For 20 plus years my husband suffered the consequences of my emotional barriers. There seemed no way around them, though he soldiered on in the current tradition of “kinder and gentler.” As my disdain and haughtiness increased, he would withdraw with a book, infuriating me. Until we discovered a Taken In Hand relationship, we were primarily emotionally disconnected. We use this interactive style to maintain our relationship, not so much to correct my “flaws.” My husband is intentionally maintaining our connection. This is the way it informally developed:
We use “watching Jeopardy” as the plausible exit strategy to separate from the rest of the family. We escape to the sanctuary of our locked bedroom and do actually watch Jeopardy. That is, most of the time he is watching Jeopardy. I can’t see it so well from my position, which is frequently over his lap or the “original over one knee” position.
During the Jeopardy program he approaches me, in an intimate, sexual way. All the while he is looking for signs of resistance or control attempts on my part. In the past, I would give him negative feedback. “I’m not in the mood,” “your approach is all wrong,” etc. Now, if he senses any resistance or negativity, I will get spanked right then. If there is no obvious resistance, he usually will spank me in a playful way at frequent intervals, about every 30 minutes, still checking how my spirit responds. He may spank more firmly in a deliberate attempt to “provoke the dragon.” If I take it well, he knows my spirit is connected with him. If I complain or in any way get critical of him, it will become a real spanking, with the hopeful goal of tears. I think it is safe to say that I am intentionally spanked and observed pretty much daily, or 6 days out of 7, and what he senses leads to varying degrees of intensity. This testing and observing of me seems to prevent an accumulation of internal small criticisms, which lead to emotional separation.
I've joked that “Jeopardy” has come to have a literal meaning. There is something about knowing that day he will be looking me in the eyes and observing my spirit that keeps me from getting too far off of the path. I feel slightly nervous when he comes home, because that is the first opportunity to be found out, if I have harbored negative thoughts. As the time approaches to watch Jeopardy, the nervousness increases: Did he catch the subtle dig? Was my tone abrupt when we went on our walk? Does he feel that today I would benefit from a serious spanking?
If something negative has transpired, “Jeopardy” is the likely time he will deal with it. Though it evolved casually, it is a near daily accountability session.
We have also expanded it to include accountability for health related issues, like diet and exercise, and time management goals. Jeopardy is the time I report my successes and failures and receive the consequences of each.