Living the fantasy 24/7

When the subject of husbands controlling and taking their wives in hand comes up, some men imagine that that must mean that they will be expected to play a rather exhausting part all day long. “ I just don't want to live that fantasy all day long”, said Melguy.

If by that Melguy meant that you have got to be dominant and in control all the time while in a Taken In Hand relationship, then I don't think you do. A lot of the time my husband isn't actually being dominant, he is naturally very bossy about the things that are important to him, but a lot of other things he doesn't care about at all and is mostly very laid-back about. And a lot of the time we relate to each other just like normal people, without any element of Taken In Hand being involved. Neither of us really is being dominant or submissive when we're going round Sainsbury's doing the shopping for instance. Listening to our conversations about “What would you like for dinner?” “I don't know—what would you like?” nobody would get the impression that either one of us was dominant. But if I get in a sulky or petulant mood, then he'll become dominant instantly, even in Sainsbury's. It just comes naturally to him to become assertive when I “get above [my]self” as he puts it, or when it's something he really cares about.

Most of the time my husband is just “getting on with life doing the 101 things that need to be done or relaxing”, as Melguy put it. Nevertheless in a sense my husband is in control 24/7 because I am always aware of the undercurrent, and the fact that his dominance will come to the surface should the need arise. This gives life an added spice and interest. He isn't constantly telling me what to do, but he does tell me what to do when it comes to things that matter to him. If there are things that don't matter to him then he doesn't bother. You don't have to be “doing it” 24/7 in order to have a Taken In Hand relationship, but I do need to know that my husband will assert himself should the need arise. In that sense it is 24/7: though he isn't actively dominant all the time, the potential is always there.

Louise C

Take the Taken In Hand tour


Every day life

I totally agree with you. I see being taken in hand as being a life style choice that we have made that informs a lot of our life but isn't our whole life. It is just one aspect of my life, albeit of high importance. I think when we first started this life style it had primacy for both of us; at this stage I do think it took more of my husband's energies as it was a learning curve and a period of adjustment.

We have fallen into a rhythmn now that, outwardly anyway, appears "normal" or mainstream but has an under-current for us. It does eroticise chores for me, which is good as I need all the help I can get to give me the incentive to do the housework. As with your husband Louise, I know that if I get petulant or am inconsiderate he will instantly take control and deal with me, often just with a look or squeezing my arm a little.

Funnily enough doing the supermarket shopping is a time when I very much feel under my husband's control. It used to drive him mad when I wandered off and he had to spend time looking for me. Now he expects me to stay with him, even when he's looking at the boring techie stuff. Fair enough, as he doesn't wander off when I'm looking at the fun sanitary products! You have no idea how hard I find it not to wander off, but I can see that would be very annoying for him. We used to snipe at each other at times when we were shopping, but now we have a laugh. He sometimes spends ages looking at something inane just to see how obedient I'll be! I know he's playing mind games with me so it just makes us both lighten up a bit.

Best wishes
Jane M

Eroticising chores

I found that Taken In Hand did have that effect on me in the beginning, that I found doing chores erotic because I knew I was pleasing him by doing them. However, that feeling wore off to a large extent after a while, and I found myself becoming as bored by housework as ever. I have kept on trying harder than I used to, but it is more of an effort now than it was to start with, the wave of euphoria that carried me along at first died away gradually. However, the feeling "I'm doing this to please him" is still an incentive to me, and it does give me a bit of a buzz, even if it's not such a powerful feeling as it was in the beginning.

I wish he would be more decisive when it comes to shopping actually. He seems to want to have conversations about what we should have for dinner, whereas I would prefer it if he just said "Let's have this or that" and left it at that. It's one of the areas where he doesn't particularly want to be dominant. He cares far more about food than I do. When he went out to get the shopping before Christmas, the first supermarket he went to was out of turkeys, so he had to go to another one and it took him ages. "What would we have done if there weren't any turkeys?" he said to me. "There's some fish fingers in the freezer" I replied innocently. Naturally, I regretted that remark later!


The erotic undercurrent

Louise said, "Nevertheless in a sense my husband is in control 24/7 because I am always aware of the undercurrent, and the fact that his dominance will come to the surface should the need arise. This gives life an added spice and interest." I couldn't agree more. When we're in the Taken In Hand flow, especially for an extended period of time, that's exactly how I feel. When my husband spanks me for, say, leaving my clothes lying about, for the days to come I'm in a much more submissive state of mind which tends to influence my interaction with him overall and makes me so much more conscious of pleasing him, making us both happier. I will admit that that feeling can slowly wear off over time. To help with this, we're considering maintenance spankings as a reminder of his authority and my acceptance of it.

I agree Louise. S doesn't go

I agree Louise. S doesn't go around every day telling me exactly what I should and should not be doing. But I know what is expected. And when I get angry, I know to control my mouth or suffer the consequences.

He would never want to control every moment of my life—that would be exhausting, but like your husband, when something is important to him, it will be done his way—no questions. If I choose to do something different, than a spanking will be pretty swift. If I choose to be disrespectful (a HUGE no-no in my house), then a spanking comes quickly as well as other punishment. Needless to say, since I don't like either, when something is important to S, I go along...It's easier and we both like it that way.