What are my rights as a Taken In Hand woman?

[Editor's note: Most of this article is an excerpt from The Power Relationship, an article that is on the writer's own website: BDSM Questers. Dragon has kindly added an introduction for the Taken In Hand audience.]

Unfortunately, we still find that too many woman perceive entering a dominant submissive type of relationship as having no control over what happens to them or the quality of the relationship or even their life. They are simply terrified at the idea of turning over that kind of power to another person. They view it as slavery.

Well, slavery does not exist in this country in any form and transitive power relationships of domination and submission, Taken In Hand, D/s or M/s, are a lot more common than people think. That which causes reluctance among people to consider following their true nature arises from lack of understanding and information they can rely on that will answer their questions and ally the fears. As a dominant male of 66 years who was raised from birth in a dominant submissive society and lived it actively all his life with a successful 36 year D/s marriage to a remarkable submissive woman, I was asked to explain the power relationship. 

There are many misconceptions about interpersonal relationships wherein the power to control the quality and conduct of it is transferred from the woman to the man. The most common of these is that, by entering a relationship in which all power is transferred to the man, the woman gives up the right to have any feelings or have any say about what happens to her. Those new to the idea of transitive power relationships like Taken In Hand, D/s, or M/s often think that once a woman has entered such a relationship, she no longer has any rights, whatsoever.  For example: If the man suddenly decided to change the entire basis of the relationship from, say, an exclusive one to one in which he has other women, or if he stops being honest with her, she cannot object.  That, because he is the man and he is in control, he bears no responsibility for the impact of his actions or decisions upon her and she has no right to complain or be upset. Her feelings are irrelevant. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Regardless of what kind of a relationship any couple has, trust is the glue that holds it together. You certainly have the right as a person to be upset when your partner lies to you or fails to consider your well being.  Therefore, the issue would not be whether the woman would be concerned about how she is supposed to feel or act as his submissive partner because, when the man breaks her trust in him by lying to her or arbitrarily redefining the conduct of their relationship, he can no longer be in charge. If he will lie about one thing, everything is a lie. Ergo, the relationship itself is a lie and it makes no difference what the understanding was or is in the relationship. Without honesty and the faith that he will endeavor to cause you no harm physically, emotionally, or psychologically, there is no relationship. And, at that point, if the woman continues to submit to him, she will be submitting to abuse. Being Taken In Hand, submissive, or a slave, does not mean that the man has the right to abuse you.

The most significant reason the transitive power relationship is misunderstood involves equating power with rights. In the power relationship they aren't synonymous. When the submissive/slave grants the dominant the power to control the relationship they do not give up their fundamental rights. Instead, they entrust them to the Dominant’s care. And, when they turn over the responsibility for their well being they have every right to expect that all of their needs will be met in order of priority, within reason and the confines of their environment, and to the best of the controlling party’s ability. This includes emotional and psychological needs as well as the physical.

Also, the term “slave” misleads and, frankly, I don’t like it because actual slavery doesn't really exist in any of our relationships. Actual slavery by definition is nonconsensual and, therefore, abusive. In the transitive power relationship, total submission isn’t slavery it’s consensual non-consent and that is what is so difficult for outsiders and beginners to understand. The D/s submissive/slave consents to being controlled but they do not abdicate the inalienable rights to which everyone is entitled by default. The right to life – liberty – happiness – security – safety – and all other parts of the equitable human condition. They have the right not to be abused; the right to their feelings and thoughts. And yes, they have the right to make the choice whether to give up or retain any, all, or only certain rights. Submission is in no way an abdication of the basic human entitlements. Entering a power relationship does not obliterate them. The submissive/slave only turns over to the Dominant the responsibility of administering, protecting, and caring for their rights – they do not give them up!

The decision to turn over the power to administer their rights is the most serious decision a person can ever make! However, in the power relationship, no submissive/slave should ever consider that they have relinquished the power to retake their liberty. They must remember that their submission belongs to them and not the dominant. It is theirs to give or take away. This is necessary so that they have the power to protect themselves from an arbitrary and abusive condition, should the need arise. We must absolutely understand that power corrupts and that, because of the explosive dynamics involved, power in any relationship can get out of control.

In a power relationship, consensual non-consent is a transfer of authority and responsibility.  It is not giving up rights. Understanding this difference is imperative because that’s the line that separates what it is that we do from degradation and abuse.

Dragon
BDSM_QUESTERS

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance
My perfect guy, and the marriage he has given me
Stereotypes
My husband's calm control makes me feel submissive
Listening isn't weak
Love and fear
Foreplay
Authority in a Taken In Hand relationship
Wedding vows – I promised to “obey”
The erotic power of unshackled male power

2005 Nov 13 - 08:35 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Clarity

An excellent article that articulates the often obscure areas of rights, power, consensual non-consent and above all trust.

A striking phrase that relates to the article but also resonates within all power exchange relationships is, "They must remember that their submission belongs to them and not the dominant. It is theirs to give or take away."

Thank you.

This Too Will Pass

by Davidaze on 2005 Nov 19 - 20:03 | login or register to post comments

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