I'm with you, Louise, and Tevemer, who wrote Is it a mistake to spank when angry? Waiting until the man has completely cooled down seems to me to defeat part of the object of the spanking. Doing it in the heat of the moment provides relief and reconnects the couple in a way that doing it cold, later, might not, or might not always.

The idea of the man never spanking when angry is a bit concerning to me. It brings to mind the idea of a man who is so out of control that he might injure the woman unless he calms down first. I'd think twice before hitching up with such a man. A man who wants to take a woman in hand should have enough self-control that even if he does spank the woman when he is furious, he doesn't end up injuring her.

Of course no one is, not even men!

I'd prefer honest anger to some sort of supercilious superior attitude. A tearing rage could be dangerous though.

"Pat"

I always like your posts, Louise. I don't always agree but people are as different as Taken In Hand relationships can be from each other. I come at this from the BDSM angle and I'm not particularly into physical punishment other than as an erotic act. That sounds too bald a statement.... I suppose when I've ceded control to a man I am happy that he can if he thinks it best physically punish me but I would be disappointed if that were often used as I don't personally find it a particularly effective way to change behaviour in someone who is keen to please anyway. I prefer communication and I don't like muddying the waters between what's done for fun or simply because he enjoys doing it to me (..when there is a he which there isn't at the moment) and it's his decision to do it at random without needing any pretext and real punishment. So I would not want someone who physically touched me at all when angry (it's when most domestic violence ensues all over the world) but if it all works fine for you that's great. Most dominant men make sure they've calmed down otherwise they risk damage I think to the woman.

My views might be coloured by my ex husband getting very angry (not that he ever dominated me or wanted to) and being physically agressive. That kind of thing is completely out of order and nothing to do with D/S/Taken In Hand.

It seems to me that when I am in a Taken In Hand relationship, I would want the man to spank me in anger, but obviously in the controlled, safe way that others describe here. I mean, it only makes sense that he would be angry about something I had done, and his spanking me would be an outlet for his anger as well as a way of reestablishing his authority and dominance. I tend to have a rebellious streak, and I know that I could use a reassertion of dominance, probably more often in the beginning. But I think that Louise's experience - of feeling more submissive after a spanking - would certainly be my experience.

Sharon

PS - My legal name is the boss, and I am in the process of transitioning from Sharon to the boss. So for a few posts, I will type Sharon AKA the boss, and in a week or so, I will be simply the boss...

I suspect that being spanked will help to release my pent up emotions. I tend to hold things in tightly and then things just burst out of me in an uncontrollable fashion. Perhaps spanking would help with that?

Sharon/the boss

What about a man taking the authority of spanking you to help you release what's bottled up inside? Is it a cathatic experience?

I have noticed some alluding to this here and there among posts. Sometimes I will bottle up and just change the topic entirely not addressing the problem. Do you ever do that? Are you ever spanked to help you to release the pent up emotions you simply can not or refuse to otherwise talk out? Does this feel healthy? Do you ever then feel overly emotionally dependent on your SO and is that ok, though?

We do this but this isn't really the way it happens. When I get upset, I have a real tendency to bottle it up and turn it inward or let it stew until I am so angry that I just rage at him or pick fights or whatever. He used to just withdraw in response knowing that trying to engage me did no good or only resulted in me sniping at him.

This is how it used to be before and one of the things that led us to Taken In Hand. Now when I get in that mood, he will sense it and rather than walking away will ask me what is wrong. I generally tell him that talking will do no good so never mind. Well, that is not a response I am supposed to make any more (and I am working on not doing it, too, lol) so then he will tell me that it sounds like I need a spanking. At this point, I usually say something really pissy like "whatever, that's not my decision is it?" (Personally, I think it's a real accomplishment of self-control since what I want to say is "what I *need* is for you to mind your own damn business!" That would have worked pre-Taken In Hand, now it would just get me redder than a stop sign, LOL) That's usually enough to earn me a spanking right there and it works out great because then my emotions (whatever they are) get released and so do his and we always have romping good sex afterward.

That's one of the beauties of our relationship now. When I get pissy for whatever reason (hormones or whatever) I don't have to watch what I say. I can let go and he won't go away, he will just deal with it and we end up closer and it doesn't take three days of silence and then a knockdown drag out. It just takes an hour or so of spanking and it's all done. Yay.

o*

Speaking as one who was spanked in anger by my exceptionally sweet and usually very careful hubby, I think there's a fair reason for the "don't spank in anger" message.

He was swinging hard and missed. Hit my lower back pretty hard, and stopped immediately when he saw what happened. No, it wasn't abuse, no it wasn't maliciousness or a careless attitude. It was a heated moment and an inch's slip makes for a lot of pain. It won't kill me, it didn't even hurt for very long, but it could have been worse. Sometimes you need to cool down a bit...

Z.

Sybarite is a word. The Concise Oxford Dictionary says it is an adjective or a noun, meaning luxurious and voluptuous (originally a native of Sybaris in Southern Italy, noted for luxury).

I have been thinking about whether I am a sybarite, but I'm not quite sure. I can feel quite luxurious and voluptuous sometimes, and being spanked really hard is one of the things most likely to make me feel that way. Spanking is something my husband started doing because he knew I wanted him to, and it was my idea that he should use it for punishment if he was annoyed about something I'd done (or not done). I never actually thought about the possibility of him hurting me too much, it just never occured to me.

It may be a D/S rule that you don't spank someone when you're angry with them, but if so then I personally think that people are missing out on something that can be very satisfying, at least it is for me and my husband. Being spanked never hurts me as much as being shouted at used to.

Even though you may feel equally angry, do you ever feel that by submitting to him, you feel like you are going through some kind of obedience training...for lack of better word? Do you ever fear, not him, but the authority that he wields...like you better listen, or else? I wouldn't trade this whole thing for going head to head with anger and the damage that can create...but more and more it seems he is showing his leadership and I am complying without thinking twice where once I would've said "stick it". I know it is outside the supposed "norm" of today's equal society but I am so much happier this way.

I agree that if a man is beside himself with anger then there is a risk of things getting completely out of control and even dangerous - not to mention the loss of the controlled salutary lesson on the woman's part.

I am lucky in that when Tim chooses to punish me, he allows himself to calm down and have a brief cooling off before he deals with me. Clearly, for a wife to deserve punishment, she must have caused anger in some measure, but in our relationship, Tim can modify that anger - moderate it - into stern and loving control. I benefit from it by learning from the lesson of the chastisement and by his little lecture he gives before and then after the spanking.

For example, we had some friends around to dinner the other night. Tim has a great sense of humour but I made a remark about his golf ability which - as I said it - I realised was rather cruel and cutting. As our friends are also into golf, I realised that my remarks about his handicap were insensitive and mean. After the dinner guests had gone, he told me off and that should have been enough but I added to the bad atmosphere by accusing him of being too precious.

I realised that this was wrong and he was very angry. He then reminded me that respect for him was my duty and that not only had I humiliated him in front of our guests but that I was now answering back. In the context of our relationship, having agreed to submit to him totally, he said that I should immediately go upstairs and not dare to say another word.

I think that the intervening few minutes were time for Tim to cool down and deal with me rationally. I was upstairs and crying, so ashamed of myself and h hurt I had caused. Tim came up and sat me on his knee and explained that he had thought about my behaviour and that this was a spanking matter. I was still tearful and we talked it through and I agreed that I needed to be reminded of his feelings by a sharp lesson.

Tim undressed me totally and spanked me hard and I then sat at his feet as he lovingly stroked my hair and naked back and told me that he would always love me but that respect for him must be given. Respect, he explained was the basis of love. I listened to his little lecture and yes, he was right.

Rudeness and insensitivity had cost me a reddening, but the issue had been dealt with. No brooding - just a firming of our relationship and a deepening into consensual submission for me.

I received my first spanking in anger the other day and I must say I preferred it. Moods in my home when angry tend to drag on and on. Now that we have discovered DD and Taken In Hand my husband decided to spank me when I really pissed him off. I did tend to fight this a little more than I do normally because I too was in a bad mood. He hit much harder than normal and there was no lecture at all. He seemed to be concentrating on giving my bottom the attention he thought it deserved.

The result was that he took his agression out on my backside and his mood was lifted. He didn't sulk like he normally does. The misdeed wasn't mentioned over and over again throughout the day which was a pleasant surprise.

I can tolerate the sore bottom as opposed to the crabbiness anytime. The only thing was the after in this punishment. He made me sit on the couch and he left. There was no cuddling or comforting this time. Later there was but I sat quietly till he came back down with a smile on his face. Then he made me correct what I had done and it was over. Normally in my home that could have led to days of us not speaking. It was over in a brief time and we both felt better.

So as long as he keeps his temper in check I myself don't mind being spanked out of anger. The end results seem to be much more to my betterment and it increases the happiness of the home.

Kathy