Dealing with a man who doesn't do as he's told

There is a very interesting discussion on this thread, about how to talk to men. In the article which introduced the discussion, Melanie wrote:

He just doesn't do stuff I need him to do. I need him to do “R” so that I can do “S, T, U, and V.” I'm stuck and I can't move on until he does this one thing. I ask nicely. He forgets about it. I write it down. He puts the paper aside and forgets about it. He has a million important things to do. I'm trying to be a sweet, submissive, happy, non-nagging wife. But damn it, I can't get on with my important stuff until he does this one thing. And I can't just do everything. I don't think being submissive means doing all the housework, all the yard work, all the maintenance, all the child care, all the business tasks, all the financial management, and so on, without any help, does it? When I try to do everything, I feel like a slave and a doormat, and I get very unhappy and stressed out, and it doesn't all get done anyway. My frustration mounts, and I feel that he doesn't love me. Finally, I explode.

To avoid going mad with frustration, if I were in this situation, I'd do the following:

Question the idea that you need him to do x before you can do y. Any time your happiness depends on someone else doing something they often don't do, you are going to be unhappy.

I think that people do not respond well to being reminded to do things. I hate it when people do that to me. I don't even like being asked to do something once, never mind over and over again! It makes me feel like a servant, slave, or recalcitrant child. Similarly, I personally couldn't stand feeling that I have to nag, or being expected to remind a man to do something. I would just not go there. It would make me feel like the man's mother or nagging wife. It would kill my desire for the man. No way! It is not going to happen.

Don't let yourself be put in that position! Solve the problem yourself instead. That will make you feel empowered and peaceful. For example, suppose you have been asking and asking your man to change the washer on one of the taps (faucets) because the dripping noise is really beginning to annoy you, and he hasn't done it.

For a start, I would only ever ask once, but anyway, if I were in this situation, what would I do? I'd most likely let my hypothetical husband know that I'd asked the rather nice man next door to come and do it for me. ;-) Or I'd find an odd-job man to come and do it. Or I might take my hypothetical husband's tool box and attempt to work out how to do it myself (perhaps while my husband was waiting for his dinner or waiting to use the bathroom!). What I would never do would be to ask him again and again to do something – not ever! There has got to be a better way – a way which does not feel like nagging, would not be destructive, and would not leave you feeling like throwing things.

A book that you might possibly find helpful is Laura Doyle's The Surrendered Wife. She addresses the problem of doing too much, and advocates what she calls “self care” instead of trying to get your man to do what you think he should.

But the book I particularly recommend in this connection is Getting Through To The Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide For Women, by Michele Weiner-Davis. In it, she presents “male-friendly” ways of solving precisely the sort of problem Melanie has raised. She suggests, amongst other things, that you stop nagging and start taking action. She talks about doing something different. Actually, there are all sorts of highly practical strategies and ideas in it. The title of the hardback was A Woman's Guide To Changing Her Man – without his even knowing it but it is really about changing yourself. It is very empowering, fun to read, and manages to be both sympathetic to the woman and absolutely not man-bashing. Well worth reading!

Best of luck!

the boss

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Equality isn't all it's cracked up to be
What if it doesn't come naturally?
Does being submissive mean not saying what you think?
Taken In Hand relationships are hot and close
Could micromanagement work for you, too?
Virtues of the lowly switch
Linguistically submissive
Happy living in fear of a man?
Is this a victory?
Liberated through submission

2003 Dec 17 - 14:06 | add new comment | latest article | previous article | next article |

Don't tell me what to do

I do NOT like being told what to do. I don't believe many men do. When somebody tells me what to do, my natural reaction is to do the opposite, even if I'd wanted to do that thing in the first place.

the boss --

Could you say more about the Weiner-Davis book? It sounds like it might be worth reading but can you say more?

Bill P.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Dec 21 - 13:31 | reply to this comment

Don't tell me what to do

I have been visiting this site a couple of weeks now. This letter points out what seems to me to be a problem in the "wife takeninhand scenario." Doing what one is supposed to do seems a one way street--the wife better do it. The husband...?

I do not remember reading on any threads about any husband being "takeninhand" for not being the man of the house, one who helps as well as heads. This guy, the "He forgets about it. I write it down. He puts the paper aside and forgets about it." husband needs a bit of correction himself. Perhaps that's what he's asking for by forgetting.

I would respectfully ask him for a planning session that included delineation of consequences for BOTH of you if either is not taking care of his or her responsibility. Many men want to be an "equal partner" in some rspects as well as head of the house. Perhaps Mr. Forgetful is one of those. Six of the best with a paddle that's only for him on the bare may dramatically improve his memory.

Or, negotiate a "honey do " time that does not vary from week to week. During that time he does what you need and cannot do yourself. You leave him alone to do it and only assist if HE ASKS for help. Here, some kind of consequence for the 'forgetful one' seems mandatory to me. How do you fare when you are too forgetful?

As you can tell, I am in favor of consequences for the 'top' as well as the 'bottom,' for the husband as well as the wife, for the head as well as the helpmeet when he's "not doing his duty around the house."

by mjbbjm on 2004 Oct 10 - 23:15 | reply to this comment

not doing what he's told

One way to handle this kind of guy is to choose a time together, a 2-3 hour block of time, every week and during that time he does what needs to be done as requested. Since this is a disciplinary hoiusehold of some kind, the consequences of not taking care of his responsibilities are set out from the start. Then hold him to the alloted time and the consequences.

by mjbbjm on 2004 Oct 11 - 13:16 | reply to this comment

Both are asking what each can be doing for themselves.

Both are asking what each can be doing for themselves. Let him cook his own meals and change the washer if you need it changed.

Whose meal is it? Who should cook it?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Nov 30 - 04:08 | reply to this comment

Spanking

Our successful marriage is based on the Dorothy Spencer Consensual Spanking Plan. This is a two way plan that stops arguments in its tracks. It's not often that the plan has to be put into operation, but it's there, which in itself acts as a deterrent. Why should the wife be spanked if not the husband when he too is equally able to be thoughtless, careless and occasionally naughty?

by J and T on 2006 Mar 16 - 17:46 | reply to this comment

Why should the wife be spanked and not the husband?

No reason at all really, except that in our case I find being spanked emotionally and physically satisfying, and my husband doesn't. If he's annoyed with me about something then "taking it out on your bottom" as he puts it, gives both of us satisfaction and makes both of us feel better about whatever it is. If my husband, on the other hand, has done something that upsets me, I have no desire to spank him at all, and he has no desire to be spanked. If he has upset me he apologises, and that's enough for me. Fortunately, though, this is a very rare occurence these days.

I have a very strong need to feel that my husband is in control of the situation, and if I felt I could spank him any time I wanted to, like he does me, that would destroy a lot of the pleasure and excitement I get from our relationship. It's not about him being better than me, it's about fulfilling our mutual needs. My very strong need is to preserve the status quo. In 'Thy Rod and Staff' Edward Anthony, discussing the Spencer spanking plan said he thought it never caught on in a big way because "Two way discipline with the same partner works against the flow of hierarchy that is a vital part of dominant-submissive relationships, consensual or otherwise."

by Louise C on 2006 Mar 16 - 18:40 | reply to this comment

Getting Husband to Do Something

I am new to these pages and just read this complaint and the excellent reply.

As to the original complaint, I agree that you need to look at what you want him to do and see if you can't do you own work anyway. You can also respectfully ask him to do it and explain why without complaining. Or ask if it's something you can do or something he would teach you to do. I have learned to use all sorts of tools, and it's good to be able to do all sorts of new things.

Just my two cents, adjusted for inflation....

[For the rest of this post, see How to get stuff done around the house without nagging - The Editor]

by mouseybabe on 2008 Feb 13 - 16:34 | reply to this comment

hoh on what grounds?

and he is head of the household ...because...???
because he demonstrates *judgement* as to be able to know when something is needed of him?
because he demonstrates *ability* to do what is needed of him?
because he demonstrates *concern* for anyone who needs help with something?
because he is intelligent enough to *discriminate* between being a s k e d to do something and manipulated into doing it?
what the heck is he head of the household for?
..for newspaper reading privileges?
It is the kind of men that is described in the question that is laughable. And this taken in hand idea instead of making them better at understanding and taking responsibility, sanctifies their aloofness and intransigence. The reader who said give him six of the best was to the point.

by mellissande on 2008 Mar 20 - 00:17 | reply to this comment

another approach

How about something like this:

"My dear, I am having a problem and I am not sure what to do about it. I was hoping you could help me figure it out. I need to do S, T, U and V, but I can't do them until R is done. R isn't one of the things I have jurisdiction over, so I'm kinda stuck for now."

by LL on 2010 Mar 28 - 04:48 | reply to this comment

I like your approach, LL. I r

I like your approach, LL. I really believe there should be consequences- even if the wife have to suggest things like "should I get a handyman to do it instead of you, then you can pay him?"
---
And the following is just a joke, not a recommendation:

She: Dear, will you please fix the leaky faucet?
He: Does these hands (he holds out his hands) look like a plumber's hands?

She: Dear, will you please mow the lawn?
He: Does these hands look like a gardener's hands?

A day later, he comes home and find all the chores are done.
He: Who cut the grass? Who fixed the faucet?
She: Our neighbor.
He: And what did he want for it?
She: He said I could either bake him a cake, or sleep with him.
He: So you baked a cake for him. Did you bake a second one for us too?
She: Does these hands look like a baker's hands?

by cyberbunny on 2010 Aug 15 - 14:43 | reply to this comment

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