Being transformed
Discovering the Taken In Hand website made a big difference to my life. It made me aware of yearnings that I had suppressed, and made me think seriously for the first time ever really about what was wrong with our marriage, and what we could do to make it better. Implementing some of the things I read about has changed things for the better. My husband and I get along better now in all ways. We relate to each other better, we communicate better, we just seem to like each other more.
What it hasn't done though is turn me into a different person. I behave slightly differently than I used to, but I am still essentialy the same person. "A bloody-minded bitch" as my husband sometimes remarks, though now he can handle the bloody-mindedness much better. But I'm still me, my nature has not changed really, though my behaviour, to a certain extent, has.
What I wonder is, is it usual for being Taken In Hand to completely transform a woman's nature and make her into a different character altogether? And is this a good thing? Do most men want their wives to be completely different people? Taken In Hand made a big difference to me, but only after I'd talked it over with my husband, and we had agreed on certain changes we wanted to make to how we related to each other. I didn't suddenly transform into a different character as a result of reading the site. I understood my own nature and my own desires better, but I didn't become someone different. Nor did my husband, though he certainly controls himself better now. We control ourselves better than we did, we relate to each other better than we did, but we are still essentialy the same people.
Once, years ago, my husband told me that he thought I was more interesting than other women, and I always held onto this thought in times when I was tormented by self-doubt, and wondering whether he would have been happier married to ao different kind of woman. I know he likes the fact that I now make more effort now with the things that he considers important, and that I pay more attention to his wishes generally, but essentialy I think he still likes me, and I don't think he wants me to be transformed into something different.
I wonder, do a lot of Taken In Hand women feel that their natures are completely different as a result of discovering this site? Do men also have their natures completely transformed by Taken In Hand? And are people generally happy with finding that their spouses are entirely different?
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#1 Being transformed
People do not suddenly totally change, obviously. However, sometimes, it can appear as though there is a dramatic change. What you have to understand is that a person who is not in the kind of relationship that she needs, can feel very bad, and that can make her (for example) behave badly, but when she is later in the kind of relationship she needs, it can appear to others as though she is a changed woman. In fact, she isn't at all, she is just the same person, but in a relationship that suits her as opposed to one that doesn't. (This all applies to men too, of course. I have seen a man completely transformed by a good relationship -- it completely blew my mind to see how different he seemed from how he had been in the years before he met his wife.)
Similarly, you can be one way in a relationship in which there is something not quite right, and another way when the two of you solve that problem. This can appear like a transformation in a person. But the person is not really changed in a deep sense, it just looks that way to others.
Finding happiness when things have been not quite right before, can do that. Finding Taken In Hand can do that, if you are the sort of person who has underlying Taken In Hand inclinations. The change for you might not appear that dramatic, Louise, but for another person it might appear much more dramatic. You are simply thinking of this in too superficial a way. It is perfectly possible for a strong, fiesty woman, for example, to appear to be transformed when the switch that turns on her deeply submissive core is switched on. Many deeply submissive women are generally powerful, strong, and so on. If you see such a woman when in a Taken In Hand relationship, she appears like a different person, but all that happened was that that Taken In Hand switch was switched on in her. That's it. No major modification of her at all, just one tiny difference that makes all the difference.
Your question simply underestimates the complexity of the human condition, and it underestimates wildly the potentially far-reaching effects of even tiny changes in the system.
#2 transformation
Louise, we also incorporated this dynamic into our relationship with new and very positive results but I would not say that I am a different person either. I didn't really expect to be and my husband would not have wanted that. Like you, he finds me a lot more interesting than a lot of woman. I am a complicated person, there is a lot to me and I could easily be considered high-maintenance. But in turn, he is never bored; I challenge his intellect and his sense of humor. He desires me after 22 years together.
What Taken in Hand has done is very much what it seems to have done for you. What I think is this, it is not so much that we are different but that how we see each other differently, we see our relationship differently, yet we are the fundamentally the same. We are allowing each other to be true to ourselves. In turn, we are kinder with each other. We listen to each other more. Petty frustrations disappear quickly. I would call it a paradigm shift.
#3 Growing
My experience is a bit different as we're in a newer relationship at mid-age. We have not conciously discussed a Taken In Hand relationship, but we certainly are in the pattern. I have changed much like the boss described that another side of you comes out when you are in a relationship that allows it to.
I have always been softer but can also be a real whirlwind when need be. Or when hormones shift. But he keeps surprising me by staying a step ahead and replying with his own brand of answers. This keeps me tremendously intrigued. And deeply satisifed that maybe, just maybe, I can truly relax in to who I am and not worry if he can handle it or not. He can.
#4 I am definitely not different
I am definitely not different. I am the same moody woman I have always been. The difference is that now my husband knows how to control my moods better. He knows how to get me to change my attitude within minutes. Because he asserts himself frequently I respect him more and we get along better. I haven't really changed. I have learned to submit to his leadership and he has learned to use it. We are basically the same just with more defined roles in the relationship. We are both happier this way too.
I don’t think either of us has changed, we are just working on being more defined in our roles because we both like it better this way.