Spanking as connection

As I've explored the wonderful worlds of spanking, dominance and submission and domestic discipline, and how they relate to what I most truly need and desire, how they relate to my truest nature, I've been privileged to learn so much. I've learned (and God bless those for whom this is what makes them happy) that true sadomasochism has essentially no interest for me. I've learned that I have no interest in hurting women (nor men, either) for any reason, but appreciate the value for the kind of women I find myself deeply attracted to of being taken care of, and that being taken in hand is for them a part of that. I've learned that I have a parental and nurturing masculine streak a mile wide that runs deep through my dominant nature and is a part of myself that I deeply cherish. I've learned that I adore spanking girls' bottoms for our mutual pleasure and have a natural talent for doing just that. I've learned that I value the code of the gentleman in all aspects of my life and that the way I grow in relationships is by being a strong, dominant partner in the service of my beloved's truest, deepest needs.

And I have encountered this truth – everyone has their own true nature and desires, and although there are certain universal truths about human beings (none of us desire to truly suffer, all of us desire to be happy – no matter how twisted or misguided that may become for some of us at times), and certain overlapping interests for a particular group (some men and women just are naturally and lovingly dominant, some naturally and joyfully submissive, many have no such polarity or are genuinely switchable), each of has his or her own particular nature, our own deepest truth, which is uniquely our own.

We may or may not wish to face this nature and explore it, and any given society may condemn and revile a particular kind of temperament or relational style while another society rewards and encourages it. But ultimately our own real chance at happiness is this life is to learn what our true nature is and follow it in the best and most honest way we know how, trusting that it is, in essence, a gift in the deepest sense. What I have come to see is that what is most important is to learn as much as possible about what you truly need and desire, regardless of your own internal critic and regardless of societal applause or condemnation, and then follow it to the very best of our abilities, while being respectful of those we interact with and respectful of their own natures and needs.

And so sometimes along my own path, I have met with some misunderstanding or disapproval (although, I must say, the more I come to understand and accept my own nature, the less I encounter either) or am bothered by them when I do. One of the key misunderstandings I have encountered from either ‘vanilla’ friends or, on the other hand, those in the true BDSM culture is this: If you enjoy spanking and your girl enjoys being spanked, how can you say that it is also used as discipline in your relationship? And if you wish to discipline her, shouldn't you withhold spanking, or do something else entirely?

To answer the second question first: No way. Spanking is an important part of how I express connection and intimacy with my beloved (and how she experiences both), and she has my unconditional love and adoration no matter how she behaves. I would never choose to use the withdrawal of affection or isolation as punishment for any child of mine. I might spank them or give them a ‘community service’ style project, which replaces a Saturday night with friends or an expected trip to the movies, but I would never leave them alone as I feel that would be truly harmful to their hearts. I would make sure that they understood that discipline is provided for them simply to change particular behavior that is disrespectful or potentially harmful to them or others, not to change them for being ‘bad’ (or as I like to say ‘A naughty girl is just a good girl before she's had her spanking’).

Spanking in my adult relationship works the same way. No matter how far my sweetie may have erred from her wiser self, no matter what she has done and no matter how I feel about it, our connection will never be at stake because of it. She may be spanked until she sobs and kicks over my knee (only occasionally, only when she has really done something dangerous to herself or others). But my love for her will never be at stake, it is truly unconditional. Even as I convey the very forceful idea that this may be one form of behavior I never wish to see from her in the future, I let her know the strength and depth of my devotion to her and love for her.

Max Maximovich

Is Taken in Hand just for married couples

Have you seen the following articles?
Familiarity breeds contempt
Why you shouldn't mention the ‘M’ word
Being taken in hand is hot!
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance
An iron hand in a velvet glove
She wants to be taken in hand against her will?!
The paradox of the strong and submissive woman
The difference between dominant and controlling
I want... to be possessed
Communication, consent and connection
I don't want to be a servant or slave

2004 Jan 25 - 17:44 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Search for Self

Max, you have taken a basic truth (at least for me) and worded it beautifully!

"And I have encountered this truth – everyone has their own true nature and desires, and although there are certain universal truths about human beings (none of us desire to truly suffer, all of us desire to be happy – no matter how twisted or misguided that may become for some of us at times),

and certain overlapping interests for a particular group (some men and women just are naturally and lovingly dominant, some naturally and joyfully submissive, many have no such polarity or are genuinely switchable),

each of has his or her own particular nature, our own deepest truth, which is uniquely our own."

We are, each of us, uniquely individual and wonderful in our own right. And, in our own way, we are all seeking a connection with other like minded individuals.

"We may or may not wish to face this nature and explore it, and any given society may condemn and revile a particular kind of temperament or relational style while another society rewards and encourages it. But ultimately our own real chance at happiness is this life is to learn what our true nature is and follow it in the best and most honest way we know how, trusting that it is, in essence, a gift in the deepest sense. What I have come to see is that what is most important is to learn as much as possible about what you truly need and desire, regardless of your own internal critic and regardless of societal applause or condemnation, and then follow it to the very best of our abilities, while being respectful of those we interact with and respectful of their own natures and needs."

This is what I have done these past few months. Finally explored this side of myself and fought many internal battles along the way. While I still have a long way to go, and I'm still having internal struggles, I am a much happier person. It is astounding to me, still, to think about the changes I've made in my life in just four short months. Nothing too major, mind you! Mainly in my thinking process and ability to reach and connect with others.

I cannot recommend this too highly to anyone just starting out on this particular exploration. The acceptance I have received from so many wonderful souls has been the catalyst which started releasing and giving me the ability to deal with demons from my past. And I find my desire to connect and give back to people has increased dramatically as well.

There will always be people who disagree with me - on any number of subjects. With the acceptance I have discovered, I am able to not be hurt as much by those who disagree, in perhaps a judgemental manner. I am slowly learning not to react defensively, but intelligently and rationally.

So for those of you just starting out, ask questions, try to figure out what will work for you, toss what does not suit you, and take the opportunity to grow as a person - in whatever direction works for you. I've already asked all the dumb questions so you don't have to worry about that.

Best of luck to all

Tmir

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Jan 25 - 19:24 | login or register to post comments

It takes two to tango

Max...You have written an excellent article. You have pointed out especially one thing I think is important...the effect of self acceptance is often times that we do not feel as condemned by others for our practice. What we do is okay. I guess this comes down to the old adage: "You change the world by chnaging yourself." True self acceptance is just this way of changing the world. But there is another point I would like to specifically address. You write:

Spanking is an important part of how I express connection and >intimacy with my beloved (and how she experiences both),

.... (snip)

Spanking in my adult relationship works the same way. No matter how far my sweetie may have erred from her wiser self, no matter what she has done and no matter how I feel about it, our connection will never be at stake because of it.

For myself, I believe relationship dyanmics are interactive in the sense that any sort of disruption that would prompt discipline results in some way from the behavior of both the man and woman. It takes two to tango. I do not consider situations where the woman is acting in a way that would obviously cause harm to herself or to others. I would suggest such a woman see a psychiatrist. Or be arrested by the police. I realize there are some issues that would come up that the man might consider dangerous but the woman would consider part of living in the fast lane...such as going a little over the speed limit, etc. For the most part, however, specific behaviors which can be effectively targeted is fairly limited and would be relationship specific.

That brings us to the use of discipline as connection or reconciliation in some cases. In this instance, the couple (even the man) may recognize that it is his behavior that has caused most of the trouble. No matter. Since discipline is in all cases connective the discipline will restore the relationship to a heightened state of intimacy provided, of course, both man and woman are willing within its course to fully accept responsibility and accoutnability for the original disruption. At issue, of course, is the discipline being directed specifically at the breakdown in communication which will usually show up in the woman's behavior, though possibly the man as well. It's not about fairness, it's about connection.

Good article....Frank Nelson

She may be spanked until she sobs and kicks over my knee (only occasionally, only when she has really done something dangerous to herself or others). But my love for her will never be at stake, it is truly unconditional. Even as I convey the very forceful idea that this may be one form of behavior I never wish to see from her in the future, I let her know the strength and depth of my devotion to her and love for her.

by Frank Nelson on 2004 Feb 1 - 00:43 | login or register to post comments

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