[The following was an email to my girlfriend.]
So, there I was, driving around minding my own business...like a good cop always does, when the clarity light went off in my head...it was quite blinding actually. I wanted to call you and say, okay, I got it. I've had an epiphany of sorts, and I wanted to share it with you. So, I will attempt to recall to memory what I came up with, from the idea, to a more practical sense of what I'm feeling.
As I said before, while I was driving around, I began thinking... You know, Ken, try to remember what it was like when you first became a cop. Now you might think, WTF does this have to do with anything? Just bear with me on this one.
When I first became a cop, I was really gung ho about being the All-American PO-leece...I studied and read everything I could get my hands on regarding law enforcement (not to mention hours upon hours watching COPS on TV) LOL! Anyway, I knew that this was a calling for me—almost as if it were ordained by God for me to do this. I asked questions, I read books, I watched training videos, I talked with people who'd been doing this job for years.
Much to my dismay, they were vague on a lot of the “meat” of the job. Many times, I would ask, “Well if this happens, then what?” and more times than not, their answers would be something to the effect of, “Well, there's nothing set in concrete on stuff like that because every situation is different.” They'd go on to say, “A lot of situations are similar, but never the same.” So, oh man, I thought... I need to know everything about everything in police work in order to be good at it.....
Well, as you might have guessed, I made a ton of mistakes. This was nothing like I expected. I thought, well I remember seeing this or hearing about this situation, but damn it, there's a different twist this time, so, now what?! I felt like I couldn't do it, like I was wrong about every singe facet of the job.
It wasn't until I'd been doing this for about three years that I noticed a significant change in the way I handled things.. You know, something would happen and I'd think, okay, here's what we're going to do...and voila—it was right.
I can remember back to my Academy days and listening (haphazardly) to my instructor on domestic violence and rookie officers. He said, “It's funny to witness a rookie officer on his first domestic assault call. The scene is complete chaos...lots of yelling, screaming, crying, etc. The rookie officer tries his very best to be diplomatic, telling everyone to please calm down; sir this, sir that; ma'am this, ma'am that—many times just making things worse.”
The instructor then said, “What's amazing is that you can watch that same officer, similar situation, but three years later—and the officer has that policeman scowl, walks up and says, “Okay, you: sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up” and he turns to the other person on the scene and says, “and you sit your ass over there and be quiet until I ask you to say something“.”
So the thought I was having tonight is...I don't have to know everything in the world about being dominant... I'm inherently dominant and have been for a long time. I have just never acted on my true nature before now. I know I'm bound to make a ton of mistakes, just like I did in my job, before I'm able to have it down pat.
Dominance to me means being a leader, being kind and compassionate, fair and honest—but stern. A truly dominant man doesn't take his woman for granted and knows the difference between loving, intimate discipline, and being cruel and hurtful.
There's no set way of doing things, and it will be different for us from how it may be for another couple. What I have to do is concentrate on what is right for us, be consistent and be myself. What I also have to do is not think of dominance as a label, or what I think you think I should be like.
What I do need from you is your patience and your support. I need you to understand that I don't know everything there is to know about taking you in hand—although I can handcuff you in more ways that you can imagine ;-) ... I will need you to be have an undying faith in my ability to lead us, guide us, and support us. I won't let anything or anyone harm you, and I do value your opinion and your judgement.
This means so much to me. It means more to me than I know how to articulate, that you're, in a sense, giving me my freedom and my dignity back. Do you remember when you told me that I made you feel like a real woman, that no one else ever has? Well, you make me feel like a real man... and just so you know... no one else ever has.
All of this has stirred my very soul and for the first time in my life, I feel like what I'm doing here is worthwhile. Now, that may sound a little extreme, but I feel liberated and strong... kind of like my eyes have been opened—and I have you to thank for that.
So, in short, with all that I've said you've done for me, I want you to know that you have my loyalty, trust, respect, and admiration. I think that a man—or anyone else for that matter—who doesn't appreciate being shown a glimpse of the greatness that that person has the potential for, is doomed from the beginning.
I hope that you have a very clear perception of how I feel and what I've thought about all night tonight. I hope that you had one terrific night at work, and I hope that you have the sweetest of dreams... and most importantly, I hope that you know that I'm just head over heels crazy about you... There are not enough adjectives in Webster's to describe my feelings for you. Goodnight to you, my precious Anna Grace....