It is a pleasant surprise for me to read an article about the tango on this site. I have always thought about this dance as a form of articulation of the kind of male-female relationship I prefer. This has many layers.

Let us start with the way man and woman hold each other while dancing the tango: the two stand very close, one foot of the woman being practically captured between the feet of the man, torsos touching, paralel. The man raises his right elbow shoulder-high for the woman and puts his right hand on her upper back. Her left hand is put on the man`s back - not on his shoulder! If it were on the shoulder, the woman would still be able to resist, to protest, to bear at least some influence. Instead her hand rests on his upper back, but not holding him, not clutching, oh no! Her palm is 90 degrees with his back, thumb pointing downwards. Now she is really helpless: if she does not allow him to lead her with his body (not his hands!), letting her feel all his virility, she is lost and the whole dance will be a mess.

Eye contact is non-existent, man and woman standing slightly aside, the woman`s head being beside the man`s and not face to face. Now the woman MUST follow and follow blindly! Her only influence on the dance is her initial "Yes" or "No", namely her decision whether she would dance at all. Once she consented to the dance she has no influence whatsoever as to how that perticular dance will go. She must be careful in her choice of her tango partner because there is no way back once the dance has started. He must decide on the steps, ensuring that both are satisfied with the outcome, and that he does not make a laughing stock out of both in the eyes on the others watching them dance. He must combine this with his responsibility of leading her in a way that will not harm her - nobody would like to be injured on the dancefloor. This is even more difficult without eye contact, but possible and wonderful, a sign of ultimate trust on her side and the readiness to take responsbility on his.

The second aspect is the fact that the man does not lead with his hands - one hand holding the woman`s and the other embracing her torso -, but by moving his torso in a very decided, even harsh way against hers. This may look or even feel exaggerated, but the truth is that it is impossible to dance the tango without this. By moving his torso against hers he shows her what to do next: go forwards or backwards, turn left or right. Even so, it is not easy for her to follow, and it would be impossible if he used only his hands while leading. This way she is forced to feel his torso, and even his most intimate parts, be faced with the fact that/if he is aroused.

And now the last but for me almost the most important point: there is no tango without her ACTIVE consent. No woman can be dragged to tango, she must go with pleasure, very conscious of what she is doing.

Now let me elaborate on this. I have been part of the BDSM-scene for almost ten years of my life. The main reason why I do not describe myself as a "slave" or "submissive" any more is that I do not feel related to women who need to be tied up and forced to please their men. I do it because I like it, because it feels right for me. I do not need excuses of "rape" and "punishment" - I am strong and self-confident enough to s*** c*** without being forced to do so. I do it because I like it.

It is the same with the tango: I am not dragged to follow my man, on the contrary! I go out of my way to consciously learn the steps and the way to let loose, to let him lead. I take his directions what to do and I DO IT MYSELF, of my own drive! He induces a certain pattern of steps and I do not just PASSIVELY endure it but ACTIVELY do everything I can in order to please him, to fulfill his desire.

Yes, I love the tango, partly because it helps me show all who care that I am not a "slave" but a strong and free woman who has managed to capture a man worthy of such absolute trust, a trust which enables me to give him the most valuable thing I had to give away: my nonconsential consent.

We are getting dancing lessons, me and my husband, now for second year. It is charming, it is hot. It is gluing our together!

I used to be affraid of ballroom dancing, I am bit disorderd when new dance is teached, something to do with co-operation of hemispheres... But I am so happy being lead by him on the floor.

At the lessons we also learn to deal with conficts when it does not get on well. He is ambitious to dance excellently...

I recommend you

Hali

Strip the Willow? You crack me up, Louise. I can certainly relate to you though. We used to do folk dancing in elementary school, too, but I don't recall ever getting fondled. That happened in jr. high during my first slow dance...it really wasn't fondling per se, but he got really close and personal, if you know what I mean.

Saskia, thank you for your excellent elaboration on the tango and how the intimate details and dynamics can be lived out in a real life Taken In Hand relationship. I certainly learned a lot from what you wrote. As in tango, willing to trust certainly is a key to a great relationship.

Kaiser, great edit. Thanks! I was wondering what a man would think about it and I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my article.

Hali, that's wonderful that you and your husband are currently taking dance lessons and that your husband really wants to be a good dancer. I think that's great that the lessons also give you ways to handle conflict, not only will that help you on the dancefloor, but also in every day life. Keep on dancing!!

Hera, bless your heart. I can't read maps very well either, can't parallel park the car or remember which is left and right at times, but never really thought of them as defects. That's the way we're wired. I'm sure you are a woman who possesses many strengths and talents. And about the dancing, it might be that you've never had a good dance partner before...

And I bet you'd be superb at it, Hera! I'd ask you for a dance, anyway.

Carl, thanks for your comments. It's interesting to read your inside perceptions as a man who actually dances the tango. What was it about tango that attracted you in the first place and have you noticed a difference in how you now respond to your partners and they to you? Since most of us here are interested in male-led relationships, has the tango made you feel more dominant as a man?

Social dancing in some form whether it was folk, square or ballroom, was always a part of the curriculum in the schools I attended in California so the teenage boys I knew didn't seem to be too shy about getting their hands on a girl. I guess there's something to be gained in being bold.

I think the music was the way in for me, Di. I listened to a bit of tango music, and thought it had a cool, melancholy feel to it that was kind of dark and moody - and that kind of thing appeals to me really deeply. That got me interested in the look of the dance, and in trying it - but it was only after I actually started it and especially after I started to get okay, that I began to think of it as linked to my way of thinking about sex and relationships. Funny!

I wouldn't say it makes me feel more dominant. I do think, though, that it's freeing, in that it makes me feel more relaxed about being very definitely male. I know that's welcome in a way. And I love the way women react to me on the dancefloor - it's a place where masculinity is really valued, and women make me feel wanted.

As to how I react to dance partners - well, I realise I react very positively to those women who seem to revel in their own femininity. But then I knew I was like that anyway. I've definitely learned though that following is a real skill, that not all women are good at it, and that a woman who is is worth grabbing hold of and dancing as close to as possible! I think it's like that in life, too.