Learning the ropes
[The following was an email to my girlfriend.]
So, there I was, driving around minding my own business...like a good cop always does, when the clarity light went off in my head...it was quite blinding actually. I wanted to call you and say, okay, I got it. I've had an epiphany of sorts, and I wanted to share it with you. So, I will attempt to recall to memory what I came up with, from the idea, to a more practical sense of what I'm feeling.
As I said before, while I was driving around, I began thinking... You know, Ken, try to remember what it was like when you first became a cop. Now you might think, WTF does this have to do with anything? Just bear with me on this one.
When I first became a cop, I was really gung ho about being the All-American PO-leece...I studied and read everything I could get my hands on regarding law enforcement (not to mention hours upon hours watching COPS on TV) LOL! Anyway, I knew that this was a calling for me – almost as if it were ordained by God for me to do this. I asked questions, I read books, I watched training videos, I talked with people who'd been doing this job for years.
Much to my dismay, they were vague on a lot of the ‘meat’ of the job. Many times, I would ask, “Well if this happens, then what?” and more times than not, their answers would be something to the effect of, “Well, there's nothing set in concrete on stuff like that because every situation is different.” They'd go on to say, “A lot of situations are similar, but never the same.” So, oh man, I thought... I need to know everything about everything in police work in order to be good at it.....
Well, as you might have guessed, I made a ton of mistakes. This was nothing like I expected. I thought, well I remember seeing this or hearing about this situation, but damn it, there's a different twist this time, so, now what?! I felt like I couldn't do it, like I was wrong about every singe facet of the job.
It wasn't until I'd been doing this for about three years that I noticed a significant change in the way I handled things.. You know, something would happen and I'd think, okay, here's what we're going to do...and voila – it was right.
I can remember back to my Academy days and listening (haphazardly) to my instructor on domestic violence and rookie officers. He said, “It's funny to witness a rookie officer on his first domestic assault call. The scene is complete chaos...lots of yelling, screaming, crying, etc. The rookie officer tries his very best to be diplomatic, telling everyone to please calm down; sir this, sir that; ma'am this, ma'am that – many times just making things worse.”
The instructor then said, “What's amazing is that you can watch that same officer, similar situation, but three years later – and the officer has that policeman scowl, walks up and says, ‘Okay, you: sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up’ and he turns to the other person on the scene and says, ‘and you sit your ass over there and be quiet until I ask you to say something‘.”
So the thought I was having tonight is...I don't have to know everything in the world about being dominant... I'm inherently dominant and have been for a long time. I have just never acted on my true nature before now. I know I'm bound to make a ton of mistakes, just like I did in my job, before I'm able to have it down pat.
Dominance to me means being a leader, being kind and compassionate, fair and honest – but stern. A truly dominant man doesn't take his woman for granted and knows the difference between loving, intimate discipline, and being cruel and hurtful.
There's no set way of doing things, and it will be different for us from how it may be for another couple. What I have to do is concentrate on what is right for us, be consistent and be myself. What I also have to do is not think of dominance as a label, or what I think you think I should be like.
What I do need from you is your patience and your support. I need you to understand that I don't know everything there is to know about taking you in hand – although I can handcuff you in more ways that you can imagine ;-) ... I will need you to be have an undying faith in my ability to lead us, guide us, and support us. I won't let anything or anyone harm you, and I do value your opinion and your judgement.
This means so much to me. It means more to me than I know how to articulate, that you're, in a sense, giving me my freedom and my dignity back. Do you remember when you told me that I made you feel like a real woman, that no one else ever has? Well, you make me feel like a real man... and just so you know... no one else ever has.
All of this has stirred my very soul and for the first time in my life, I feel like what I'm doing here is worthwhile. Now, that may sound a little extreme, but I feel liberated and strong... kind of like my eyes have been opened – and I have you to thank for that.
So, in short, with all that I've said you've done for me, I want you to know that you have my loyalty, trust, respect, and admiration. I think that a man – or anyone else for that matter – who doesn't appreciate being shown a glimpse of the greatness that that person has the potential for, is doomed from the beginning.
I hope that you have a very clear perception of how I feel and what I've thought about all night tonight. I hope that you had one terrific night at work, and I hope that you have the sweetest of dreams... and most importantly, I hope that you know that I'm just head over heels crazy about you... There are not enough adjectives in Webster's to describe my feelings for you. Goodnight to you, my precious Anna Grace....
Taken In Hand Tour start | next
Have you seen the following articles?
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance
What if your wife feels scared and vulnerable?
Letting myself go
How are things different from before Taken In Hand?
Enjoying consensual sexual aggression
Three female film characters I admire
My friend, my lover, my rock
Our type of Taken In Hand marriage
A man leads with love and kindness
Reassurance for those new to all this
Comments
#1 What was it you did for Ken,
What was it you did for Ken, Anna Grace, that triggered this moving letter?
#2 What a glorious letter
How lucky you are to have received such a positive response and what a great boyfriend you have. Good luck!
#3 OMG what a sweet guy !
When I read that Ken was a cop I thought "here we go, guy with gun is the more dominant" but I kept reading. All couples have their ups and downs. Bring out this letter when you are feeling like "why do I put up with this jerk" (believe me, no matter how much you love someone that thought will still come to you) and you will remember why.
God Bless !
#4 What have I done?
Malcom, you asked what I did to receive such a response. I would think that all I've done is what any woman who asks to be taken in hand does, simply given him the power in our relationship to be the man he is. (I mentioned your comment to him, and he may comment further.)
#5 Moving love letter
Ken, the light of goodness shines out of every word you write. What a moving and beautiful love letter. If only there were more men like you.
Anna Grace, you must be very happy with this man. I envy you and wish you the best.
sub
#6 thanks for sharing
I was deeply moved by this post, by the last paragraph tears were sliding down my cheek... perhaps because that spark of understanding, of willing, is one of the most precious things we can share with our lover...
I couldn't help thinking of two things, how lucky we are, when we have been able to share it, and how so many couple can never get there, be it because neither of them really understands what is going on in their soul, or because one feels a deep hatred/fear of what the other craves.
This site has been very interesting to me, it takes a lot of maturity to make a choice like this one. and guts to be able to discuss it openly - in this politically correct world we live in, something as 'traditional' looking may easily be seen as an attempt to have someone's rights step on.
I will be coming often and reading more. Thanks to the creator and posters for sharing your experiences and explorations with the rest of us.
~Nuala
#7 Anna Grace's boyfriend Ken
Ken's perception of dominance is absolutely perfect! I don't know if I've heard ANY man express a better understanding. My husband is clueless. One thing though - I SURE HOPE YOU DON'T USE THE "F" WORD WITH PEOPLE! It's particularly unprofessional for police officers to use it; I don't care what language the civilians on your call are using. You just make sure you demonstrate class and a proper upbringing. Certainly, don't swear in front of a woman, even if she doesn't speak like a lady. That said, Ken's email to Anna Grace was so beautiful I'm going to have my husband read it. Thank you for being such an exceptional example of a real man. Thank you Anna Grace for being his inspiration, and for passing this along.
#8 Ken's beautiful example
It was indeed a beautiful message, and I too was glad to read it. I am quite sure, however, that Ken is human, not perfect, and it is important to keep that in mind. Don't be too quick to judge your husband. I hate to see statements like "my husband is clueless" (even though he may well be!). It feels a little disrespectful. You might find that your husband becomes a bit less clueless if you can find it in your heart to stop comparing him to other men: that can feel really painfully shaming to a man, and when people feel bad, they are usually not at their best.
There is an excellent book that you (and everyone else!) might find useful. It is: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words, by Dr Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.
#9 Exceptional examples
Showing him the letter is all right, so long as you don't rub his nose in the fact that he is 'clueless' as you put it, which I don't think is the best way to encourage him to want to take control..
Not all men have the remarkable eloquence shown by Ken, some men's talents lie in other directions. My husband would never be able to gush away like that for instance, though I wouldn't particularly want him to anyway.
There are things inbetween a man being clueless, and being Mr Perfect Dominant male, and your husband may be able to find his own level, if he is given a bit of encouragement. Telling him what you find great about him, rather than showing him examples of perfection in other men, might be more encouraging for him.
Louise
#10 "clueless" husband
Thank you, Sarah, for caring enough about my husband's feelings to suggest Patricia Love's book. I've been through so many books, most of them Christian books about love and respect in marriages. The problem, I believe, is that he just isn't interested in anything beyond ESPN and his friends. I worshiped him when we were first together. He ignored me both sexually and emotionally. I gradually turned cold. Naturally, he still ignored me. When I told him I was tired of him behaving like he's single (we have two sons)and I wanted to go find someone who wanted me, he said he didn't want a divorce - but he didn't change his behavior. The boys and I tried treating him as the HOH, even though he kept leaving most decisions to me. I told him straight out from the beginning that he could take me whenever, however, and wherever he pleased; I gladly and eagerly give myself to him. He doesn't care to take me up on it. There's no hygiene problem on my part and no erectile dysfunction on his part. Thinking back on something a friend of his said almost 20 years ago, sex has never been at the top of his list (and I have such a high sex drive!). I was so young and inexperienced that I mistook his youthful cockiness and arrogance as being strong and dominant. He's well aware of how much I love strong, dominant men. We talk about that and websites like this one, and though he's made a tiny effort, it seems too unnatural for him. I have not criticized him for it. Doggone it, though, I'm sexually starved and in desperate need of manly man behavior. I've been praying about this for so long, I'm worn out. He does display jealousy toward other men (without cause!)and he's always kept on eye on where I am. It's like he wants me around, but he doesn't want to appreciate or make use of me. He's definitely not gay, and there's no way he's cheating. I kind of wish he was. I would then have Biblical grounds for divorce. Do you think this is a lost cause? Sorry this is so long!
- neglected
#11 my "clueless" husband
Thank you for caring about my husband's feelings, Louise. No doubt, he would appreciate that. However, the problem is not about mushy words, but about his taking charge the way he should, and ESPECIALLY about his sexual neglect. I do compliment him whenever there's an opportunity - how he looks, his driving skills, the way he knows how to fix everything, how physically strong he is, and certainly after the rare times we have sex, I always tell him how great he was - and I'm specific about, too! I want HIM to be in control, to be masculinely dominant; and doggone it, I WANT SEX!!! Again, thanks for caring enough to reply. I do appreciate it.
- neglected
#12 Wow!
That was a VERY touching letter. Thanks for sharing it!
#13 Dear Neglected - It has been
Dear Neglected - It has been a year since you wrote. I certainly hope things are better for you now.
If not, I wanted to suggest that you & your husband go get counseling to help you through this problem. Maybe there is something there - rooted much deeper than every day conversation can get to - that a counselor may be able to help you both deal with.
I wish you luck!
M-