Learning from the British army ethos

I notice that several gentlemen have put forward articles on what you should be as a husband. So here is mine. Not all men agree with each other's codes. My suggestion is set your own ethos and set it with what you know. For example what I know is the British army ethos and as strange as it may sound it can fit to a Taken In Hand relationship as it does to my muckers.

British Army Ethos

Selfless Commitment: In a relationship it is not just you any more. Stick with your wife like a team. A team is only effective if all play their parts in full. Put her before your own needs, trust her totally; as the leader of the relationship remember she comes first and if you work hard for her she will be more willing to do things for you.

Courage: There are many different forms of courage and in a relationship you need moral courage, for if you make a foolish mistake or commit an error of judgement you have to have the courage to face your wife and admit you were wrong rather than take the coward's way out with pathetic justifications: her respect for you will plummit if you try that. Have the courage to do what is right rather than what is easy.

Discipline: We are all familiar with discipline in a taken in hand relationship but lets not forget self discipline which is what you need to put her before you. If she needs your help or emotional support then you have to give it her. Regardless of whether you are knackered or not in the mood she comes first. What right have you got to discipline her if you can't discipline yourself?

Integrity: No one likes a liar and she cannot trust you or rely on you to command her if you have no honesty: be open and honest or the relationship suffers.

Loyalty: If a woman gives herself to you she naturally would expect absolute loyalty. That means not betraying her trust, and sticking by her side even if the going gets tough. If she has done something foolish or gone off somewhere that you don't know focus on sorting things out or finding her and do not show her up in public and make a fool of her. If necessary, spank her later behind closed doors.

Respect for others: respect her position in life and her expertise in what she is familiar with even if it does not seem very impressive compared to what you do: for example if your job is important and she is a housewife repect her for that because would you want to be in her place? You gain her respect by earning it not by putting her down.

This is what I would put forward as a husband's ethos as it's what I'm familiar with. I don't expect anyone to agree with it and I'm sure many other men and women have their own codes and values to live by that fit with what they do.


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"British Army Ethos"?

I don't expect anyone to agree with it

Huh? You don't expect anyone to agree with it? Excepting specific
references to one's wife or SO, this SHOULD be "Standard Operating
Procedure" in ANY relationship with whom the man is involved; wife,
lover, friend, or acquaintance.

You titled this "British Army Ethos", which implies a code of ethics
which is REQUIRED behavior of ANY member of the British Armed Forces
toward ANY "non-hostile person" with whom he has any sort of
relationship, ranging from the casual greeting on up to the most
intimate of relationships.

You have touched on the VERY reason for the generation of hostility in
ANY relationship; namely, one party or both has chosen to ignore or
devalue one or more of the items in your "Ethos" list.

In short, this is NOT simply "British Army". This is standard expected
behavior in ordinary human interaction. It is behavior that is, or
should be, taught from birth.

Sadly, too many folk choose to ignore such civil conduct. "British
Army Ethos" is far too often discarded in favor of "ethics" which are
FAR less civilized.

Mike Starre

Yes these Are the British Arm

Yes these are the British Army values explained to all recruits on day one which all soldiers are supposed to conduct themselves around albeit restructured by me to fit relationship terms.

I stated that I did not expect anyone to agree with it because it is not what they are familiar with but it is what I am familiar with. Other people did not agree with other articles written with different standards and values.

As for rules like this applying to all forms of life civilian or military I don't know, I learned these values when I joined the Army. Whether anyone else should adhere to them I really don't know and I'm not going to say that they should.

Huh? NOT Taught From Birth? Say WHAT?!?

I stated that I did not expect anyone to agree with it

I hate to burst your bubble, but I **DO** expect ALL to agree with it.
Such is expected by BASIC Human Decency!

As for rules like this applying to all forms of life civilian or
military I don't know,

You place me in a VERY odd position, that of seeming opposition
between basic civility and expected military behavior. As YOU so
eloquently presented it, WHY should there be ANY opposition? CIVILITY
**IS** CIVILITY, and civil rules ALWAYS apply, REGARDLESS of the
presumed author of such rules.

I learned these values when I joined the Army.

SSSSAAAAYYYY WWWWHHHHAAAATTTT?!?!?!?!? (excuse me for the moment, I am
on the verge of passing out from the shock) (slowly recovering) (I
seem to have collected my senses) (OK, I'm here now) !!!!WOW!!!! You
learned these values SOLELY from the ARMY?!?!? TRAGIC that this was
not taught you from birth, but even MORE tragic is the fact that MORE
folk were not taught this from birth, NOT ONLY from the UK, but ALSO
from my own US. I am THOROUGHLY **DISGUSTED** with the so-called
"Modern Society" which seems Hell-Bent on the destruction of the MOST
BASIC of human amenities.

I have nothing but disdain for government-initiated doctrines. For
this reason it troubles me to NO END that I find no fault in your
described "British Army Ethos". But what troubles me MOST is the fact
you were not taught this from BIRTH. It TRULY sickens me that you had
to be taught basic human decency from a government agency. THAT is SO

Calm Down Mate

Stay calm, mate, I had learned human values before I joined up, just not in quite so explicitly structured a manner.

You keep values even more strongly in military life than in civilian life because in the Army you depend on one another more so than ever in the civy world.

The British Army is older than the government and far more competant so learning and bettering myself from it does not trouble me.

Anyway, nice job slotting the article—I'm so sorry it sickened and troubled you to no end. Should I ever write another article I'll make more of an effort not to outrage other readers. The original aim of it was just set your values by what you know but it appears what I know or don't know is heavily at fault.

Excellent article

Abdiel, please don't let this put you off writing articles for Taken In Hand. It was an excellent article, and made your point very clearly. It's AWESOME! Please write more!

More, please

I appreciated your article, Abdiel, and look forward to more.

Mike, I'd appreciate your posts a lot more if you cut way back on the CAPS, extra punctuation, and general histrionics.

My Misinterpretation

Abdiel, it was not my intent to offend you. I take personal offense at
the way most folk are raised these days, namely WITHOUT **ANY** sense
of ethics at ALL. My shock was not because of the ethics listed in
your article, but rather, it was directed at my *presumption* that
your first exposure to such ethics was the British Army.

A further presumption fails to escape me, however. This entails the
possible horrid reality that such ethics have greeted so *many* for
the *first* time THROUGH the British Army or through the US Army. You
may have been blessed by proper upbringing, but I have met far too
many who have not been so blessed.

Heed the words of "The Editor" and ignore any offense with which I may
have afflicted you.

Mike Starre

Don't worry about it

Don't worry about it, mate. it's behind us.

Maybe what I should have is the Army gave me the confidence to act on such ethics as I will always say I have the best parents ever who went out of their way to make me and my siblings happy.

You are correct that some people may be exposed to these certain ethics for the first time when they join a service but don't let that make you lose faith in humanity as by joining a service they have realised they need to correct themselves.

Put your mind at rest though as I'm not angry at you for expressing your own opinion.

And Thank you to the Editor and An Improving Man for their words of support

The 'new' ethos

I certainly hope Abdiel's ethical rules of engagement in any personal relationship become the norm for men and women. I have a very strong opinion on the subject of how much easier relationships between men and women would be if men began with self-respect and women were taught to respect men. This should be basic training, Relationship 101, if you will. ;-)

As for men like Mr. Starre--I'm afraid this appears to be precisely the kind of over-emotionalism that indicates a lack of self-control. No matter how inaccurate impression Mr. Starre's exhausting *OVER-EMPHATIC* WRITING conveys, the "histrionics", as Improving Male called them, are undoubtedly off-putting to many female readers. Perhaps Mr. Starre is unaware of the negative effect such excessive use of capitals and other forms of emphasis has on any woman who is looking for sanity and stability in a man?

Most women who are serious about relationships seek a respectful man, one who knows what he wants from life, and is capable of attaining it without yelling, either on- or offline. This is why Abdiel's 'new' ethos (something I would consider a basic in all relationships, and notice how I didn't need to shriek to say that?) is mandatory.

Yet I would add one detail that this ethos doesn't address directly, and it reiterates a concern of mine: that the man practice the fine art of self-control, which is so much more appealing than being yelled at. A calm and quiet 'no,' sincerely meant and conveyed with conviction, has a power that all the shrieking, posturing, and fake attempts at 'being' dominating (as opposed to actually dominating), do not have. Or perhaps Mr. Starre's excessive use of capital letters and asterisks in his online writing is merely an unfortunate mistake of writing—unfortunate because it gives a terrible and quite inaccurate impression of the writer, who may in real life be a model of calm, self-assured self-control.

My thoughts on yours

Well I would not think that women should be taught to respect men; rather, I think men should earn their respect.
I don't think Mr Starre is in any lack of control of himself, just passionate about his views and there is no harm in that. Using emotive writing on a website is not what I'd do but that's me not him.
And if it's self-control you're interested in, well, that would fall under the catagory Discipline, and for a soldier at least, it is very important as we do carry firearms for a living we certainly would not be trusted to handle those if we were unable to control ourselves. That's one of the reasons we do Bloody Drill to exercise self-control.
Thank you for commenting
Keep well.

Learning from British Army Methods

Abdiel, thank you for writing this, and even more for your gracious response to all who commented pro or con. And what you set forth should be standard operating procedure in all our dealings with others in our lives. And even more so in a Taken In Hand relationship.

So, thank you, for being the kind of husband we all would want to have in our lives.

I smiled as i read one of your comments and you used the word "mate" ... as a very happy and satisfied Yank Taken In Hand wife to a wonderful Aussy "Mate," I can testify to the fact that many Aussie men treat their women based on this ethos.

Thank You

Thank you very much for that lovely comment, lass. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, although by the sounds of things you need no imput from me as your marriage is perfect already.
You flattered me with your kind words describing me as the kind of husband you all want but as far as I'm concerned I'm just your run of the mill student/soldier.
Yes a lot of people in Britain say "mate" as well, although we are not as famous for it as the Aussies.
Hope you're relaxing with your husband with a nice pint of Fosters.
Keep Well.

Women Respect Self-discipline

One of the problem with the article may have been that, unacquainted with the military, some women viewed the writer as advocating an internal boot camp in which the husband was always the drill sergeant and the wife was the eternal recruit or plebe. That is not the case.

Instead, *Taken In Hand* provides a practical means by which men and women can use their complementary nature to settle their differences and strengthen their relationship. Perhaps the strongest unit possible is composed of two individuals working in harmony.

Of course, the opposite is also true. Division is only a step away from defeat in marriage—in this culture defined as divorce.

Whatever the code of conduct a man adopts, it must be compatible with the woman's views. In other words, it must ring true in her ears. It must also come from a man with an inner strength that comes from both knowledge and self-discipline.

Several years ago, a wife admitted that "a good spanking" would probably go a long way toward making her more respectful to her husband. At the same time, she was surprised that a man would understand how a woman thought about spanking. On the other hand, her spineless husband was clueless and she was not about to inform him.

A divorcee said she suspected she had made a mistake a few moments after calling her boyfriend an unprintable name that she had frequently used to taunt her former husband. There was something in his tone of voice that said he was more of a man than she could handle. Like many women faced with a determined man, she acknowledged that what followed was her first spanking since childhood.

Another wife said a light bulb in her life came on when her second husband popped her on seat of her clothes after she launched a verbal barb. Having watched her husband handle other problems, she finally initiated an explicit conversation with her husband. As she expected it resulted in her getting spanked for the first time in her life.

More recently, during an informal conversation with a frustrated young woman—who had given up on professional counseling—I suggested that she needed a paddling. After a thoughtful pause, she replied that she had been waiting for somebody honest enough to tell her the truth. A few days later, apparently after letting her fiancé do the necessary, she sent me a thank you note.

It does not take long in this world to discover that women are not nearly as averse to spanking as they are to an undisciplined man. Men wishing to take a woman in hand need to straighten out their lives first. Then, the rest is relatively easy.


Abdiel this was beautiful to read and for me your ethos is essential. I could never consider a Taken In Hand relationship without such ethos. I struggle with Taken In Hand so respect of the man I entrust myself to is imperative.

I appreciate so much reading the man's perspective and yours made me feel respected and honored--so thank you for that.

Noone's pointing out of women being averse to undisciplined men expresses my sentiment exactly.

I agree Abdiel that men should earn the respect of women and not just receive it because they are men.

Very nice writing indeed!