Resolving an internal conflict

In his article, On being the head of the household, Bill states, “Society told her that no woman should ever be truly submissive to her man.” I completely agree that a woman should have the opportunity to be as equal to or as independent of a man as she wants to be, and I'd be the first to support her in that. But as Bill suggests, what we are told is opportunity feels like heavy societal expectations. In many instances real harm is done in trying to conform to these expectations that shouldn't exist in the first place.

How many hundreds of thousands of people – perhaps millions – are miserable because they feel compelled to live in a ‘normal’ relationship (normal by society's standards, but suppressing what would feel normal and natural to them as individuals) simply because to live otherwise is considered unacceptable? Even more sad, consider those in the situation as I just described but who don't know why they are unhappy. Now let's take the sum of those people and multiply that number by 2, 3, 4 or more. If just one of the persons in a relationship is miserable, it's pretty safe to say that this frustration will spill over to their partner too. If children are involved, how happy will they be with two discontented parents? That's a heck of a lot of unhappy people walking around in this world simply because we place unfair expectations on ourselves.

If I seem overly passionate about this, I apologize. Like so many others out there, I was one of those who had an inner need to change the way I was living, and I know how frustrating and confusing this all can be. It's natural for us to want to do what is right in the eyes of our fellow man, but in doing so we can create our own internal conflicts. It would be nice if we were not put in the position of having to choose between the two.

There's an inner need for me to be dominant within my relationship – not domineering – dominant. Yet for 16 years I was in a marriage where spanking was not an option. Okay, I can live with that – or so I thought. After all, my desire to spank my wife is considered wrong anyway, right? I was telling myself, “she's normal and I'm perverted, so get over it.” (It's funny how we accept certain things at that age.) But I found that the longer I was denied this special and loving form of communication, the stronger the need grew. I will say, however, that though spanking was not an integral part of our relationship, I was able to express my dominant side to some degree. And even though the marriage ended in a divorce, during those years I was able to help my wife to become more strong and self-reliant. That was a wonderful feeling.

It's interesting how the conclusion of one turn of events leads to another. Living the rest of my life alone does not sound particularly appealing, but then neither does entering into a relationship in which I am not the head of the household.

I turned to browsing the spanking personal ads and began a correspondence with a woman who, from what I can determine thus far, is looking for the exact same thing. She mentioned this website to me so I decided to take a look. Taken In Hand has not changed the desires I've had for so many years, but it has certainly validated them.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not placing blame on society for my past decisions or my stupid rationalization. I'm simply saying that it's a shame that we so often suffer internal conflicts between our own personal preferences and the way we would like to be viewed. Life is better when people have the courage to be true to themselves instead of deferring to what they think ‘society’ expects. In the words of Popeye, the cartoon character: “I am what I am.”

Robert

Have you seen the following articles?
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
To be taken
The alpha male and masculine power
She wants to be taken in hand against her will?!
Romantic rituals for the taken in hand
I want... to be possessed
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
What easy-to-say word gives every lover pleasure?
Spanking is the last resort
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance

2004 Jan 16 - 04:49 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Thank you

Dont call your rationalization studpid. Far from it , you have just voiced what many people feel.
As someone of a younger ( but legal age) my thoughts are the same but tend to be discarded. be thankful you have a voice and use it !
ashley

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Jan 16 - 17:37 | login or register to post comments

Thanks for reassuring me

I can relate to your inner turmoil Robert. I too have been in the same position for a long time, thinking in my case I was just born in the wrong age. I should have been a 1950’s housewife or so I reasoned until I found this site and realised there are other people out there like me.

It’s only very recently that I asked my partner to try this lifestyle and so far it seems to be working ok with trial and error on both sides.

However part of me still says it’s wrong and there is something odd about me. I’m still fighting the inner battle but as you posted your thoughts some time ago, I hope by now you are living the lifestyle you desire.

by Mousling on 2004 Jun 6 - 20:10 | login or register to post comments

Thanks for reassuring me

Mousling says she should have been a 1950s housewife, but as I've said elsewhere, I think were plenty of non-submissive wives about in the 1950s (my mother was one), and plenty of non-domineering husbands (my father, for instance). I am slightly baffled by the idea of dominance/submission as a permanent condition, nobody wants to do that ALL the time surely? Most of married life just consists of ,muddling along as best you can, without dominance/submission coming into it, and trying not to let the children drive you nuts. All this stuff about how the husband should make th decisions, for instance, does that mean that if the husband wants to move house, and the wife doesn't, they move anyway, regardless of what the wife thinks? and does the husband ALWAYS get to choose what they watch on TV and never the wife? That would definitely piss me off.

by Louise C on 2004 Jun 21 - 09:00 | login or register to post comments

I think you missed the bits about communication

louise wrote:

All this stuff about how the husband should make the decisions, for instance, does that mean that if the husband wants to move house, and the wife doesn't, they move anyway, regardless of what the wife thinks?

What seems to make a Taken In Hand relationship work (as with any other, for that matter), is discussion. To use your example, if they up sticks and move because the husband wants to and the wife has had no say, then they aren't in what I think most regulars on this site would recognise as a Taken In Hand style relationship. Personally, I would say that ignoring your partner's wishes is mental abuse.

In a Taken In Hand relationship, however, if the husband wanted to move, then he would talk about it thoroughly with his wife - making sure he knew everything she thought on the matter - before deciding. And she in turn would make sure he knew her feelings on the matter. Yes, the final decision is still his, but by time he comes to make it, he should be in no doubt about how she feels about it, and the likely consequences of moving if she is really dead against it.

In practise, I've found that if I have very strong feelings on something, B will go with those. And most of the time he does get to choose what's on TV, for the very simple reason that I don't really watch TV, and would sooner read or go listen to the radio. :) We both benefit - I do something I prefer doing, B gets to watch programs full of inaccuracies and incongruities without me commenting on them every few seconds.

--

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" Hamlet, somewhere.

by ConfusedOfHomeCounties on 2004 Jun 21 - 21:59 | login or register to post comments

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