A man released from his pseudo-beta torment

I'm a very large and physically powerful man who’s never managed to have a successful relationship, and never had anything even remotely like a Taken in Hand relationship – but I’m writing this because, thanks to some information I gleaned from this website, certain pieces of the puzzle that is my troubled psyche have recently clicked into place, and I'm having trouble sleeping because the need to share this with people of a like mind is overwhelming.

To understand what I’m talking about, you’ll need to know some very, very personal things about me, and the darkness inside me that I’ve been battling with. To begin with this story is going to seem very off topic (about abuse rather than a healthy Taken in Hand relationship) but please, bear with me while I bear my soul.

My father was Hitler, Stalin and Atila the Hun all wrapped up in one sadistic 5’ 10” frame. Probably still is, but I’ve not had contact with him in a long while. My mother was, and is, Mother Teresa times 1000. My father used to abuse my mother and my eldest sister regularly – on more than one occasion he tried to drown my eldest sister. It’s only thanks to my mother that my sis is still alive.

Mum used to get between my father and my sister whenever she could, so that he would hit mum instead. I guess the love of an overwhelmingly good mother pushes her to do extraordinary things, because I remember a time when I was very young, sitting in a hospital next to what I thought was a corpse. I was about 4 years old, and naturally wanted my mum, so I went looking for her, obviously in something of a distressed state – calling out for my mum.

A nurse picked me up, told me not to be so stupid, and plonked me down next to the ‘corpse’, which I hadn’t noticed was still breathing, and told me that was my mum. My father had beaten her so badly, I couldn’t recognise my own mother.

This is something he did to her regularly for about 18 years. He would beat her several times a week, with varying levels of severity – and the police would do nothing about it because it was just a domestic disturbance, and back then it wasn’t something the police here in the UK got involved with unless someone died. Thankfully, while we were all still very young, she managed to escape with all of us, and although he did his best to make life difficult for Mum for the next decade or so, he never got to lay a finger on her again.

If you’re thinking that experiences like that could mess a person up for life, well you’d be right in the case of my eldest sister. In my case, I think I’m over the worst of it – or at least, I’m hoping so, with the new insights I have recently gained.

Anyhow, back to the story…

When I was a young teen (not sure exactly how old, about 13 I think), a fairly attractive girl was at our house one day. She was slightly younger than me, and frankly, not that interesting to me. Being bored, and looking for something to do, we played various games, one of which was to see if we could do a Houdini and escape from being tied up (with an old necktie, of all things). I quickly realised that being tied up was something I really hated, and was soon free – probably from the sheer adrenaline of the mild state of panic being so helpless put me in.

But then it was her turn. As soon as I tied her up, I found myself incredibly turned on by the exchange of power. I didn’t understand why I felt that way, or why it scared me so, and so I forgot about the whole thing. For a few years.

Then as I got older and more interested in the ladies, I found myself forming ideas about relationships that were, in hindsight, not my own. I thought that any woman in my life should be treated with the utmost veneration (a belief I still hold to, by the way) and that they should be my absolute equal in every way.

As I got older, I found myself having darker and darker thoughts in private. I abandoned the idea of women being equal in bed, but clung to the idea that a woman should be my equal outside of the bedroom – in fact, slowly coming to feel that maybe she should take the lead just a little when not in the bedroom. If Hollywood and the media teaches us anything, it’s that women are our equals, maybe even our betters – men are dogs, after all. As easy to turn on as a lightbulb.

So now I was feeling more and more that my perfect woman would be some sort of sex slave in the bedroom, but some kind of superwoman at all other times. Unsurprisingly I couldn’t find this woman no matter how hard I looked.

All the time, my private fantasies about women got steadily darker. Now, I knew from experience that any time I hurt someone, even when they deserved it, I would get so chewed up with guilt, remorse and anxiety that I would feel physically sick, yet I couldn’t help but fantasise about bondage situations. These fantasies eventually started to include fantasies about rape. Before long I was dreaming about kidnapping and torturing innocent women.

And then one day, on a bus going to work in the city, I glanced at a fairly good looking woman, and images filled my head of her in a situation that, in all likelihood, she would rather have taken her own life than been in. And just for a split second, I liked them.

I started to think that unless I found someone with whom I could fulfil some of these fantasies, someone who would enjoy being treated that way, I was going to turn into a monster, just like my father. I started to think that this darkness inside of me was my nature, and that unless I could find a way of satiating it, something terrible was going to happen.

Now, I would think about it logically and I knew that I could never hurt anyone. Any time I even scare someone, something inside me is wounded, and I’m emotionally hurt. I’m the kind of person who is forever trying to make those around him comfortable, trying to fix everyone’s problems, be the agony uncle – the nice guy, the funny guy, the gentleman. It’s not in me to hurt anyone, and I knew this – so why were my dreams so dark?

Being an Internet savvy kind of guy, I decided to go online and find someone to talk to who had tried dominating another person sexually, and maybe get some insight into that part of myself.

But I never did. I looked at various resources, saw pictures of people doing things to other people that would be considered abuse if it weren’t for the fact that both people wanted it to happen, and were both enjoying the experience.

Then I stumbled across a dating website for those into the kind of dark things that were going through my head. The site was for dominant women and men, submissive women and men, and those who liked to try both. Somewhere in there it stated that there aren’t that many dominant men in the “scene”, and in fact that kind of person was somewhat in demand because submissive women abounded.

I couldn’t help but be puzzled by that. It just didn’t sound right at all. Surely there was an ample supply of men around the world who are more than willing to be strong and rough with a submissive woman? Surely the caveman in us can’t be that far gone?

Then I stumble across a website for women who like to be submissive to strong but caring men – women who want to be taken in hand. At first I thought it was just another site for sexually submissive women, but as I read an article about how men can be separated into 3 groups, alpha, beta and gamma – strong, “normal” and weak men – I began to see something. Society has told these men that they have to be nice, caring “new man” men – betas. It slowly dawns on me as I read other articles on the site that I’m an alpha, but society has told me so often that I should be a beta, I believed them. So I did my best to be a beta.

“The Gentle Giant” is how most people seem to think of me. People at job interviews think I’m arrogant. Nice, but arrogant. Now, arrogance is misplaced confidence – I have no misplaced confidence. I’m very very good at what I do for a living, and the point of a job interview is to get that across. I’m not arrogant; I’m just that good. And very confident – a sure sign of an alpha. And that sounds arrogant, which kinda makes this whole point like some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy…

So I realised, after all this time, thanks to this website, that it’s ok to accept my need to be dominant. In fact, the more I think about it, the more natural it seems. It makes me think of gorillas. The alpha male takes the lead in the family, protects them, guides them, cares for them, guards them like a huge bodyguard. He won’t eat unless the entire family is safe – he puts their welfare before his own, their needs before his own. He may be their leader, but in a very real way, he is their servant. He would die for his family in a heartbeat. He’s the silverback.

With this it all becomes clear. The media, society, Hollywood and the very real need to be the opposite of my father led me to believe that I needed to treat a woman as my equal in every way, rather than as a beautiful and fragile being that isn’t my equal – in many ways a woman is inferior to a man, but in just as many ways she’s superior to him. It’s ok to celebrate and exploit those differences, those advantages, to offset each other’s deficiencies.

I accept it. I’m an alpha male. I’m the silverback. It’s my place to lead, protect and provide for, and in so doing, to serve in my own special way.

The same night I made that discovery, I found and read some fiction about the kidnapping of innocent women, and how they’re forced into servitude as slaves known as Kajirae on a fictional anti-earth called Gor. Just the sort of thing that used to excite my dark side – only now it was a massive turn off. In fact, it angered me. I started feeling the need to fight these evil people and release these slavegirls. I had to remind myself that this was nothing more than fiction, and that just like I would never really hurt anyone, neither would the people who read or write this stuff.

I had to wonder, though, why it didn’t excite me anymore – and this is the point of this somewhat long-winded posting:

I think the “alpha” me, the REAL me, was buried in the back of my psyche by the need to conform to a "beta" norm, to be the “nice guy” that the media and society as a whole told me I should be, and the need to be the opposite of my Father compelled me to be. I think the disturbing fantasies were some sort of reaction to that, and grew more and more intense over time as the “alpha” me struggled for a conscious release. Now that I’ve accepted that part of myself, I feel more at ease than I have done for years, and my “dark side” seems to have dissapeared. I think it's work is done.

I’ve always been irresistibly drawn to vulnerable women. I never knew why – I always fought the urge to take a vulnerable woman, choosing very deliberately the more confident women instead – the alpha women. Now I know why I was (am) drawn to that kind of woman, and I can stop fighting it and accept that it’s my place to find a vulnerable woman and make her invulnerable by being her Silverback.

Only took me 28 years and accidentally stumbling on this website to work all that out.

Anyhow, I know that’s one hell of a way of introducing myself, but I’m fairly certain no one I know will understand any of that, and I needed to share it. I would really love to hear what you think, especially of my theory regarding the sudden disappearance of my “dark side”…

Silverback

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Resistance is futile
The power of a woman who submits to her man
The carrot or the stick?

2005 Dec 21 - 00:37 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Your honesty is refreshing!

Silverback,

Your honesty is refreshing! I have always believed that alpha men, when denied the opportunity to truly be the dominant partners in their relationships, can become dark and obsessed with controlling and dominating women in hurtful ways. So I think you've hit the nail on the head, so to speak. The flipside, in a way, is submissive women who are so discouraged from being true to their natures that they become manipulative and controlling themselves, sort of trying to get someone, anyone, to take the lead and release them from the bonds that they have accepted for themselves.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but I just wanted to share my thoughts.

Sharon

by sarahdinah on 2005 Dec 21 - 02:34 | login or register to post comments

Wow....what a story! Silverb

Wow....what a story! Silverback, thank you for sharing this.

As a woman, I am in a parallel process of discovering my own true nature. The dynamics in my family of origin were of a similar bent to the one you describe, although thankfully not nearly as severe. I grew up with an intense survival instinct, and a determination and ability to accomplish pretty much whatever I want....most of the time. I steered completely clear of men who seemed powerful; they were threatening and scary to me. I ended up dating "nice" guy after "nice" guy, but never being satisfied. At the beginning, I would see their attention as a sign of masculinity, as a reflection of their desire for me. But inevitably, it seemed to be more a role they had learned to play, a skill they had needed to acquire in order to begin a relationship. Very frustrating to me, right up until the point that I realized my choices in men were my own responsibility. (I'm talking about decent guys for the most part, not jerks. Just....wimpy. Boring. Ultimately disappointing.)

As I become more familiar with who I really am, and what I really want, and begin to feel more confident and "normal" about what I desire, (I am so grateful to the boss for this site--isn't there some British equivalent of knighthood for women? I nominate the boss) I find myself interacting in a different way with all the men I encounter in my personal and professional life. It's nothing dramatic. It's just that when they are assertive, manly, helpful, strong, powerful or capable, I NOTICE. And I appreciate it. And even though generally nothing is said, beyond a simple thank you, it seems to me that on some level they realize this and respond very positively to it.

In my dating life (intentionally low-key at the moment--I've had a busy couple of years) I'm exploring a gentle, vulnerable side of myself that I've never had the courage to release before, or even acknowlege. And you know what? It's wonderful! I don't leave for a date with a mental checklist of expectations. Instead, I savor the moments of pleasure we've had together. (I mean in the restaurant!) I truly appreciate what he has done for me, in providing a lovely evening of companionship and conversation and food and whatever other nice things he may be treating me to. The evening is an end, a pleasure, a treasure, in and of itself. I don't worry or think about where it's going, and whether that would be safe with this particular man or not; I just appreciate (genuinely, happily, truly) the time that we share together and the chance to bask in his masculinity.

Will we go out again? I don't know. Will he choose to ask me? It's up to him--he's in charge, and all I need to think about is my own response, yes or no. There was a man recently whose company I particularly enjoyed who stopped calling me after a few weeks. Instead of feeling hurt or panicky about this ("doesn't he like me?!?!?!?") I find myself still with warm, positive feelings towards him. I don't know why he stopped calling, and it really doesn't matter. This is a truly great guy, and I find that I trust his judgment in not continuing to pursue me, whatever the reason. In a way, that in and of itself is an expression of his leadership. So all is well with the world, and with me.

And the dark, sexual side--Silverback, your enjoyment of your power is a gift! While this hasn't come up for me in a while, in the past when I have tentatively, somewhat shamefully, shared my fantasies with a lover, he's responded positively--but guardedly. Well, sure he would do that. But ONLY because I want him to. He would NEVER want to hurt me. He's NOT that kind of guy. HE doesn't get turned on by that kind of thing. I understand this, and respect it to an extent--certainly I would never want to have anything to do with a man who did not have strong internal controls about hurting me.

But....at the same time, without him meaning to make me feel this way at all, I felt disappointed, and a little ashamed. If it wasn't fun for him too, I felt like I was imposing on him. Not to be too graphic, but it's probably something like a man enjoying fellatio. I suppose it's nice enough for a woman to do this just to please her man, just to make him happy, but if I were a man--ick, if she's not enjoying it too, what's the point? Who wants to make love to a martyr?

I haven't yet been fortunate enough to be with a man who desired to take me the way I want to be taken, who wanted to lead me as I want to be led. This is undoubtedly because of my choices in men, but I know now what I want. I actually feel very lucky to understand this about myself before entering a serious relationship. I KNOW what I want. I want a trustworthy man of stalwart integrity who is both honorable and powerful enough to be my leader. And if his power extended to what he enjoyed in our bedroom--well, I would be a happy, happy, happy, happy woman.

Fantasizing about hurting women (a poorly re-directed use of your repressed alpha male energy, perhaps?) is, as you said, entirely different from actually doing it, and is something I find easy to understand.

I have two children whom I adore. I have a wonderful, mutually respectful relationship with them (I do not spank them, ever, not once--I do not believe in corporal punishment for children) but occasionally, as normal, healthy kids will, they drive me nuts. I can find myself in an instant filled with the thought of grabbing my child and yanking her into the house, slamming her into her bedroom and boarding up the door--but I will never, ever do this. What I will do, if the situation is getting out of hand, is tell her what I expect (You need to come inside RIGHT NOW), what her timeframe is (you have thirty seconds) and what the consequence will be if she doesn't (paying me a small "fine" from her allowance, not being allowed outside for the rest of the day, etc.) At this point, the choice is hers. If necessary, I will escalate consequences (right now, or you owe me another dollar,) but I do not engage in emotional negativity, I do not lose control of myself, and I have NEVER EVER physically hurt my children or been emotionally abusive to them. The point is that I can feel a certain urge in a certain situation, but know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never act on it. (Although, in some alternate universe where I had no parenting skills, who knows what might happen? Frustration does have its limit.) I do not hurt my children, ever. They do not fear me. I do, unquestionably, have their respect and affection, and their obedience whenever I require it.

Another example that comes to my mind is the violent games that children often play with each other--cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker--which almost inevitably involve, in play, truly horrible renditions of cruelty and death. But we all understand that this is play, that the children who are shooting each other with their pointer fingers would not actually do each other any real harm. It's okay.

And one last thing, and then I'll stop rambling here. I have come to believe that ONLY a man of integrity, ONLY a man who is very aware of his own power, and the consequences of how he chooses to use that power, ONLY a man who truly takes responsibility for my saftey and well-being (and no, of course I don't intend to become a decision-incapable doormat) ONLY a man, in other words, of the strongest character, and (if it's not an anachronism to say), a man of honor, can be my trusted leader. The most wonderful thing I can imagine is being in a taken in hand relationship with a truly wonderful, gentle (most of the time!) trustworthy man. One of the most horrible things I can imagine is being in an abusive relationship with a "dominant" bully who is incapable of controlling himself or taking responsibility.

Not every male gorilla has what it takes to be the Silverback, and as you pointed out, it is every bit as much a position of responsibility as it is one of power.

Anyway, Silverback, I am so glad you are coming into yourself. The world will be a better place, and some woman will be a happier woman, because of it. As long as your concern for her well-being is at least as important to you as your authority, as long as you know for sure that you would never inappropriately hurt her, you can't possibly go too for wrong.

It really is true--to thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man--or any woman. In fact, I have come to believe that ONLY by being true to myself can I be the best person I can be in a relationship. If I truly know and am comfortable with myself, I can truly be with and be comfortable with the man in my life. This is just as true, I'm very sure, for men. Certainly for the one I'm looking for.

Good luck, Silverback. You're a good man.

by Glitter on 2005 Dec 21 - 07:00 | login or register to post comments

"dark side"

I think that you have found your way 'home'. I won't be surprised to see a post from you when you have found a woman who will appreciate and understand your journey. We as women are also taught that allowing our mates to be in control is wrong, and we have individually dealt with the same 'darkness' in denying our true nature. Best of luck to you Silverback. ~E

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Dec 21 - 14:51 | login or register to post comments

Both ends of the candle...

Certainly there must be something "wrong" with me for wanting this control from a man...in a loving way. In our "accepted society" today, there is a negative light shed on, cast on, or perhaps taken upon, a woman desiring a man to control things, to be there...

I applaud Silverback for saying some things that most of us cannot say. It's a desire, it's built in, it manifests itself in the only way that we can allow it to do so in order to preserve the feelings about ourselves as "decent" people.

I cannot possibly "want" to have him take absolute control of me, can I? If I want that, there must be something wrong with me. I am torn between wanting him to "tame" me, and wanting to still be the person, with the mind, and values, I have. I don't know how to obtain the balance, but I have come to learn that there is the possibility of balance, not equality, so-to-speak, but balance. For every bridge that might be crossed, it is no so important who comes how far, but rather, that at the end, both people make it there safely.

Best wishes.

by KAL on 2005 Dec 21 - 20:54 | login or register to post comments

Wow. Thanks for the support, everyone.

Wow! What an overwhelmingly positive response. I have to be honest, when I wrote that, I was a little worried that the fact that I admitted to having fantasies that involved forcing helpless women into doing things that were against their will would cause some to see me as some kind of stalker/psycho.

I'm glad I've found a place where the people involved don't have trouble seeing the distinction between a troubled psyche generating genuinely disturbing fantasies (and when I say disturbing, I do mean to myself, not to others - I've never shared those thoughts before) and a psychopathic mind in the making.

I just thought I would warn everyone that I'm responding to several postings here in one go, so sorry to anyone with a short attention span but I'm going to do the Tolstoy thing again...:

To Sharon and ~E - I can't help but worry that there are people out there who are suffering without even realising it. And I'm not just talking about Alpha men being forced into a beta role or submissive women forced to be their partner’s equal - I'm talking about everyone being shoe-horned into conformity on so many levels and in pretty much all aspects of life.

Society seems to abhor the different. It wants everyone to act the same, to conform, whilst at the same time overtly telling everyone that being different is ok, even desirable - but the covert (and frankly, far more compelling) message is conformance.

We all know the story of the gay/lesbian person scared to come out of the closet - but what about the closet dominant or submissive? Why should someone who would feel at their happiest being dominated by a caring partner settle for not having that security in their lives? Or be denied the chance to give that security to someone?

I once read that two thirds of women have had a lesbian fantasy or encounter. Now, I have no idea how true that is, but the article I was reading (if I can find it, I'll post it) claimed that the media has made such sex objects of women that it's actually changed the perceptions of a vast number of women, who now associate women so strongly with sex that naturally straight women are having fantasies about other women.

It bothers me that the media is doing this to us. I can see a huge number of people being pushed into completely the wrong relationship because of it. How many unhappy homosexual people are in fact not homosexual at all, but rather have been manipulated into suppressing what they truly are by a commercial media machine who’s main purpose (at least, the advertising part of it is) is to manipulate us?

I’m sure that’s where the darkness within me came from. My subconscious desperately trying to repair the damage to my conscious that society and the media had done. I’m guessing that’s just repeating what you said, Sharon, but I thought I would confirm it and add to it.

I can see this as being all-pervasive, and not just about our sexual orientation or our personality types. How many people are working in an office, striving after things they’ve been told they want, racking up the overtime so they can relax on a beach somewhere? I’ve never been on a beach that’s anywhere near as relaxing as just staring deeply into the eyes of someone who cares for me…

I know, I know, I have a lot (A LOT) to say. Forgive me for that, but so many things that were out of focus in my life are now so very clear. And surprisingly simple. I’m feeling a level of calm right now I find hard to describe – simply saying that I feel at peace doesn’t seem enough. I feel more complete, as if bits of me were missing but I’ve now found them.

I’m now actually having to re-explore what it is that makes me tick. Things that I found exciting before my realisation that I was Alpha are leaving me cold now. I notice things I didn’t before – like the way a woman’s hair moves, and how sexy just that alone is.

Glitter – I do understand that fantasies are something disconnected from reality. I’m just now learning how far – it’s a much more disconnected thing than I at first thought, but I have always appreciated that. I’m glad that my story struck a chord (and that you too found the real you) – and I have to say, I too have found that I interact with people differently now. I’m more confident (if you can imagine that), yet I’m actually quieter. I guess I don’t feel the need to prove that I fit the beta “nice guy” mould anymore.

And your point about fellatio really struck a chord too. I honestly don’t like receiving in that way, because I’m always too bothered that she’s doing it purely because she thinks she has to, or because she thinks it’s something I need as a man or whatever. As a result, it just feels uncomfortable, because I’m too worried that she’s hating what she’s doing.

I can understand some women enjoying it, for the same reason I enjoy giving oral – watching the growing build-up of sensations in the person I’m with is a mind-blowing thing. And if I felt that she honestly felt that way too, I would probably be able to enjoy receiving oral. I guess it all stems from that very Alpha trait of wanting to fulfil the needs of those you are with. Actually, I would say it’s not just a case of wanting to fulfil, it’s a need. I would say that I have a need to fulfil the woman in my life. It’s as strong as the need to protect and nurture her.

And Kal – as I think I’ve pointed out, there’s something very wrong with “accepted society”. Quite frankly, I feel like telling everyone I meet how twisted out of shape their relationship is if they feel they have to live up to some “norm” that society has thrust upon us. Don’t let it stand in your way of accepting who you really are, and of pursuing what makes you happy. There’s no reason why society as a whole has to know the real you anyway – if they can’t accept you for who you are, that’s their loss, not yours.

Also, from my point of view at least, any man who was to truly take you in hand should do so in a way that liberates you to be yourself, not diminishes you or alters your mind or values or your personality in any real way. I mean, any relationship is going to alter those things to some extent (whether you’re the dominant one or the submissive one) but I know that I for one would never want a woman to try to become something she wasn’t in order to please me, any more than I would want her to mutilate herself physically. Because that’s what it would be mentally if she were to do so – mental self-mutilation. I don’t know about you, but I really can’t see where that starts to get fun.

by Silverback on 2005 Dec 22 - 01:14 | login or register to post comments

Society and sex

I have never personally felt that 'society' was trying to mold me into having a particular kind of relationship. It's always seemed odd to me that I should desire a relationship where my husband was in charge, but that was more because it seemed to make no sense to me that a person should desire to be controlled by another person (and it still doesn't make much sense to me). It seems to me against all sense that anyone would choose being controlled over being equal. It's something I've more or less accepted in myself, but it still strikes me as weird.

I am also extremely doubtful as to whether two-thirds of women having rape fantasies is because 'society' is telling women what to fantasise about. Fantasies tend to come into your head unbidden, there's not a lot you can do about it, I don't think 'society' is filtering them in there. Are rape fantasies (very common judging by this site) imposed on women by 'society'? I've never had any fantasies about lesbians or about rape, so 'society' or whatever else is causing these fantasies seems to be staying out of my head at any rate.

I personally think that society was more rigid in its expectations of how people should live in the past than it is now, and that there's more scope for people to pick and choose the sort of life they want than there ever was in the past.

by Louise C on 2005 Dec 22 - 05:05 | login or register to post comments

Well, I've never heard any st

Well, I've never heard any statistics as to how many women have rape fantasies, and I seriously doubt that two thirds of women are having fantasies about being forced. I'm not even sure than two thirds of women having homosexual fantasies is something I believe, although I do think it's much more likely. Not being two thirds of women, however, makes me very much not an authority on the subject.

Having said that, I do know that the fantasy life of a person is something that can be completely opposite of the person’s actual nature, and I honestly believe that in my case at least, my subconscious was using this imagery to try to force a change in my conscious self. It may well be that two thirds of women are having rape fantasies in response to them denying their true nature by having an equal relationship when in fact what they want deep down is a strong man to take charge and guide them.

We’re separated from most of the animal kingdom by a few percent in DNA terms. Much of the “programming” of other apelike creatures exists in us, so why would it be anything other than natural for members of our species to feel the need to conform to a natural order that related species live by?

If you have a need to be controlled, maybe it’s not so much about the control aspect but more about a primal need for the protection and care of a strong alpha male? It’s known that in most of the animal kingdom, females choose the strongest of the available males to father their young. Maybe some of that instinct is at work in you.

As for society trying to mould people, I'm not accusing anyone of doing that deliberately or overtly. I'm saying that society (well, the media, and the advertising in media most especially) is designed to manipulate us into wanting products and does it with pleasing imagery that does affect our perceptions of what is and isn’t perfect and desirable.

For example, all women are portrayed as slim and forever sexy, with perfectly applied makeup, perfect hair, and so on. All men have a 6 pack. All black people can dance and have great rhythm. All gay men are effeminate wimps with exceptional taste. All waiters think they’re better than the people they serve, and look down their noses at them as a result, and are often gay. And, of course, all women are equal to all men.

All of that is BS. Everyone’s individual. There are a large number of women who are far stronger than the vast majority of men, but the majority of women are physically much weaker than men, most black people can’t dance that well and have no better rhythm than the rest of us, most gay people are indistinguishable from straight men and so on.

All of that is pretty much stuff that doesn’t need saying, so why does it surprise anyone when women feel vulnerable and crave the strength and protection of a strong man who can care for her?

I think that part of the problem is people don’t understand the dynamic these women are looking for. They equate allowing oneself to be lead by a loved one to being enslaved, when in actual fact, it’s the opposite. The man’s place, in this scenario, is to make decisions that are primarily in the best interest of his family, and in his best interest second. It’s his job to make sure they’re provided for in every way, that they’re safe and happy. If anyone thinks that in such a scenario the man is anything other than a servant of that family, then maybe they should think again.

I’m no expert. I mean, this time last week I myself was striving to hide the real me from the world and attain to some equal status with a partner that I had been told is the ideal, so maybe I’m not the best person to talk to about this. Or maybe I am, because of the realisation I’ve had.

by Silverback on 2005 Dec 22 - 17:31 | login or register to post comments

Little Old Lady with the Television Camera Rules!

That was a sweet peice of writing, Mr. Silverback. The pen has more power than the fist and the television camera the most power of all.

Who makes me feel safe? Not a brawny dominant man, but my best friend; a 5 foot tall little old lady who produces a prime time public affairs television show.

If I am in trouble, i immediately feel a wave of calm when I remember the tv crew lurking around the bend ready to capture my persecutor in a very compromised position that will surely be edited to make them appear far more vile and will be played in what would seem to be and endless loop that turns into a noose that chokes even the most powerful “ Alpha” personality.

Sadly, the cave man has seen his day!

by dodecahedron on 2005 Dec 23 - 00:35 | login or register to post comments

Thanks for sharing your story

Silverback, I am so glad you are writing about your own internal journey. Going through a similar, if opposite, process myself, it's fascinating and wonderful to hear about what this is like for you.

And as for the whole psycho/stalker thing: I'm fairly sure that genuine psycho/stalkers, like genuinely abusive men, don't spend a lot of time worrying about the woman they hurt or what kind of person they themselves are. Just the fact that these things matter to you shows (to me, at least) that you aren't a dangerous person. (Except perhaps, when the "danger" is mutually satisfying.... ;-)

I'm very interested in your thoughts about where this type of urge orginates. This honestly isn't something I've thought too much about--I have come to a very refreshing place of just accepting my feelings, and figuring that as long as I and the man I am with are happy and enjoying our relationship, it really doesn't matter where it comes from.

At the same time, it does raise some interesting questions....

I'm thinking of the men I have known who seemed very alpha to me, and they were like you describe yourself: very confident, even matter-of-fact, about their strengths and the things they were good at, and just quietly their own wonderful, powerful, capable selves. I feel so relaxed in the company of a man like that, even when it's someone (like my grandfather or someone else's husband), in whom I have no possible romantic interest.

I think maybe part of it is about capability, about competence, about having mastered how to survive and thrive in the world. The alpha men I have known have all been men who were very, very good at a wide variety of things. These are not men who brag (I personally see braggy, posturing men as being insecure and fairly pointless) but they are the men that I know for sure can be relied on no matter what. If they say they will help, they will. If they take on a project, they will see it through, and it will be done correctly, thoroughly and well. I think that alpha men derive a certain satisfaction just from doing a job well, and that's a wonderful thing to be able to rely on as a woman.

I've also been thinking a lot lately about the basic personality differences between men and women, and how those can complement each other beautifully if we allow them to. I realize that this is a bit stereotypical--and I know that there are many individual exceptions--but overall, I see men as being problem-solvers and solution-achievers, and women as those who create and maintain a happy environment (whether that be physical, mental, or emotional) and who monitor and protect the relational status between people.

I am glad for feminism and the sexual revolution. I want to be able to vote, to have the opportunity to achieve things that are important to me, to receive equal pay for equal work, and so forth. I have a small background in middle eastern women's studies, and I know that in countries where men automatically get to be in charge simply by virtue of being men, that the lives of women and children are often truly horrible.

I think that the re-thinking of relationship roles and gender ideas over the past few decades was both necessary and good. I think there was a lot that deserved to be changed. But I also think that perhaps we have become unrealistic about who men and women are, and what each can provide for the other.

I remember, in my late teens, being incredibly frustrated with a boyfriend who wasn't emotionally "there" for me in the way I thought he should be. I remember being ungrateful for helpful, practical things he did to make my life easier--because those things (at the time) seemed unimportant to me, and I thought he should be tuned in to what I thought was important--my emotions and feelings!

As time has gone by, I have learned to treasure those things that men are so very good at, and to realize that they don't also need to be my best girlfriend. Honestly, a lot of what we ask of men--be super-manly Tarzan man! and also be emotionally tuned-in Mother Theresa!--could really only be accomplished by some androgynous being who morphed back and forth emotionally between being a man and being a woman--NOT a quality I'm looking for. Honestly, if I'm upset, the most wonderful thing a man can do for me is just to hold me. Just being embraced and encompassed by him brings the world back into balance for me.

To me, one of the most beautiful things about the idea of a taken in hand relationship is that it gives good, capable men a framework to take ownership of the well-being of a woman and a relationship. It gives them the capability to monitor and evaluate the status of that woman and relationship, and to solve problems and create the solutions that are necessary. And it allows them to take well-deserved pride in an excellent job well done.

And for a woman, like me, it offers the opportunity to be cared for and protected in both large and small ways, and to have the constant security that her life will be well-manged and well-handled. This is truly one of the most wonderful situations I can think of.

Also, a taken in hand relationship gives me the freedom to be fully myself without fear that I will damage the man I love or our relationship. I am a very feminine woman, but I am also a very strong one, and I frequently feel the need to tread lightly over male egos. Also, in my relational protection and monitoring role, I find myself thinking long and carefully about the effects my words will have on someone before I say them. Usually that's appropriate and necessary, of course, but it would be a tremendous relief to have one person to whom I could express myself as I feel, knowing that he can and will handle it, and not having to worry about causing harm. If I can just be angry when I'm angry, or hurt when I'm hurt, I don't have to bury those feelings and give them time to fester and grow.

Anyway--it seems that I have just as much on my mind as you, Silverback. I love love love the discussion on this site from all the married couples. It's reassuring to me on so many different levels, not the least of which is just knowing that normal, happy people live their lives this way. But it's also wonderful to talk with someone who also is finding his way to a taken in hand relationship.

So thanks again, Silverback. You've given me a lot to think about, some new insights into myself, and just a greater understanding of what goes on in the mind of a taking in hand kind of man.

Take care.

by Glitter on 2005 Dec 23 - 02:37 | login or register to post comments

Silverback

Society has a way of conditioning alphas who don't know what they are. You're correct in saying that they want to fool you into being beta.

I'm not a fan of the BDSM style. Way too many sexual perverts mistaking that for true alpha and power.

I'm new here myself but not new to who I am.

by Zenmack on 2006 Jan 20 - 08:13 | login or register to post comments

I have had a very similar dev

I have had a very similar development of experiences Silverback, though thankfully less intense, and wonder how much age has to do with the realisation. I’ve always been aware of the way some women respond to my strongest side, shaped as it has been by what I’ve only understood in the past to be my “darker side” - a subconscious reaction for a desire for expression that I’ve always been cautious about affecting on others. Afraid, I think, because I've seen the pain inflicted by people with so much power to care and support others destroying lives out of bitterness, vanity and confusion. I live in Melbourne, a very conscious city and a very dark one. I’ve had chances to find that ‘home’ here when I was younger that have slipped by because I haven’t been able to match that power with an ability to articulate it, but my own frustration has taught me enough about myself to recognise and develop it. More and more I love the fact that we cross the bridge with others but the real surprise for me is that, as a young man in the 21st century, there is a real ‘home’ there, and it’s one where you don't have to be hide away your alpha side, you can be strong and responsible and trust yourself and allow others to trust you too. Massively, massively impressed by your honesty, hoping you find someone who knows how rare that mix of qualities is and who can appreciate how that journey feels - T

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Jul 3 - 16:22 | login or register to post comments

Silverback, dear friend.

Thank you. I've been going through much the same thing, and to be frank, you could change half a dozen details, and I'd be looking at my own life onscreen.

I only found this site a few days ago, but I'd gone into D/s and found it *close, but wanting* so to speak....

I'm pulling myself together, getting closer to my alpha nature, and oddly enough, I had started studying gorilla behaviour as an extension of that.

I'd like to thank you for the confirmation that it's not just I who feel like this, and not just I who had some very very dark thoughts but who also knows himself well enough to know it's not really his nature.

One of my first readings here was When rape is a gift and so I wound up responding to that thread, because it expressed very fully what I'd been trying to understand about myself.

I'd like to thank you for putting this website in place. I've learned a lot about myself, about women (always a fascinating subject for me) and also about why some of the women in my life had done the things they had (like cheat on me...I finally realized it was because I was too forgiving, and didn't attach any more stigma to it than them hurting my poor widdle heart. I've learned better now.)

I'm going to be signing up to join after I post this message, and so I hope to see more of you around.

Oh, I also speak fluent typo, and while I'm working on it, the occasional slipup might slide through.

by Aubrey on 2006 Oct 18 - 14:41 | login or register to post comments

Finally I understand who I am too

I am very new to the ideas on this website, but I can honestly say that I agree with everything that Silverback said in his post. I too have had very little success in relationships, because I have always felt unhappy in an "equal" relationship.

It is my experience that none of my relationships have been truly equal in any case. I have always been the one in the relationship to change who I am for the good of the whole. In doing so I have sold myself short. It has reached the stage where, I choose not to pursue relationships because I do not want to change who I am anymore. I feel happier being single, than being in a relationship where I am forced to accept ways of behaving that I am uncomfortable with.

However, reading the wonderful posts on this website have made me reconsider my position. I hope that in time I will be able to find a woman who can accept me for who I am. This website has shown me that it is indeed possible.

by Lynchie on 2006 Nov 17 - 12:13 | login or register to post comments

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