Making it explicit versus keeping it implicit

I have recently become involved with a woman who enjoys having a strong man in her life – someone who will treat her with respect, yet not be afraid to provide (and enforce) boundaries where they are needed. Knowing that she would not be happy with a man who could not do this, she was brave enough to tell me upfront what it was she was looking for. As a result, I found myself looking at my role in a relationship in a different light. Previously, rather than explicitly define expectations, I simply acted the way that felt natural to me in a relationship. Some women reacted favourably; others did not.

With hindsight, I realise that I was always a bit dominant. At no time did I take my partners in hand (something I now regret – the perils of cultural conditioning, you know) – I just acted according to my own internal rules, as felt proper to me at the time (protective and respectful, yet in charge; always keeping my given word, etc.). But my current partner has explicit ideas about what she wants, and this has made me do a lot of thinking. This focus on what my partner is looking for has allowed me to examine what it is I myself want, and why previous relationships ultimately felt unfulfilled.

It dawned on me that in any relationship where there is not a clear understanding of what each partner wants, we are, at best, groping in the dark. While that can be fun in its own right, if what you want is unconventional, you are less likely to get it if you are not clear about it. Being honest with ourselves (and also our partners) can have enormous benefits. For a start, once you start making what you want explicit, that gets you and your partner thinking and talking about it. That opens the lines of communication and increases the level of intimacy you share. Another thing we've found (we are still in the early stages of explorinig!) is that talking about what we want helps us get a better understanding of exactly what we like and don't like. It also helps us explore our likes and dislikes more fully. Once you state a want explicitly, you and your partner can then think about it and discuss it, go further into it and decide it's not for you after all. Or maybe you'll find that it's just the tip of the iceberg and there's a whole new world to explore in that direction.

Talking about what you want is not without risks of course – but if you do not feel able to take risks with the person you are sharing your life with, with whom will you take those risks? Nobody? You only get one life – do not waste a day of it. (Errm. Unless you believe in re-incarnation, that is. In which case, you probably have quite a few lifetimes to play with and get lots of practice in. Ouch.)

One risk of making things explicit is that you might define fixed unchangeable roles that you will eventually find restricting and boring. So it's important to stay aware of this risk and avoid getting stuck in a rigid role that won't bring you long-term fulfilment. It's a balancing act between making things explicit and keeping your relationship moving forward. Keep talking, but keep your relationship dynamic too.

Of course, all the above sounds easy till you try to put it into practice. In practice, it's sometimes not so easy to state what you want, and people change their minds too. You have to factor that into the equation. And the fact that there are whole threads on Taken In Hand about how to tell your partner reveals how nervous many people feel about talking about this. What is equally revealing is that most of these articles seem to be based on the woman telling her man. Do not forget the man however: when all is said and done, if he misinterprets the signs from a woman, he could easily end up on an assault charge.

This brings us to the key point about making things explicit versus keeping it implicit. For a relationship to be anything other than abusive, genuine consent must be given freely. Consent is less clear in a relationship in which one person is dominant but this has not been discussed explicitly. So women wanting a man to take them in hand would be well advised to be explicit in giving their consent, to avoid a situation in which their partner fears to act because he is unsure he has consent.

It may sound odd to some, but to me it is important that whilst the man and the woman are not the same, and the man is the head of the household, they are still equal partners in the relationship. I like feminine women – but both partners are of equal value and of equal importance within the relationship. If they are not equal, how could there be proper consent? Consent must be freely given. Similarly, partners must both be equally able to withdraw their consent at a later date, if they decide that the relationship is not for them.

Becoming more explicit about what you want can help in forming a stable, respectful relationship. It can also be fun, sexy, and very interesting! Try it: you might find you learn a lot about yourself.

Random

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Who says you have to be submissive?
What kind of site is this? D/s? TPE? CP? DD? ABCD?
What I get out of it
If I asked for the moon...
Is he who (or where) he says he is?
Out of control, insane, driven by our emotions? No way!
I want it all, and I want it now!
The coming battle
When rape is a gift
The erotic power of real control

2003 Dec 22 - 12:27 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

explicit consent

I actually wrote a contract, giving my consent for spankings that I wouldn't want at the time they were happening. My contract might not hold up in court, and I didn't write it with that in mind. I wrote it to make things very explicit between us.

One reason this was difficult for me is that since my teen years, in all my many, many fantasies about being taken in hand by whoever I was in love with, explaining and giving consent was never part of the fantasy. And part of me always wished things could unfold just like my fantasies. But alas, this is the real world, and the men here are real, too.

Melanie

by Melanie on 2003 Dec 22 - 23:35 | reply to this comment

Definitely explicit consent

Bravo Random! You have managed to capture the essence of what makes ANY true relationship successful: communication of needs and a clear understanding of expectations that are agreed upon by both parties. There is a hesitation to address these issues upfront I suppose because of the fear of rejection that most of us carry around. It would be nice if we didn't have to actually verbalize some of these concepts to our partner...they should just *know* what we want, right? Unfortunately we are more often telepathetic than telepathic and we have to put it out there and reduce the risk of misconceptions that might crop up.

You also nailed it quite succinctly when you spoke about accepting the risks involved; where there is no risk there are few rewards and if you want to have a relationship with this person, don’t you (as the boss put it) want it all? I know I do.

I also liked your views on the consent issue, since this is one of the crucial points for me. Frank Nelson has addressed it before as well and it bears repeating that without consent (and sometimes that consent needs to be *very* explicit ladies),

a man’s self control is at odds with his societal conditioning and his interpretation of what his partner really wants. BTW I’m putting this into the POV of a Man as the Dominant person in the relationship on purpose instead of choosing the gender neutral alternatives. There may well be men reading this page who want (or need) to be taken in hand and that is all well and good, but in our western society, a woman who spanks a man would still likely be treated differently than a man spanking a woman if there was a major consent gap. Or as you put it: [Do not forget the man however: when all is said and done, if he misinterprets the signs from a woman, he could easily end up on an assault charge.]

If the woman has chosen her man wisely and been open and communicative, he will respond in kind. That is when these ideas can be explored and you can really get a sense of interest or lack thereof. I admit that it has been a different road for me since I was the one who introduced the idea of erotic spanking to my wife, whereas the majority of couples posting on this list seem to have come at it through the lady’s desire to be taken in hand. Sometimes I still feel that Sam is putting up with what she sees as “my thing” to please me instead of because it is something she needs or requires, but then I see a certain light in her eyes when she’s anticipating some action that tells me different. The men you ladies are reaching out to may also start out agreeing to your request in order to humour you, but if your response to their attentions is honest and heartfelt, I think you will see their interest level rise quickly.

Thanks again Random

Regards,
Howard Frank

by Howard Frank on 2003 Dec 23 - 18:53 | reply to this comment

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