Loving, supportive and kind control

In a relationship with a woman, I have a compelling need and desire to maintain pervasive control. But it is not domineering or oppressive. And I have no desire to micromanage my woman's life. In fact, this constant energy is rather subtle, and it is also full of kindness and its focus is her well-being. But it is absolute, and she and I always know it and feel it. It is conveyed by every look and every touch. And my woman experiences this active control constantly. It is a tingle of potential, an absolute certainty that I have the power to do whatever I want whenever I want.

From within it comes the nurturing and the spoiling, and my absolute delight in enabling the woman I love to achieve all of her ambitions and dreams and become more with me than she ever could have without me. And from within it comes all of the intensity that she can handle.

And while I am quite decisive and firm, it is always open to my woman to change my mind through a compelling argument supported by objective evidence. (I am rational, after all!) But becoming angry, and yelling or crying, or becoming petulant and sulky would never affect my decision, and could only lead to a spanking.

But, most of the time, the woman with whom I am in a relationship is able to get whatever she wants whenever she wants simply by telling me or showing me that it would make her happy.

I need to be in control, I need intensity and, most importantly, I need for my woman to be happy. And I need to be the reason for her happiness.

I need for her to always come to me for acceptance, understanding and support, regardless of the circumstances or the situation. And I need the reason for this to be that I have consistently shown her that doing so will always make everything better. This gives many a man a sense of power, but for me it has nothing to do with power. Instead, it brings me joy because I am bringing peace and security into her life. And, more than any other factor, it validates me as a man.

I bend my woman to my will only in ways that are important to me, or that excite or please me. There is none of the nonsense of doing something arbitrary just to show her that I can.

That I could if I wanted to is a foregone conclusion, which is reinforced constantly in reality. But the details are like a dance in which we respond to each other from moment to moment. And I am always looking to respond to her needs of the moment. But the choice is not hers and she is compelled to obey, and that is the key. In that sense, being stripped and then given a bubble bath followed by a sensual massage in a room full of scented candles involves being controlled as much as being stripped and then whipped. But, depending on her mood, she might resist one more than the other. :-)

If she were not feeling well and needed to rest for her own good, she would have to submit to being waited on hand and foot, even though I suspect that her natural inclination is to keep going until she becomes quite ill. But, again, I wouldn’t give her that choice.

In a relationship, I take my woman and use her for pleasure in various ways quite frequently. And, perhaps, forcing her to reveal herself through all of the ways in which she can be brought to wild abandon puts her under my control even more than merely throwing her on the bed, ripping her clothes off and... .

John

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2006 Apr 11 - 13:26 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Loving supportive and kind control

John, that was very well expressed. I think there is a certain sort of man ilke that and a couple I have been out with, who is like this. It is also what some women like too. For as long as I can remember I've always been more interested in that kind of control/power exchange type of relationship than the physical mechanics of what a dominant man might do to a woman. It's the mind set that counts and when the two - man and woman - match I can tell you it is so easy and so natural a lot of the time if you're that way inclined.

by Hera on 2006 Apr 11 - 18:26 | reply to this comment

Trusting

John wrote: "I need for her to always come to me for acceptance, understanding and support, regardless of the circumstances or the situation."

It sounds like such a secure position for a woman to be in. I am just curious as to how you have found women respond to this need you have? For example, it is difficult for a woman who has been hurt in previous relationships to let herself go this far in to trusting. I personally think it sounds like such a relief to be able to trust so deeply and to know that you will be accepted and supported always.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Apr 12 - 01:42 | reply to this comment

Grateful for a man like this

I am involved with a man who lives by the same code that John describes. He is the leader of the relationship, certainly, and I yield to his decisions in most things. But the relationship continuously unfolds around his desire to make me feel secure, happy, and empowered. We even have a shorthand phrase for it. When he takes a situation in hand to give me something I desire, he looks me in the eye and says, "Need.....FILLED!". It makes me smile. He knows he is doing for me....it's his joy and duty; and it is mine to expect good things, and to allow him to bring me security and pleasure.

After being in a marriage where I yearned and fought to be understood and respected for my feminine needs, and wherein the man didn't care to learn what a woman needed to feel loved and secure, this relationship is like crawling out of a dark cave and stepping into a bright and soaring cathedral.

Cicely

by Cicely1 on 2006 Apr 12 - 15:21 | reply to this comment

Reply to “Trusting”

I am just curious as to how you have found women respond to this need you have? For example, it is difficult for a woman who has been hurt in previous relationships to let herself go this far in to trusting.

Now that I think about it, there never seemed to be lines at which a woman made decisions to trust. Trust just seemed to appear bit by bit as doubt was eroded away.

Or, to put it another way, because I would have been delighted to help her with only the tiniest steps forever, we never really noticed just how big they were gradually becoming.

Giving acceptance, understanding and support is a joy for me, so I would do it whenever I got the slightest opportunity. And I would never dismiss any issue as unimportant.

Looking back, I can see that uncertainty accompanied early tentative steps. But tension and hesitancy would start to diminish as fear was replaced by positive expectations.

And there would be no single point at which her attitude changed from “please don’t hurt me” to “make things better.”

But, somewhere along the way, seemingly without even realizing it, she would start thinking of “better” as the only possible outcome.

And that, for me, was the greatest gift of all.

by John on 2006 Apr 12 - 20:16 | reply to this comment

Trust and discipline equals success

I totally agree with the word 'better'. Before my husband and I practised discipline, he often went to bed feeling angry and would turn away from me. Even in the morning his mood was still there, simmering. But now, after a good bout of hard spanking, we make up and he goes to bed feeling much better. I too enjoy this as I fall asleep in his arms knowing that the matter has been resolved. We are much closer as a couple too. I trust him implicitly to deal with the matter firmly but not abusively and have found that trust and discipline equals success in our marriage.

by Cherryl on 2006 Apr 19 - 19:56 | reply to this comment

I identify...

A lot of what you are saying strikes a chord in me. I remember one time with my ex, she was supposed to be going out of town but her ride left without her. She fell all to pieces. I picked everything up and got her where she had to be, when she had to be there. I know that when she isn't with me she would have handled it and wouldn't have fallen apart like that, so I asked her about it afterwards... And she told me that she didn't have to worry about it, cause she knew that I would fix it... I know that is a little more concrete than what was being discussed, but I think that it is applicable.

by Blizzisme on 2006 Apr 22 - 13:58 | reply to this comment

Trusting

I am just curious as to how you have found women respond to this need you have? For example, it is difficult for a woman who has been hurt in previous relationships to let herself go this far in to trusting.

I agree with John's excellent reply to this but I would like to look at a different detail of the same picture.

I think in the above scenario the onus of being able to trust is on the woman. I am not talking about whether the man is trustworthy or not. If he isn't she shouldn't trust him, pretty simply. What I am talking about is when a woman has been hurt for whateever reason, her ability to trust again is her responsibility but once she gains that she is only then able to discover a man who is worthy of the trust she is willing to give him.

In another detail, I think when a woman makes the choice to trust with her whole heart this allows the kind of control John is talking about, a very real intimate control that is both powerful in its form and deep in its substance. My own partner has written about this form of control, intimate control, which by virtue of her conscious choice has given her a way to free her soul to our relationship and allowed us both to love with a depth and a passion that would otherwise not be possible. This interaction is of course in equal balance and my choice has allowed me to free myself completely as well.

Passion and love and deep intimacy are only some of the elements possible with the power of choice. It is really up to the individual but without the ability or willingness to trust with our whole hearts, it simply does not seem possible to develop a deep intimate bond with the woman I will call my wife.

Frank Nelson

by Frank Nelson on 2006 Apr 23 - 22:21 | reply to this comment

Trust

Hello Frank:

You are quite right. A woman who has been hurt badly enough will have a very hard time trusting.

Someone very close to me was sexually abused by her father, and one of her biggest issues is that she is afraid that she can't trust the person she is involved with. She's afraid to be vulnerable and the world feels like a hostile, frightening place to her. It is one of the primary reasons she hasn't found a happy relationship in her entire life - she's now in her early fifties. When she has relationships, she is unhappy in them because she chooses "safe" men. Men she knows are deeply in love with her and very passive so there will be no chance of getting hurt again. Men she herself is not deeply in love with - in fact, she's confided to me that she needs a strong man to lead, but is caught in a trap because she can't risk loving too deeply - she's afraid of betrayal and perhaps abuse...

I've no idea if my friend will ever be able to have a deep relationship and it saddens me...

While the onus is on the woman, sometimes, for reasons outside of her control, a psychologically wounded woman may be unable to trust, even though she deeply needs to do it in order to be happy in a relationship.

ML

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Apr 24 - 02:05 | reply to this comment

It Takes A Strong Man To Help A Woman Trust Again

"without the ability or willingness to trust with our whole hearts, it simply does not seem possible to develop a deep intimate bond with the woman I will call my wife."

Frank, that is very well said. And yes, it makes sense that we must accept the responsibility within themselves, to trust.

On the other hand, ML said "a psychologically wounded woman may be unable to trust, even though she deeply needs to do it in order to be happy in a relationship".

This is also very, very true. I can speak of it personally (as probably a lot of us can).

However, since meeting my current partner, I have learned that while it is hard to let go of the protective net cast around emotions, slowly and certainly, I have allowed myself the freedom to begin trusting. And freedom it is!

One of the main reasons is because of how my partner is.
He seems to be able to sense and see defense mechanisms and while he listens to expressions of such, he takes charge. He is not concerned with how I may hold back, he has his own strength and doesn't back away...and that keeps me very interested.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Apr 24 - 18:39 | reply to this comment

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