My marriage is a safe haven

I think of my home and my marriage as a safe haven. I know that if anyone tried to hurt me or my kids, my husband would be all over it. Phone call, 911, left hook, whatever.

When he is out of town I can't sleep! I'll only get four or five hours, because he is not next to me in bed. He finds this a little amusing and calls to remind me to take a nap.

I do hate causing a problem or telling him I've done something stupid. I hate hearing his stern voice and disapointing him. I do feel trepidation in those events, but I never am fearful of him physically (we are not into the spanking punishments.) I listen well and screw up as rarely as possible. But then, he overlooks little things and I never feel like I have to jump through hoops to keep him happy.

I love being dominated in bed in non-painful ways—like having my hands held in one of his while he makes love to me, or being told to do sexy things. But that is in the realm of play. I don't see how being slammed against a wall would make sex better, but then I'm not into pain. In fact, when something painful has happened by accident (he is a foot taller than I and about 80 lbs heavier) it has brought things to a screeching halt, not a higher level of arousal.

In real life, I love that he is the head. I feel secure in that. It makes family life easier, too, because my kids have that same respect for him, and for me, too. I'm the one he protects, not the one he fights. I guess we settled the who's the boss issue years ago, and I don't even remember conflicts over that issue.


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Mine is a Safe Haven Too

I don't know "who's the boss." I don't even care. We take care of and protect each other. Neither one of us wants to let the other down and we both feel bad afterwards if there have been cross words.

Maybe it doesn't have the fire and excitement that some people want, but it has the things we want. When we close the door we can relax. We can be ourselves, we can make our joint decisions, and there's no big power struggle going on just because one person hasn't been designated head of the household.

It works. I don't want to be afraid of my husband. That would be a total turn off. I don't want him afraid of me either. I want a house full of love and laughter. And that's what I've got.

No power struggle

Yours sounds like what I've always thought of as the ideal marriage, a marriage of true equality. The fact that it doesn't seem to be quite what I want in my own life still occasionally strikes me as rather odd, but there you go. Yours is the kind of marriage Maria speaks of in the epilogue of The Tamer Tamed, by John Fletcher's sequel to The Taming of the Shrew first performed in 1611.

“The tamer tam'd. But so as nor the men
Can find one just cause to complain of when
They fitly do consider in their lives
They should not reign as tyrants o'er their wives,
Nor can the women from this precedent
Insult or triumph, it being aptly meant
To teach both sexes due equality;
And, as they stand bound, to love mutually
If this effect, arising from a cause
Well laid and grounded, may deserve applause,
We something more than hope our honest ends
Will keep the men, and women too, our friends.”


That is so romantic, bramble. thanks for sharing that.