Reassurance for those new to all this

I don't know about others but when I first began to read the Taken In Hand site and learning about the DD aspect that I desire ... I thought ... wait a minute. NO WAY can these men be perfect enough to do this so well. It kept me awake ... thinking how can I fully accept my hubby's control? He never wipes his feet, he is the first one to get angry and act like a big ol' baby, and he farts in public!

But after a while, I realized that Frank, and Stephen and Tev's Mike and Blush's Gary weren't perfect either. Everyone has their bozo button moments, everyone has bad days and even bad weeks.

But when you are in the beginning of this and everyone is unsure of the full scope of their roles, each one is anxiously awaiting the other's reaction of even the silliest of situations, only to find that neither of you react the way you think you want the other to react. Some days it's a total train wreck.

When you are new to this, it's so hard to sit back and let it happen. It's easy to revert to old habits of being snitty about the wiping of the feet when it was on your list to mop the floor that day. It's hard when your two year old smashed pop tarts up to play with his monster trucks in. AND it's hard to understand why he doesn't react like he‘should’ to your breaking ‘rules’.

As much as these forums and things help they also hurt. If you aren't careful they can give you a stylized idea about what your relationship should look like. As a sane person, you know that you have to develop your own likes, dislikes, and way of relating ... but the slimy green monster of insecurity can really rattle your sensibilities. I know I catch myself at times, thinking ...wait, this isn't how it's supposed to be.

Perhaps it is obvious that we all go through these times. But I really think folks new to this hold the ‘experts’ to a higher standard that they / we strive for.

Tess

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Do you have unrealistic expectations?
The crooked path to where we are
Effect positive change by acting as if...
Is she afraid of losing control? Topping from the bottom?
Barbie is the doll, Ken is just an accessory.
My husband's calm control makes me feel submissive
The face, the mask, and the dream
He isn't interested in or capable of taking you in hand?
The hazards of self-sacrifice and impossible standards
Impregnation

2006 Jan 6 - 00:28 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Brilliant observation, Tess a

Brilliant observation, Tess and thanks for the candor.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Jan 6 - 03:37 | login or register to post comments

Thank you...

Tess,
Thank you for this article. At times, I read articles by Random, Silverback, and others and think to myself that they must be utterly perfect. The worst part - and luckily, I don't do this often - is when I start comparing my husband to them. It's unfair for everyone involved if we take the advice of the "experts" here as gospel. Useful, yes. Gospel, no.

I think it's important to appreciate what amazing qualities your partner brings to the relationship. For my husband, it's his calm in the face of a raging storm (me, sometimes) and his fairness. As someone who watched her sister suffer in a physically and sexually abusive marriage, it's also important to realize that although things may not perfect, there are other women out there with it much, much worse.

Hopeful

by Hopeful on 2006 Jan 6 - 04:28 | login or register to post comments

Well Said

Yes.

It takes time to get to know each other so that both learn to complement each other in different roles. Even if together for years, life still sometimes brings the unexpected, and this challenges the relationship. And yes both will sometimes not fulfill the other's expectations.

We are human. Forgiveness, patience, and optimism can carry one through the tough times, whether just starting a relationship, or after 20 years.

by mlion on 2006 Jan 6 - 04:50 | login or register to post comments

the slimy green monster

I love the bit about the slimy green monster of insecurity. I get worried by that monster all the time. I am always reading stuff on here that makes me think "Gosh, I don't feel like that at all" and wonder if I should. I worry that there's something wrong with me because I don't have the dramatic emotional reaction to being spanked that a lot of women seem to have. Someone writes about having vaginal orgasms and I worry that there's something wrong with me because I don't have those. And since reading the article on Pornography I now have to worry that I'm as good as commiting adultery if I have a fantasy about being spanked by Clark Gable or Harrison Ford or someone.

I think it's very true that you have to develop your own relationship and not worry about it being like other peoples. Actually, though, most of the stuff I read on here written by men makes me glad I'm married to my husband and not to one of them. Which I think is a good thing.

by Louise C on 2006 Jan 6 - 10:26 | login or register to post comments

Reassurance

But after a while, I realized that Frank, and Stephen and Tev's Mike and Blush's Gary weren't perfect either.

Hey! I represent that remark! LOL Seriously, you are absolutely right. Anyone who knows me at all knows I definitely have my own bozo moments, as you say, even sometimes bozo days or weeks on end. Sometimes I even read the 'poster child' descriptions of men and think something is wrong with me. I'm not like that, I think.

Some time ago there was a discussion on one of the DD lists where I write with women talking about the kind of man they wanted as a 'good' HOH. I was reading over the kind of things important to women as they wrote and it occurred to me I wasn't even close to those standards. I tend towards sloppiness, am not overly concerned if my hair gets a little too long, wear jeans and work boots most of the time, don't feel comfortable at all in a suit and tie, like physical work for pay over passive office work, I don't see much use for 'gadgets' like T.V's, I rarely drive because I prefer walking, I would never own a gun nor would I hunt game animals. All in all, I'm not the 'typical' American male in many respects, at least as I see myself anyway.

Well, to make a short story short, I got a little depressed thinking my own dear came up short with me. I didn't really seem to fit the model HOH women really wanted. It was so neat she wrote me a 'love letter' she published in the discussion and which the boss has included on this site. I go back and read that sometimes when I feel a little down on myself. I thought it was neat of her to do this, for her to take the time and make the effort because I really was feeling a little inadequate. One of my own bozo moments, I guess.

I'm really glad she doesn't really expect me to be like other men she reads about. I'm glad I'm okay for her because I know for sure she is not only okay but the most beautiful woman I have ever known.

Frank Nelson

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Jan 13 - 23:39 | login or register to post comments

Love without an ' if '

Frank wrote, "I'm really glad she doesn't really expect me to be like other men she reads about. I'm glad I'm okay for her because I know for sure she is not only okay but the most beautiful woman I have ever known."

That is so sweet and so true. We shouldn't be wanting or wishing our man was more like some 'ideal' but appreciating and admiring him for the man that he is. I've found that since I've adjusted my attitude in this way I've fallen in love with my husband all over again.

by chocolatetresses on 2006 Jan 19 - 02:18 | login or register to post comments

Thanks...

Thanks for your realistic, down-to-earth reminder.

by ~Sharon on 2006 Apr 15 - 05:08 | login or register to post comments

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