Is your new man dominant, domineering, or a dithering wimp?

If you are in a new relationship, or have yet to find a man, and you want to be with a man who is lovingly dominant, you might like to consider the following advice:

  1. Don't waste time with someone who does not appear to have potential. To avoid doing this, set yourself clear time frames and criteria by which to judge whether there is progress/potential. Don't spend a year coming to the conclusion that he is about as dominant as a frightened rabbit.
  2. Be very careful you don't end up with someone domineering instead of dominant, or controlling instead of having the ability to control in a consensual way, or someone physically abusive instead of someone who takes you in hand.
  3. Be very aware of how he responds to dissent on your part. If you feel genuinely unhappy about something, does he listen to your concerns? Does he make you feel heard? Does he in general appear willing to modify his decision in the light of your wishes, or does he seem spitefully intransigent?
  4. How is his temper? If he has a bad temper, the red flags should be flying.
  5. Does he accuse you of being controlling? Danger!
  6. Does he love you? If love has not blossomed yet, be very cautious about introducing him to the idea of dominance and discipline. Without love, what you will have are empty experiences devoid of the intimate connection we cherish. I think Gary was right when he said that love should come first.
  7. While you are waiting for love to blossom, concentrate on getting to know your new man as thoroughly as possible. Find out everything you can about him. The more you know, the more information you have on which to judge whether he is one of the good guys, and whether he is also capable of learning dominance, and whether he is ever too prudish to put you over his knee. Do not rush this.
  8. Determine whether you are generally compatible, whether your values are reasonably similar, whether your energy levels are similar, whether any strongly held ideas you have clash. Imagine that this man were paralysed from the neck down and unable to put you over his knee. Could you still love the person he is? Be sure your answer is yes before getting too involved.
  9. Does he add to your life or detract from it?
  10. Does he make you happy?
  11. Is he intimately engaged with you, or emotionally distant and withholding? If the latter, run for the hills.
  12. Is he reliable? Dependable? There for you in a crisis?
  13. Can you be yourself with him, or do you feel a little uncomfortable with him? You need to be able to be yourself. He, too, needs to be able to be himself with you.
  14. How does he treat other people in his life?
  15. Only once you have determined that your new man is worthy of your love should you take a step towards submission. Do not rush this. Take your time. Be sure. If he is worth it, he will wait for you to go through this process.
  16. How you introduce the ideas depends on what exactly you want and what kind of person he is. For some men, showing them Taken In Hand and backing off to let them read it and think about it in their own time, might be a good start. Others might prefer a quiet chat. Or to watch an old film depicting old-fashioned relationships and the odd spanking scene. Consider what your particular man might like, and do that.
  17. Back off. Give him time and space to think. Do not harangue him!
  18. When you detect on his part a step towards taking you in hand, be sure to appreciate it rather than complaining that it is not enough or otherwise belittling his efforts.
  19. Don't expect him to be consistent. Don't make a fuss if he isn't. This should not be a big chore for him, it should be fun, or he won't want to continue.
  20. Find out his background and whether or not you could be on the same page. If he wants a BDSM slave and you want a deferential head of the household, you might not be compatible. How adapable are you both, and do you want to adapt?
  21. Tell him how it makes you feel when he is dominant. Be sure to let him know how much you enjoy it.
  22. Never never never do or say anything to make him regret being dominant with you.
  23. Let him know that you understand that what you are asking is no small thing. Be sure he knows that you appreciate him.
  24. If you find yourself behaving badly to get him to discipline you, talk to him openly and honestly about that and tell him what you want more clearly. He just might not have realized what you were angling for.
  25. If your efforts fail and you decide to end your relationship and look for another, be sure that you learn from any mistakes you may have made in this relationship.

the boss

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Calling Her Controlling

What if she IS controlling? It's not necessarily true that youre a bad guy if you call her that, is it?


Try dancing with him

I think you could also try dancing with him. A man that can't manhandle me enough to make me follow him, most likely doesn't get the whole idea of being a "strong lead." A weak lead makes for an unsatisfying dance, in every respect.

Sniffing out the jerks

I am about to divorce a man who I thought was strong but in fact has many of the "jerk" qualities...we were married for 15 years. Now I understand the difference between controlling and dominant. Now I know what to look for. Whew!