Finding a good man

An internet friend of mine recently wrote me an anguished email message saying that she is now single and that she has no idea where all the good men are. “I seem to attract only submissive men who want to be led around by the nose,” she complained. This friend is one of a surprisingly large number of women who yearn for a strong man who will, at least in some ways, be in control… “not the way your average control freak is in control,” she says, “but in a way which increases the intimate connection between the man and woman.” She says she finds control erotic, “but I'm not at all interested in BDSM and have no desire to be anyone's slave or servant. Nor do I want a man who requires unquestioning obedience. I'm a modern woman who wants a modern relationship (i.e., one in which each partner supports the other's work and dreams) but one enriched by control dynamics.” Unfortunately, her search has so far drawn a blank.

If you are a woman in this situation, unfortunately, I think you will find it difficult at best finding a suitable partner, especially over the internet. Truth is, there are a lot of men who are on the Internet playing games. Some are playing several women at the same time. If ever confronted over their behavior, some of these men react with tactics of control. You know, the old “You're not submissive enough if you don't trust me” sort of crap. I think men who do that to women are weasels (at best). Just MHO but I'll stick to it. Many men you will meet on the internet are married, just living out some sort of fantasy and stringing whoever they can along for the ride. Often times, it is expensive for women only in terms of time and sometimes lost real opportunities. Other times, it is outright dangerous. Pay real attention to details. Listen to the man's actions, not just his words. If his actions belie his words, believe his actions, not his words.

To find a man who has the qualities you seek, you will likely need to look in unlikely places, paying attention to apparent innate intelligence rather than any claim they may have to actually knowing anything. One thing not to overlook is where you met the last man you were with. One woman I know of, frustrated with her experience on the internet, took the old fashioned approach and went to her address book, finding single men or old friends now divorced for some time. She picked out the ones she had some attraction to. This makes absolute sense because emotional attraction is sexual and it is likely that sexual attraction is speaking from the same sexuality.

I suggest that you carefully look in the erotic community, YOU contacting men and not the other way around. Look for intelligence and clarity of thought rather than giving that much of a hoot if he “has it right”. Better to find someone who might be very open to what you want rather than someone who has preconceptions, because such preconceptions could hamper the development of the sort of relationship you want. Don't expect anyone to already have exactly the same ideas as you have. There are spanking websites which have personal ads. Check out personal home pages with appropriate search phrases.

Even if you are looking for a man interested in control more broadly than just spanking, I still think the best place to look is in men with strictly erotic backgrounds – men who enjoy erotic spanking. The reason for this is that the kind of control needed is normally specific to the woman. I believe that anyone who genuinely enjoys eroticism is wired for this sexually and can gain the necessary control dynamics. The trouble is that sometimes the whole thing gets out of whack and the man becomes a control freak. Avoid men who have preconceptions about obedience and submission, because the control they offer will not be pleasant.

My basic premise here, and the reason I believe erotic experience only is preferable, is that the control dynamic of discipline needs to develop and evolve as part of your relationship specific interaction. Men who like to spank would by their nature easily take on intimate discipline/control dynamics the way we explain them. These men would have trouble with the “behavior modification” approach, but that is inherently absurd anyway. An erotic spanker could easily understand that control dynamics would enrich the intimate experience. And as someone sexually inclined towards spanking, he would have this as a natural quality in his personality. How it developed would depend on how you related to each other.

Frank Nelson

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
The alpha male and masculine power
The hazards of self-sacrifice and impossible standards
Taken In Hand is not a lifestyle
Why Taken In Hand isn't actually unfair
Help! The one I love nowadays rarely wants sex!
Is he who (or where) he says he is?
Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told
Is your new man dominant, domineering, or a dithering wimp?
Liberated through submission

2003 Oct 4 - 12:23 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Looking for the Right Man

I really like your article...found it most instructive and intuitive. Thanks.

Kateyjo

by kateyjo on 2003 Oct 10 - 01:36 | login or register to post comments

Find a good guy

Tip #1: be sure he's a good guy not a jerk. I can't stress this enough.

by Todd Evans on 2003 Oct 10 - 09:35 | login or register to post comments

More men interested in spanking than women?

On this web page I read that

Just about every CP magazine has it’s little contact section at the back always filled to the brim with gentlemen of all ages and sizes in search of what seems to be a very illusive thing – a young lady to spank. So why is it that there seems to be such a wealth of men interested in spanking and such a deficiency of women? Is it really the case that there are just far more men than women interested in the world of discipline and CP?  

I’m a woman that has always been aroused by punishment scenes and have found many of my female friends as fascinated as myself. So if women are interested in CP, why aren’t they on the spanking scene? I intend to consider a number of different somewhat interlinked explanations and hopefully give an insight from a woman’s perspective.

So ladies, this looks like evidence that Frank's right: go looking in the erotic CP (corporal punishment) community if you want to find a guy that's open to discipline.

I hope this helps.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Nov 21 - 14:04 | login or register to post comments

How very intriguing!

If anyone has any thoughts on the quoted part of the preceding comment, I'd be very interested to hear them. Why is it that the quoted writer seems to take it for granted that there are more men interested in spanking women than women interested in being spanked?

by the boss on 2003 Nov 28 - 04:57 | login or register to post comments

More men interested in spanking?

The answer to why you see more men admitting interest in spanking seems pretty simple to me. There's such a powerfully sexual aspect to spanking. There is still a great deal of stigma for a woman to discuss her erotic appetites -- especially with complete strangers.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Apr 19 - 18:01 | login or register to post comments

Finding a good man

It is hard. Lets take a look at history ( although I am no historian, I will give broad strokes ).

1960s - Civil rights movement( A GREAT thing )
- feminisim is given a voice in the media
1. Feminists who do not want to be treated like trash
2. Essentially lesbian super liberals who want to subvert the anglo male power structure( I am not anglo, by the way )
-Dr. Spock - Baby boomer kids not raised the way their parents were, and thus their kids, and their kdis, etc...

1973 - Roe v Wade - Women increasingly become less constrained to typical roles given the right to have an abortion. ( I also think this is a good thing )

1980s - The beginning of sexual harrasment law suits on a wide scale. The ultra liberalisation of the media.

The above plus the tendency of the Hollywood and television to make shows that feature a completely bafoon of a man with a wife who constantly criticizes him and everyone around always makes it clear he is lucky to even be with her.

Although women have a much better quality of life that 50 years ago, "Chivalry" is still alive in many quarters.

Do you see what I am getting at? Society in the last 50 years has come to make many men essentially wimps. And I don't mean that they arent otught in the sense o being able to fight or being weak. But wimps in their relationships with women.

There are still many men who naturally don't get brainwashed by all this, and there are others who learn how to be their natural selves through reading. Good men do exist for you. They just are not easy to find.

by Intuit on 2005 Jun 26 - 07:47 | login or register to post comments

Not all spankers understand control dynamics ...

"An erotic spanker could easily understand that control dynamics would enrich the intimate experience."
You'd think so, wouldn't you? But sadly this hasn't been my experience and after various attempts to save a 9-yr-old relationship on this very point, I've now given up and am moving on, causing heartache to us both. When I've tried, including referring to this site, to work towards the simple, positive, erotic control that I crave, I'm told, 'But you don't need punishing!' The point of erotic control is just not understood. How hard can it be, for a man who's spent nine years saying he loves me, to look into my eyes and say a soft 'Come here'? when he can happily take a riding crop et al to me? I don't get it.

So we said I'd take proper breaks (I work from home) and be totally available ... so I did, and became available for, as it turned out, more minutiae about purchases on eBay and general conversation that we could have had over meals anyway.

If someone reading this actively wants and needs a spanking element, then fine to go looking on the personal ads of spanking pages, but I'm never ever going down that route again. I've decided that I'd rather look on regular dating sites and test the waters, so I am now doing just that with someone who may know nothing of this site, let alone spanking and BDSM sites. I've been playfully, gradually, making my desires known to him since our second date, so if we don't make it as a couple, I can't be accused of moving the goalposts. I'm doing this without using any of the terminology that might suggest I secretly have some unconfessable kink, and, because it simply doesn't matter to me any more, I won't be the first person to mention spanking. If the relationship continues and he ever wants to spank me, then it will be my absolute JOY to fulfil this, and any other, possibly long-held fantasy that he has, I'll gladly take it from him and we can begin to build it into the relationship. If it never crosses his mind but he moves in little ways towards the kind of relationship that I'm looking for, I'll honour that and work towards a lasting relationship because from Day 1 I could see that, at very least, this was someone who would draw out the feminine side that still hasn't entirely blossomed, and that, at very least, is what I most desire.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2008 Jul 10 - 23:52 | login or register to post comments

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