Lessons from my marriage for wives wanting their husband to take them in hand

Wives who want their husbands to take them in hand sometimes make mistakes that jeopardize their goal. It often sounds to me like they have not really given control over to their spouse. They print out articles from Taken In Hand that appealed to them. They sometimes even make up a contract of behaviors they want or need to change and ask their husband to sign off on it. They drop big hints to their husband to get him to punish them. Worse, some women behave badly in the hope of discipline. They get frustrated when their husband doesn't behave the way they want him to.

If you are a woman wanting your husband to take you in hand, and he's willing to do so or at least hasn't pushed your ideas away, then the two of you might be able to put together a Taken In Hand relationship. But for your husband to take you in hand, you have to stop telling him what to do. If you want him to be the captain of the ship, you have to let him take the wheel. Send your husband to the Taken In Hand site. Print out articles that don't appeal to you as well as some that do, and discuss them with him if he is willing. Let him get as much knowledge and feeling for a Taken In Hand relationship as you can. Then sit and talk about what you need and what you want. Make sure you can differentiate the two. But talk about it as two adults, and when neither of you is upset. Let him come up with his own plan of action to ease into a new dynamic for the two of you.

Here are a few pieces of advice from my own marriage and experiences in “converting” my husband to someone interested in this kind of relationship.

1) Men like to fix things. If you go to your man and tell him what's broken (i.e., what needs you have that aren't being met) it is in his basic makeup to want to fix that. And there's a very good chance that he'll come up with a plan or dynamic that will suit you quite well, even if it looks nothing like what you are currently imagining. But going to a man with a bunch of articles and a pre-written contract is not going to appeal to his dominant nature. That's basically handing him a script, saying "Please behave more dominantly, just like this says. Thanks!" If he needs more input or insight into your desires, try talking or writing about fantasies. But giving a man directions on how to take charge just seems to go against the grain of both what you want, and their basic nature.

2) Go slowly. When you are just starting a Taken In Hand relationship, things can get really hot and steamy. This heat and intimacy is precisely why most of us seek out this kind of relationship. But my experience has been that if it gets too hot too fast, that you can't sustain that level of intensity over a long haul, and the relationship starts to fizzle and burn. Rather than going for the gusto on day one, try easing into a new dynamic in your relationship. If it fizzles from going too fast, you can damage the relationship you already have. But by letting both of you work into a new dynamic at your own paces (even if his is slower than yours!), you can keep what you have and improve on it.

3) A lot of us are creatures of habit, and are slow to change. Even if your husband comes up with the best plan in the world, it may take some time for allowing his natural dominance to be at the forefront of his dealings with you to become a habit. He will slip, as will you. Don't slip for the sake of punishment. If you need to be punished, talk to him about your need. Don't try to misbehave into getting one, as that's just trying to wrest control back. If he's agreed to some sort of discipline, and falters, once your feelings are no longer bruised, point out to him what happened and tell him how you wished he had handled it. But try to refrain from telling him what to do all the time to keep you happy.

4) Try to live with his decisions and punishments, even if you don't like them. That's kinda the point of a punishment, is it not?

Good luck with changing your relationship.


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Great advice

Wow! That whole article hit the nail on the head. I feel as if I was totally ment to read that. I really feel kinda dumb after that because I actually for the first time got to see that I do all those things to my husband to try to get him to take me in hand. He wants to, but I push him and try to do things to make him punish me and I get extremely frustrated with him almost daily because I feel he should be doing more or learning faster. Thank you so much. I really feel that your article is going to help me. So at least you know there is one person out there who is gonna take your advice and hopefully be helped..

Thanks for this!

Charlene, thanks a lot for this insightful and much appreciated piece of advice. Like ladyoslin75, I, too, felt as though this was aimed at me particularly, because you address the very issues my husband and I have been wrestling with in the past weeks. It's as he observed the other day: "You only want to be taken in hand when it suits you." Well, it's not like I want this, but it seems I'm acting like it without wanting to. Somehow I want him to assert his authority even or especially at the times I'm trying to be in control. My personal solution would be for him to spank me for this kind of behaviour, but I guess that's again fantasizing about how I want him to behave rather than submitting to his way of dealing with things. Anyway, it's encuraging to see that others have been successful in solving similar problems.

A Male Perspective

Ella wrote “Somehow I want him to assert his authority even or especially at the times I'm trying to be in control. My personal solution would be for him to spank me for this kind of behaviour, but I guess that's again fantasizing about how I want him to behave …”

I think that this is one of the needs that it is most important for a woman to reveal to her man clearly and directly, in some way.

Dominant men do not have this need, and would respond in a very negative way to any attempt to subjugate them. So they cannot understand this need directly, from personal experience.

Men are always being told by some segments of society that this is a horrible way to treat women, and women are being told that even being given a stern look should be a crime.

And even naturally dominant but kind men, who find it quite easy to exert necessary control over others, can hesitate when dealing with the one they love and don’t want to hurt, mentally or physically.

So, once there is sufficient trust within the relationship, a woman who has this need almost has a responsibility to explain to her man what she needs him to do (even when she is being a screaming lunatic). And to reassure him that he has her consent and that she will not leave the relationship or seek revenge when he makes inevitable mistakes.

Very good advice

Charlene, for me this was one of the best articles I`ve read on this site from a Taken In Hand woman. From some of the answers I have been getting here when writing things about my own relationships I was wondering if some men only take their women in hand when the woman wants to be. When I wrote that I don`t like getting punished and that there is nothing erotic about it people ask me if I`m sure that it is not abuse. It`s just the point that a punishment is supposed to be a punishment and not some kind of pleasure that I can`t wait to get again. Not always getting my way was and still is very hard to except for me at times. It`s the same with "his" decisions that I don`t always agree with. I`m not talking about important issues here like buying a house or changing our health-insurance, I`m talking about little things like for instance cooking a big meal where I have to stand in the kitchen and cook and clean for more than 2 hours when all I feel like doing is throwing a TV- dinner in the microwave.

I would never print out an article and show it to my husband and more or less tell him that this is the way I want him to take me in hand. It may be ok for some people but I believe that some men would feel like the woman wants him to be a person that he is not. Not to mention that not all men like to read about other poeples relationships especially when the woman more or less hints: "Look this is the way I wan`t you to be". A man with a dominant nature will not want to act like other people whose relationship seems to be better than his own.

What I have learned from my own relationship is that if I talk to him respectfully instead of right away disagreeing with his decisions and if I try to please him and let him take the lead even in situations when it is hard for me to follow, the more dominant he gets and the more happier we both are. Every couple even the ones who seem to have the most perfect Taken In Hand relationship get frustrated with each other, it`s very important to except that fact and than move on without giving it to many thoughts. Life`s to short to dwell on past mistakes.


Pleasure and punishment

For me, spanking is always both pleasure and punishment. I cannot seperate the one from the other. And my husband would not be comfortable spanking me if he didn't think that I wanted him to "If you didn't get some sort of satisfaction out of it, it would just be abuse" as he said to me once. It's precisely because he knows that I do, deep down, want him to do it, no matter how much I may whimper and protest, that he feels free to spank me as hard and as often as he likes. Without the knowledge of my deep-seated desire to be spanked, I don't think he would be comfortable doing it.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to be spanked if I genuinely hated it, but I don't think it would enhance our relationship if I was faced with the prospect of him doing something to me that I genuinely hated. There are plenty of things he could do to me that I would hate, but they would be more likely to drive a wedge between us than bring us closer together as spanking does. It's precisely because being spanked makes me feel good that it is of benefit to us, because it makes me feel more compliant and want to try harder to please him. it is love, not fear, that kindles the desire to please in me.