Men demanding sex

Men demanding sex

My husband has the right to demand sex whenever he wants, because I have given him that right. Being a man, with the standard male ego, he does prefer when I am into it, though. Therefore, he doesn't demand that I do anything that I am physically unfit for. If I am ill and he really needs some relief, i.e., he will not be able to get to sleep unless he, uh, scratches that itch, we work something out. He does the same for me.

Also, he doesn't just walk up and say, “We WILL have sex now, whether you like it or not, byotch!” though he could and I might actually find it a turn on, LOL. What he does is start hitting on me in the various ways that he has developed over our relationship that he knows I like. If I truthfully tell him, “I will have sex with you but I am really not in the mood because of XYZ” He still does not say “Well, you WILL have sex with me for I am your Lord and Master!”, though again he could.

What he sometimes does in such an instance, though, is get very close up behind me, embrace me in a very dominating way and whisper in his most authoritative voice, something along the lines of, “You are the sexiest, hottest, most beautiful woman that I have ever laid eyes on. It is my greatest pleasure to have your love and submission. I want your body now and I will have it.” Of course, by that point, I have totally forgotten what XYZ were and it is a good thing he usually has such a tight hold on me because I have already melted right there in his arms...

So there is demanding and then there is demanding ...;)

Otter

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Comments

Different ways of demanding

I, too, like the idea of being 100% available to my man, sexually, and have no problem whatever with the idea of sex on demand. (I have every sympathy with such needs!) And I personally would be quite happy with more straightforward, compliment-free demands (or indeed, just the taking of the relevant action, with discussion). But when I read Theo's Sex on command, I was rather put off by the rather petulant tone the post seemed to have. It managed to make something decidedly hot... not.

OTOH, if one were in a relationship, perhaps even a grumpy, petulant demand would be fine. There would be the whole history and context and good feelings of the relationship to counteract the momentary repulsive petulance.

Seduction

Yes, he COULD say, "Spread your legs, Bitch!" and you might find that a turn on, even. But he has chosen the route of seduction, and that's neither petulant nor unpleasant. Of course you forget about XYZ when he turns on the sexual charm.

Theo could perhaps benefit from a lesson on this.

"Pat"

Uncomfortable with seduction

To start out I must state that I much prefer Theo`s approach to the "seduction" approach.

In our home my husband can demand sex any time. Of course he would not do it if I am feeling physically or psychically seriously unwell. This is not just due to his politeness, but also to the fact that he is very compassionate, not feeling like sex if I am unwell.
Otherwise he would come up to me any time, saying that he is going to have sex with me. If I react in a positive way, eyes lighting up and smiling with expectation, then he sees to it that I get my share of the cake, too ;) If I say "Sorry I do not feel like sex, my love", then he would just go on with it, knowing very well that I am complying with his wish but not getting sexual at all. After the intercourse we would be very happy, close and connected, because of the authority which had just been exercised.

If he started to try to seduce me if I said I did not feel like sex at all, I would have different negative feelings. First of all I would feel that he is not taking me, my information about my state of mind, seriously. Then I would feel slight contempt for him for trying to seduce me instead of just excercising his authority which I have given to him. And finally, and this is the worst part of it, I would feel obliged to respond to his seduction, because this is obviously what he wants from me. But how can I respond if
—I do not feel like sex in the first place,
—am irritated because I am not being taken seriously
—and finally because I cannot help but feel contempt for my head of the household!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My only chance in this situation would be to act sexual arousal just to fulfill head of the household`s expectations on me, in clear words to _lie_to_him_.
Should I decide to do this, to lie to him and act as if I responded to his seduction, I would be bound to make a fatal mistake. Because I do not feel like sex at all, I would try to get over it in as short a time as possible, acting arousal very quickly, making him believe that a quickie is just exactly the right thing for me. Now how shall I explain it to him next time, when I do feel like sex, that a quickie is _not_ a turn-on at all (or just on very rare occasions)??? Shall I tell him that I had been lying to him last time? He would feel very frustrated if this happened because he would feel that I was treating him as a child, lying to him. This would be very hurtful, and this together with the ensueing distrust and resentments would destroy a big part of our relationship.

In one word I would certainly prefer that ibuprofen ;)

A different kind of seduction

I hear what you are saying Saskia and I actually agree. When I am not in the mood my husband does not "seduce" me in the standard sense of the word. It's not kissing and touching and flattery. It is just him physically taking control of my body and then telling me, "You belong to me. I want you. I will have you now." He is not "trying" to seduce me, he is telling me in no uncertain terms that we will be having sex now. He is just telling me in a way that he knows damn well will turn me on. He knows me so well, it always works, too! There is no asking, no convincing, no trying to get me in the mood.

He doesn't usually climb on top of me and just let me lay there while he does his thing (though the few times that he has, I have very shortly gotten right into it). I do not know what would happen if he did this and I still did not feel like it, that has never happened. The mere reminder that he has power and authority over my body and that he is willing to exercise that authority, whatever it takes, has always been enough to get me in the mood. But, then, lately I'm always in the mood, even more than he is, LOL!

Would your view of sex on demand change if. . .?

I let my husband know when we were dating that when we married I would not withhold sex. It was just something I believed in. We also established right up front that he would be the leader in our relationship. We were in accord on that. I was a virgin when we married and quickly discovered that there were several possibilities for relations depending on how active each of us wanted to be. It wasn't just a clear issue of withholding or being available.

While I was quite willing to "give in" and respond at those times when I really didn't feel emotionally turned on, I found that I was growing to resent his prodding me into the more active role by suggesting what to do next after he had been the one to initiate.

In my relationship I have gone from virgin naivete to, contrary to my basic philosophy, insisting that I will only do certain things if they are entirely my idea at the time, back to allowing myself to be drawn in to the active role. Convolutedly enough, I think taking the more passive role actually is a power thing for him. He does it because it's pleasurable for him and because he can. I've tried to bear this in mind and allow it to be a bit of a turn-on for that reason, but it's quite a mental leap. Generally, I still find it irritating, but I don't want to turn my philosophy that he is the leader on its ear by saying, "except in the bedroom where my mood dictates." Otherwise, our relationship is very good.

Many here are saying that they are 100% available to their husbands barring serious physical or psychological difficulty. I'm curious. Those of you who say that you are sexually available to your men at all times--does that mean just passively? Would you put up with him initiating sex and then, for example, asking you to assume the superior position? If that's what he stubbornly wanted, would you submit to that even if you found it, while not degrading, less than appealing? If not, how, as a Taken in Hand partner, would you put an end to it?

Would your view of sex on demand change if...?

Interesting question. My partner and I have agreed that I am sexually available to him at all times and in whichever way and whatever circumstances he wants. This has led to a high degree of excitement as he is constantly surprising me. The mental turn-on is immense and the physical turn on inevitably follows if it was not there at the outset. However it is he who is usually the active party—he usually 'takes' me. However there are also a significant number of times where the arrangement takes the form of him telling me to perform oral sex on him or merely indicating this is what he wants. At these times of course I'm the one doing all the work but I find this exciting.

If he invariably directed me towards the active role however and then became passive I'm not sure how I should feel. I think there would be some dissatisfaction in that for me. I accept it can be a power thing, as you say, but I think I should feel I was being taken advantage of if I was always the one required to put in the physical effort so to speak, rather than it being reciprocal overall.

Would your view on sex on demand change if ...?

At no time would I feel degraded by anything my man wanted from me. I have the utmost faith that he would not harm me or seek to humiliate me and therefore I am happy to do whatever he demands of me. If he wants the luxury of laying back and revelling in my attentions now and again, I certainly would not feel that he was making me take control.

Kind regards
Lee

Tone

Pat thinks I could benefit from a lesson. I'm certainly getting plenty here.

When I began this response I thought I would be saying I'm getting very mixed messages from posters. But when I looked again, I found they're practically unanimous:

- he doesn't just walk up and say, “We WILL have sex now, whether you like it or not, byotch!”
- though he could and I might actually find it a turn on,

- I personally would be quite happy with more straightforward, compliment-free demands
- if one were in a relationship, perhaps even a grumpy, petulant demand would be fine.

- If he started to try to seduce me if I said I did not feel like sex at all, I would have different negative feelings.

... etc., etc.

Yes, I think the boss got it right: it was my tone that pressed people's buttons, not the content of what I said.

Theo
chas_dar@yahoo.co.uk

Always Available and Passive/Active

"Would you put up with him initiating sex and then, for example, asking you to assume the superior position? If that's what he stubbornly wanted, would you submit to that even if you found it, while not degrading, less than appealing? If not, how, as a Taken in Hand partner, would you put an end to it?"

Depends how you mean and without getting too technical, if he told me to do a particular act then I would (I'm talking about the two basically takeninhand relationships I have had since my divorce) as I did with my ex-husband in our long marriage. I have noticed an important contrast. In my marriage where my husband was not interested in taking me in hand I would often submit to sex and not want it and I'm sure that wasn't much fun for him. Yet with someone with whom I have the right mental connection my doing basically the same (which to an outside observer might look like lying back and thinking of England or whatever) that compliance can be very pleasing to him.

I think couples need to work out what suits them privately. Certainly a dominant man telling a submissive woman to get on top is still very much in control.

Demand and desire

I cannot find again the post Sex on command, so I add my comment to this one.

I happened to switch between arguing to and to this post. My present situation is of a woman desiring sex.

I fully agree with the boss that rejecting sex is torture. Is that like that woman and man being quite different, man should not be deprived of sex (woman should "get ibuprofen..."), but a woman should patiently wait? I know men are different, but my frustration and deprivation is real!

Hali

This is a hot topic it seems...or it was

I don't see anything wrong with "demanding" as otter put it (sorry I can't figure how to make the italics work) Truth be told were I not in the mood for sex, a playful spanking guised as him punishing me for not wanting to would get me in the mood right quick—a real one would anger me and probably cause me to tell him to bugger off—and him just "taking" me would be akin to rape—for me— Again I think it all comes down to there is no 1 right way, the right way is what works for you.

~Ambivalence~

"Demanding" Sex

Yes, S demands sex of me, but when we first started our sexual relationship—before we agreed upon a Taken In Hand relationship, I told him of one specific act that I did not want to try because it repulses me. He has kept that in mind and does not attempt to coerce me into that act—even though it was part of his sex life with his ex and he seemingly enjoyed it—so I suppose he misses it.

Other than that, however, he demands or seduces me and I respond favorably because I love him and there are few times that I don't want him. Sometimes he wants me to pleasure him—just for the sake of me doing the work and him being 'relaxed' and that is fine every now and again. It is rare. I'm not sure how I would feel if this were to become a regular part of our life...

M

Relative respect

For me... the concept described of seduction when a woman is not in the mood is all relative to the complex give and take of a Taken In Hand relationship. By being 100% available, a woman is respecting the man's needs/urges. If a man seduces his partner, depending on circumstance, it's a form of respectful message. "You promised to always be mine when I wanted, and right now that matters to me.", although, that's also a matter of respect and understanding of one another as well. Obviously, not all women are okay with the seductive approach, and others prefer it. The best answer, as is usually the case, is spending enough time to learn what each other's peeves and quirks are. You can't work together if you don't study the same material.

Just my two cents

Wolfcry

I love your comment:

"You promised to always be mine when I wanted, and right now that matters to me.",

This is what comes accross when S seduces me. At times he does initiate sex when I obviously don't want to, but it is at these times that I know he really needs me due to urges or whatever. For S, sex is a great stress reliever, hence when he has had a stressful day at work this is the first thing he wants when he walks in the door.

Just like I have the need to be the center of his attention when we are at social events and he obliges with love, kindness and lots of attention, I respond in kind when I know the reason he wants sex is to release the tension of a long day. And hopefully I am always loving and kind and show him lots of attention as well.

M-