It feels like respect

My husband and I are rather new at living a Taken in Hand relationship. While most Taken In Hand couples don't use physical punishment in their relationship, we do. One of his concerns from the beginning has been, “It doesn't seem fair.”

It doesn't seem fair to him that I should be subject to punishment when he is not. It doesn't seem fair that he should be in charge when I am equally intelligent and capable. He does admit that he enjoys the changes we've made, that it's revitalized our relationship, and that it's like having a second honeymoon sixteen years after the first one... but it still bothers him that it is basically unfair.

We were talking about this one evening after I received a punishment. “It just doesn't seem fair...” he said while rubbing my hair softly and comforting me.

“I didn't ask for fair,” I replied seriously. “I don't want fair. I want this.”

I could see the light bulb go on in his brain. He thought about it for a moment and asked, “What exactly is ‘this?’”

I thought, but I couldn't come up with a way to express everything that our new way of relating means to me. I am giving up fair in favor of what, exactly? How can I express it? It means a lot of things to me: comfort, security, feeling protected and desirable, arousal, direction, guidance, covering, accountability... I couldn't find a simple way to put it into words.

After a while, I finally told him that I couldn't give him a full answer, but I could give him a partial answer. Our new relationship doesn't feel fair, but it does feel like respect.

When he turns me over his lap, I feel respected. That may seem odd, but it's true. I asked to be taken in hand. When he does it, I know he is respecting the fact that this is what I want. He is respecting that I am adult enough to choose, and what I have chosen is to be under his discipline and direction.

I also feel like he respects my intelligence and maturity. When he holds me to a standard and punishes me for not making it, I feel respected. I know that he thinks I can do better, and that instead of making excuses for me or lowering his standards and expectations of me, he's showing enough respect for me to demand my best. I like that.

Finally, when he punishes me hard enough to hurt, I feel that he respects my strength. I'm not a little baby who can only take a spat on the hand or a swat to the diaper. When he disciplines me hard enough to challenge my self-control and ability to accept the correction, I feel like he respects me. He's not treating this like a game. He's not just playing around. He's showing me enough respect to make it a serious consequence.

It's so strange. For many, many years, my husband trusted me to make most of the decisions about the children, the finances, and the household. But instead of feeling trusted and respected, I felt lost, neglected, overwhelmed, and ignored.

My job in the household has not changed significantly, but my feelings about it have. I am more interested in my work, more eager to please, and most importantly, I feel the love and respect I have always craved from my husband.

Angela Z

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It feels Like Respect

This is such a fantastic article. This is exactly how I feel. I have shown it to my husband once already, but I believe it is worth at least a second read for him.

He is taking me in hand, yet he is still so uncomfortable about it. Perhaps he always will be. Hopefully through reading essentially my thoughts and feelings in your post he will gain an understanding that this really is something I want, and we need-easing some of his discomfort.

Thank you so much!


Dazed and Confused

I just found this site and I am still a little in disbelief. I keep thinking, Can women like this really exist? If so, am I sure this how I am wired as a man?

I guess I have two questions for you. I wonder what percentage of single women out there believe as you do (1 in 100 or 1 in 3)? It feels like my whole life I have heard women saying they wanted nothing of the sort.

I ask because I am single (widowed) and about to start looking for "her" again. I know I need to do some things differently this time. From the looks of this site, I may need to do some stuff differently from the start.

This leads to my second question. How to find a woman who wants a Taken In Hand relationship. I care not to have the feminist argument with her. Life is too short.

How to find her (or him)

Dear Darren,
There are many, many women who yearn for a Taken In Hand relationship. The basic makeup of our species includes an alpha and omega, and even in today's modern society as women are valued (finally) equally in marriage, there is still a place down deep (often felt vividly during a sexual encounter) that desires the dominance (protection, security etc) of a man.

How to find it - ha! That is the question. I have been struggling with that myself. There are BDSM personal profile sites you can find on the internet, but you might find them distasteful. They are graphic and raw. Mix a stiff drink and cruise around them and see if you find a profile with some "normalcy".

There are general dating sites for people sorted by age, geographic location and a host of other aspects. You can fine tune your profile with subtle language that alludes to your desire for whatever characteristics you want in a woman.

Good luck!

The power of taking charge with the right priorities

Can men like this really exist? Yes, but only if they truly come to know themselves and others more fully and completely. The wonderful part of this kind of relationship is that man, woman and the relationship all grow.

The man has to protect, provide, and lead. It is not easy, for your priorities must change. In my view as a man, your priorities should be:
1) God and higher principles
2) Spouse
3) Your relationship and personal growth
4) Your Children and family and friends
5) You!

Remember the quicker and better you can provide for the needs and wants of others, the sooner and more completely your life will be filled to running over.

Carve it in rock, etch it in gold, take it to the bank. It is transformational and it occurs as sure as the sun rises and sets.



My husband and I have been married for six years. I have tried to stuff my feeling down and avoid addressing the need for a taken in hand relationship with the use of physical punishment. However I have realized recently that I must be true to myself. I asked my husband to at least start looking into ways to satisfy my needs. We came across Taken in Hand I am so taken by everything I am reading and your article is like reading my own thoughts thank you for sharing. After our first punishment I showed my husband my reaction to it, though he likes that I get the feeling he is uneasy with punishment.

Thank you

I am so happy to read that there are other men who are going down this road together with their wife and still a little unsure about it. I also thank you for giving such an insightful look into why you want/need this from your husband.

My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years and we are just beginning this new path together. She came to me saying it was what she wanted, I told her my reservations (I was raised in an equal home with 2 working parents who taught respect and equality).

I didn't think it was possible to respect my wife and to also physically take her in hand. Your article helps reinforce what my wife has told me, that the discipline IS respect, is teaching respect. It is something I am slowly learning and articles like this really help.

So, thank you again.