PTSD and Dissociation
I’ve been reading a lot of questions and comments from women who have PTSD and Dissociation Disorders in regards to spankings. I feel the need to share my experience in the interest of garnering comments regarding similar experiences.
I’ve been in a Taken In Hand relationship for four months now. Before I came to this relationship I was in a long term emotionally abusive relationship. I never went to therapy for it, and just buried a lot of it. While processing certain lessons that I learned from the experience I never really processed any of the emotions. I spent the next three years unknowingly depressed, withdrawn…trying to make another relationship work. It failed and over the course of the relationship, the withdrawal got even worse.
This new relationship that I have has been understandably intense with the added element of being a Taken In Hand and D/s relationship. My partner expects me to be fully present with him, and without demanding it, his personality just makes it impossible for me to go on “auto-pilot” which was my main mode of retreating from the rest of the world. Since I am always “on” with him, instead of going on auto-pilot, I started experiencing something new.
During times of stress, (mostly me denying anger and not being forthcoming about my feelings) I started completely dissociating. I would realize that suddenly all these intense emotions of love that I had been having for my partner would just…not be there. I knew that they were there, I just couldn’t access them. Another aspect of this was that I was completely unable, no matter how much I wanted to, have any kind of emotional release. I hadn’t cried in years.
During the first particularly bad bout of this, I became absolutely numb to the point of feeling like I was a stranger in my own body. I was having physical sensations quite akin to actually having taken a drug, much like a muscle relaxer or narcotic pain medication. The world looked to me through my eyes like a fake movie set. My voice sounded strange to me, I was unable to hold a conversation, and the love that I felt for my SO was just…gone. I felt “gone” inside myself. We finally talked, and what I was angry about came out, and I felt better after a while.
The second time I had all these same feelings, in addition to looking in the mirror and being unable to recognize myself. This lasted for a week and after talking, it hadn’t gotten any better. My partner and I discussed the possibility of using a spanking as an emotional catalyst. We talked about it in depth, and finally decided to try it. The first time he spanked me, he brought me to an emotional release. The first time I’d cried in a very long time. Afterwards I monitored my emotions very carefully. I could feel the subtle shift and was hopeful it would continue to move towards me being able to more fully experience my emotions. After I’d calmed down and had a while to process it, my partner decided that I hadn’t had enough of a release and we did it again.
This time was quite successful. After having been brought to the point of tears I was able to let go quite a bit. I cried for a long time, and even after it tapered off, it came in fits and starts as I processed some old hurt emotions and surprisingly, anger that my past relationships had brought me to this. That now that I had something worth having and worth being fully present for, my emotional switch was being flipped without my conscious effort. He spent the night holding me, soothing me, encouraging me to let it all go. I felt wonderful the next day.
This isn’t something that we’ve attempted again, but I haven’t had a very serious bout of this since then. I’m not a psychologist, I have never been diagnosed by a psychologist. These are issues that I’ve seriously considered seeing a therapist for, but at this time it’s just not feasible. My partners willingness to help me overcome these feelings and to help bring me back when I shut off though is very comforting to me.
Subsequently after another smaller bout of this, I began to seriously consider my sanity and went looking for answers on the net. I found a very comprehensive description of the very exact symptoms that I’d been experiencing in descriptions of Dissociation Disorders and Depersonalization Disorders, which is a facet of DD and PTSD. The cause of which…yep, traumatic situations, abusive situations. I guess people who develop them all develop them for different reasons and react to them in different ways, but I found that this aspect of my relationship was very helpful in at least partially overcoming a very disturbing emotional problem. I’m sure that it’s something that I will have to work on more, and I’m not necessarily sure that a spanking is always the answer. I do know that it worked for me at least once, and I’d be willing to try it again though.
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#1 me too
I also suffer from PSTD and DD, stemming back from when I was little because of traumatic events in my life. The PSTD is really mild now and I've learned to dissociate only when I really need it rather than have it happen on its own. As my therapist has said, the "checking out" is actually an incredible coping and survival mechanism; it's when you do it all the time that it becomes a problem.
I too have found that the spankings have helped me tap into feelings that are so deeply buried inside. Again, out of habit all those years of shutting down it's hard now to let stuff out. The spankings open me up and give an incredible amount of release. Though we have a Taken In Hand relationship there isn't a lot of punishment spanking going on, but we do a maintenance one each week and when I need help getting inside myself, when I'm shutting down/checking out, or when I know that something stressful is coming up that causes me to dissociate I'll ask for a session then too.
My suggestion to you though, is to contact a therapist. We hide so many things deep inside when we dissociate; I believe a lot more than we know and I worry that things may come up for you that you are not prepared for. A support system in place is a good thing. You sound like you have found that with your partner but having someone trained helps a lot. Plus any questions you have about dissociative disorder they can answer.
If I can answer any questions for you about it, let me know. Best to you.
#2 I absolutely agree that a the
I absolutely agree that a therapist is in order. Unfortunately there are a few things that are keeping me from that at the moment. First, I don't have insurance and therapists aren't cheap. Especially ones who deal with specialized disorders. Second, I would prefer to have a therapist that is "lifestyle friendly". My partner and I are, as well as being in a Taken in Hand relationship, are also very much into BDSM and I'd prefer to explore some of those issues as well, without having to fear that someone is going to shove the idea that I'm being abused, or allowing myself to be abused down my throat. I've looked around my area, and managed to find a guy who was both lifestyle friendly, and who dealt with my specific types of problems, he even does it on a sliding scale. He's an hour and a half away from me though...:( So I'm waiting until I have a bit more money so that I perhaps have a wider range of therapists to choose from. Until then I'm just trying to be very communicative with my partner about how I'm feeling at any given time, and he is luckily very very patiant with me and committed to helping me in any way he can.
Thank you very much for your insight and comments though. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one.
#3 spanking and PTSD
Ladies, I am a therapist, and I specialize in treating PTSD. First, dissociation is a symptom of PTSD, the most uncomfortable of the PTSD symptoms, and usually occurs in adults when the abuse happened to them as very young children. PTSD is NOT the same as Dissociative Disorder.
I do not encourage anyone to engage in behaviors that re-truamatize them. I must acknowledge that I have difficulty with using spankings to "get to" feelings about the abuse; wouldn't it be better if your partner simply held you and soothed you until you felt safe enough to let it out?
Feel free to comment...
Firebird
#4 thank you
Hi Firebird,
Thank you for your concern. I've been in therapy for the PTSD for quite some time now, and yes, it is from trauma as a child that I've only in the last few years started remembering. I do understand that the dissociative element is a symptom and a coping mechanism not the same thing as PTSD.
I'm actually in a really healthy place right now and do not use spankings to deal with issues, I use my therapist for that. And my husband does wrap around me and hold me and make me feel safe when I'm invaded by these memories.
What I do use spankings for is when I'm not connected, they bring me back into my body, they help me let down my guard- my armor in a sense so I can get to the issues. And they ground me and reconnect me to my husband with the exchange of energies that transpires. They are the hard input I need, if that makes sense. They in no way retraumatize me. But I understand that for some they might.
But I do appreciate your insight. And agree; a therapist is needed for this, which is why I had responded to the initial post- spankings- actually the whole Taken in Hand dynamic creates an incredible safe place. It feels good to be taken care of in such a way. But it is not an alternative for therapy. I understand that 100%.
Thanks again.
#5 Connecting to the present
I do not think I have the disorders noted here to the extent of feeling disassociated with my body, etc. However, I do have emotional wounds from feelings of having been somewhat emotionally mistreated in a previous relationship/marriage.
My partner now is very tuned to me and responsive. He understands when I am feeling upset/overwhelmed about past issues in particular.
As others have said, spanking is a very intimate connection and this type of interaction seems to free me from brooding. It brings me back to the reality of the moment and the bonding afterward further instills closeness and feelings of trust because he knew what I needed and didn't hesitate to act when I couldn't seem to.
#6 The view of a psychiatrist
I am a psychiatrist who treats PTSD and dissociative disorders on a daily basis. I am also in a Taken In Hand relationship. I really liked rose123's post and want to add my thoughts.
No one in a Taken In Hand relationship is, or should be attempting to, re-enact abuse from his or her past. A sharp spanking (being taken in hand) can distract us from painful brooding about issues that tear us apart from our partners and leave us feeling empty and alone. Being taken in hand is a profoundly intimate act that connects partner to partner in a deep emotional and physiological way. It is not a treatment of previous abuse, but rather a catalyst for renewed growth.
A Taken In Hand relationship can take what was once destructive self-perpetuating energy from demons of past trauma and channel it into the passion and excitement that fuels the healthy evolution of the individual and his or her relationship.
#7 Thank you...
I appreciate very much the input of the therapist and psychiatrist who've commented and to the others who've shared their experiences and insights. I do want to be completely clear about one thing though.
I've never contemplated doing this as a "recreation" of past traumas and abuses. For me it was never about physical abuse. It was about constant emotional abuse and chronic stress. So much so that after a few years of it I "checked out". I spent a lot of time trying hard not to think about the situation I was in, the fear I had of leaving, how wrong I knew it was and the day to day struggles of constant fights, literally never being left to myself for a moment to think and struggling to pay bills because I was the only one supporting us, on minimum wage.
Rationally, I've dissected alot of the issues, seen the progression of them, how I got to where I was...how I should have handled things...I'll never find myself in that place again and my last relationship and my current relationship have been with men who were absolutely the opposite of the abuser that I was with, giving me all the emotional and physical support that I could want.
The simple fact of the matter is though that now that I'm in a relationship that does not really allow me to "check out" or go on auto-pilot, these bouts of de-personalization are much more...stark. Much more in my face because the rest of the time I am very much feeling my emotions...something I haven't been able to do in a very long time, even with the relationship I had between the abuser and my current one. I was allowing life to slip by me, major life events, without being able to feel any of it. But since it was a day in and day out thing...I guess I never really noticed. Or I'd notice and say...this isn't right, but then I'd decend right back into the not-thinking not-feeling fog.
So now, when I disconnect, even if I can't feel the emotion, in my mind there is fear. Fear that these intense feelings of love that I have for my SO are not there anymore, and will they come back? Fear that if I don't FEEL real, then am I really?
As I said, I know that I need a therapist. I've explained why I haven't gone searching for one, but rose123 did explain perfectly the reason that I had for using an intense spanking to re-connect me. I experience that same emotional vulnerability, almost like breaking through a wall. My partner and I have had some very intense, very safe emotional moments where I wanted nothing more than to "let it all out" and still I was unable to cry. I needed the physical stimulus to allow me that release. The moment I reached that point, he stopped and held me tightly, coaxing me to let it all out.
Was it completely healthy in a psychotherapists view, perhaps not, but...I've felt better emotionally since then.
#8 excellent topic
Such a lovely post, fyrespryte. Thank you so much for sharing. I have similar issues with PTSD and dissociation. However it rarely interferes with my life these days. I am not a proponent of therapy, as it never helped me. Perhaps a Taken in Hand relationship can be a replacement for a therapist... we all respond to things differently. I know that for me, being spanked is far more therapeutic than any therapy session I’ve ever been to. But he’s never used spanking as a tool to bring me back from the depths of dissociation. It hasn’t been an issue as I rarely experience it these days. And I am not sure I would even notice he was spanking me if I was truly shut down. He has used spanking to correct my unwillingness to share... communication is taken very seriously. And rightfully so. I see now that many past relationships failed because my partner wasn’t strong enough to see that I needed to be encouraged to talk about things, not left alone or even ignored to brood in my head.
I think it is amazing that there are several women on this site so similar to me. I found many of the comments on this thread in particular to be very familiar. I too have experienced traumatic events that have left me scarred. But now I find comfort, not only in a Taken in Hand relationship, but in the arms of a patient, caring, helpful, loving man. I am so lucky!