cynicism. When I feel sad and bitter, I get a bit cynical.

If you truly believe he loves you and wants to help you, be honest with him and get his help. Men can't always be expected to know what's going on in a woman's mind. If he cared enough to ask you to take the time out for yourself, I'm sure he cares enough to make it possible for you to do so.

To be honest I haven't always shared with my husband when I haven't obeyed something. Sometimes I have allowed it to slide because frankly I didn't want to deal with the aftermath at that particular moment. However I usually own up to it later. Sometimes he just knows. Sometimes I email it to him.

My life has changed once again to working full time and I enjoy it and my mother has moved in with us and she has been in the hospital plus one of our daughters is pregnant and she needs me too. Those are just a few things.

More health issues have crept up and my husband told me to stay home from church today to sleep, that my health is more important and I just need some down time. I appreciate that but the whole time I tried to sleep the more I stayed awake. When he came home I told him simply that I couldn't sleep. He wasn't mad just concerned for me.

My husband knows me well and he knows when I need rest many times he will come home and simply inform me that he is making dinner tonight and tells me to go rest. If I insist on making dinner for him as he has been working all day too he tells me to leave the kitchen. So normally I go.

I do like to obey him and being disobedient does not always mean a spanking (although sometimes it does)many times he just takes charge by taking over if that makes sense.

I appreciate how he takes care of me and how we actually take care of each other.

I have learned by design, that it's so much nicer in this world to present ideas and concepts as gently as possible. Perhaps it's my nature, or some kind of coping mechanism for me. There are plenty of others who can 'say like it is' and have no qualms of doing so. When asked my thoughts on a presentation of opinions, I tend to say 'there are ways to say something, and there are ways to say something'. For much of the time, my thoughts are not taken with as much seriousness as I've always wanted. Gary has told me because I 'sanitize' so much of what I want to really say. I am forever hopeful that the interested parties will simply 'get' what I'm saying. Once an insightful girlfriend told me I 'vaseline coat' my razor sharp remarks. On occasion when I say something with force, it's my truth, no matter how it may come across.

In my life I've seen abuse. That sounds much nicer than saying I was violently sodomized, routinely. Or I was gagged until near death, repeatedly. It's much nicer to say I was asphyxiated periodically.

I've learned a much nicer life since. I've been taught not to carry so much guilt with me. None of this was my fault, but that was a hard concept to let go of. For anyone else, therapy is good! I really don't blame myself the way I used to. But that has taken a lot of work on behalf of my husband and my trust in him that he is right. So I tend to take most of my old need to shoulder all that ails, and combine it into never wanting to disappoint Gary. That way he takes the blame for everything that goes wrong in my world. I wish I could sugar coat that particular feeling, but it's a strong one. Not that a softer description doesn't fit, it does! It's Gary's one goal to make sure I am never responsible for anything that goes wrong again. Which is why I have never disappointed him, even when perhaps there may have been potential.

-Blush

Every Taken In Hand relationship is different. For reasons designed to that couple, individual or purpose. It has to be. Each of us has unique needs or desires. Those different needs create an entire host of discussions because it's hard to see the history or reasons that go behind them. I am not a submissive woman. Do I have submissive thoughts and desires? Oh yes, but not to everyone, anyone or even generally. It's highly selective and only one man has noticed, nurtured and is given that submission. When he steps out of the room, I am no longer submissive. On the other hand, he does live in my head so it's easy to step into my feelings with or without the physical 'him'. We do many things to nurture my submission. The reasons are often fascinating, but don't apply to another woman because she has her own unique ways or needs. For me, I had been seriously trained to take all burdens and responsibilities. From early childhood, to early marriage and then in my role within my immediate family. If the day goes wrong, it's my fault for not being level enough to program in for error. If the weather is wrong, I should have been farsighted enough to predict. If a mood is sour, I must have created it. It became so intense for me, that I simply took responsibility for everything near me. The reason our local public school didn't meet fund-raising quota was because I didn't volunteer enough. The reason I don't ever serve myself food first is because I don't want to be responsible for someone else not having what wanted. It's nearly manic how far I'll go to protect myself from blame. But look into my history, and you'll see someone being blamed, berated, beaten and silenced for many things that were not my, or anyones fault. So it became clear to my husband that he needed to adjust our Taken In Hand lifestyle and dynamics to help me blossom from my self protective shell. He took all decision away from me. Therefore, I can't ever be wrong. I can make poor choices, but they aren't wrong. Even if they are, he will not assign blame. Not for my submissive needs or reasons, but simply to stop the pattern. But my self blame runs deep and the changes Gary makes are fragile, easily slippped back into in a nanosecond without vigilant watch and validating conversation. It's getting better with years, but it lives deep within.

My husband dotes on me. Insists I recognize my own feelings and if I can't, he will probe and either encourage or demand I care for myself. I have health issues. Due to prior abuse, I'm left with physical scars which require attention. I'd happily forge right through them and ramp up my pain and ignore it until it brought me to my knees. After all, my self worth was taught at a different level. Work Ethics and Energy Applied at any cost was my enforced role. So now rest and sleeping have become my new applied rule.

Equally in accepting love and kindness. Never could I put my physical needs first. Nor accept anything without thinking an immediate good turn. I had learned that a price was to be paid for any attention to myself. The price was so heavy, I didn't want that attention anymore! So Gary puts rules in place to force me otherwise. I must wait to be put in the car. I must wait to have my coat put on or off. I must wait to be tucked into bed each night. Is that for submission? In ways. But if you look at the history, it's for reasons to help me accept love. Submission was just a good byproduct...lol..

In our marriage I am never wrong. Simply because if left to my own brain patterns, I'd be wrong for every little thing that happens. Having that lifted from me, allows me to have a freedom otherwise. Once it's not my fault anymore, I can be there in a supportive way. Laugh it off, accept the reality but not bear the weight of the guilt. Gary does not do things lightly. He has watched, looked, probed and guided. He does things with purpose and reason. Each of us comes with our history and therefore reasons for doing what we do. I say before we can truly understand the whys or hows, take a deeper look.

I don't need deep pain to be submissive, some do. I don't bear anger or raised voices well. Others thrive. I don't need to be taken physically to feel submissive. Some do. I need to be forgiven so I don't feel bad (I can do that fine on my own), other don't. Which is why a Taken In Hand relationship is right for me, and right for you. But only right in your own hands.

-Blush