One of the problems some couples in a Taken In Hand or DD relationship have, especially when they are new to this kind of relationship, is the idea of fairness. The man often wants to be a nice guy and doesn't want to spank the woman unless it is “fair”. The woman sometimes gets caught up in the idea of fairness too. Much unnecessary conflict ensues. So, my wife and I just took fairness off the table. It took a little while for both of us to get past the fairness reflex, but it was worth it. It really does feel better now.
We simply agreed that job one is helping her and our relationship to be safe and happy. Putting her first means putting fairness or any other abstract consideration second. That sort of clarity makes it so much easier for us to feel like we are on the same side of the table. She can always appeal anything I decide. I listen, I am never arbitrary or unreasonable, but I don't even pretend to be fair. I just sincerely put her first, and she feels safe and loved knowing that.
I know how hard it is, at first, to feel good about exercising authority over your loved one, without considering fairness. Let me share some thoughts on how we came to feel that it's best to lose our attachment to that very powerful word.
First, a Taken In Hand or DD relationship, as we are wired, isn't fair. It's intrinsically asymmetrical. What's fair about me having the final say on almost anything? What's fair about her getting a spanking for not being her best, when all I need to do when I screw up is apologize, promise not to do it again and feel lousy about it? Chris is an unusually bright and capable adult, with an MBA from an elite school and a very powerful position. There really isn't much fair about her needing to abide by my judgment as to what is best for her and our relationship. We may not have been thinking in those terms when we entered into it, but we agreed to live by fundamentally unfair covenants which we felt would fulfill us and nurture our relationship. As it happens, we got all we hoped for and more. We really are like honeymooners. We often make people sick.
Second, if we understand that the relationship was never intended to be fair from the start, why should we burden the conduct of the relationship with that consideration, unless it adds greater value than it costs or risks?
Here's an example. Suppose you and your loved one have one of your extremely rare little spats. Some terse and ill-considered words are exchanged which aren't reflective of the love and respect you share and desire to always express. Regardless of who may be more at fault, if you are honest with yourself, you don't ever want to be allowed to talk to him like that, any more than he wants to feel free to act unloving to you. Now, you are trusting him to act on behalf of your relationship. You don't want spats to get out of hand, or happen often enough to erode your tenderness toward each other. Would you want him to put fairness first and say, “I can't very well take the necessary action on our behalf because I share the blame?” Might you prefer that he step in, very early in the spat and say, “That is not how you want to be allowed to talk to me and we need a hug and to start this discussion over with the love and respect we feel.” You realize, of course, that that was a warning shot over the bow. It will soon to be followed be some concerted activity a-stern if the warning goes unheeded.
There is nothing fair here. If you end up spanked for something of which he is equally guilty, know that he is keeping his promise to keep the relationship safe. His punishment is having to spank a woman he loves for something that he may be as much at fault as she. I can tell you from experience that the woman will probably feel it's very unfair before she is spanked and will need a lot of tenderness. She will very likely feel loved and safe and glad her man was there for her when her when she needed him to be, after the spanking. Both partners, and the relationship, win; fairness is the loser.
This stuff isn't easy. Will you be able to say thank you for putting me first honey, through your tears, when you both know it's almost never really fair?
[If you feel dubious about this idea, do read the comments below for further explanation.—Editor]