Is the man's authority real if consent can be revoked?

Why do I crave a Taken in Hand relationship? In my relationship my husband's authority is very important. It is this authority that I find attractive in him. For me it is very important that his authority be real. My husband can exercise this authority by exercising final say on what ever he feels he needs to. In a sense he gets the last word. (Unfortunately for him he does not always get the last laugh!)

Does the fact that I consent to this authority make it any less real? I do not think so. I consent to my husband having the final say on the basis of trust. But if he were to blow it and break that trust, then consent could be revoked. That does not mean the authority does not truly exist.

Take the military for instance. In Canada we have a voluntary peacetime military right now. If you choose to join, choose to sign up, choose to swear to obey, then you become part of the military. You are responsible to the military for your actions. If you break military law, and disobey orders you can expect to be held accountable for this. But you can quit—you can revoke consent to the military as an authority. This analogy cannot be carried too far, because there can be times when the choice to get out of the service is not yours to make. I know that the sexual relationship I have with my husband is not anything like the military, but I think that the consent to authority is very similar. (But not nearly as sexy, although I used to have thing for guys in uniforms. ;-) ) While consent is in place the authority is very real.

We connect well as a couple because of the real trust and authority my husband has in our relationship. It is not a game for us, although we do play with it sometimes. Even in fun the authority is real. I think that is way makes the fun we have with our Taken in Hand relationship work. If it were just a game for us that we only played in the bedroom, it would lose its power to move us.


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Very well stated, Tevemer!

Very well stated, Tevemer. I feel the same way! Charlotte


Hmmm...Tevamer, how interesting that you should ask this question. Perhaps I am not reading it in its intended context; however, I feel led to reply.

My husband is willing to discipline (spank) me when needed; however, I noticed awhile back that he had withdrawn from doing so for quite some time. When I asked why, he said I didn't seem to want it. As I very much DO want to be spanked when I need it, I was quite startled. After some discussion, I learned that by trying to "argue my way out" of punishments, he thought I didn't actually want to receive it and he doesn't want to spank me against my will. How on earth does one explain that what I really wanted was for him to INSIST upon the punishment. I finally told him that while I may argue against a punishment, that doesn't mean he is spanking me against my will. I finally told him that if I ever genuinely feel strongly against receiving a spanking, I will come out and say, "Dear, I agree that I deserve it, but I really don't want to spanked". I doubt I will ever say this to him.

The second step in this is, it became very important for me to quietly accept a punishment designated by my husband without any argument at all. I made a New Year's Resolution (unbeknownst to my husband) that I would accept discipline without argument. This does NOT mean I will not explain myself or defend my actions if I feel punishment would be unjust. Last week, our garbage service was cut off because I had failed to pay the bill. He had to pick up the garbage two days in a row because neighborhood dogs got into it. He informed me that I would be spanked for failing to pay the bill (especially since we had discussed the bill earlier in the week, before service was cut off). I quietly agreed that I deserved it, and was told that the punishment would take place the next night. I tried everything I knew to convince him not to postpone it. He utterly refused. The spanking itself was not as bad as it could have been. Believe it or not, he gave me fewer whacks because I accepted the punishment without arguing! The waiting was the worst part of the entire thing.

Is it real if it can be revoked? Oh, YES! I think it is very real because I accept it as punishment. If HE views it as such and I do as well, then it is!

Authority and relationship are terminated

Take the military for instance ... you can quit—you can revoke
consent to the military as an authority.

And the relationship to the military is terminated. That's also what
happens when the woman revokes consent to the man. The relationship
suffers irreparable damage on the same magnitude as if there were
infidelity involved.

Mike Starre

Real Authority?

Wow, this is a tricky question. Is the authority in a Taken in Hand relationship real? The biggest problem I see here is figuring out what "real" authority is. I suspect that people try to make it more complicated than it is. Authority can't mean that someone has to do what someone else says, because nobody has to do anything. I don't think the threat of retribution if the authoratative figure is not obeyed can be taken into the basic definition either—the best leaders don't lead through fear.

So now that we know what real authority isn't, what is it? We've stripped away some of the traits that are often mistakenly considered to belong to authority. What do we have left? Authority is anything which compels others to obey the commands of those who posess the authority. In this case, the authority of a Taken in Hand man is completely real.

Don't worry, the authority you feel isn't some kind of illusion =). Just because you don't have to obey your man means nothing—no one has to obey anyone else at all. The fact that you feel that he needs to be obeyed is all the proof you need.


Real authority

Although it is true in a sense to say that nobody has to do anything, the fact is that the consequences of defying authority can be unpleasant, if you choose to do so. If you are employee and you don't do what your employer tells you, you can get sacked. If I keep my children away from school without good cause, I could end up in prison.

Whereas if I don't do what my husband tells me, I will get spanked.
[For the rest of this comment see A mysterious compulsion to obey.]

authority & uniforms

Nathan, I couldn't agree more. It's don't have to obey anyone. You may not like the consequences, but you always have a choice. I think the authority that an head of the household posesses is very real. Just because one may choose not to obey once in a while, or because one receives pleasure out of obeying, doesn't make it any less real or just a bedroom game.

I find Tevemer's referral to her thing for men in uniforms very interesting. It seems many women have a thing for guys in uniform. What exactly is this attraction? Is it what it represents? Or is it purely the look?

When I think of a man in uniform, I see a protector. I see a leader. I see a strong, confident man. It really doesn't matter what the uniform is. It could be a military uniform, a fireman's uniform or a policeman's uniform. They all radiate a certain degree of power and authority.

Taken in hand men are much the same. Although they may not be in uniform, they have a commanding presence. I wonder if it's the actual uniform that is such a turn on for women or the man underneath. Could it be that women are attracted to this idea of a strong, take charge man...a hero, so to speak, and not the uniform itself? Could more women than we (or they) realize be longing for the strong leadership of a taken in hand man?


Men in uniform

I don't really know what it is, but they definitely do something for me. Soldiers tend to have a particularly exciting effect on me, but firemen and policemen can do it for me too. I was in Spain last month, and I must say that the Spanish policemen were most distracting, strolling around in tight trousers, festooned with guns and truncheons and handcuffs, I could feel my pulse rate increasing whenever I saw one.

I think what Barbara Cartland said is very true: "The man in a woman's sexual fantasies isn't naked, he's wearing a uniform."


Good point.

Nathan said, "The fact that you feel that he needs to be obeyed is all the proof you need." That is very wise.

There are consequence to our actions. The spanking or what ever discipline a head of the household uses is designed to keep the relationship in balance. Withdrawing consent, changes the dynamic of the relationship. This could have very negatively affect on the relationship. In some cases it may threaten to bring it to an end.

My husband understands, that if he is going to spank me, he will most likely have to wrestle me in to it. He knows that does not mean I do not consent. We just have a very active power exchange.

If I really wanted to remove consent for spanking, I would have to bring it up at a different time. I also think I would have to have a really good reason to withdraw consent, and he being the last vote would decide if my reason was sufficient. He would more then likely ask me what is making it hard for me to consent in this area. Rather then up set the dynamic of the whole relationship, he would find another way to make punishment work.

The spanking has helped me to resolve to consent in a lot of other areas in my life. Who want to go through the pain of it over the little thing. I am not the act out in oder to get it kind of girl.