Bridget, thank you, this is a wonderful account of growth and very inspirational. I would like to add that there was a time when I was the strong, ultra-independent woman and submitting was just not going to happen. You aptly described how I felt about cooking, a chore! I went through a period in which I also sought greater knowledge and understanding; to make a long story short, I purchased a very easy to read Bible and sifted through parts. I found peace and that I was not alone in my growth.

I am in a relationship with a strong minded man who very much believes in the traditional ways of relationships. That there are reasons why the sexes are truly different. There are certain tasks that are better suited to men vs. women just by nature of who we are created to be. Society has told us this isn't true, so it creates internal dissention sometimes.

I feel that my relationship with this man is part of my growth process. He has, through casual conversation and expression of his views, helped me to re-examine my own throughts. My learnings of submitting out of love, I can put in to practice on a greater basis now. Cooking, the traditional female art of which I am still learning, is no longer a chore. It is an action of caring and wanting to be sure he has the comfort and nutritional substance he needs.

Submitting out of love is really what the focus should be. Not the game-style of role playing. Your writings have captured the true essence of this AND it also reassures me that my path is also the right one for me. Somehow we just know when it's right, by the good feelings inside.

Right down to the stomach problems, I could've written your post. I am thankful that this site exists so that we can share and learn from each other.

I think that there are all things that we are called on to do that we don't want to do, but we submit and do them to keep the peace....but Louise, I wonder how do you feel inside about submitting mainly because your husband is dominant? I understand you enjoy that (me too) but do you feel peaceful inside? I am just curious. I find that it is easy for me to be angry if I do it "just because or else" but if I remind myself that it is out of love, then I feel more at peace inside. I feel totally within my element and place. Oh boy, that sounds soapy but it is true. I find my domestic work (at this stage of the game) to be more fulfilling then my business career in which I serve others for money. I gain more serving out of love.

The book is curious, also. Thanks for that info. I think back to what I know of my ancestors which dates to the turn of last century. Since they had larger families, I would think the women would have mainly tended to the kids and done the domestic routine while the men did the farming, or blacksmithing or whatever their occupations. Now, prior to and during the Depression, both spouses did whatever work could be had and no doubt shared family responsibilities. It was really not until post WWII that I think the roles became rigidly defined.

And then, the feminist backlash. I wonder though, if the movement made a big deal out of nothing or was it just the domestic roles of women in the '50's that created a stir?

Sometimes, I am ashamed that I do not live up to the standards my ancestors held. Hard work they did. The same tasks are made so much easier today from modern conveniences and yet I think they are still tiring.

I am thrilled that the man who I love is a traditionalist at heart. This may sound silly to some, but the more domestic I become, the more I feel connected to my ancestors. The women who truly could do it all and still find the energy to attend a Saturday night dance.

It doesn't work quite like that for me. I mean, I don't on the whole obey my husband because I am afraid of the consequences if I don't. What happens is if there is something I'm supposed to do that I am reluctant to do, I'll get told something like "You will do this, and I will not have you defying me" or "Who is the master here?" and I find that any spirit of definace collapses immediately and I feel quite compliant again. Likewise if I'm in a bad mood or sulky or something he'll just say something like "Having one of your little moments, are you?" or "Don't get funny with me, or you know what will happen", and I find that my bad mood just ebbs away. It's not so much that I do things for fear of the consequences, as that my husband is able, quite easily, to banish any feeling of defiance or resistance and make me want to do as I'm told.

This is slightly different from how I envisiged it being at the beginning of our Taken In Hand relationship. I was so surprised and grateful when my husband seemed to understand what I wanted, and to be willing to try it, that I was sure that I was going to be a model of domestic compliance and would happily do everything he told me to do and never argue with him or get annoyed about anything. The tide of gratitude carried me along for a while as I threw myself into domesticity with increased enthusiasm if not competence. However, the glow soon wore off and I found to my dismay that I could still be sulky or resentful if told to do something, or told off for not having done something I was supposed to. That my husband was not in the least disturbed by this, but just took it in his stride, was a big surprise to me, but a very pleasant one. He just assumes that it is his job to make me behave myself.

This in fact is what he is supposed to be doing from a 'traditional' point of view. In Gillis's other book "For Better or Worse: British Marriages 1600 to the Present", he points out that the man was supposed to be able to keep order in the home. If a man was known to have a nagging or adulterous wife, social disapproval tended to be directed more at him than at her, because he was seen to have failed to keep his wife in order. In much the same way I suppose that nowadays people say "I blame the parents" when they talk about unruly or problem children, a badly behaved wife was seen as a failure on her husband's part to control her properly. Although I am not by inclination either nagging or adulterous, I can be very temperemental, and I find it intensely pleasurable when my husband is able to override these rebellious feelings and make me compliant again.

Although very far from being a domestic goddess, I am quite happy to stay at home with the children, and whether women were really so desperately unhappy with the 'traditional' role I don't know.My mother and all her friends were stay-at-home wives, and they mostly seemed to be quite happy with their lives. I don't subscribe to the notion that one must have a job outside the home in order to be happy, I found many of the jobs I had quite boring, and although being a housewife is not the world's most exciting occupation, I personally think it beats being stuck in some dreary office or factory. I can stop and take a break whenever I like, do things in any order I feel like, go out and come back when I like. Being a housewife undoubtedly has less prestige than it used to, but then modern conveniences mean that most things are easier to do now. If you are happy to settle for less esteem in return for less hard work (I am) then you don't have a problem. Women who hanker for a role that will bring them more prestige have a problem which I don't.

Louise

Thank you for your feedback, it really makes me glad I wrote in, just based on your feedback alone. I'm so thankful for the boss C, website master/creator for being able to edit my thoughts without losing the essence of what I really wanted to say. She is amazing! This site is amazing! It's funny how far-reaching being this type of submissive woman goes. It's a glorious feeling that I am finally able to be my full loving self to my husband and to others. God's purpose and plan! I've reached out in the lightness and can extend myself to others that I wasn't as capable or inclined to before. Like yesterday we had a new neighbor move in across the street. Normally I would just be curious (a little gawking out my window to survey them like a curious cat) but I was inspired to leave flowers for them and welcome them to the neighborhood with a casual open invitation to say hello. It left me feeling probably better than receiving the flowers myself. It's a million little things like this that makes every day a fresh and exciting day. Just that mentality of "what can I do for those around me" husband first, always of course... Take care and God Bless!

Tell him you need him to be dominant and then show him the Taken In Hand website. He may have the potential to be dominant but may be trying to act in the “politically correct way”, and he may be concerned that you might act even worse and maybe even leave him.