This disconnection is something my wife and I have experienced before. It started for us when the children were young and happened during all the time we had to spend with them and chose to spend with them. During those 10 or so years there arose those inevitable interruptions to a couple’s intimacy and the chances to just be by themselves. Family mostly came first, quite correctly, but sometimes incorrectly for us as we found ourselves losing contact with one another, amidst all the demands made on parents and partners.

It was even more difficult at holiday times when we ended up visiting parents in turn. My wife and I were lucky and were never separated because of jobs,illness or whatever and it was only at holiday visit time that problems occurred. We remember now several years of Xmas Eves…..you know the children are in bed, parents talked to, food bought, presents wrapped and suddenly it’s midnight and at last that chance to stop and sit down in quiet! Then we sat and looked at each other in a sort of stunned silence! I would just want to go to bed and sleep and she would be tired too. Reluctantly we would agree that both of us needed the rest. After getting ready for bed we mostly used to just finish up in bed and go to sleep.

In retrospect I think this was a mistake. Like the old saying goes, “Do not let the sun go down without making up after a quarrel” I think we should have had a pact to cuddle and kiss , however tired we were on those nights. That would be a positive agreement;a big difference to us just turning over and going to sleep without any loving contact.

So the holiday visit would occur and we would feel distant from each other in a way that we did not feel at home where routines, intimacy and clear roles were in place. At home it was easy to do as we pleased and not have to worry what friends, parents or other people thought or felt.

I think it was different away from home for several reasons. One was that none of our friends knew it was a male-led relationship. Words,gestures or actions that seem appropriate at home just don't get used away if they are risque or seem to indicate a weird relationship to others. Also when visiting parents and friends it was easier to just get on with being with whatever they wanted to do and often it meant sitting back for me; indeed for both of us.

Gradually as we grew more confident in our lifestyle, though we had not got to know Taken in Hand then, we knew that we had to prepare for times away. We still felt as you did that it was just not the same outside of our home. However as you,we wanted to maintain that intensity and connection and control, both mentally and physically. Therefore we started to “tighten up” on certain areas we knew we could follow through wherever we where.

I expect if I had to start a list it would have these key features in it: my wife discretely asking permission for her to do certain things; the wearing of items of clothing that signified our connection, especially night clothes, underwear; key words used often during the day to show our love for one another and to assert my authority and her feeling of submission and safety and her knowing that we were still connected; my saying if she was going shopping to buy something special for herself; quick cuddles and fondles whenever it was appropriate; discrete gestures that only she and I understood; instructions as to what she should or should not wear; a form of discipline in the bedroom at night that we did every night – it could be words of a power exchange or actual physical discipline.

Finally as it was her parents we mostly visited I realised it was more difficult for her; I myself could merge into the background more, which is often a problem as commented on by the boss. Therefore I did try to be more attentive and caring to her; not always successfully. But we did talk about and realise the problems. Not at first though. I remember it took a lot of chat and mistakes to understand where the pressure was and how to make it a better experience.

Now it is a delight to go away. But of course the children, as from this summer, are away at university or jobs and now we can be as demanding of each other as we want. Toys, clothes, words and time are all available to us.

If I had known some of this all these years ago, from the start, when the children were young and we visited different people and places I think it would have been much easier.

Thank you for the article and I am sure you will have plenty of comments to help.

This Too Will Pass

I have always tried to put my children first before material things (i.e. we would have to be pretty darn poor before I sacrificed my influence on them to outside employment) and before other frivolous things. However, I also try to remember that keeping my marriage strong is the best thing I can do for my children. These things can be compromised. It is not a matter of either spending all your time with your children or all your time with your spouse.

As far as losing touch during the holidays, my husband has quite naturally found some ways to prevent this that work for us. He has this way of leaning very close to me and whispering things in my ear. Sometimes they are the sweet nothings they appear to be to everyone else, but sometimes it is something like, "Is that attitude I am starting to hear from that pretty mouth? Do I need to correct that?" or "Is my girl getting lippy with me?" Also, he has that look that tells me that I am getting close to the line. (These things work really well because I also have to think about my reaction and not making it too obvious what is going on. I have to stop without looking reprimanded. The more I have to think about it the more intense it is for me.)

He has not yet found a way that we can do a spanking while staying at my or his parents' house but he has assured me that if he needed to, he would rent a hotel room just for the purpose. "And think how pissed I'd be if I had to pay $60 or more just to get your attitude back in line, hm?"

Another thing that we make sure of is that no matter how tired we are (and I can certainly get worn out by being on my company manners and dealing with his mother, LOL!), we never "just roll over and go to sleep". I could not handle that after a day of not really seeing him. We do that at home but never when we are out visiting. We always at least kiss and snuggle while we are falling asleep.

At my parent's house we try to do some talking in bed because the baby still sleeps with us there. At his parent's house, the kids are all sleeping downstairs so we usually get some sexual connection. He usually makes it something that means submission on my part (e.g. holding me down, ordering me to do what he wants, ordering me to have an orgasm when I say I am too tired). I think that helps me to stay connected to his dominance and authority. He also makes a point of using "pillow talk" that reminds me that I belong to him and that my obedience and respect really make him know that I love him and make him feel more manly. He reminds me that he loves me and that the rules are still there even if the consequences are different.

Some of these things he just came to naturally and some of them he gleaned from listening to what I need. My husband is very good at this, almost instinctively, but sometimes I think he second guesses his instincts because they so go against the societal norms and what we did for most of our relationship.

Oh, I almost forgot, one of my favorite of my husband's covert dominance techniques is this. When no one else is in the room, he will just tackle me on the couch or push me up against the kitchen counter or put my needlework aside and pull me into his lap and just start kissing me and necking, basically. While he is nuzzling my neck, he will say something like, "Don't think I didn't hear how you talked to me at dinner. Was that respectful? Is that how we talk to each other? You know what would happen if I heard that kind of attitude at home, don't you? You think about that and make it enough to curb your mouth, you hear? Do you understand me?"

The fact that he is whispering rather than speaking more loudly is almost more chastising. The combination of the sexy whisper and the scolding usually do wonders for me in the obedience department. We are pretty openly physically affectionate even when people are around (holding hands, cuddling, kissing) so if someone walked in on us in such a position, we would probably just get a cough or a snide remark. Our nine year old already says, "Geez, you guys, get a room,'kay?" It would just look like him nuzzling my ear and me responding in kind.

Anyway, there are many ways to keep your connection even while at your parent's or other people's houses. Just some thoughts. If you talk about it, I am sure you will figure out something. I don't think stress and fatigue mean you have to sacrifice your connection. I also think that if we conciously make the energy to work on our romantic connection, it can lessen the stress and make the fatigue seem more manageable. My 2 cents, HTH.

Otter*

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"The moment that I looked into your eyes, you owned me."
--Kenny Chesney

Our two children are by far the greatest blessings ever bestowed upon my husband and me. Being their parents taught us more than any other life experience we've shared. We often marvel at the wonder that two misguided fools like us managed to raise two truly amazing kids. Where we both tended to be wild and rebellious in our youths they, teenagers now both attending University, are goal oriented, self motivated and fairly conservative minded. Both received academic scholarships and interestingly, both are in long term, monogamous relationships.

Aside from seizing the opportunity to do some shameless bragging, (sorry), there is a tie-in here with the topic at hand. One of the best things we ever did for our kids was to always put OUR relationship as husband and wife first. Children learn what they live and when children see that Mom and Dad are devoted to each other and enjoying each other's company, they benefit immensely. As they grow and build relationships of their own, they seek to create the same kind of devotion and respect they've seen modeled by their parents. And, when they're gone and it's just the two of you left at home, you're still secure in the most important and intimate relationship of your life, rather than facing a stranger with whom you've totally lost touch because you were so busy raising the kids.

It's funny, the more I read here, the more I realize that we've had the basic elements of Taken in Hand relationship for years, we just never had a name for it. Somehow when the kids were small, we instinctively knew that if we wanted to do a better job of raising them than our own parents did raising us, we'd have to make some changes. Basically, over time, we just kind of slid into, what we consider to be, more traditional roles. He worked harder so that I could stay home. We discussed everything from business to children, but he always had the final say. We made a conscious effort never to argue in front of the kids, and when that was impossible, we at the very least agreed to keep our disagreements civil and to never belittle each other in front of the kids, or anyone else for that matter.

It wasn't always easy and the roles didn't come entirely natural to either of us. There are still areas we need to work on but over all; we both agree that traditional roles within a family unit, that is a male guided, loving relationship, is the surest way to raise loving, respectful, self sufficient kids.

As far as visiting with others away from home or traveling with the kids, we too miss the physical connections, but we never really alter our behavior towards each other. We never even thought about it. People's reactions to our relationship are usually extremely positive. Most people tend to find the way we relate very romantic. The ones that have a problem with it tend to be the ones who seem most unhappy in their own relationships. I guess that what it really boils down to is that we're too happy with our relationship to worry about what others might think about us.

Thinking about it as I write, the physical aspects are really sort of a side bar or an added bonus if you will. So long as we are connecting on an emotional level, we can wait until we're alone or back home to catch up on the physical side of things. Disciplinary measures such as spanking are fairly new elements to our relationship and I think now that they are probably more of a boost to our sexual enjoyment of each other rather than anything we really need to get, or keep, our relationship on track.

Thanks for all the food for thought!

I can relate. Children (whether grown or not quite) present an issue of handling things differently. Friends and family members likely don't understand, especially if your friends or family are struggling to maintain what is an "equal" relationship. Someone sees you "cater" to your husband, or him exert an authoritative statement, and suddenly you could find yourself defending even the most harmless of things.

Disconnected feelings are awful, it's like one of those carnival games, where the duck gets shot and turns the other direction until it gets hit again and then goes back. Taken in Hand is not the easiest of lifestyles nowadays to publically profess. It's as if, finally, when you settle into a certain life, and find some remote coziness to it, then, the outside elements come along, and it gets disrupted because you have to "pretend to be" someone you are not. It can be more subtle, as someone mentioned. The physical can wait, it isn't the only thrill we (hopefully) get from our lives, but a gesture, a word, a look, can say so much and communicate a lot.

What I don't understand is why, under any circumstances, in any place, around any people, why sometimes (or often) couples whom ordinarily at least kiss each other goodnight, stop doing that. Being exceptionally tired for a night or two is one thing, but every night, when you are away from home, to not kiss and touch at all, that is uncomfortable, disconnecting and downright unpleasant. Certainly nobody's family and friends would begrudge (I hope) a couple's private life to that extent, and honestly, how loud is it really to snuggle up close to the one you love and be grateful for their arms around you and a reassuring kiss that lets you know, regardless of what tomorrow brings with the others, you are safe, and loved, and understood.

Personally, I can't think of anything better in a stressful time. I'm not saying I have it, I simply think it would be nice, and I think it is attainable.

Kal

We have been married for almost 20 years and pretty new to the whole "taken in hand" thing. However I have always known that's what I wanted. It was hard over the years trying to explain to my husband what exactly I wanted and needed and what I thought would help our relationship. He always took it to be being an abusive husband. But now we have that all worked out.

The problem now is he seems to go passive again and again. What I have told him is that I need his direction and authority. I have found that without that I am lazy, depressed, unwilling to be pleasant, and just all around not a very nice person. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am ADD because I feel I need so much direction from my husband. (I hope other ADD people do not take offense to that.) Who knows, maybe I am.

I know that I am happier when my house is clean, my kids are happy, my husband is taken care of and that I have put in a good hard days work being the perfect mom and wife. My husband literally makes me a better person. I feel complete when he is in control. But when he gives up even a little bit of that control, I feel like I'm lost. Mostly like my day was a complete waste.

Like today, I am sitting here writing this because my husband suddenly put on the brakes again and I am feeling like there is no reason to put on my face, dress appropriately, or put on a smile. I wrote him this long email explaining how I am feeling and I am sure I will get the spanking of my life tonight. I was not very nice. Even went as far as to say disrespectfully, "why don't you start acting like a man instead of a 20 year old." Oh yeah I know what I am in for.

I don't ever try to blackmail him into punishing me, however sometimes I think he needs to be reminded that he is the head of our house, not me. Even if it means I have to take one for our relationship. I just need him to understand, that I am happier and so is he when he has control. He gets life handed to him on a silver platter when he is in control and I love it that way.

Rohnda

Being handed something on a silver platter generally means you don't have to do any work to achieve it. Clearly this is not the case with your husband, because as you show you do expect him to do quite a lot of work to get that silver platter treatment. If he feels like taking it easy you obviously are not happy with that.

I don't expect as much control as that from my husband, but then quite frankly I am never going to be the perfect wife and mother, and I don't put in a very hard day's work even now, though I do a lot more than I did.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you needing that much control in your life, because people's needs are very individual, but judging by what you say I don't think your husband is getting anything handed to him on a silver platter. Which I don't think anyone should anyway, I mean every relationship should involve effort from both parties.

You are obviously very happy with your husband and I think that's great, I only meant that I think any relationship should involve effort on both sides, and that in your case you obviously do need to get a lot of input from your husband in order to be able to be a perfect wife and mother. Which is, I think, how it should be, he should be making an effort as well as you.n

I know I'm never going to be perfect, I am far too lazy and lacking in ambition of any kind to want to be perfect. Mind you, I don't know that I would actually make my husband happy if I was perfect.

In the spring of 1990, my best friend moved from the North of England to London to work. She stayed with us for a couple of months while she was looking for somewhere to live. Now, she is the cleanest, tidiest person I have ever known, and while she was staying with us she never stopped tidying and cleaning up. It drove my husband mad. She really, reallly got on his nerves. I was astonished, because I thought a clean and tidy house was what he had always wanted above everything else, I thought he'd be happy, but he wasn't. So ever since then I've wondered whether he really would like me better if I was the perfect wife, or whether it might drive him barmy.The same thing happened when my sister was staying with us when I was in hospital having my third son, her cleaning and tidying really got on his nerves.

I don't treat my husband like a king, but then he doesn't treat me as a queen, we're not really into the king and queen thing. To me, being treated like a king or queen, suggests rigidity, formality, distance, none of which appeal to me. I prefer a more relaxed way of living.

If my husband told me while spanking me that he wanted me to be a better person I think it would absolutely terrify me. Fortunately, he usually confines himself to telling me that I must remember to keep a closer eye on the children, clean up after myself, not get distracted by the computer or the TV etc. Becoming a better person, Christ no, I don't want to have to do that!

I loved your response. Okay let me refresh my earlier statement about treating my husband like a King. What I meant was I really let him know that he is the HOH. It makes him feel good. I don't mind boosting his ego. He deserves his family to look at him like that. He works harder than any one person I have ever seen or heard of. We are not distant at all. As a matter of fact it would drive my husband mad too if I was tidy and constantly picking up while he was home. No when he is home, I spend all my time or as much as possible being close to him. That is what he expects of me and I don't mind it one bit. When he is not home however, I spend all that time, doing my errands, cleaning the house, taking care of the children, cooking, and so forth. I do understand that for a lot of housewives and moms, that this is just not possible. This is probably why my husband and I could not have this relationship any earlier in our marriage. I worked, took care of four babies, and was too tired and lazy to take care of him.

I can so relate though about people coming into your house and constantly picking up and cleaning. My husband also hates that. He thinks it's rude for someone to come into my house and try to be a better housewife than myself. That may not have been the case in your situation when your sister came to visit, but it was in mine. My sister came to visit while I was visiting my sick mother. She tried to show me up while I wasn't there. My husband finally told her what for and she learned her place. I felt good that my husband recognized that. I don't want anyone to get the idea that our relationship is rigid and has no depth. I get to see my husband about 3-4 hours a day and on the weekends. We make the very best of that time.

I suppose to me becoming a better person suggests an improvement in character, becoming nobler, more unselfish, more spiritual or something. I don't know that I have become a better person exactly. I do try harder to be considerate of my husband and respect his wishes, but I don't think of myself as perfectable. I still sometimes have moments of rebellion when I just feel like saying "Oh, I don't care that I forgot to clean up the kitchen, or that I didn't notice that the third son had scribbled on the armchair with ballpoint pen" (ow, that was a painful one). And I admit to being quite glad to be able to relax occasionaly and not have to bother that the living room looks like a bomb has hit it, as it does this afternoon, with He Who Must Be Obeyed being away until Sunday night. I'll spend Sunday cleaning the house up, but meanwhile, to hell with it.

The terrible thing is though that he says his company is going to give him this new phone that you can use where you can actually see the person you are talking to. He says if he gets one for the house he can phone me up on his and make me show him what sort of state the house is in, this means I'll have to clean up all the time he's away as well, which is SO unfair. Do these phones actually exist or is he just pulling my leg? He knows I'm a total ignoramus about technical matters, and I wouldn't put it past him to be making it up.

If they do exist I'd clean the house really well once and take pictures of everything. That way you can just hold up a picture of the kitchen or the living room:)

I'm lucky...my boyfriend is a bigger slob than I am, and realizes that after I've worked all day the last thing I want to do is clean. The house gets cleaned on the weekend, and he will help with just about everything (for some reason he won't touch the dishes) I just need to ask because he has a much higher tolerance for the mess than I do and he simply doesn't notice if I don't ask.

As far as spanking making me a better person, I don't think it does. It makes me a happier person, and I think that's enough.

I love that. I've been warned that if I cop another attitude during pms and throw it around, I will be feeling the affects of it from my husband. I have to be honest, I couldn't handle to be spanked every couple days. That last one hurt so bad and what seemed to last 6-7 minutes really will make me think before I do the same stupid thing again. My husband made me make my own paddle. It's called "the daddy paddle" Yesterday he said, "go get daddy" I found out that I did a really good job on it. My back end hurt til I fell asleep last nite.

When a man spanks you just because you long to feel his authority, what can he say that would make you really feel reconnected? All my brain can see is me being spanked and my husband saying to me,"I am only doing this because I feel that we need to reconnect". Is that what is said? I am just curious. I am not judging. I know that I have felt disconnected and wanted that spanking but never pushed my husband for it because I think we both would feel, what would he say to me during the act?

A couple of weeks ago things around here changed . We helped our eldest child move into a new apartment and my husband has been so busy with work that he just gets tired etc. I was feeling irritable and he noticed then would threaten to get after me but he didn't.

The other night we had a huge fight about Taken in Hand and I was in tears because he misunderstood something that I had said. I thought that he was done with it and he asked me is this all about one portion of our relationship? What would happen if we didn't have it anymore would our marriage fail? I said NO it wouldn't fail but that I feel that Taken in Hand has enhanced our relationship it adds the extra flavor. I did not want go back to humdrum. It's just that for us this so has been good.

Well, this went on until 2:30 am and thank goodness he had Monday off. About 2:00 he had had enough of me and my anger. He turned me over the bed and spanked the heck out of me and expecting me to repeat after him that I would not behave like that again! Now that was a new thing. Usually he spanks me telling me that he loves me before it starts and then he will hold me afterwards. This was new and I refused to answer him. He was relentless and until I submitted he would not stop spanking me.

Finally I came to that point of submission and when the spanking stopped he cuddled me and making love was erotic! For me it was a well desereved spanking and way overdue. It was the connection that we needed. It doesn't mean that we don't connect in other ways because we do. It is just that this type of connection is such a strong way of communicating.

Right before the spanking he informed me that he was going to give me 500 whacks for each negative comment I had made to him during our fight. (It wasn't that many but felt like it) I emailed him this morning and asked him about the 500 whacks and he said "Heck no 500 whacks would seriously hurt you but you will receive your usual 50 plus..." Our youngest child is going to be gone for the next week and for each of those days he told me that I will receive a spanking for all of those things I said to him.

He emailed me today and told me that he is glad that I still have some pain from the spanking because that will serve as a reminder of how to behave.

It is a connection that I embrace and a connection he feels is important. I never thought we would argue about Taken In Hand but we did and with the air cleared this is something that is permanently a part of us.