Being yourself

The dance of being yourself and sharing is a tricky business. For years I searched for something. For what I wasn't exactly clear. What I wanted was someone who loved me. My fantasy, someone who loved me enough to set limits, spank me if necessary, take me in hand.

I used to listen to this dating phone service in my city. I listened to the Domination/Submission category. Yikes! No one seemed to talk about love there. When I happened to bump into Gary, I had nothing to lose. I just decided to be myself. No fibs, no 'prove my worth'. My personality is highly intelligent, a force to be reckoned with, softened with a soft voice and easy laugh. I seemingly tricked men most of my life because of it. Boy did they resent the hell out of me when they found out that a soft voice doesn't mean a soft character.

Gary took the time to find out went when on behind the voice. He asked questions, challenged answers and tripped me up. It wasn't long before he found out I had a private submissive streak I barely knew I had myself. It was a matter of him wanting to know me better. What (designed) luck that he could easily coax me to defer to him. All with attention and soft suggestions. His only request is that I be myself. From there he went to great lengths to have me trust him.

In a possible relationship, you need to build a foundation of caring and love. Your man's personality will come out. You can drop hints, he can ask questions. But if it's not love, why would you allow any man to dominate you or take you in hand? To overlook the initial attraction and go right for the dominance, as some do, would be to miss a very big and important first step. Don't look for that above all else. Look for trust and love. No matter how society creates men today, I believe that once they reach a certain age, their own confidence takes over and the importance of one on one is primary. Meaning he's willing to take a chance. I know it's hard. Don't ever give up on the dream.

Blush

Take the Taken In Hand tour

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2006 Sep 27 - 09:18 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

I couldn't agree more

It really does have to be all about the love and trust. When I dated and then married my husband, I had never even thought about submission and dominance. I'd had a desire for spanking since I was a child, but never fathomed that it would have any relevance in my marriage. I did my best to recognize my emotional needs and sought someone who would take care of these. I was also mature enough to realize that what we sometimes think we need (especially when we're younger) in some cases may not turn out to be as important as we'd thought in real life. In my case, I'd always imagined myself with someone gregarious, the life of the party type, but ended up falling in love with a quiet, shy, deep-thinker with a wicked sense of humor, in actuality a much better match for my outgoing personality in many ways. If I'd given him "dominance tests" to determine if he was the One, he very likely would've failed for a variety of reasons. And if, based on those results, I'd walked away, oh what wonderful years I would've missed out on. Move forward 10+ years and no, he's not the perfect Dom. But our self-sacrificing love for one another has moved me to work hard to make him happy, and he continues to work on providing the leadership and discipline that I finally acknowledged and voiced. For me, searching for the dominance first before seeing the love and trust would've been more like putting the cart before the horse. I know many here feel just the opposite about these things, but this has been my own experience.

Lucy

by Lucy Ellis on 2006 Sep 27 - 13:58 | reply to this comment

Trust and love

It's not always that easy to find.

by Hera on 2006 Sep 28 - 00:16 | reply to this comment

True...but what is...

It is never easy to get what is important. The path of least resistance is something we all fall into from time to time. It looks good, seems easy to get, let's grab it and check it out. We bring it home and it's not exactly what we wanted. But what the heck...

I'm' not sure we can be that cavalier about our potential love, relationship or partner. I for one had terrible luck with men. No lack of choices, but the quality of those choices were not so appealing. I think some people get to a point where they want to do the quick route. Find out if a person is dominant, or submissive first, then see a relationship can be built. The holes in that, is you miss an entire set of foundation building. What if they are the perfect dominant. But they don't like you have heavy thighs? Or you can't live with a sloppy person. Or whatever. Gary has a saying that at first made me roll my eyes. He says if some things were easy, everyone would be doing it. Hard is what makes it good. His point is, the effort is what creates the fulfillment. Meeting people has been a lifelong effort for everyone. Myself included. Don't think I believe it's a snap. What I think is, do it right.

-Blush

by Blush on 2006 Sep 28 - 21:47 | reply to this comment

Thank you Blush

I was trying to find easy answers and fast shortcuts but what you wrote reminded me that we have to get to know someone, really do, before we can tell if that person is a suitable partner for us and our needs. I will also keep in mind that a man may possess the dominant qualities I'm looking for without me being able to detect it on the first two dates! It was a bit silly to even think that I could detect who someone really is in that short a time. And too often, those who seem dominant the moment you meet them, end up being people who take, demand and order but give too little... At least it is like this in my experience.

I'm afraid I have lost track of what is primordial in any relationship : connection, heart and love. To be with a dominant man without any of these would be sad and empty. Finding the right person is about taking the risk to get closer and find out what happens then. And as it was said in an episode of the Ally McBeal TV show : "The funniest thing about love is that it's the one game you lose by refusing to play". And in love, there are no shortcuts. You have to get out there and take the risk...

Thank you for your wisdom, I really needed it!

Emeraldas :)

by Emeraldas on 2006 Sep 29 - 20:56 | reply to this comment

Quality counts...

For many years I dated. Power dated it can be called. It was a love/hate ritual. The best behaviors, my favorite outfits (what can I say) the stories shared. Then watching while either of us did something that gave insight to the 'real' person. I would call this losing one's charm. I waited for it. Because that was the real stuff. When the pressure was mounted, then we see the stuffing of what we are made of. As time went on, I wanted desperately to go by easy access. The gentle ones. The ones who wanted to please, or do exciting things. Fun times. But I soon found out, once the conversation ends, it never comes back. Heaven knows I'm a talker. But I am not a fair talker. I want to know all about the other person. I ask, inquire, probe, listen..probe some more. By the end of the day, I knew everything, plus some. I used to gage the person by how well they could engage me. I was highly skilled at deflecting. Like many of us, I was looking for easy. I thought the more I knew, the easier it would be to choose. Was I wrong! Superficial guys, or ones easily distracted, or insecure ones. Who were desperate for attention or needed someone to listen. They were in abundance. How do you make a lasting relationship on that? Or how do you accept a dominant from that? I was shocked to my roots when Gary asked, probed, asked again and shared. No one had ever gotten that far with me. He was insistent, firm and funny. He made all the others seem so superficial by comparison. That was what made me open my eyes. What I was looking for was a formula. What I needed was a relationship. I know it's hard to believe. But if you slow down, look around and take your time, it is out there. The only formula that works, is the one where you get to be yourself. Spoken by someone who loved, lost, got lost, got confused and finally found.

-Blush

by Blush on 2006 Oct 1 - 19:40 | reply to this comment

The Rest of Your Life

I am not sure about formulas; the only question I ever seem to ask myself is whether the person I am with is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. And that takes time to know.

I enjoyed your re-telling of how Gary took the time and care to ask you questions. My man has done and still does the same with me. I used to be a little bothered when he would say he needed to "probe" a bit to understand...how dare he probe without my invitation! Yet, his care and interest in knowing how I feel is what has gotten us to where we are today. In a loving, caring relationship.

As time for us has unfolded, his strong willed personality has remained steadfast and very gentlemanly. While I originally felt resistant to his will, the more I learned that he did not mean it in a threatening way, helped me to relax within myself and to him.

Smitten

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Oct 28 - 03:28 | reply to this comment

A Polite Request

I think a great deal of success in any relationship, Taken In Hand or otherwise, needs a few ingredients. One is attention to detail. Another is consistency. Let's not forget insight and watchfulness. Really, what it all comes down to is really listening to your partner. Perhaps it also means, hearing and listening. I remember once describing how Gary would 'probe' my mind. A woman listening to this was very upset at that description. What does probe mean? How does he do it? That is intrusive! I can tell you at first it was almost a weird sensation. He would ask questions, wait patiently for answers, re-ask in another way, wait again. When he thought he found what he was looking for, he went for the deepest thought. And I was rather shocked he found his way into my inner voices. It was at that point I politely asked him to "Would you please get out of my head!"

Over time and our evolution as a loving committed couple, I have come to not only appreciate that probing look, question and intelligence. I have come to depend on it. When I can't say it myself. When it overwhelms me to figure out the fine tuning. It's at this point I say 'What's going on with me Gary?". And I truly want him to tell me how I feel. He knows me well enough to on occasion ask me "Do you want me to tell you how you feel?", and I always say Yes please.

There are so many barriers broken down with the attention given. In return, I too watch him carefully. On occasion I have also been politely asked to get out of his head. It is the dance of long term love affair. Not to rehash, but that kind of love, attention, interest is what the beginnings were about. It only intensifies when it becomes Taken In Hand. Good gets better.

-Blush

by Blush on 2006 Nov 12 - 06:15 | reply to this comment

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