Do some abused women absolutely reject male authority over their lives?
I have researched, listened to, studied and viewed many professionals who talk about abused women seeking out abusive relationships and/or dominance in their lives and the various reasons why they do this but I was curious if in fact a woman could go in the complete opposite direction and reject all aspects of male authority/dominance and become a master of her autonomy with rigid resistance to men who threaten that?
I would greatly appreciate any professional insight into this as it is never discussed anywhere.
A readers' forum post by Precious Baby on Tue, 03/10/2006 - 15:11
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#1 Yes
Yes, that happens too. Different individuals have different ways of dealing with past abuse. But I am not sure what you are asking. Would you care to expand on your question?
#2 abused women
I think abused women do not have a man in their relationship who is trying to control them. I think they have a depraved beast who delights in not controlling himself.
It is a fine line that is easily crossed.
In my less than humble opinion.
#3 Will there ever be hope for me?
I am asking for clarification of my current situation and how a past abuse suffered may enter into some of the turmoil that I feel over my present relationship.
I was once in a relationship with a man fifteen years my senior--I was seventeen. We had a remarkable male led aspect to our relationship and the resulting heat we shared intoxicated both of us. I loved this man. I loved what he did to me/for me. He dominated our relationship. However, it took a turn for the worse and became mentally and physically abusive so I moved on and never looked back but it took me a painfully long time to get over.
Since then I lead my relationships. I am still attracted to dominant men but will not let them dominate me in any way and this has led me to a safety zone if you will. I like leading. My relationships have been mostly rewarding and I remain to this day strong friends with the men who were once a part of my intimate life--all of them-- and I believe that speaks volumes about who I am as a person.
I have recently stumbled across this wonderful man who has completely captivated me and I am insanely in love. We have been seeing each other for close to three years and he has been warming me to a Taken In Hand relationship for two of those years. This has been an arduous process for him and his patience has swept my heart with joy. He deserves it all! I love this man and when I let go and give him the reins it is a relationship of relationships, beyond compare, off the charts, what dreams are made of union. Even with all this though--I stumble and try to regain my composure-- as I am desperate to not lose control. And I wonder if there ever will be hope for me?
#4 Holding Control
I can so identify with Precious Baby's comment on control. I so crave the control and dominance of a man stronger than myself.....but the minute this is an option I retreat in to my own secure world where I am master of my destiny. Despite years of therapy and having made many good and important changes in my life, I still feel this control from another as if it were the mental abuse from weak men from my childhood. I actually need to relinquish this with a strong man....as I am physically and mentally exhausted from controlling my world and I need spiritual rest.
#5 Probably Some Do
In fact when you think about it it is more logical than looking for a man to control you after you have been through a bad experience of being controlled by a man who did not have your best interests at heart. Why couldn't you get into a relationship that is basically an equal sharing of power and slowly hand the power over to him as you learn to trust him?
"Pat"
#6 Yes Pat, that is what is taki
Yes Pat, that is what is taking place. He is magnificent but he is dominate and wants to lead the relationship. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I want to make this man deliriously happy but I believe that old demons come into play and I want to feel that I am in control of myself.
#7 Abused Women & Male Authority
As a woman who experienced mild sexual abuse from her father, I can attest to the fact that I have not, ever, allowed a man to dominate or lead me in any relationships other than manager/employee. I believe that it is a common coping mechanism for a woman who loses trust in men and in her ability to distinguish a trustworthy man from one who isn't.
After decades of self- assessment and introspection, I am at peace with most of what's happened in the past. But, I am not sure that, while I am absolutely exhausted by the notion of leading my relationships, I can allow myself to slide into anything other than a slightly uneven power relationship in favor of the man. It is very difficult to trust one's faculties when you are betrayed by someone as a child for whom you had absolute and unquestioning devotion and admiration.
Not a simple question with simple answers....
#8 It will be fine
Preciousbaby, do you want him to dominate you? Lots of women don't. There isn't one right way to relationships. If you do then you will be fine. Just let it happen. If you don't don't allow it to happen and avoid men like that. If you do want it then you need to be careful to avoid domineering abuse and be able to distinguish that from caring dominance. I hestitate to say my ex husband abused me because that's unfair but he was mildly violent in a non-Taken In Hand/D/S way at the end and it was unacceptable. It makes me cautious that I don't repeat a pattern of seeking out men like that but that doesn't mean I need to deny my submissive nature.
I think you just need a check list of warning signs including does he try to isolate you from other people, is he positive and reinforcing or negative all the time, does he show his love for you, does he want you to reach your full potential at everything whatever that might be within reason, does he allow you some freedom, is he physically abusive, can he control his temper, is his life organised and happy, does he have close relationships with family and friends. Does he have any history of drink/drug or similar problems?
#9 Hope and Trust
Moving forward is hard. Trusting is even harder. Abuse seems to take more than the physical from many of us who have suffered from it. Some of us lose heart. Others lose much more. But I'd say that trust is the easiest to lose, and hardest to bring back. I come from an abandoned childhood, and went directly into an abusive, sexually violent marriage. By the end of that marriage, I was deeply scarred and really, no good for any man. Yet, I still believed in love and fairy tales. Good therapy started me on my way. And true love and gentle leadership recovered the rest. Being autonomous is a brilliant way to survive. Safe to say the least. Then you meet a man who wants to love you to safety. Be open if you can. He will guide that trust. He will show you over and over it can work. A Taken In Hand relationship can work better than others in fact. In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, he was aware of what he held. For the first 2 years, I needed to hear all conversations end with 'I love you and I'm not going anywhere'. Each day I thought he would leave me. Each day he stayed and promised me there would be tomorrow. He found brilliant ways to have me submit. Submit to his leadership, but more importantly to his love and nurturing. It was painfully clear to both of us how devoid I was of love and trust. But each step was monumental. And he built what was called the 'Unbreakable bond'. Instead of worrying how I could keep the relationship, I was more worried why he would keep me. Then once I grew to trust him, I tested him over and over.It was the very loss of control that allowed me to see mistakes were okay, safe. Good in fact. He loved me because and despite. And he made sure I was always happy. It was the very fact he took me in hand that allowed me to just be myself. He took responsibility and left me to simply respond. My advice to the abused woman who has found love again: Take all the time you want. His love will heal you. And together you will trust again. In my case he rewrote the internal tapes. Let that happen as well. It's out there. Reach for love. It can and will find you.
-Blush
#10 I DON'T Get It!!
Precious Baby you say that he makes you happy and he gives you the relationship of relationships. That this man has earned your off the chart rating. What are you waiting for? All of us are waiting for that off the charts man. Three years is a long trial period, don't you think you got a good look at who he is? You sound like an intelligent woman; if you do make him happy won't that be returned to you? (by this wonderful man as you describe him!) It would be different if he was doing things to cause these old demons to come out. I've been there and I can smell a pig from miles away. it takes five minutes or less and he's GONE. If he doesn't smell like your past and doesn't look like your past, I GUESS HE IS NOTHING LIKE YOUR PAST!!! Use the knowledge that has been gained and GIVE to Get the relationship of your life! He sounds like he's worth it!
Been There Done That
#11 Yes, I recognize that I have
Yes, I recognize that I have in my man what every woman on this site is looking for or has, and I can understand why this would cause confusion for some. But I also had this in a past relationship in which I gave control to someone who himself was wonderful (for a couple of years) just to have his dominance turn into abuse. The betrayal of that and the depression that followed is why I am so cautious--and it is extreme caution--but I am trying!
I am so happy that you have been able to move past this and I hope to be able to as well. I would have never considered a dominate relationship in my life again if it were not for the fact that I truly have stumbled across a real gem and I fell deeply in love before I realized that he wanted this type of lifestyle.
Now that all is clear I am facing this fact-- I am in love with a man who will not let me be dominate in any way! He has led me to this amazing website in hopes that it will help me adjust and help me remember how wonderful being dominated can be.
Thank you everyone who is sharing their comments as this does help me very much! Blush you brought tears to my eyes and a tug to my heart. Thank you.
#12 Thank you everyone who is sha
Thank you everyone who is sharing their comments as this does help me very much! Blush, you brought tears to my eyes and a tug to my heart. Thank you.
#13 A norm.
This question is quite difficult and really important. I think that any woman as an individual person has her own opinion about any things. Of course not everybody likes abusive relations even in BDSM play. So I think it is a norm that some women reject male authority during such relations.
#14 hope
suziebrenn@yahoo.com Precious Baby: Yes, I think there is hope for you. The fact that you are willing to be led into this relationship speaks volumes for the man that is leading you there. He is patient and that is what we all need. We women that have suffered abuse at the hands of a dominant man. I too am one who has experienced the list of "WHAT TAKEN IN HAND IS NOT". I am very leary of men that want to dominate me but I know that it is what I crave. I am a very intelligent, creative, strong willed, independent woman. I will freely admit that submission is not one of my strong points. I think the man in your life is slowly but surely winning your complete trust and that is what needs to happen. Once you feel that you can completely trust him with your body, soul and mind. You will surrender your heart to him. It just takes us a longer time to do this because of the way we were mistreated in the past. Never loose HOPE.