Journaling: another way to talk

Journaling: another way to talk

For me, it is so much easier to write. When I write, I am forced to analyze my words, and I am much more succinct. When I write, I am far more cognizant of what I say, and yes, it is “on record”. I am forced to admit to myself what I cannot so readily admit out loud...

I suppose that is the next step, the talking about it. I just have such a difficult time expressing myself orally regarding relationship matters, especially when it is erotic in nature. If only I could say out loud what I am able to write! But this is the step in-between; journaling by posting online. I find that when I post here, I have a deep understanding that it is permanent—what is written in the ether on the internet is forever posted somewhere, and I cannot just “forget it” or back away from it. It is for real, and I try very hard to make sure that I mean what I say. I mean, what if my husband actually found me here and read my writings? I have no doubt that he would tuck them away in his heart, and use them to completely master my sexual nature...

I have the teeniest bit of comfort that maybe my husband won't ever find it and I won't be answerable for my writings. Equally, I am also vexed by the less-teeniest bit of discomfort that perhaps my husband will read every word and take it all to heart. He already takes charge enough without knowing all my deepest feelings!

On the other hand, what would happen if he discovered these writings, and were granted the keys to the kingdom, so to speak? Would I be eternally blissful, or eternally sorry for speaking aloud what perhaps is better left unsaid?

Either way, the veil of internet anonymity is rent by the knowledge that if he hacks my computer, I'm toast. Perhaps it is time to clear my cache again, hmmmmm? I just can't help brattishly enjoying that one little taste of control, that one selfish joy that he doesn't know everything. Yet.

That's the appeal, of course. I cannot take it back when I am in a more “sensible” mood, or when I would like to be more in control of my own eroticism...

It's out there for the taking, and I can't take it back.

Dandelion

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Comments

I write as if he would read it

I write as if he would read it but I doubt he does. I introduced this site to him and he announced he created a login here, but there is no sign he reads it. He mentioned that he had forgotten his login, so I think he does not read. But I hope some day he will. Nevertheless writing helps me analyze my thoughts and emotions.

Hali

Re: Me too!

Yes, I am careful about what I write, but sometimes I read things on here, and I think that I do not want him to get any ideas form the rest of the people on here. I mean, I think he has enough controlling ideas of his own. Then again, it is kind of like the idea that screaming "no", might mean "take me". It is exciting to think how far we might go if he did get more ideas. He does know I read this site and have started posting on it. So who knows what might happen.

reading and writing

I don't know how much of what I write on here is read by my husband, but I know he reads some of it. He occasionally says something that shows he has read something I've written (sometimes with unfortunate consequences). I don't write anything i wouldn't mind him reading, because I know he can read it any time he wants anyway.

Louise