If you called the law because he was laying hands on you without your consent, you had every right to do so. That's not what Taken In Hand is about. It is about consent, and most of the time the impetus comes from the wives. So I don't know why you say you used the domestic violence laws "frivolously." That is what they are there for..women who are hit against their will by men who somehow think that like it or not she's supposed to obey.

And now you have convinced yourself that the split was all your fault because you would not knuckle under and because you spend too much money. You seem to have internalized the blame, but is that reasonable?

I find it very disturbing that this woman has been reduced to a state of such grovelling guilt, and I wonder what kind of man is capable of putting a woman into this frame of mind, it would be nice if one get the impression that this Josh was a person who is capable of admitting that he might be less than perfection himself, but I don't get that impression.

Moreover I find it very disturbing that she talks about invoking the law in a way that suggests that he may have been physically violent towards her. I don't know whether it is actually the case that he has been beating her without her consent, because I found some of her descriptions of what had happened a bit difficult to follow, but all this guilt and grovelling and taking all the blame on herself conjurs up to me a picture of a relationship that is to say the least somewhat disturbing.

I say again, what kind of a man reduces a woman to this state of abject grovelling? What kind of a man wants a woman to be like that?

Oh no. I guess I wasn't clear on things. Sorry. He never laid a hand on me! That's what makes my actions so awful. I used it as a last recourse to insist on things my way in an argument. If he got loud and I didn't like it I would cast him aside, and if that didn't work I would call the law. I'm grovelling because I love him!! He hasn't even heard any grovelling yet. He probably won't because he's the type that would prefer holding me close rather than going through so many words. I mean I might begin to apologize, but he would stop me and hold me instead. In other words, he functions more on exhibiting a transformation rather than my stating that I have or will. He would rather feel it than hear it. The truth is I hurt him. The truth is I wasn't happy while being in charge.

You see, I was the abuser not him. I insisted on everything my way. I insisted on everything to be in my name. If he didn't go along I would threaten to kick him out. If he refused to leave I would call the law. I orchestrated control, and I nearly wrecked him. I look back now... and I see images of his facial expressions and I know I've hurt him. I'm only beginning to see his side of things because I'm feeling the entirety of my choices, since he's not here to bail me out again. Why would he endure me? He really loves me? He's not a pushover. I'm ready to give a part of myself up so that I can have more of the real thing.

He hasn't mentioned DD, it's me suggesting it. I used the law as a last recourse to win arguments. And I deprived him of any recourse at all or to have any real effect. What would his choice be but to leave me? I don't want that. I love him, but fair is fair. So yes, I am grovelling. I'm grovelling to all of you. He didn't point out any of my mistakes, it's me realizing them. I'm suffering from the "I told you so," but he hasn't even said anything like that. His past arguments are only ringing in my head.

I'm consenting to something that all of you here are talking about. Why? Because I very much know myself. Because I love him. And because our lives are important. This isn't about submitting unconditionally. He would think that's mindless and he wouldn't be happy with that. What I'm talking about is giving him recourse if from my decisions I threaten the foundation of our finances, or our relationship. Not over losing a set of keys, or forgetting to run an errand. What I'm talking about is a protection over us and me. I value our relationship, and after 8 years I have finally determined what can work; to allow him to be dominant in the areas he has proven himself. I certainly trust his judgement. I certainly do not fear him. But by not fearing him he ultimately has no say, because believe me I can work around anything else. I know myself. I'm saying that I love him enough to not lose my relationship. I consent to his position, and when I don't I expect him to be firm. In fact, that's perhaps the greatest gift I can give him; to allow him to be firm without the law.

We can't have a buddy-type relationship where I'm one of the guys or he's one of the girls. That's all.
He's ready to do and be what I've denied him all along. Sure he's made mistakes, it's not just me. But the mistakes are the ones I demanded. I am living in the full of it now because he isn't around to fix it. What kind of mistakes? Like, letting my son (24 and living at home) borrow my car (it wasn't fully insured), even while Josh has repeatedly said "no don't do it." Where's my car? It's in the impound with the front end mangled (son's ok), but the point is this will make the 7th car my son has lost (for various reasons, between me, his own, and Josh's!). And I don't have a car now. I'm driving Josh's. Why did I lend it? Oh I felt so sorry for my son (he refuses to work and lives at home living the party lifestyle), I thought he was earnest about being responsible. Well Josh would have put the foot down. The car wouldn't have gone out. Knowing me, we would have argued about it because I would be inclined to believe, oh my son has changed sort of thing. In fact if I let Josh have his way my son would be working and paying rent.

I'm not the one abused. Josh is. He has suffered monetary outlays and a reduced sense of self. I am very head strong. But Josh can be absolutely firm in preserving our resources if I let him, even at the risk of upsetting others. I cannot. Had Josh been here I would still have a car. And between us we would have two. Now we will juggle one until more money is shelled out to replace mine. We would have fought over my son's request. Maybe I might let Josh have the final say, more likely not. It would end up going to some extreme where he's out the door, then after the fact he bails me out. This is just one small example of a dynamic of pushing my way that has occured again and again. We fight over the kids. He wants me to be firm and I'm not, then I complain when they roll right over me. Oh there are more examples. I could go on... This is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

I'm not talking about a grovelling relationship. At the very least a 50/50 one. That's something I've never submitted to. Fear of any control, by anyone.

In our marriage I'm not having a 50/50 in the areas where he's most responsible. I'm giving that to him. I love him enough that if we're shakened I want him to stop it if he sees it. He's hard where I'm not, and together we're one and because of that I can be soft. He's going to come back to a woman who can actually be a wife. Because for the first time I'm actually seeing how our opposing sides can come together as one. I don't think I''m wrong in my thinking now, but perhaps I fail to explain it well. This a public forum, and it's hard to admit being the bad guy. I was.

Like I said I was the nightmare wife or girlfriend that some of the men here may have known.

We've both admitted error now. I never admitted error before in our 8 year relationship. I was admitting error for the first time ever in my first post here. An 8 year build up of regrets now made clear. If anything, what kind of woman would ask a man to endure all of that? What kind of man would, except for the kind you can expect to have for a lifetime?

He does have an inflexible personality in some areas, but I think he's had a lot of time to think and so I prefer to think we're meeting at middle ground. However there's no denying the areas in which he excels, and I prefer now to leave those to him. If you read some of my other reponses you'll see how extreme I've been. In the beginning of our relationship it was like East meets West, but for us that's just wrong. I've modified my position, since he's modified his. Since I was right all the time, there was no room for him to talk. I just couldn't see things his way. So yes, I take the blame. I deserve to feel the blame for wrong doings.

thank you for sharing the story of you and josh here with us. i think you made a good decision to submit to him because that may just be the way it has to be.. :-)

don't forget to assure him it is your plain and deep will to subject and that he should ramain firm, no matter how easy it may be to fall back into the old behaviour pattern.

good luck!

Oh yes, it is.

Wow, I don't think my husband could mange that! About 40 per minute maybe, but not 400.

It doesn't feel like fun during, but I definitely have a surge of excitement beforehand, and a glow of well-being aferwards, and that does make it 'fun' for me.

However, if you believe that spanking should be an agonising experience devoid of sensuality or excitement or anything else then I suppose it isn't fun. Whether that's what the person who wrote this article wants I couldn't say.

I gather she wants to be absolved of her guilty feelings, but considering the extreme extent of her guilt, anguish, remorse etc I don't whether a mere spanking is going to do it. It doesn't sound to me like anything less than a lifetime in sackcloth and ashes could possibly make her feel better, her belief in her own vileness seems to be so great.

It may not be fun, but could still be wonderful. It all depends on the context, doesn't it? I am quite sure, for example, that when she is crying and sobbing in a film, the actress is having fun, or if not fun, she is thoroughly enjoying it. If she found it “not fun” she would not be an actress.

Similarly, if your preferred sort of relationship is one involving being spanked and beaten, to say that the spanking and beating is “not fun” in the sense that crying and sobbing are prima facie “not fun” is a bit disingenuous. If you really thought it “not fun” you would not choose that sort of relationship. Those who genuinely believe it is “not fun” would experience it as being abusive. But thousands of women who say that it is “not fun” positively prefer it nevertheless, and thousands of others wait for ever in the hope of finding a man who will beat and spank them, rather than settling for a relationship with a man who doesn't do that. For such women to claim that it is “not fun” is a bit silly, don't you think?

I don`t want my husband to dominate me because it`s fun or because it sexually turns me on. Sure there are times where it does, but it`s also for lots of other reasons. I`m not married for only fun and sexual reasons either.

Autumn

For me, the spanking came before the male-led relationship. I was into spanking for many, many years before I realised that I really wanted it to be about more than spanking, and that I wanted my husband to be in charge in our daily life, not just in the bedroom.

I was very disconcerted when I discovered the whole DD thing, because it had never occured to me that there were adults who used spanking as anything other than a sexy game. I became even more confused as I read these sites that told me that 'serious' discipline should never, ever be erotic or give the recipient any pleasure. The trouble was, the more I read about 'serious' DD, the more seriously aroused I became.

I soon realised that no matter how long, hard or often my husband spanked me, it was never going to be non-erotic for me. The more it hurts, the more 'real' it feels, the more it is a deeply erotic experience. Last night, for instance, he was seriously annoyed about something and I got a really long, really hard, really painful spanking, and instead of the usual 10 extra-hard whacks he finishes off with I got 25. It's very painful sitting at the computer to write this, but all the same, I'm still basking in that after-spanked glow I always get.

You don't find being spanked erotic, so presumably it doesn't make you feel good afterwards, but all the same you must at some level have a desire to be spanked, otherwise why have it in your relationship at all? You can have a male-led relationship without any kind of discipline being involved, so why have it if you don't have some kind of craving for it? It must bring you some kind of satisfaction, otherwise it couldn't be good for your relationship. Visits to the dentist can be painful, I know, but I do not get the same kind of feeling sitting in the dentist's chair as I do lying over my husband' knee. It's an entirely different thing. Going to the dentist and getting thrashed by my husband are not comparable experiences for me.

And incidentally, teeth don't have to be white to be healthy, the natural range of colour for teeth encompasses all sorts of shades.