Is Taken In Hand about discipline?

Is Taken In Hand about discipline or punishment?

No. Taken In Hand is about using the thrill of the husband firmly wearing the trousers in the relationship, to keep the marriage delectably hot, sexy, joyful, happy and interesting for both spouses. That is what Taken In Hand is about.

In many or perhaps most Taken In Hand relationships, there is no physical ‘discipline’ or ‘punishment’ (such as spanking) at all. Many Taken In Hand folk have no interest in ‘discipline’ or ‘punishment’ at all, and complain whenever anyone posts anything on this site about ‘domestic discipline’.

In some Taken In Hand relationships, ‘discipline’ or ‘punishment’ does play a part in the relationship, but it is not the focus of the relationship. The relationship is not about ‘discipline’/‘punishment’.

Some Taken In Hand inclined husbands abhor discipline and regard any man who would hit a woman (including OTK) as beneath contempt. Others would not countenance a relationship in which they did not have consent to ‘discipline’ or ‘punish’ the woman.

Where ‘discipline’ or ‘punishment’ is a feature of a particular Taken In Hand relationship, it adds to the relationship as opposed to being the focus of the relationship. It is just one way some husbands keep their wife in hand.

As explained more fully here, Taken In Hand life is not an endless round of bad behaviour and punishment or rules and consequences, even in cases where ‘discipline’ or ‘punishment’ is a part of the relationship. The Taken In Hand woman is an adult and perfectly capable of functioning as such. She does not need to be held accountable to get her to behave like a half-decent human being. Nor does she need to be endlessly disciplined by a long-suffering man. We all make mistakes and do the wrong thing sometimes, but the same is just as true of men as it is of women.

The reason some Taken In Hand couples employ discipline or punishment is not that the woman is a lesser person than the man and needs her behaviour corrected in a way that could not equally apply to the man. Nor is it that the man wants an unhealthy wish to criticise and punish her legitimised. He is more likely to feel protective of her! The main reason is that the two individuals connect erotically very powerfully through the control that is being wielded. There are so many other ways of remaining firmly in charge, though, and when you make discipline the focus of your relationship, you tend to forget about other ways of maintaining control, some of which can be quite delectable.

If you are that way inclined, discipline (in moderation) can be extraordinarily erotic, and extraordinarily intimate. If you get into an endless round of bad behaviour and punishment, and that works for you, great; but for most people, that would be destructive rather than constructive. For many non-spankos, that would become a real drag, or feel like a game, or be just plain exhausting.

In summary, no, Taken In Hand is not about discipline, but some Taken In Hand folk do very much enjoy the thrill of discipline.

See also:
Why you shouldn't mention the ‘M’ word
Being taken in hand is hot!
Why you should not withhold spanking!
She wants to be taken in hand against her will?!
Domestic discipline (DD)
Happy living in fear of a man?!
Barbie is the doll, Ken is just an accessory.
Taken In Hand is about male leadership not spanking
Is the discipline focus limiting your relationship?
Real life leadership or rules and rigidity?

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[This is an answer to a frequently-asked question: this page is part of the FAQ. Please try to ensure that your post is answering the question or discussing the above post. The question is: Is Taken In Hand about discipline or punishment?]


Is it about discipline?

For me, it is. But be careful how you define discipline.
Discipline is the practice of making people obey rules or standards of behaviour, and punishing them when they do not.

As an adult I know that failing to obey certain rules results in punishment. If I drive too fast I am punished by means of a fine. If I steal I am punished by a term of imprisonment. I accept that in such cases I deserve punishment; the rules are clear. But the rules for adult behaviour are not so clear. But as an adult and I should know how to behave properly. But I do not always behave properly. So, if ever I behave badly why should I be exempt from punishment?

But someone has to be the authority, and in my marriage it has been mutually agreed that my husband is the authority in the marriage and is responsible for maintaining discipline. And he is responsible for administering discipline too. But what sort of punishment? Aye, there’s the rub.

He cannot fine me. He cannot send me to jail. He cannot ground me. Therefore, we have agreed that if by any chance I do something wrong then I shall be spanked. I accept this as being reasonable, and because I do not want a punishment spanking I make sure that as far as possible I do not do something wrong. As an normal adult I know that I do not always behave properly. But I also know I cannot complain if I am punished any more than I can complain against a fine for a traffic offence.

But life is not that simple. It so happens we both like spanking for fun. However, we are able to keep this quite separate from spanking for punishment, and fortunately it is rare for me to need a spanking as a punishment, and equally fortunately it is quite common for me to get a spanking for fun.

Yes, being Taken in Hand is certainly about discipline

A desire for discipline

Discipline is not necessarily about obeying rules and being punished if you break them. There is self-discipline, for instance, which most adults are assumed to have, when it is presumed that you control your own conduct without the need for punishment in order to behave reasonably.

And most adults may know that they will be punished if they get caught doing certain things, but they don't always get caught. As regards speeding, for instance, my husband has never kept to any speed limit as long as I've known him (except when he knows there's a speed camera coming up) and he's never been caught, ever.

On the other hand, a woman in a DD/Taken In Hand relationship does not usually seem to want to get away with whatever 'crime' she has committed, she wants to get caught and she wants to get punished. This is not generally the case with those who break the law in the normal run of things. Many women on this site have expressed discontent because their husbands don't punish them hard enough, or often enough, or sometimes at all. That is not the normal reaction of a person to being let off punishment in the world outside of DD and Taken In Hand relationships.

Whatever the insistance on punishment being unpleasant, different from erotic spanking etc, it is clear that at some level it is something that the people who do this actually want, which makes it very different from any other kind of punishment.

Why Can't He Ground You?

I don't get it. He can spank you (meaning you allow it) but he can't ground you, fine you or send you to jail. Well he certainly could ground you from all but necessary trips out of the house. He could certainly fine you (or take away the credit cards). As for jail I suppose he could confine you to a room but that would probably be going too far for most people.

I am not sure I understand your insistence that he "can't" do any of these other things but the only alternative is to spank you. I think that's what the both of you want because it turns you on. The other punishments, plus writing lines, standing in the corner, etc. etc. are certainly available if you both wanted to make use of them.

Spanking for punishment is spanking for sex. No more, no less. Wink!


Connection, Control, Discipline

Taken In Hand relationships ultimately are about the all-important
and essential intimate connection. Most relationships that go stale do
so because the connection becomes faulty and nothing is done to repair
the damage. A relationship needs some form of control in order to
maintain the desired connection. In Taken In Hand relationships,
discipline, either physical or verbal or both, is used as a tool to
maintain that control.


Control isn't the key

Relationships go astray for a lot of reasons and control is not the key factor in keeping them together and keeping them from getting stale. Neither is sex, for that matter.

You can't just say, when things start getting boring, rein in the woman and apply a little discipline. Many factors can be involved.

Ultimately a couple faces a lot of difficulties because let's face it, no one gets out of here alive. "Control" isn't going to make her feel sexy if she's undergoing chemo. "Control" isn't going to make him virile again if he's got a prostate problem.

In the short run, passion, the differentiation of sex roles and hot sex can fuel a relationship. In the long run you better have a very solid friendship, because all that hot stuff will not last forever.

And one doesn't control one's best friend.

Control can be the key

Control can be the key if it's what you hanker for. I would agree that for most people control, discipline etc wouldn't be the answer, I imagine a lot of couples, probably most, would be left cold by that sort of thing.

But we are talking about Taken In Hand relationships on this site, and if it's something you really want, then control can improve a relationship, and not necessarily just the sex. I feel that my husband and I get along together better now as a result of having a Taken In Hand relationship, we seem to be closer friends than we were before. I find my husband can control me quite easily when he puts his mind to it, and the result seems to be, mysteriously, that we like each other better than we did.

Is it about discipline

It's not about discipline for us, but without the possibility of discipline or some other means of maintaining control, this Taken In Hand dynamic would not have the high-voltage charge it does. It doesn't have to involve spanking but it does have to have the potential for force to be used, even if he never uses it in practice.

Protection more than Discipline

Our Taken In Hand relationship is not primarily about OTK discipline. It is more about S protecting me. I long to feel taken care of and protected.

The OTK discipline is a means that he uses to stop actions that would be hurtful to me or to our relationship. He uses spanking only as a last resort. He contols me by looking a certain way that signals 'last chance or you will go over my knee', the tone of voice he uses with me when he's getting annoyed, the firm hand on my arm or around my waist when we are out—he says he is keeping me from crossing the line LOL—and other things too numerous to mention.