I fear I have awoken a sleeping dragon

I've been reading Taken In Hand since late September, but it wasn't until about a two weeks ago that I sat my husband down in front of the computer, got him a drink, and asked him – no, begged him – to read everything.

When he came to bed that night, I looked at him with a questioning expression, and he just shook his head. I could not sleep and had to go down to the kitchen to get a cup of tea and sit at the table crying my eyes out. We've been married a long time, and I love him with all my heart, so I could never leave him. But I had to face the fact that the direction I want our relationship to go in is not the direction he wants it to go in. The sense of loss was so bad, but what had I lost? Nothing had really changed. I still had my husband's love and devotion. I still had my marriage.

That was a fortnight ago.

Since then, I have bitten my lip every time I have wanted to raise the subject again. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it, and that's that. No point arguing. You have to want it yourself or it can't work, so I tried to let it go, and cried inside whenever I thought too much about it all.

To be honest, a few days ago, I decided to stop reading Taken In Hand because I did not want to be reminded every day of my life of what I don't have. It seems as though you should be happy with what you have. Thinking about what you don't have could make you go mad with sadness. I have been living in a very grey world these last two weeks.

I even confided in a friend of mine about it. She was a bit surprised by what I want, but she told me that if this is what I want, to give up my dream would be to settle for less than I want. She said that if something really matters to you, you should never give up the dream, because to do so, you have to give up yourself, the heart of your Self. I asked her what the f--- I can do if my husband is not open to these ideas.

She said that if he is the man we think he is, and he loves me as much as we think he does, he will come round, or he will try to come round. She urged me not to make a big deal of it, not to mention Taken In Hand again, to give him time to think about it. Pushing him would likely have a counter-productive effect, she said. Knowing my husband, she was right. He has always hated to be pushed. So I waited.

Last night, something happened.

I don't want to go into the ins and outs of it all, but I have let him down badly this week, and the long and the short of it is that my husband is angry. Last night, he informed me that tonight, I am to go to his study at 10 p.m., after dinner, and that he will give me six of the best with his cane. He said he will not use his hands on me and that his hands will only ever be used for loving touch, never punishment. That is all he said, and he would say nothing more, and has said nothing more since.

Now that he has said that, I am very scared. It is not what I envisaged. I envisaged being spanked with his hand over his knee in the bedroom, then making love afterwards. I am so scared. Suddenly it all seems very serious. I am not a masochist and I have an aversion to pain. Help! I lay awake last night worrying about everything. I feel such a jumble of emotions. Disappointment that he has made it clear he will never put me over his knee (I think!), confusion (why is he doing it this way? will he do it? what does this mean?), worried, and a fear that I had not expected. Is it normal for a man to be so serious about it and to refuse to talk about it, like this? I am scared.

And yet, as well as fearing what will happen tonight, and feeling all these other emotions, I am feeling elated. My heart is soaring. I am seeing the world in colour again. How can I be so terrified and yet so elated at the same time? How can I want this so badly and yet fear it so much too? And feel disappointed and confused and worried all at the same time?

What if something goes wrong and my husband does not do it? What if he does? Wish me luck, everybody. God knows I need it.

To find out what happened, click here.

Caroline

Have you seen the following articles?
I don't want to be a servant or slave
Using the internet to find a partner
I want... to be possessed
To be taken
Form over substance
White hot intensity and boundless joy
Blush and Gary, by Gary
The importance of making myself available
Why being taken in hand helps
Why you should not withhold spanking!

2003 Nov 26 - 14:12 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Best wishes

Dear Caroline,

I hope all goes well for you. The first time for *anything* can be nerve wracking, so this may be no different.

If you feel that his approach is too sterile, talk to him - after the event. Why do I say "after the event"? Simply, you have chosen the role you want in your relationship, with the man in charge and prepared to enforce his dominance. You can hardly complain if he is doing what you have asked him to.... In a practical sense, considering his original response, you might also run the risk of scaring him off from doing this, if you refused to go along with him. I think you are on a voyage to far horizons, with some good and some not so good stops along the way. Do not refuse to get aboard simply because the first stop may not be the perfect dream island you want to get to!

I would suggest you take your punishment, and then talk it through with him, how does he feel, how did it make you feel, and so on. Remember, from the role you have chosen, you are allowing him to make the decisions on what happens next (which islands you stop at)- but nowhere does it say you can't let him know what it is you would prefer....

For what it is worth, my (purely personal) opinion is that spanking is a fun means to an end (bringing people closer together in a relationship) and not an end in its' own right. It re-enforces a physical connection and a link between people, and can serve as a relationship-affirming ritual. It is also so damned erotic as well ;-)

Random

by Random on 2003 Nov 26 - 22:32 | login or register to post comments

The dragon....

Caroline, well it seems your husband certainly loves you, and that is the news of the best kind.

I understand your need of spanking and even more, I understand your need of the connective kind.

Being over his knee, using his hand and feeling the warmth.

I for one don't know if I could follow through with the type of 'practical' punishment that is slotted for you.

What I do know is this.

Because your husband loves you so much, he is open to hearing how you feel.

And this is the biggest opportunity you will ever get.

When you tell him how you need his body to get you through this, he may understand.

And using his hand is not about hurting you, he's holding the cane for heavens sake.

But it's about the connection.

Even if he used a paddle, or something, at least you'd be over his lap and his hand would be on your back, or holding your hip and tucking you close in to him. (my case usually because I squirm)

What I can suggest is this, if you don't feel ready to go through with the cane, DON'T.

It can cause a small (or large)rift between you and that's not as easy to fix as you think.

But given there is so much love, he will probably listen if nothing else.

Best of luck....and for heavens sake talk to the man....Blush

by Blush on 2003 Nov 27 - 17:24 | login or register to post comments

Not the punishment envisaged

I'm not sure I can agree with Blush. I think if you've asked your DH to take you in hand, you have to let him do it in a way that makes sense to him. If you try to control how he does it, he's going to get mad or feel manipulated, like he's being told he has to follow your directions. Then it's more like you're taking him in hand, right? So let him control the process. If you are in real fear, tell him your fears--he should allow you to do that--but at the end of the day, if you want this kind of relationship you have to trust him and give it a chance, and I think that means submitting to the caning. I guess it's already happened now, right? Tell us what happened!

To Blush: couldn't it cause a rift also if she refused to submit to the caning? Don't you think her DH would be judstified in washing his hands of the whole thing if she starts complaining now? It's about the connection, yes, but it's important to trust for the connection too, right?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Nov 27 - 18:53 | login or register to post comments

I agree with everyone!

I find much to agree with in each of the preceding comments. Caroline, if I were talking to you at the time you wrote, I would have tried to find out just how unnerved you were by the idea your husband had come up with -- was it just a few butterlies or were you really very uneasy about it. I would have said to you that I think it is absolutely fabulous that your husband appears not only to be giving you the dominant control you seek, but that he is showing signs of having thought about it himself and has come up with his own ideas about how to proceeed. To me, this sounds extremely positive and wonderful, because instead of just going through the motions and enacting someone else's script, he has created his own, and that suggests that he will be open to further thought and changes should his first ideas prove problematic.

I would have asked how things were going with your husband more generally, and my guess is that your answer would be that everything is going very well, or he would not have gone to the trouble to think about what you were asking for and he certainly would not have created his own ways of doing things.

In other words, I would have tried to help you see this positively. I think it is very positive. And I'll bet that your husband would be very open to making changes. I also agree with Blush that it would be a grave mistake not to speak up if you really were feeling uneasy. And I agree with Random and the other commenter that if you just had a few butterflies, it would be best to trust him and let him do it his way, and then see how you feel then. It would indeed be a pity to put him off by becoming too directive yourself at such an early stage. But as Blush said, there must be consent. If you are genuinely not consenting, your husband should want to know that! And I am sure he would have.

by the boss on 2003 Nov 28 - 03:35 | login or register to post comments

A rift?

To Someone,

I appreciate your seeing both sides of this situation, but perhaps I'm giving a lot of credit to her husband here. I for one love and need to be spanked. But on that same hand, I cannot withstand harsh punishment. My husband knows all these things about me and we have expanded as I can tolerate. It does not make it less exciting or less sexy. But I do come with limits. I mean my own, not his...lol..

If this girl would feel so scared at being caned, if it passed even her 'hard comfort' level, then it would have to be called abuse.

And if her husband understood her, loved her and chose to see what she can tolerate, he is still the master of the situation.

She is not controlling anything by stating what her needs are.

It is up to him to provide them though.

In his way in his time.

I cannot be blindfolded, am I then topping from the bottom because I need to see what is happening to me.

I seriously doubt it. But Gary sure loves me enough to NOT put me in that panic mode of not seeing.

If her husband washes his hands entirely of this because she comes with limits or desires, he is not loving her or understanding her as much as he could...........Blush

by Blush on 2003 Nov 28 - 15:22 | login or register to post comments

No armed combat!

We started on the DD path (At my request) about two years ago. Having read on the net about canes and so forth I mentioned it to DH and got a resounding "NO".He felt that useing"tools" was beneath him. His opinion? "My hand is big enough to do the job and smart enough to know the difference between Disipline and erotic play and I think, sweetheart your bottom will soon learn the difference." Just passing along what works for us

by sweaveca on 2003 Nov 30 - 07:07 | login or register to post comments

Tools of the trade

I say you should take your punishment and if you don't like it, let that be a lesson to you. :) I have caned my wife but only twice. I use a short horse whip or a riding crop for punishment. This is my wife's preference, as she doesn't like the pain of hard spanking or paddling. Different women like different sensations, is what I think. Try the cane/crop, maybe you'll like it better than spanking. You won't know till you try it. A hand is a tool just as a whip is a tool. You just got to find the tool you like best.

by mrtom on 2003 Nov 30 - 17:20 | login or register to post comments

Different strokes for different folks

It's my preference not to be spanked OTK, because my husband's a little overweight and there's not much room there. For us it works best if I'm lying on the bed. Sometimes my husband has me stand at the window or bent over the kitchen counter. I'm not real keen on hand spanking either, only if it's not too hard. I can take a lot more from a crop than a hand.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Dec 3 - 21:09 | login or register to post comments

What a pity!!!

Wish Caroline wrote what actually happened. Now I have such a unpleasant feeling that she is not alright.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2003 Dec 8 - 10:59 | login or register to post comments

Don't fret! She did!

Fear not! Caroline did write what happened. You can read it here.

by Taken In Hand on 2003 Dec 9 - 15:24 | login or register to post comments

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