I remember when we first began the spanking. I was uncomfortable with the whole ball of wax in some ways, but had already agreed to it and so continued with it until I felt that we gave it a good attempt. I recall the first time and how much it hurt. I had never been spanked ever, and this was not what I had had in mind. I suppose I liked the concept and I the sensed that this could be a way to take the more wild and spirited me to a place that was saner. I felt that then maybe my relationship would have a real chance at working. I really wanted to be a more loving, submissive, caring and trusting partner – not one to constantly fight for rights. Half the time, I do not even know for sure what rights I was fighting so hard to keep. All I was sure about was that I wanted them and wanted them with passion! I kept myself from being close and protected myself by repeating in my head statements like, “I will not be taken”, and the statements were working... I was far from feeling close in the relationship. And this was difficult to understand, felt very uncomfortable, and I felt insecure and took it out in some wild ways.

So.... I fought the pain and the ‘corner time’ (which was mostly time I needed to spend in ‘the position’ prior to and after the spankings... not every time, just the times he felt I needed it. I eventually learned inside and out that I was not going to win the fight against either the spankings or the time out if it was ordered. It was when I let go of the fighting and learned to listen more and reflect that I grew leaps and bounds as a person and our relationship began to heal.

The self discovery was wild and I learned things about myself I would never admit were a part of me in a million years of fighting and attacking and being miserable. I learned for, example, that I had a big pride issue. That fact I did not even wish to consider. But I really was prideful and learned to see it in me and watch it coming too. I learned of the destruction that this attitude brought and could bring in the future and adjusted to that hard set of facts.

As time passed, when I saw and felt pride and it is ugly self-rising, I was actually able to head it off by dealing with it before I blew it all the way to the point of being spanked. (Yeah!) Then, pride and inability to control it before it got out of hand became a major offense. After I learned it well enough to see it as it was coming, there was little excuse to hold onto it. And since we both knew that and had been over it and over it many times already, (I tend to be a slow learner unfortunately), the spankings became increasingly painful as the offense was or should have been more avoidable. So then, as a bigger offense, the punishment was harsher; however, there was a good note too! The offense happened a lot less often as I grew in self-control and self-discipline, and we naturally became closer. I wish I could say it is not a problem any more, but from time to time, life gets busy and I get into a ‘frame’ and forget. Reminders are always there for me though.

I think that sometimes we tend to think of ‘just us’ way too much and protect ourselves for reasons that are not even really there. I mean in some strange way, I had a bad habit of first looking at others when things went wrong or even when I blew it. They made me, they are doing what they are doing because they just want to look right all the time, I cannot allow anything above spankings in our contract because I am not comfortable with them.

Take the issue of time outs. That's something I did not enjoy at all either. My corner time isn't always called-for or used, and if it is, it's mostly being on the bed in ‘the position’ prior to being spanked for a bit and then for a good while from time to time after I had been spanked. Just there and in position, embarrassing or maddening at the start – I was there exposed and feeling pissed off that I was right and he was wrong and did this because he is mean and blah blah blah blah...

But in either of those attitudes, we were not getting anywhere and if I had taken the stance that I would permit spankings with conditions on the time out or other conditions it would be double a waste of time and just the act of playing like we were in this for our relationship and happiness. And it is a waste.

How dishonest it is to say “yes, I will submit to spankings when you call for them, but, you may not ask me to submit if you use a paddle or you do it when I am wet or if you give me time out, I won't agree to any of those.” So where is the trust there? Where is your stopping in the control and the distrust and how much will your partner feel he has in this deal. You don't trust him to do what he feels is right; you will be submissive up to a point and not any further, and you will get to argue about anything at any time and even in the midst of the spanking. It's like a snooty image or mean hard as* image that may be seen as a touch of bullsh*t coming out of the mouth.

Like the snob in a typical high school, a girl must always keep up her popular stance and her good image and protect her place at school... but the problem is she just doesn't have her heart in the work, she just wants the benefits to appear and be there... with no pain or strain. And so when things begin to look badly or hopeless – she comes up with a plan to tell her peers or parents or teachers exactly what they want to hear and then back those phony words up with a few small tokens of movement. She knows in her heart she is just telling them what information will make her look the most dedicated and full of what it takes to keep on the top. She also knows that her heart is not in the work or the real attachments with people. She knows all that and even if no one else did, she did. And how can she ever feel like her popularity is being measured for who she is and not for what she is faking? She has her limits and makes them known to all, but that seems reasonable for her to do since she is so dedicated to the program. But she is not and her heart isn't there and she is faking it for appearances and to keep what she wants to keep and who she wants to keep, making sure they have just enough to make them love her, but not enough to form honest and real and genuine relationships with anyone.

You cannot do that when you are faking what you are doing and pretending to be compliant with a person you are not even interested in being. Not only is it dishonest, but also in a way, it is using others for your own benefit, and fooling them into a false love, leaving you lonely and later bitter.

So you put restrictions and guidelines on your partner and, whether you know it or not, you are showing you do not trust him or his choices for you. You are saying, “Yes, I will be submissive” when you are not being submissive at all. Your actions, rules, boundaries, and stipulations are making it more of a show. A play to make your partner and maybe others think you are submissive and willing to really work on your relationship and trust and letting go of all your control for the relationship and for your own personal growth. It is not a sacrifice; it is more a game you play. It is not real.

This is not to say that we should give up our lives, lay down all our free will and personality to our partner, and lose who we are for good. It just seems like it, especially at the beginning. You feel that you must remain in some sort of control over this whole situation and in reality; you are putting yourself on one side of the relationship and your partner on the opposing side. It becomes more a power struggle against an enemy than a partnership of two people working toward one goal as a team.

Fighting the concept cannot work if you go into a situation, or even a spanking in itself, thinking of what you are losing and how the other is taking from you. Then you are two and you are not working together and you are in fact an enemy of sorts working to see who will win and who will be right and who makes the big sacrifices and who uses the other... yucky.

When you do make that effort to work together honestly and in the direction of a partnership, you cannot simply submit to a spanking and then lay there, dwelling on who is at fault and who is right. You being to learn even if bit by bit, that the spanking is not an act for you to get over quickly and easily so that you can just move on in your activities of the day. You really will begin to see how the submission is a freeing and a gain for you personally and in your relationship both. Letting go totally and learning to trust and being truly submissive is the only way it will work and the only way you can achieve that feeling of freedom and deeper connection and love.... and a way to happiness. It was not until I gave up all the fighting and rebellion that put me against him in an ever lasting game of who is right and who is wrong; what I needed and what I did not deserved, that I was able to see real growth in all of it. Once I surrendered my rebellious spirit and fighting and just submitted fully, I felt incredibly light inside and out, really, a good feeling. And it was in those time outs, I was able to really listen and take what I heard to heart.

It was tough, I will not lie. I was way gone, damaged by some incredibly abusive situations in my life beginning with 24/7 drunk parents who would exceptionally mean and abusive in the mental and emotional areas. They make it clear kids were to be seen only on occasion and rarely heard. That kids were second class and could be pushed and hit and yelled at and put down ... and told they were not wanted.

Through a good deal of that and more, I found it very hard to enter into a relationship where I needed to give up all the protections that I had learned in life and submit to someone else for my own good. I felt squished in life and did not like the feeling of giving up all of my control and my self-protection tools. And I really did not like being spanked firmly by someone I thought was more often that not the reason our relationship was in trouble in the first place. And what is interesting is, as it turns out, I was really in the wrong most of the time. I believed that his spanking was often a way for him to cover up his own guilt and not face his errors – and take the focus off of himself and make it mine (again). You know it is incredible, all those things we think and feel and come to ‘know’ during the height of an emotional whirlwind, embarrassing too in the end, when we are calm and we know...

I was really against the concept of thinking of my partner more. I felt strongly that it was a first step in a direction that would make it so I lost the only few parts of me that I felt I owned. It was way too much just thinking about being in a place that spanking and submitting was completely in the hands of my partner. Living as if he was the “one” final word, the right word, the person in my life to behave for and be in my mind a slave to, was overwhelming. I hated the corner time too; it was humbling for sure... embarrassing too... but in that, where is the trust and where is the ‘oneness’ in feeling embarrassments? I finally think I broke my attitude and rebellion out of pure exhaustion and a loss of will to continue fighting a battle with my partner that I was not going to win or come close to winning ... and I always had to win.

I was humbled ... in a way that I surrendered the games and power struggles and fighting just to go with the program so I could rest. After that first spanking and the reality of that pain, I hated the whole program. The fact was it hurt more than I would have wanted it to hurt and during the spanking I could not get up and run and somehow escape this pain and thought ‘how can I do this and accept it and allow it, it's painful... and about the corner time and the being still, right! I wanted a rescue, I wanted anything that would kill this commitment and contract I had gotten myself in.... and it was he vs. me...

I am glad I stuck it out. My plan was that for a good four months or so, I would go along with this spanking thing. I knew it was painful, but four month or so was not too long and it would show him that I gave it a shot, a good show of sorts. I could surely maintain a look of submission and keep my partner around while waiting a decent amount of time to call an end to the whole spanking phase. I would announce that they did not in fact help and that an end to them was best for us both.

In time, I began to let go of all that baggage, be still, and really listen to my partner's logic and his observations and such. When I saw firsthand that he really was acting on a consistent level with us, I could really trust him, respect him and his wishes, trust that when he spanked me, it was out of love for me, and respect for our relationship. He did want healing and to be more partners and loving deeper and more securely, and, seeing a real wanting to heal us and stay together, I was really becoming secure for once in my life. I was happy and I knew a world of new things about me.

But a strange thing happened... It was in the process and the struggles I created to hold on to my rights and me as a person in this world and my equal place, (if not better than merely equal),

I realized for real that it really was more of an ‘us’ thing. And as terribly hard as this concept was for me to finally understand, (and it may be for you as well), with total submission to the spankings, you have no time or really no right to use that time to include your partner in the picture. That time, your time to be punished, is spent on focusing on just you, your reactions and your errors. You have a lot to do and feel during this time too. The spanking, the really listening to what your partner is saying without looking at his part at all, time out to really think about who and what we are as individuals and time to look at our own self as a source of friction. And in that time, we simply have no room and should not at all look to our partner as wrong in any way, even if you think he is 110% wrong. Because it does not matter if it was he who started the problems. It does not matter if “He Made You” do what you knew was wrong or say what you should not have. If you can really and honestly not look to your partner as wrong or a part of the problem during the time that you are both working on you, and you are being punished, then you will see immediate changes. You will immediately begin to grow leaps and bounds and really see inside yourself, it is awesome.

Rather than to see my partner as a ‘wrong, do not look at him in the entire matter. You must have thought at one time or many that he was stubborn, a brute or mean dictator who never saw himself as being wrong. Or perhaps you have felt that he was one that would never admit to being wrong it his very life depended on it. Maybe you felt he was one that must win in every argument and all subjects and you must concede to have peace. Or maybe you just have seen him as a very wrong, misguided, mean person. However, you have felt right in a situation where you were to be spanked does not really matter at all. To come to that and to think of only your own involvement, your own issues and your own reactions to the situation and not consider or give thought to his role in the situation or matter... right or wrong role, is the place you should set some goals to achieve. That is especially true during a spanking or time out when we are required to concentrate on us. If you hear nothing else in any of the things that I have said, believe me when I say that in the time you are being disciplined, it is not a good time to debate his wrongness at all anyway... It is not the time to bring up past or future anything, but certainly not the time to continue the argument that got you to where you are now, with your rear exposed and facing a spanking. Trust me, it is not right in any sense.

Where, in all honesty, is the trust, and where is the submission in the spanking relationship, if you are thinking of how wrong it is you are in that place and how much your partner is doing you wrong and is doing the act so he can feel right...? Where is the submission if you are not free from looking at the motives and heart of your partner? Are we not then doing exactly what we are feeling they are doing? Are we just accusing them of just making us guilty and not even looking at themselves, as if we are at that very moment? Only we cannot see it because we just see them. And the spankings will not work nor will the time out if we cannot get past that.

If you cannot submit with honest trust that you actually could be crazed and not see it in yourself and that no matter what he is doing, you are in a situation where you are to look inside yourself and give your partner the trust that makes it work. And when your mind drifts into your partner's actions at a time of reflection, or even while being spanked, try to feel and see and know in your heart that you need to let go of your defenses and your blame and your side-taking for long enough to accept what you are going though. It really helps to see your partner as a part of you and not the ‘other side’ or the enemy side. Seeing him as a loving partner, a close friend and a concerned man who cares for you a lot makes a huge difference. Just thinking about that concept should move you. He is working WITH you so that you can be free and happy and the two of you can grow! You are a “team of one” with one goal... I understand that it may be your own bottom, but believe me, it is both of you together working on the good.

I believe that when you see things in perspective, for one, it gets easier to find that place... and when you look at your partner as part of the team to make you and him incredibly happy, you are even willing to see what it is that is in you that could contribute to unhappiness between you. In this journey, your partner is acting in a way that is more than likely a focused one, not one led by emotions and all those chemical reactions we have.... and the goal is for you both to be all you can possibly be on your journey. When you are free to trust, free to give your whole self to this, open to the concept and all the details which can include time out.... and just let go of all that garbage. Do not enter in and say to yourself that you are giving up “as much as you can give up right now” because that is not only a cop-out, it's not honest, it's only a show, it's not giving, it's not trusting in your partner it's just wrong.

If you are dictating all the rules, you will and will not obey, why even bother with spanking as a couple? If you can only commit to the act of spanking and then moving on with a clean slate having leaned nothing more than survival of a bad yet quick spanking and do so with no reflection or effort.... you are only hurting your rear end and going through pain for nothing. So, you have a sore bum for a while? So? You did not give up or give in to that silly submission thing and the whole time you were over his knee you were thinking what a jerk he is for trying to dodge his part in the thing and how much you want to bite his knee. There is nothing at all therapeutic in that, nothing healing and nothing of value unless you enjoy pretense. That just makes you be a part of a pretend relationship like a painful role-play in a porn movie about the entire spanking thing. There is no heart, no soul, no reflection and no growth in the act at all. And then to top it off, you have a frustrated partner who thinks he is not effective and wants to stop the whole act. Then the act will slow down and soon after, your contract is ended.

What kind of relationship is it when you are in the face of a loved one and say that you are one to ‘just give what you feel like giving’.... What does it say about your relationship when you are just considering your own plight and at the same time, downing someone else for your own gain, your own self fueled champagne, sort of like a politician would do, only you two are to be as one.

Search yourself if you can and really be honest about this; is it a commitment or a show?

This is not to say that there is no fault in our partners. But if you really think about it, we woman tend to get out of control, filled with an excess of moods and feelings that get so filled with energy, we cannot handle them. Men are not so much like us in that regard. They can live a lifetime without feeling overwhelmed with emotional energy to the point of being sick. It is as if we are in a denial and cannot see that it is our emotions driving us to be and act insane. We act out of the emotions of the moment and that makes it difficult to see clearly see the truth of any given situation. With this highly emotional moment, ‘knowing’ we are right, and we should win and have rights to even strut out our righteous selves, we may not even see clearly enough to know that our emotions led us down the wrong path. We can (and a lot of the time are) be led by the irrational part of our brain when in heated moments. And what your brain says, and where it's getting it is notions, may be doing you a disfavor by telling you that you should strut. Better to calm down and wait until the logic side of your mind kicks in.

And then we find out later, emotional knowledge of a heated moment or disagreement does not logic make! When we are so far gone and see no way at all that our partner could possibly be right in their thinking and we know inside and out that we are the “ones”. And then we throw our justified fits or do the drama thing... it can be a comfort to have that much needed shock spanking to create a bit more reality for you again. And there is nothing like it, the power of a firm and deliberate spanking! Then after the spanking, we have time to process it all. Time to really think about the discipline and the situation and steps leading to the place you find yourself in now. It is a great time to look at our own responsibilities, our own out of control emotional bit and maybe see we were acting out a bit too rash, too wild, over-doing it to the extreme. Maybe we can see that we were actually sacrificing our loving relationship for a moment of pride or ‘being right’ and dancing our righteous dance.

If you have a deep love and trust for your partner; you express it to him; you have built up a good amount of restraint; have the ability to and do consider your own role in your relationship; have a degree of self discipline; and the courage to face things in yourself that we may not have wanted to face and then can share all that with your partner, you should not feel embarrassment. If you think about it, how close, tight-knit, and loving is a relationship where you are embarrassed in front of a partner who sees you as the one he loves and the one he treasures. What benefit is keeping that hold on certain aspects of yourself you want hidden so badly? What part of the “you” that is in you that you feel so compelled to hide from your partner, your team member making one? What is holding back anyway, if not just for deceiving you and your partner?

It is for those reasons and many more that I can say without a doubt that spanking and time out when needed is a value, a tool and a many times needed act of love. (If you are honest with yourselves, ladies, you will know this in your heart).... We really do not have to fake a contract nor go just half way to submission and trust with our partner. We can make our way to let all the defenses go and take our walls down. We can end the fake “half way” submissions for good... And even though the actually wall tearing is unpleasant, and you will have to do the tearing yourself, you will find it very worth it. The bonus is that once you begin all of this, it goes fast. And when you begin to feel that power submission and letting go can bring and have the trust in your partner that you want, all in honesty... you will begin to see yourself fully. You will love the feeling to such a degree that you go out of your way to find more. And that peace begins to give you and your partner the closeness and the real love, the deep stuff, you have always looked for.

And although it goes against your grain and what you know in life to be your defenses and although it is all way hard and physically painful or embarrassing at times in the beginning, there is one thing that you need to know and remember throughout your journey, (it saves time and speeds things up a little). And that is:

Hurting only makes us grow – and the hurting inside and out that you feel now, is the first step of being real.

No pain, no sacrifice. No sacrifice and no pain, no real gains. And it will never be real. If you can't understand the concept or sort though my mess of ramblings, try this: Go to the library or bookstore and check out or buy the Velveteen Rabbit and read it slowly and mindfully and then read it again. The concept is right in this book written for children...

You may know the story, but if you were young when you read it and living the kid's life, you may not ‘know’ the story well enough to understand. But be assured, if you give yourself some time out and in that and in that time read the book... you will see that the concept is in there, you will. I am confident about at least that much. Maybe that is all I am super confident about, because we are all so different and unique with different needs and situations... but the book tells about real... and does well doing it, and is simplistic and easy to read, unlike me who needs to over explain to the point of confusion... sorry.

All of this is in my own humble opinion and not a final word on the whole idea of spanking... maybe I am off base, but I feel good inside so I cannot be too far off. I hope that I have not come off as some authority or wacko or preacher, or anything other than a rambling person who cares for you all and your personal journey in life. I merely wanted to share this because I believe that the time out, when ordered, is part of the package. The package that is of some sacrifice and loss of a bit of your will is the one you take. Nothing good came from nothing and no greatness can come from token contracts and shows.

If you can say “this is okay” and then turn around and say “this part of it is not okay” then are you not just suddenly dictating your own rules and playing a role that you agreed was to be your partner's role? Are you just trying to be in control yet looking as if you were playing the part of a submissive partner? Is it surrendering your wild and crazed self and your insecurities and your lack of real commitment to your partner when you dictate what you want and what is easy? And do you trust him and is he trustworthy?

If he is trustworthy, what is your pact for spanking in the first place? Do you want the benefit without the pain? The surrender with half the control? Do you want to be the leader in it all? Do you truly want the relationship to work? Do you sincerely want to see yourself as you really are, good and bad and grow from that to be a better person and more happy than ever? Do you really want your relationship to grow and get better or stay the way it has always been year after year? Or worse, do you really want to risk it all and possibly reach a place where you are too far-gone to heal and have gone to far for that to happen?

Finally, do you trust or do you just want to show your partner that you are trying and sacrificing when in reality, you are not even close? Spanking is not a tool to be used by one side or the other. There are not sides here to take. You are a team, both dedicated to the relationship and your love. The spanking is not a dominant power thing that is used to show you who is the boss, it's just one partner who helps the other – their better half... feel more secure, calm, safe, loved and a tool you can use to be a much more loving and open and honest woman.... the spankings will get to be further apart. They will still hurt, you may feel anger and rage after one and need to reflect or be spanked until you settle down and think it though logically and look inside yourself.... Spankings and time out are not supposed to be fun or feel good. If they did, they would merely be erotic play sessions with the two of you acting out in an almost BDSM sort of way.... and where is the growth in that?

I know this is long, and if you have read this far I am truly amazed and shocked and congratulate you on your patience and preservation. God bless the ones who take the time to hear me, I do know it's a suckie long time and maybe turned out to be a waste of your time, but know that I appreciate you hearing me out and my ramblings...

Hugs of health and happiness to you all...

Linda