Reading the subtle body language signals
I have never had to ask a woman for consent. Simply looking at her body language and, how she acts when I'm being dominant gives me more than enough assurance to know whether she needs to be taken in hand or not. That is what reading people is all about, and it is something that I have come to be very good at. ASKING a women sounds very bizzare, because a Taken in Hand relationship is something that evolves and happens through instinct. I view it as a way of life. In no way do I see it as an act. I don't imagine a man having to ask for consent, because if it was not obvious enough whether it was something she wants or not, then there is obviously a connection is lacking between the two.
A readers' forum post by SomeDude on Thu, 13/07/2006 - 15:48
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#1 Choice is important
I want to be taken in hand but I'm glad to know that I had the choice as to whether or not I wanted it. My husband has my consent to take me in hand whenever he sees fit but without that consent to me it could be defined as abuse. You have to be careful in this day and age.
Kathy G
#2 Asking for consent
Well, none of the men I had spanking relationships with ever spanked me (initally) without some probing to ascertain that I liked it (or they hadn't actually seriously thought of doing it until I idnicated I liked the idea).
And it isn't always obvious what people want, I wasn't even sure what I wanted myself until I discovered the Taken In Hand site and was able to sort out my own feelings. My husband wasn't sure what I wanted either, until I explained it to him. People are not always simple and straightforward, they have mixed personalities and mixed feelings. I still have slightly mixed feelings about my own submissive desires, and I probably always will. That's life. We are not all constructed alike. It's what Jeeves calls the psychology of the individual.
Louise
#3 Perfect...
That was so perfectly put and exactly how I've always found it. I don't think I've ever been asked. Dominant men test and then take. In fact if someone asks then I'm suspicious they're not properly dominant. With my last boyfriend he never asked me about anything he did to me - he just did it and I was fine with that. There might have been subtle previous discussion on certain topics because he was emotionally intelligent and nice but no asking. This is the main issue I have on Taken In Hand actually compared with say BDSM sites.... I just can't get around this question that you can change someone or make them into the dominant or taking in hand man you want if they weren't born like that.
If a man I'm attracted to is dominant with me he can read me like a book. I don't react like non-submissive women. If you say something firmly to a woman or give some kind of instruction she'll either love that or she'll react against it if she isn't interested in being takeninhand.
Does that mean I'd consent to anything? Well no, but I'm pretty good at communicating and also choosing the right kind of man (currently man-less interlude apart). If the connection is there as SomeDude says, then she will want to comply anyway. It evolves and happens through instinct. I was submitting before I'd ever known a man. It is just there and I'm really only interested in men for whom it has always been so with them as well.
#4 To: SomeDude
Very interesting topic. I find it amazing how in-tune my partner is with my own body language.
However, I am curious. Aren't you the same fellow that posted this comment?
#5 Consent
In the same way that if a man was only acting dominant, and a woman was only acting submissive, the whole experience doesn't seem right and is less satisfying then if the relation happend naturally. I do see how specifically asking for consent can be helpfull, but that just makes it seem like more of a game.
#6 This is how it is with me, too
"If you say something firmly to a woman or give some kind of instruction she'll either love that or she'll react against it if she isn't interested in being takeninhand."
Hera,
This is exactly my experience. Once I was told, "Trust me and do as I say." My internal reaction - instantaneous, in fact - was to do *exactly* as he said - and I did it. And I know that another woman - someone who did not want to be taken in hand - would have reacted far differently than I did. And only dominant men have "the voice of authority" that speaks to me at my core.
#7 Yes
In that article I asked out of curiosity of what other people do, not actually because I was having trouble with it.
#8 Asking for consent
Oh god, not the 'if you have to ask for it it's only a game' line again. Look, some of us need to discuss our needs with our partners, rather than just having them taken for granted, okay? I don't regard my relationship with my husband as a 'game' because we both had to talk about what we wanted and get our feelings sorted out. My husband didn't knwo by instinct what would work with me, and I didn't either, since my own feelings on the subject were very confused.
There's no harm in talking aobut what your partener wants and what you want, espeically if, for instance, you are man who is under the impression that shouting in a woman's face is likely to have a more beneficial effect on her than spanking her, or are otherwise uncertain about what will work and what won't.
Louise
#9 Consent
I was never under the impression that shouting in a woman's face is more beneficial, I was simply asking because I was interested what people had to say, the same reason why I created this topic. What I'm trying to say is that if someone was interested in very kind people, then they would like someone who was very kind by nature, rather than the same person acting very kind, just for the sake of pleasing them.
#10 Finding out what works
People don't always know what will work for them. My husband often used to get fed up with me because I never made much of an effort with the things he wanted me to do, once he realised that there was a better way of getting me to do what he wanted, he took to it quite naturally. He finds it comparatively easy most of the time because he knows it works. It isn't putting on an act, it's just adjusting his attitude somewhat. Likewise I have adjusted mine a bit. Neither of us is putting on an act, we just needed to communicate better, find out what the other person really wanted, and put it into practice.
And it is mainly due to Taken In Hand that this has happened. This site has been very good to me. People who are already in perfect relationships with perfect dominant men for whom everything goes smoothly don't really need this site as much as people like me, who are confused and looking for something, without really knowing what they are looking for. If you are single, then you have leisure to look for the perfect dominant male who gets everything right all the time (good luck to you finding him). If, like me, you are already married and don't want to start looking for another man, then you work on the material you have to hand, i.e. your husband.
I am lucky that I have a husband who understood what I wanted and was able to deliver it, and make himself happier as well as me. He's not the perfect dominant male, and I, God knows, am not the perfect submissive female, but we get on a lot better as a result of discovering Taken In Hand. Those who are already perfectly suited with perfect partners are less in need of this site than those of us who are adrift and searching for something.
Louise
#11 Gotta recognize it yourself first
It took me 10 years of marriage to figure out what I wanted/needed and then a few months more to be able to articulate it. Prior to discussing it with my husband, he would have NEVER even remotely considered taking me in hand with a spanking. Nor would he have been as firm on things as he's begun to be of late. Without my first recognizing what I wanted in myself and then telling him, I don't think I would've taken well to his taking me in hand all on his own. Though I wouldn't have doubted his love for me, I think certain defenses would've gone up for me. I don't know what category that puts me in, but I don't think I would've accepted that my husband chose to handle certain situations by beating me, which is how I likely would have viewed it pre-Taken In Hand, even though the desire in me seems to have been there subconsciously for years. And although I love the whole concept now, I can't imagine I'd have given the right signals in my dating days to show that I was open to it, because for crying out loud, I hadn't figured it out myself!
My husband, as Louise said well, isn't the perfect dominant male, but I'm happy to work with what I have. We are both earnest to please the other and that matters more to me than a lot of what I read here. That said, sometimes I wonder how many women there are out there like me, who in their 20's would never have given off submissive body language so young but would end up loving a Taken In Hand relationship years later. Seems like there are quite a few.
Lucy
#12 body language isn't enough
I know from reading this site that it isn't always obvious, no matter how perceptive the man thinks he is, what a woman wants at a given time. My husband and I were brought together through BDSM and it worked very well for us in the beginning.
However, if I never brought up my desires to be Taken in Hand, I'm pretty sure it would have never occured to him that I would be ok with him being so firm during an arguement. Personally, I'm glad he never made assumptions, because we all know the saying about what assumptions make of us. I'm also relieved to find he is so caring as to want to know what I want out this relationship. There is nothing that make you feel so special and loved as a person willing to listen to you and try to understand.
He has gotten better at reading my body language and I have gotten better at reading his as well, over time. I do not think that you can always use someone's body language to judge what is in their head. It takes pracitice and intimacy to figure out. It is very moving when he can "read my mind".
Vicki Lyn